January 2023: Let's Try This Again.

 

January 2023

    As a part of my New Year's resolutions for 2023, I wanted to get back into blogging. It used to be such a balm for my soul, a tried and true way for me to process emotions and difficult moments of my life. I find the practice of blogging to be a therapeutic exercise, and I haven't done it since December 2018. 

That's 4 years ago! Literally SO MUCH has happened in my life and I cannot believe I haven't written about any of it. 

I finished my first year of teaching at Bryan, I started dating Austin, I started my MFA program at Mississippi University for Women, I went through the pandemic and experienced teaching online, I got engaged, I acted onstage again, I got MARRIED, I went through two summers of MFA residencies, and I was promoted to Assistant Professor of Theatre. I celebrated my first wedding anniversary and saw my best friend get married. 

I have experienced so much and there's nothing on this blog to show for it. So many memories that will never be included in here. 

But that's okay. Life has been crazy and maybe I don't need to blog as much to process my feelings. I have a wonderful husband to be my listening ear and I'm older. I know how to process things on my own a bit better. 

Nevertheless, we're here. And it's a new year, and a new chance to reflect on each month that 2023 brings me.

***

This month was...interesting. I had developed a kidney infection right before Christmas, and I was still struggling with the remnants of that pain and irritation. Austin and I spent New Years in Huntsville, Alabama as a way to celebrate our anniversary early, and we traveled back home on January 1. Neither of us felt ready to tackle a new semester, and we wanted to linger in "break mode" for as long as we could. 

But January 2, our 2nd anniversary, saw Austin back at work and me at home, procrastinating from prepping for school. It seemed like real life was bursting in whether we were ready or not. 

As I recovered from my kidney infection, I started to show signs of a sinus infection. It progressively got worse but I pushed through as my own classes began January 10. However...when it got to the point that I couldn't even blow my nose without pain, I went to the doctor....and found out I had COVID. For the first time ever.

I was SO mad. I had managed to avoid it for so long, including Austin having it twice. I don't even know how I got it! The doctor warned me it was one of the most severe strains, and to prepare for it to be awful. I was forced to record all of my lectures and stay at home for a week. 

Here's the thing: I felt terrible, but it was SO nice to be stuck at home. It made going back to work even harder! But hopefully I'll never have to go through that again. 

Austin and I searched for ways to create joyful, meaningful moments in the midst of the grind that is January. We tried making a King Cake (major failure). 

We gave each other "cotton" anniversary gifts (He gave me a weighted blanket, I gave him a fuzzy robe). 

We had a game night with some of our best friends.  

We spent a lot of time watching Master Chef (my weird new-found obsession). 

I also had some highlights at work this month. 

I had auditions for our spring production, The Murder Room, and am very excited about the cast we have. 

I have been able to support and observe my senior major as she works on her senior production project, a one-act adaptation of The Great Divorce, which opens in February. 

But most importantly, I had several really wonderful conversations with my work study students. 

I've been struggling to feel like I have students this year who I can connect with in a meaningful way, and am still grieving the loss of the seniors who graduated and meant so much to me on a personal level. 

But over the last few weeks, I have been able to see that these students are eager to learn, longing to know me better, and want to be the reliable backbone of the department I so desperately need. I'm very thankful. 

Another high point of January was Austin taking me on a surprise date to Hennen's, the five-star restaurant in Chattanooga that we went to the night he proposed. 

It was an early Valentine's Day outing, since I have rehearsal on the actual day. We had a great time, and I had a fantastic filet mignon! 

A very sweet revisit to a special place for both of us. 

I don't really have a lot more to say about this month. 

January is always hard for me; getting back into the swing of things and recovering from having a long break is difficult, and it usually takes me about a month to accept that this new schedule is the "norm," at least until May. 

The next few months are going to be crazy, and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. 

December 2018: 365 Days Later...

DECEMBER 2018

At the end of the year we turn with eagerness to all that God has for the future, and yet anxiety is apt to arise from remembering the yesterdays. Our present enjoyment of God's grace is apt to be checked by the memory of yesterday's sins and blunders. But God is the God of our yesterdays, and He allows the memory of them in order to turn the past into a ministry of spiritual culture for the future. God reminds us of the past lest we get into a shallow security in the present.

-Oswald Chambers 

***

Every year, I get to December 31 and I find myself intensely nostalgic about the year that's about to conclude. I reminisce on all of the events that unfolded and how I've grown from them.

Since my blogging project included one post from each month of 2018, I decided to read back over them and find my favorite quotes in order to truly encapsulate this year for me.

January:
"I have really come to value solitude and having my own space. I enjoy not having to talk or make conversation, instead using that time to write, think, and zone out when I need to. It's also been extremely beneficial for me to spend a lot of time remembering who I am and who I want to be in the future, even if I've been rather delayed in getting there...God is teaching me so much about trust and patience during this time, and I'm hopeful that I'm managing to still have my dreams and ambitions without clutching them too tightly."

February: 
"February was a time of me coming to terms with several elements of who I am and choosing to view them in a much more positive light...it felt like almost every day, my time with the Lord was focused on joy and peace: two things that I definitely struggle to embody and live out."

March:
"It's easy to find yourself saying 'I wonder what life would have been life it I had stayed in touch better with this person, or if I had made a different choice in this particular situation.' Everyone has those thoughts. I definitely have had them quite a lot over the past month. I often ask myself what other life stories I could have instead of the one I've living right now. But...I've been trying to let go of those thought patterns and instead, focus on the joy of the present and excitedly anticipate the future that's waiting for me in just a few short months...It's taken me some time to get to that point, but I'm finally looking at my life with a clarity I've been lacking. I'm so ready for what's next...whatever that looks like. I'm ready."

April:
"Here's the thing. When you look in the mirror and see someone you don't recognize staring back at you, there are two options: you can avoid acknowledging how far you've fallen...or you can run like hell back to the only One who will love you in the regret, hold you through the pain and carry you to a place of forgiveness and renewal."

May:
"Over the past month I have had to walk away from several things (including people) that were keeping me from moving forward into this new season. It has been a month of ridiculously hard goodbyes. Goodbyes I didn't know I would have to say, and goodbyes that I begged Him to prevent. But He didn't. And I know it will it will be some time before I'm truly at peace with the decisions I've had to make. This season of my life has definitely been one of waiting. I have been waiting on God to open up the door to my future, and...boy, has He."

June:
"As a director, I know it's easy to become dictatorial and wanting your own way on everything. A lot of people would say that the director has that right. And maybe that's true. But I have always valued having others around me to confirm my instincts or offer another option I hadn't even considered. Theatre is pointless if you're alone at the finish line."

July:
"All the anxiety I have been feeling about this new job, this uncharted territory? Well, it's becoming so bad that I'm almost paralyzed by the fear. Of course, I'm excited too. This is my dream, after all. But I am also terribly afraid of not being good enough to live out my dream...It's very difficult when al of the "what ifs" begin to pour in. But I'm trying to trust."

August:
"My life is overflowing with experiences right now. I'm feeling overwhelmed and out of my league on a daily basis...But I'm learning so much about transparency and being open with students. It helps a lot to remember how I felt as a college student and what made me respect my professors. Most of the time, it was when they were honest about where they were at. So I decided that I needed to take the risk and be a little more vulnerable with my students. And it has made a difference in ways I couldn't have imagined."

September:
"I've been trying to make myself take time away from class prep and show to-do lists and just...be with people. It's ok to choose people over my planner sometimes...God is so good, you guys. I don't have to be afraid to display what I've been through. Cause it might just be exactly what someone else needs to hear. I can be a mentor and a guide, because I've been where they are. And my life is a living testimony to the incomparable grace that God has poured over me every step of the way. I'm so very, very thankful to have the opportunity to share that with others."

October:
"The Matchmaker was more amazing than I ever could have imagined. The audiences were perfect, the cast and crew did an incredible job every night, and I received more positive feedback than I was anticipating. There aren't enough words to express what the overall experience was like for me. This was something I had been dreaming of for so very long and to be able to watch it unfold was honestly a dream come true."

November:
"In the past month, I have been hit with several situations that have, to be quite candid, destroyed a lot of my job and excitement about this job. People have hurt me. Stress has beaten me down. I feel discouraged and emotionally drained almost every single day. This may be my dream job, but the past month has been anything but a dream. Despite everything, I'm trying to use it to make me a stronger woman and a better artist."

December:
This month of the year always has a different feel to it. Once I know Christmas is on its way, it's as though there's a little bit of magic in the air, and it colors everything around me in a hue of holiday spirit.
To kick off the month correctly, I had a Christmas party at my apartment for all of my theatre students. They helped me decorate my tree and I introduced them to White Christmas, my favorite holiday movie of all time. It was so nice to feel like my tiny apartment is a welcoming place for them to feel comfortable and to have fun.
Our winter production, Almost, Maine, continued with rehearsals and the chaos that follows an off book deadline.
My Intro to Theatre class gave their final group presentations, and it was so rewarding to see their application of the things we'd covered throughout the semester.
I played a piano duet with my colleague for the departmental Christmas concert.
I miraculously made it through the conclusion of the semester.
My good friend Caleb got married and I was able to play for his wedding ceremony.
Usually, when I go home for the Christmas break, it's a flurry of obligations and performances. However, this time it was quite relaxed. By the time I got home, all of the productions had finished and I spent most of my 10 days there on the couch, watching Christmas movies, or spending time with friends. It was a welcome hiatus after the semester I've had. I was able to spend some quality time with my parents, which was wonderful.
Now I'm back in Dayton and I've been spending a lot of time with my very best friend, Emilie. She's in town visiting her family and I haven't seen her since she moved to New York in May. Honestly, that's the best Christmas present I could've asked for.
The spring semester is about to begin in a little over a week, and while I'm in no way prepared for that and everything it means...I'm so thrilled to see a new year beginning.

***

I firmly believe that years unfold a specific way for a specific reason; to teach us something we need to learn in order to move on in life.
2018 was the year where I had to strip away everything distracting me from becoming the woman I needed to be in order to have my dream job and career.
I had to close the door once and for all on a relationship that had dominated my life for the past 18 months.
I had to accept that I had no idea what was next and embrace the present fully.
I had to trust that the road before me was going to take me exactly where I needed to go, in the right time.

2018 has been a learning year.

I'm all for learning things in 2019, but I really hope it also holds a heck of an adventure.

As we go forth into the coming year, let it not be in the haste of impetuous, unremembering delight, nor with the light of impulsive thoughtlessness, but with the patient power of knowing that the God of Israel will go before us. Our yesterdays present irreparable things to us; it is true that we have lost opportunities which will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ.

Leave the Irreparable Past in His hands, and step out into the Irresistible Future with Him.

-Oswald Chambers 

November 2018: Maybe It's OK.

NOVEMBER 2018

God does not let us go any way that He Himself has not gone 

and on which He does not go before us.

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

***

The last sentence of my blog from October said:

I am wholeheartedly ready to see what unfolds in the next 4 weeks.

Well....literally so much has unfolded. And a bunch of it has proven difficult to put back together.

I texted a friend while writing this and said, "I don't even know how to verbally process this month." And I really don't. It's difficult to put into words how the past few weeks have made me feel.

I thought a lot about trying to tell all of you exactly what has happened. But while that would adequately reflect my own jumbled-up thoughts and emotions, it would just be confusing. I haven't been able to process it fully on my own. And I don't want to drag readers through that mess. 

So let me just say this. 

In the past month, I have been hit with several situations that have, to be quite candid, destroyed a lot of my joy and excitement about this job. 

People have hurt me. 

Stress has beaten me down. 

I feel discouraged and emotionally drained almost every single day. 

This may be my dream job, but the past month has been anything but a dream.

I'm trying my best to own it. Despite everything, I'm trying to use it to make me a stronger woman and a better artist. 

Who knows if it's actually working. 

I don't have a bunch of quotes to share. I don't have a list of songs that have been on repeat all month. 

Because for the majority of this month, I've just been trying to get up everyday and make it through without breaking down. 

I feel insecure. I feel inadequate. I wonder why I was given this job.

I'm afraid.

But I know that eventually, somehow, it's going to be okay. I don't know how. And I don't know when. But it will be.

God is faithful, I have people in my life who love me (both from nearby and from far away), and it's okay to not be okay. 

And that is all I have to say.  

(Side Note: I never thought I would say this, but I've begun to feel like the blogging phase of my life is coming to a close. I find myself struggling more and more to find the right words. I used to love processing my life through blogging. But now...I'd much rather just talk to someone about things and let it go.

...Is that what growing up feels like?)

Maybe It's OK, We Are Messengers 

If I didn't know what it hurt like to be broken

Then how would I know what it feels like to be whole

If I didn't know what it cuts like to be rejected

Then I wouldn't know the joy of coming home

Maybe it's ok if I'm not ok

Cause the one who holds the world is holding onto me

Maybe it's alright if I'm not alright

Cause the one who holds the stars is holding my whole life

October 2018: Artistically Divided.

OCTOBER 2018

The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. 

The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before.

-Albert Einstein

October was quite a month. It was the month that everything in my life had been moving towards since the school year started. The deadline of October 25, 2018, loomed over me every single day, and I felt a combination of exhilaration and overwhelming dread as it crept closer and closer. In my mind, this was the ultimate test: this school had hired me to do a job, and now the question of 'Am I good enough to pull this off?' was going to be answered.

And to be perfectly honest...I have never felt so much pressure. I typically thrive under stress and the knowledge that a lot rides on my ability to succeed, but this was different. There were WAY too many nights when I left rehearsal wondering if this show was going to be a complete and total failure. 

Song #1: Girl, SYML

Girl, perfectly her, broken and hurt

Soft and asleep in the morning gray

Shake off the night and don't hide your face

The sun lights the world with a single frame

I want you to see this, I want you to see this

Today and all of your days, I'll wear your pain

Heal what I can in your troubled mind

Sometimes our bodies will hurt for some time

And the beauty in that can be hard to find

I want you to find it

I want you to see this

I want you to see this

So run, wake up and run my little one

I want to tear down these walls that can't hold you inside

Rip out the cords and uncover your eyes

We'll make our escape in the dark of night

I need you to see this

Girl

You'll see the world and you'll come to learn

That falling in love is a strange work of art

All of your battles will shape who you are

And know that your scars are my favorite part

I want you to know this

***

Audiences will believe anything if you do it well. 

-Eugene O'Neill

In the weeks leading up to opening night of The Matchmaker, several things happened that seemed to drain my artistic energy and spirit.

 I had to "fire" a cast member for not showing up to rehearsals.

 I had several parents attempting to get homework extensions for their child and simultaneously crush my excitement about the new things I'm bringing to this program. 

(Side Note: There's nothing worse than hearing someone say "Because of the expectations you have, my child is losing her love of theatre." But that's a topic for another day.) 

I had to deal with the overwhelming fear that the set for the show might not be ready on time.

I had to worry about my mom falling down a flight of stairs and cutting her chin open...and being unable to be there for her.

In the midst of all of these "bumps," I was trying to keep the cast motivated and excited, to keep myself motivated and excited, to keep looking forward to the day when people were actually going to see this thing and who knows if it was even going to be funny and WHAT IF NOBODY LAUGHED AT ALL.....

However.

The Matchmaker was more amazing than I ever could have imagined. The audiences were perfect, the cast and crew did an incredible job every night, and I received more positive feedback than I was anticipating. There aren't enough words to express what the overall experience was like for me. This was something I had been dreaming of for so very long, and to be able to watch it unfold was honestly a dream come true. That's really all I can say about it. I was able to see my dream of so many years come to fruition in front of me...I wish everyone could have that experience in their own lives. Because it's truly life-changing. 

The night after we closed, we had a cast party and it ended up being one of the coolest things I've ever been a part of. During table work, I had asked each actor to come up with a secret for their character that they would never share with anyone else...not even me. At the cast party, we went around the room and shared the secrets. Everyone was in tears; in those moments, I saw just how far each person had taken their character development in a communal desire to make this show everything it could possibly be. I couldn't be more proud of them and their undying dedication to this production. It was the best first show of my dream job, without a doubt. 

Letting go of the story was harder than I expected. Most of you who know me would probably say "That's not surprising at all, Lex. You struggle to let go of literally EVERYTHING." But I had already been feeling somewhat artistically "divided" during the final stages of the show. My brain was already moving towards the next production we have here. And I hated that! I felt like I was cheating on one show with another one. As we began tech week for The Matchmaker, I noticed that my mind was attempting to compartmentalize itself. I knew, subconsciously, that there's another show coming (2 more actually) and that I would only have a WEEK in between the closing of Matchmaker and the auditions for Almost, Maine. How is that even enough time to begin analysis and vision development for an entirely new production? 

I would sit there during tech rehearsals for The Matchmaker and find myself stressing about Maine.

(When I was in graduate school, my directing mentor Paul used to talk about how he would be over a show before it even opened. He said, "My brain is already looking towards the next project. I've done everything I can with this show. It's time to move on." He would say that, and I just could NOT understand it. In my mind, I couldn't fathom how you wouldn't be so wrapped up in a production, in a story, that you didn't need to see audiences enjoy and capture the meaning of your artistic vision? I just figured it was his personality, and I wouldn't ever be a director like that.

So shout out to you, Paul. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I get it. I finally get it. Sigh. Why are you always right...)

ANYWAY.

When The Matchmaker was officially done, I felt guilty because I had already been struggling with feeling distracted by the upcoming show. But a few days later, my Assistant Director and I sat down and read through Almost, Maine...and when we finished, I looked up and said, "This is exactly what I needed. I'm in it, my head's in it, my heart's in it; I'm ready to go." 

And boy, am I ready. 

There's a lot of other things that happened this month, but to be honest I can't think of them. This was by far the pinnacle of October 2018 and I feel like everything else just doesn't really matter at the moment. 

And looking back seems pointless right now, because I am wholeheartedly ready to see what unfolds in the next 4 weeks.

Song #2: Atlas: Seven, Sleeping at Last

How nice it'd be if we could try everything

I'm serious, let's make a list and just begin

"What about danger?"

So what, "What about risk?"

Let's climb this mountain before we cross that bridge

Cause I'm restless, I'm restless, I'm restless

For whatever comes next

But I want to be here

Truly be here

To watch the ones that I love bloom

And I want to make room

To love them through and through and through

And through the slow and barren seasons too

I feel hope

Deep in my bones

Tomorrow will be beautiful

And I'm ready, God I'm ready, oh I'm ready

restless and hungry, but I'm ready

For whatever comes next

September 2018: People Over Planners.

SEPTEMBER 2018

My health may be better preserved if I exert myself less,

 but in the end doesn't each person give his life for his calling?

-Clara Weick Schumann

If this quote doesn't sum up my entire existence, I don't know what will. 

The past month has been a conglomeration of overwhelming stress, exciting creativity and many days with nothing to show for them. 

But I'm quickly learning that the mundane can be exactly what I need sometimes, especially when so much of my life is anything but ordinary.

Song #1: Heavy, Birdtalker

If you're lost and lonely

Go and figure out why

Take a trip to your dark side

Go on and have a good cry

Cause we're all lonely

Yeah, we're all lonely

Together

Leave what's heavy, 

What's heavy behind

Leave what's heavy,

What's heavy behind

If your face is down

Take a look around

Do your fingers move

Do your lungs inflate

Are you tired, are you weary of the hidden hate 

You've been holding, yeah

Did you lose that love

Or have you never had it

Are you feeling sad

Cause you did a bad thing

Are you feeling fearful, brother

Are you feeling fearful, sister

The only way to lose

That fearful feeling

Replace it with love that's healing 

Leave what's heavy,

What's heavy behind.

***

We share our stories for the bond of understanding that is established between us through the telling...the more we share our stories, the closer we all become. 

-Robert Atkinson

So you remember how I said that something really cool happened in my last blog post? But it happened in September, so I wanted to wait? Well, now I'm going to share it. 

When I began working at Bryan back in August, I found out that all new faculty have to go through a Mentoring at Bryan class in their first semester. 

To be honest, my initial thoughts were not too positive. I went to Bryan, I have had many mentors. It always just sort of happened, it wasn't a big formal thing. The relationship happened in its own time without forcing anything. 

So why did I need to go through an entire class on how to be a mentor to students? I think I have a pretty good idea of what that looks like. 

One night, during the first 2 weeks of September, I had to have a conversation with one of my students about something that had occurred during rehearsal. 

I sat down with them, and within minutes they were sobbing. 

(Clarification: this had nothing to do with what I said...there were other reasons for the emotion bursting out of nowhere).

 I fumbled through the steps of trying to comfort and build them up.

 A little while later, another student came in and said, "Can I talk to you?" They walked over, sat down in the chair across from my desk, and promptly burst into tears. 

Within the next couple of days, I had FOUR students come into my office without provocation and pour out their struggles/emotions/feelings to me. The reasons were all across the board, and obviously I'm not going to share those details. 

But to have these students look at me, tears streaming down their face, and genuinely ask, "What should I do? Can you help me?" made my heart break...and also caused me to feel completely inadequate. 

Who am I to be any sort of guide for them? 

How can what I have to say possibly be helpful or relevant or actually meaningful? 

I immediately felt way out of my league. 

And then I thought about the mentoring class....and smiled to myself, because I realized in that moment how incredibly foolish I had been. 

Perhaps this class is going to be more helpful to me than I ever could have imagined. 

I've always said I wanted to be that cool college professor that students were impacted by and remember for years after they've graduated, to be someone who truly influenced them for the better. And boy, is God placing those opportunities in my lap or what? 

Quite a responsibility. But I think I'm up for the challenge. 

I ended up asking a couple of my students why they felt that I was someone they could come to with personal problems and issues. Not because I wanted to be puffed up with compliments, but because I was genuinely perplexed. What is it that makes them feel they can confide in me? 

One student said, 

"I don't think it's the age difference between you and us. I think it's because you're not afraid to be you around us. You just exude this atmosphere of trust. You're open and honest and yourself, and that's why we all open up to you so quickly." 

Another one added to that, saying, 

"I think it's because you get it. Like, you literally understand what it feels like to be a Bryan student. You went through everything we're struggling with. We know you will understand." 

These comments simply confirmed what I've been smacked in the face with time and time again over the past year....the fact that my story--the hurts, struggles, feelings of failure and pain and heartache--can actually be used to help other people around me. 

The valleys I climbed out of can be turned into stories of victory to encourage, build up and strengthen someone else. 

God is so good, you guys. 

I don't have to be afraid to display what I've been through. 

Cause it might just be exactly what someone else needs to hear. 

I can be a mentor and a guide, because I've been where they are. 

And my life is a living testimony to the incomparable grace that God has poured over me every step of the way.  

I'm so very, very thankful to have the opportunity to share that with others. 

Song #2: Maybe IDK, Jon Bellion

I wonder why I get paranoid when I'm high

I wonder why I say yes to everyone in my life

I wonder why I can't run that fast in my dreams 

I wonder why I feel short when I know my money's tall

I wonder why I miss everyone and I still don't call

I wonder why I can't run that fast in my dreams

Although I guess if I knew tomorrow

I guess I wouldn't need faith

I guess if I never fell

I guess I wouldn't need grace

I guess if I knew His plans

I guess He wouldn't be God

So maybe I don't know

Maybe I don't know

Maybe I don't know

Maybe I don't know...

But maybe that's ok

I wonder why I feel emptiness and I sing these blues

I wonder why I feel hopelessness when I watch the news

I wonder why I can't find my voice in my dreams

I wonder why they say hate your bother and hide your gold

I wonder why we all fear the things that we might not know 

I wonder why I can't find my voice in my dreams

All this shit, I can't explain

Is it by design or random fate, yeah

So maybe I don't know

Maybe I don't know

Maybe I don't know

Maybe I don't know...

But maybe that's ok

***

Friends are important when you are pouring out yourself to so many people.

-My Mom

Oh man. Here's the flip side to everything I just wrote. Being there for students is truly wonderful and fulfilling....but then I go home at the end of a day, when I've constantly been listening and trying to lift burdens from these kids who are so broken and hurting...

And I come home to an empty apartment, with no one I can talk to about my own burdens. 

I don't mean this in a "I'm lonely and want a man" sort of way. 

I just mean that where I'm at in my life, I have very few people around me that I can rely on to listen and be there for me in my frustrations, disappointments and setbacks. 

When I have a rough class or a particularly discouraging rehearsal, I don't have anyone to vent to about it. I have to deal with it on my own. 

I'm not asking for pity, either. It's just the way life is at the moment. And that's ok. 

Except it's beginning to weigh down on me. And I'm not sure how to counteract that. 

But the statement my mother made really stuck with me. And so I've been trying to make myself take time away from class prep and show to-do lists to just....be with people.

 The friends that I do have around here are wonderful people, and I'm forcing myself to remember that it's ok to choose people over my planner sometimes. 

What a sad statement that is. Type A persons for the win, am I right? 

Song #3: Head Above Water, Avril Lavigne

I've gotta keep the calm before the storm

I don't want less, I don't want more

Must bar the windows, bar the doors

 To keep me safe, to keep me warm

Yeah my life is what I'm fighting for

Can't part the sea, can't reach the shore

And my voice becomes the driving force

I won't let this pull me overboard

God, keep my head above water

Don't let me drown, it gets harder

 I'll meet you there at the altar

As I fall down to my knees

Don't let me drown, drown, drown

Don't let me, don't let me drown

So pull me up from down below

Cause I'm underneath the undertow

Come dry me off and hold me close

I need you now, I need you most

I can't see in the stormy weather

I can't seem to keep it all together

And I, I can't swim in the ocean like this forever

 And I can't breathe

God, keep my head above water

I lose my breath at the bottom

Come rescue me, I"ll be waiting 

I'm too young to fall asleep

***

Finish each day and be done with it.

You have done what you could.

Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in;

Forget them as soon as you can.

Tomorrow is a new day.

You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit

to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

There's been some really great memories from September 2018 as well. 

I got to be a judge for the Freshman Talent Show at Bryan. 

We dealt with bats flying through our rehearsals for The Matchmaker on a few different occasions. 

I had some very dear friends come through to visit and I was able to catch up with them. 

I've been able to watch The Matchmaker begin to come together in a beautiful way, and I've been able to wrap my mind around this crazy new job that I have.

 It's slowly beginning to make sense, one day at a time. 

2018 is getting closer and closer to being finished. 

And it's so cool to look back with each passing month and see what a beautiful tapestry this year has ended up creating.  

 

August 2018: A Life Made Of Moments.

AUGUST 2018

The best thing about being a teacher is that it matters.

The hardest thing about being a teacher is that it matters every day.

-Todd Whitaker

Song #1: Atlas: Six, Sleeping at Last

I had the most vivid dream...

My feet had left the ground,

I was floating to heaven

But I could only look down.

My mind was heavy,

Running ragged with worst case scenarios,

Emergency exits and the distance below.

I woke up so worried that the angels let go.

Oh God I'm so tired

of being afraid.

What would it feel like

to put this baggage down?

If I'm being honest,

I'm not sure I'd know how.

I want to take shelter but I'm ready, ready tofight

and somewhere in the middle I feel a little paralyzed-

But maybe I'm stronger than I realize

I want to believe

No, I choose to believe

that I was made to become

a sanctuary.

Fear won't go away

but I can keep it at bay

and these invisible walls

just might keep us safe.

With vigilant heart,

I'll push into the dark

but I"ll learn to breathe deep

and make peace with the stars.

Is that courage or faith

to show up everyday?

To trust that there will be light

always waiting behind

even the darkest of nights

And no matter what,

somehow we'll be okay.

Don't be afraid.

Obviously, this post is late. 

That's because my life is so chaotic right now that I have barely had time to breathe, much less sit down and write out my thoughts about anything personal.

In fact, I should probably be working on something for classes or the show or looking ahead to next semester.

 But I don't want to forget this time in my life.  This season....this moment.

And yes, it should come as no surprise to you that I'm quoting Into the Woods. My favorite Sondheim musical. 

Oh, if life were made of moments

Even now and then a bad one

But if life were only moments

Then you'd never know you had one...

Let the moment go

Don't forget it for a moment though...

I love those lyrics. Because I think that so often, I have a tendency to want my entire life to be moments that are meaningful and significant and dramatic and permanently altering.

And while that's not how it normally works...this past month has been one of the unusual times where there are so many "moments" I know are worth mentioning. 

So many moments that I know are significant. 

So many moments that I want to look back on and think, 

"Yep. That right there...that was important."

So for this month, I'm going to list the significant moments that have occurred since August 1. 

-There's nothing that can adequately describe the moment when you get a text message that says your best friend of 20 years had her baby: a beautiful little girl named Penelope Rachel Small.

...And yes, I am Auntie Lex <3 

-After four years of lengthy phone calls and Skype convos, I was able to talk and laugh in person with Kelly Findley, the Phil to my Darlene and someone who has proven his loyalty to our friendship 100 times over. 

-I spent so many hours in the Theatre office, moving furniture around, attempting to make it my own...and I definitely had a moment where I sat in the chair, looked around the office and thought, "Ok. I finally feel like I belong here." Now THAT was a weird feeling.

-Creating social media accounts for the Bryan College Theatre program (something I've wanted to do for SUCH a long time) and having the students get behind it 100%. It's so cool to see my experience with social media at Louisiana Tech (as well as my own personal obsession with it that everyone makes so much fun of) actually pay off in a legitimate way. 

-Casting my first full-scale show and loving every second of putting this production together.

(FYI, one of my new favorite things is to sit in my office after the cast list has gone up and listen to people's reactions when they see their name on it. I get so much joy out of hearing their excitement and passion for the show.) 

One of my dearest friends from Louisiana Tech, Travis Fontenot, stopped over on his way back to Ruston. I'm not sure when I'll see him again, but he's going to do incredible things as the Executive Director of the Dixie Center for the Arts, and I hope our paths do cross again in the future.

"Here's the thing about the beginning of your teaching career....you're going to mess up. You're going to make terrible mistakes and look back and say, 'I can't believe I used to do that.' It's part of the process. You need to accept the fact that you're going to be giving them a crappy education at times, and that is ok. 

Because the failures are going to make you a better teacher in the long run." 

Song #2: Worry, Andrew Osenga

Why do you worry, my dear friend

I know you're hurting with no end

I feel your anger-recognize it like my face in a pool

Worry is killing us; it robs us of today

It won't change anything or take the pain away

We hid in dizziness and hear ourselves say 

That we trust the hand of God...

-Having a night of tablework for The Matchmaker and listening to 16 students share their insanely creative and thoughtful ideas about the characters they are portraying.

-Starting my first full week of classes and literally drowning in to-do lists, class preparation and blocking the show. (Every faculty member I talked to said this is perfectly normal...not that it helps that much.) But watching students learn as a result of things that I am teaching them, to see concepts click and connections being made...there's nothing quite like it. These moments are what I knew I would love about teaching. 

-My onstage soulmate and my best friend, the one who knows me better than I know myself, and the one who honestly encapsulates so much of what Bryan College means to me...well, he came to see me. He came to two of my rehearsals, spent an entire day on campus, and for a brief moment the world felt almost right again. It was wonderful to be with him again and to see his excitement for this new step in my career. So thankful for the years of our relationship. I genuinely don't know what my life would be like if it wasn't for him and his love for me. 

-Two of the theatre majors at Bryan spent their summer as interns with Cumberland County Playhouse, and Bernie and I went to see them perform in Legally Blonde. Having Mr. B around for this year is such a wonderful support system for me. I'm beyond grateful to have his advice and encouragement on a daily basis. 

There are a lot of other moments I could probably mention....but the main point is that my life is overflowing with experiences right now. 

I'm feeling overwhelmed and out of my league on a daily basis, and constantly think I'm going to have a meltdown from exhaustion and anxiety; however, I've been told this is completely normal and that it will eventually pass. 

But here's something super cool: I'm learning so much about transparency and being open with students. It helps a lot to remember how I felt as a college student and what made me respect my professors. Most of the time, it was when they were honest about where they were at. So I decided that I needed to take the risk and be a little more vulnerable with my students. And it has made a difference in ways I couldn't have imagined.

However.........the really, really, really AWESOME thing that happened in regards to that topic has occurred in the month of September. So I'm going to wait on that until next month. 

(But make sure to check back, cause it's honestly such an amazing story.)

Song #3: dear insecurity, gnash

Dear insecurity

When you gonna take your hands off me?

When you ever gonna let me be

Proud of who I am?

Oh insecurity

When you gonna take your hands off me?

When you ever gonna let me be

Just the way I am?

Dear insecurity

I overthink everything til' my thoughts are impaired

I hate everything about me I think I need some air

Drink some water, take a breath

Take a moment to be thankful for the reasons that you're blessed

It's not about mistakes you made or failures that you had

It's all about the memories and little things you have

Your freckles and flaws to your body and bruises

Your scars to your beautiful birth marks, the truth is

We're one in the same

So play the cards that your dealt

Nobody likes you more than when you're being yourself

I am

Proud of the person who I am

Nobody's gon' tell me who I am

Or who I can be 

I am

Taking my life into my hands

They're tired of hiding who I am

I am me, so...

Just the way I am

I am proud of who I am

July 2018: Be Where You Are.

JULY 2018

Our ability to grow is directly proportional to an ability to entertain the uncomfortable.
-Twyla Tharp

***

Oh, man. What a CRAZY month. 

Crazy busy, 

crazy stressful,

crazy emotional,

crazy amazing,

crazy fulfilling,

crazy all of the above.

Here's a question. 

Is there ever going to be a month in my life that's not like this? 

I'm starting to seriously doubt the possibility. 

If I could sum up what July 2018 taught me, it would be this: 

Don't ever let anxiety about what's coming ruin the moment you're currently living through. 

In other words...Be where you are.

***

Song #1: Be Where You Are, Birdtalker

My friend, have you lost hold again
Do you feel like somebody else?
Have you got fire in your mind
That keeps you up at night?

Be where you are
Be where you are

Don't be afraid of how you feel
Don't look for life in past or future
Look right at it dead in the eye
After this moment there's a new one

Be where you are
Be where you are

Have you been using all the noise
To avoid meeting your mess
You don't have to work so hard
Just stop and take a breath

And be where you are
Be where you are

 ***

"I believe it is good for the young people to see how good people work through difficult situations."

The above quote is from a note that one of the actors gave me on the final day of our production.

It has been no secret that this summer was difficult for not only me, but for every single person involved. The cast was put through a ridiculous amount of struggles; change of director, change of vision, various actors being hospitalized and out of major rehearsals...the list goes on and on. But they never wavered and they rallied behind me in a way I'll always treasure and never forget. 

Before the house opened that last day, I was in the dressing room talking with the cast. When I finished, one of the actors stood up and said:

"You all know how important this story is to me...how much passion I have for it. This year has been a volatile one, and that has brought out a new kind of energy and emotion in us, even onstage. But I have seen this passion growing in some new people this year, which is exciting to witness. And on top of that, I have watched a young woman tackle the countless challenges thrown in her lap with grace and dignity, and through this process she has truly evolved into a real leader. I'm proud of her."

In that moment, all of the heartache and stress,

all of the late nights and tears,

all of the wondering why this had to happen to me at this particular season in my life...

it became worthwhile to me. 

Although I would have wished this opportunity to appear in ANY other way than which it did, I am so thankful that everything worked out as it has. 

The production was wonderful, the audiences responded with overwhelming positivity, and most of the cast has expressed a strong desire to return next year. 

I have an AD who has already committed to helping me rebuild this story from the ground up, and I have a million ideas racing through my brain. 

It's going to be an exciting future ahead.

However........I can't think about that anymore now. 

Because I start my job at Bryan College in exactly 12 days, and to be totally honest with you: 

I.

Am.

Completely.

And.

Utterly.

Terrified.

***

Can all of your worries add one second to your life?
-Matthew 6:27

If I can stay in the middle of the turmoil calm and unperplexed, that is the end of the purpose of God...it is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God.
-Oswald Chambers

***

All the anxiety I have been feeling about this new job, this uncharted territory? Well, it's becoming so bad that I'm almost paralyzed by the fear. 

Of course, I'm excited too. This is my dream, after all. 

But I also am terribly afraid of not being good enough to live out my dream.

What have I possibly experienced in my life to qualify me to be the professor, director and mentor that these students need?

I feel so inadequate.

What if I fail?

What if I disappoint the people who hired me and the students who are looking to me for guidance, knowledge and direction?

It's very difficult when all of the "what ifs" begin to pour in. 

But I'm trying to trust. 

Song #2: Every Little Thing, Hillsong Young & Free

Your favor waits within the future
My dreams are small compared to Yours
Why should I worry bout tomorrow when I know
All I gotta do is trust You, Lord

Behind the scenes and in the details
You plan the perfect way for me
Why would I dwell upon the road's uncertainties
When all I gotta do is look to You

Every little thing is gonna be alright
Every little thing is gonna be just fine
Whether I can see it now
I know you will work it out for good
Every little thing, everything will be alright

***

This blog post is particularly short. Not because there's a lack of things to talk about; rather, because I'm already late in posting and I have a million other things to do. 

Let's just hope I actually get to write on for August.

Crazy to think where my life could be in just 30 days. 

Absolutely CRAZY.

***

Song #3: Rise of the Sun, Willow City

I know you know we want to exchange
Everything in life giving us pain
But what will be will be
The reality: 
I need you every moment of my life

So stay with me through the dark of the night
You have a tendency to light up the sky
Cause it's your love that's keeping me strong
We'll weather the storm, yeah it won't be long 
Before the moon sets, the stars fade, the clouds start to run
And we'll see, we'll see the rise of the sun

You know I know we can't see up the road ahead
We'll keep walking this highway, this life they just won't understand
But when your smile shines through the night
You light up my world, forever I 
Will hold you and love you knowing that you're mine 

So stay with me through the dark of the night
You have a tendency to light up the sky
Cause it's your love that's keeping me strong
We'll weather the storm, yeah it won't be long 
Before the moon sets, the stars fade, the clouds start to run
And we'll see, we'll see the rise of the sun