*insert clever title for insomnia inspired paragraph*

This is hardly a blog post. In fact, I've been lying in bed for awhile, trying to fall asleep.

It's more of a blurb, a thought bubble.

Tonight I had an email waiting for me from my future theatre professor at Louisiana Tech. She was excitedly talking about the "welcome new graduate students" barbecue meet and greet that would be held 2 days before classes start, on Labor Day. She also explained that new students would be meeting with her that day to be advised on classes and get all of the remaining information they needed before the quarter began.

I immediately panicked, because due to an out of town wedding in which I am participating, I will not arrive on campus until Tuesday sometime...which means I miss the barbecue, I miss meeting everyone, and I miss the advising session. It means I will be the last one to arrive, the last one to know things, and the last one to meet people.

It's me, so I'm freaking out on the inside. I hurriedly replied to my professor, but I'm still waiting for reply. I honestly don't know what to do about the situation. It's not how I wanted this next season of my life to begin; out of sorts, confused and alone.

So I tried to clear my head, push it out of mind and go to sleep. But this phrase from a song we sang in church this morning was blaring through my being, repeating over and over and over and over and over and over and over. At first I thought it was just because I had heard it a few hours earlier. But suddenly the words repeated, ringing somehow louder in my mind.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow

Because He lives, every fear is gone

I know He holds my life, my future in His hands.

I don't think that's a coincidence. Do you?

Even if I show up to Tech with absolutely no idea about anything, I don't need to fear.
Even if everyone else has made friends and I'm late to the bonding party, I can face tomorrow.
Even if it seems like nothing is going my way, He holds my life.

Maybe now I can sleep.

A Letter to Liberty.

Yesterday evening, I was sitting on a couch in the lobby of our church building. Attempting to spend my free hour reading and writing, I read a paragraph before this preteen girl came walking up to me. She chose to ignore my not-so-subtle wish for solitude, instead plopping down next to me and chattering away. As the mostly one-sided conversation continued (I'll give you one guess as to who was doing all the talking), she asked how long I had been attending Liberty Baptist.

"My family's been here for 17 years this fall," I replied.
Her eyes nearly popped out of her head. (She was a tad dramatic, but I'm not one to judge that...)
"Seventeen years are you KIDDING me?!?!?!"
"......No."
"That's such a long time! That's, like, your whole life!"

And while in the moment, that conversation was an inconvenience, it made me think. It's very true; seventeen years is a long time. So I began to look back on those years, and all I could find was beautiful memories and gratitude for the people who created them.

A bit of background:

My family moved here when I was seven years old. South Dakota was all I'd ever known, and moving across the country absolutely terrified me. I was leaving my school, my friends, my house, my church, and at the age of seven, that was my entire world.

Upon arriving in Appomattox, Virginia, I found myself immersed in a different climate, a different culture and a completely different life. There were church members waiting to help us move into our house. We had church members bringing food for an army. There were even children of church members waiting to be my friends. It felt too good to be true.

Seventeen years later, I can tell you that it was true, and is to this day. For the three of us, hundreds of miles away from any extended family, these people were our family. They still are.

A lot of things have changed over the years, as to be expected. Pastors leave, new ones arrive. People come and go, leaders shift around. But every time I walk through those doors, I feel as though I'm coming home again. And that is something I believe will never change, no matter where I may go in life.

While sitting in church yesterday morning, I was journaling, and what I wrote still rings true.
(Side Note: Sometimes I journal in letters. It makes my writing feel more personal.)



Dear Liberty,

Today I'm sitting in church, and I keep looking around and seeing things that I love so much, things that are so dear to my heart. My father leading his beloved choir, my pastor who leans over in his classic awkward way to say, "How long ya in for?" and simply remembering 17 years of Sundays spent in this wonderful place. I've never been able to find another church that even comes close to resembling this, and I doubt I ever will. This sanctuary is filled with people that have shaped me and changed my life forever. 
I look around and I see Doris Nash (or Momma D), my 5th grade Sunday School teacher. 
I see Geri Granato, who was such a huge part of my time in youth group. 
I see Rodney and Rhonda Kane, who are my best friend's parents and loved me as an honorary child over the years. 
I see Melissa Small, who helped me navigate through the drama of being a teenager and encouraged me to use my struggles as stepping stones to strength. 
I see Jim Smith, who made up a secret handshake with me as a child and still remembers it to this day.
I see Mary Hancock, our church secretary who always let me sit at her desk and never got upset at me for changing her computer background when she wasn't looking. 

And even watching Rusty preach, I am flooded with memories of all of our conversations over the years. How grateful I am for a youth leader that would let me pop into his office, just to talk about his new stack of Hebrew notecards, or my confusion over where heaven really is. Being a ministers' child, I think I was privileged to see a side of him--and the other staff--that many people didn't see on a regular basis. I sometimes forget how glad I am to have known Rusty Small like I have.

I'm currently reading a book by Donald Miller, called "Searching for God Knows What," and he says this:

"I believe now and will always believe that if we are willing to love people, God will pour out His resources to bless our lives and our efforts."

This statement is full of truth, and no church has exemplified this truth as you have. You have loved people in countless ways, and God truly has blessed Liberty because of your passion for loving others.

There are many, many new faces that I don't recognize, and I know that in just a few weeks I'll be off once again to another place. But while I'm here, I simply wanted to take the time to say thank you to a home church that truly is home. Thank you for shaping, growing and guiding me into the person that I am today. I can honestly say that there will never be another church like Liberty Baptist for me. This place has been my life...and the people within its walls have stolen my heart.

I love you all, forever.

A Broken Body.

Okay. When I woke up this morning, I had absolutely no intention of writing a blog post today. I especially had no intention of writing a blog post that in ANY way touches the topic of gay marriage. I have tried my very best to steer clear of the subject, because to be perfectly honest...I have not been sure how to answer the question, "So what do you think about it?"

Right now I'm chuckling to myself, because I know that one sentence--saying I'm not sure how to respond-- is probably going to have several people saying, "Oh good heavens, she supports gay marriage. Call her parents, start the intervention, the music minister's kid has lost her faith!"


That is not what I'm saying. Please, hear me out.

***

Today, my home church's youth pastor Matt spoke about the unity of love. He based his message on Philippians 2:1-4. I'm only going to put verses 1 and 2 here, because they're the focus of this post.

"Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from His love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose."

Matt went on to say that as Christians, we must love everyone in the body of Christ. Even if someone has hurt us, wronged us, abused us, deserted us...we are called to love other believers. We can say,

"But you don't know the whole story. If I told you what he did...
                     
                        If you only knew what she said about me...
                                                   
                                                You weren't here when it all happened..."

And to be honest, I've done that. There have been people in my life that have hurt me. Some of those people left my life many years ago, and there are still moments when I feel the anger, the betrayal, and the pain that they caused me. I've even used that exact excuse before. When someone tells me I sound bitter and unforgiving, I retort, "You just don't get it. If I told you all the gritty details and explained everything, you would totally understand." And maybe that's true. But that's not the point.

During his message, Matt gave 3 statements that reveal how God responds to our struggle to love each other.

God is above personality.

God is above history.

God is above emotions.

The more I think about those simple truths, the more convicted I become.

***
I've often heard people say that one day, we will be at the throne of God worshipping and praising Him, all the while surrounded by everyone that has hurt and wronged us, everyone we were estranged from in life...and it won't matter because everything will be forgiven, made new, and forgotten. But here's my question:

Why don't we strive for that now?

Yes, it's not fully attainable. We're sinful jerks and incomplete. We won't be complete until we reach eternity. But why do we not try harder to forgive, to let go, to forget and to love each other on this earth like we will in the new one? We keep to such a narrow-minded view of things, griping about the people we can't stand and the hurtful, stupid things they do. Sometimes we even say, "Well, at least I know one day we'll get over this in heaven. At least I know he'll speak to me in eternity." We continue to talk about what's to come, thinking that the reborn world will fix everything. And it will, of course it will...but why do we not even attempt to create a semblance of that within our churches, our communities, and our nation?

Matt said something else that really caught my attention. He was talking about how unity is a result of individual humility, and that means we should have the same love, share the same feelings, and focus on one goal as a church, as a body. Of course, the goal of Christians is to make disciples--to bring people to Jesus. The Great Commission clearly states that fact, and it's no secret that evangelism is a pillar of the Christian faith.

But when you look, really look at the life of Jesus--you see that before Jesus drew people to Him, He simply...loved them.

He looked through their flaws;
                                                                 Because He is above personality.

He gazed beyond their past;
                                                                 Because He is above history.

He did not dismiss their uncertainty or hesitation;
                                                                 Because He is above emotion.

To put it plainly, Jesus loved people so completely and through that overwhelming love, brought people to Himself. How do we take such a simple way of living and make such a complicated mess?

***

This is where things get sticky. I scroll through social media lately, and all I see is believers (followers of Jesus, sinners saved by His forgiveness and love) spewing disgust, shock and ridicule at other believers (also just as much sinners who have been redeemed) who in turn retaliate with anger, resentment and cruelty. Just last night I came across an intensely heated argument between people from my own church family, and my heart was broken by reading the defensive and relentless judgment thrust from brother to brother in Christ.

I'm going to say this, and it is harsh. I have no doubt that some people will be offended, but I am so convicted and burdened by what I have seen.

When the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage, the church was given an INCREDIBLE opportunity to show not only the homosexual community, but the entire nation how Christ loves them. We were handed a chance to completely change the way homosexuals view Christians.

And we failed miserably.

The portrait that Christians have painted of Jesus on Facebook over the last 10 days is grotesquely unrecognizable. It is an embarrassment and a source of shame to me, as I know it must be to many others who have tried their best to stay away from the line of fire. How can we even begin to love the world like Jesus, to function as a unified body with one love and one goal, when we can't even manage to love each other that way? It is heart wrenching.

Matt made one more statement that I want to include here. While talking about how the church finds unity, he said:

"It is not our beliefs, our worship practices, or our morality that binds us together. 

It is our condition of mind."

I wish I could shout over the computer screen to you, because I feel it is worth shouting. Our beliefs are not what binds us together as the body of Christ! It is our desire to be Jesus to those around us. It is our longing to bring others to a place where they can experience His grace and His love. Our beliefs don't hold us together. There will always be deviations. There will always be those who think differently from you on certain issues. That's just life. But the command of God to love people, to show His patience, his sacrificial kindness and his constant forgiveness should be the one thing in which all Christians can join together. It should be what Christians are known for.

With the legalization of gay marriage, believers are so caught up in hurling accusations at those they disagree with...when all we need to be doing is loving not only the homosexual community, but loving each other despite our differences of opinions. We complain about how corrupt America has become and how far we have strayed from our Christian heritage. We whine that the government is godless and that soon, we won't have a single trace of Christianity left in the USA. But can we honestly say that our response to events like this has been appropriate? Can we truthfully state that we are trying to turn people's gaze to Christ, or are we actually just drawing deeper battle lines and clawing across them, snatching back our conditional love from those who aren't like us?

I posted a quote from Philip Yancey on Facebook when the Court's decision was first announced, and I want to reiterate some of what he said. It is so perfectly applicable.

"Jesus honored the dignity of people, whether he agreed with them or not...The person was more important than any category or label. How easy it is to join the politics of polarization, to find myself shouting across the picket lines at the "enemy" on the other side....[but] Jesus' love cuts across lines...and dispenses grace. From Jesus I learn that, whatever activism I get involved in, it must not drive out love and humility, or otherwise I betray the kingdom of heaven."

If Jesus looks down at us and the way we are living on earth, He would see that we trample people's dignity, slap a label on their disposition, and point a glaring spotlight at their differences. How much sorrow we must bring to the heart of God. He gave us the perfect example of how to live, and instead we take the parts of that example that we want and throw them in the world's face, changing a message of hope, forgiveness and unfailing love to one of condemnation, judgement and humiliation.

I don't know what it will take for us to put aside our differences, our disagreements and our sinful stubbornness...but I believe that when we do,

That is when we will truly begin to change the world.

National Friendship Day.

Usually I'm not one to observe these daily holidays. I mean, normally they're pretty ridiculous. Hug Your Pet Day, Doughnut Day...most of them just seem like excuses to buy something and then post it on Instagram with the hashtag.

But National Best Friend Day? I am all about that. :)

I posted a picture earlier of my very best friend Morgan, because she's pretty much in her own class. :D But I'll post one again because, hey, I love her.

However, I am very thankful to say that I have many friends that would fall under a similar, yet different category. For me, someone who is a best friend makes that friendship a priority. Even when you don't live in the same area, even when you're no longer involved in each other's lives...you still make a conscious effort to stay connected, to stay up to date on things.

So this is a special shout out to those people who have made me feel that my friendship matters to them, even though we may not see each other very often or talk very regularly.

I realize the official name is National Best Friend Day, but I think National Friendship Day would be more appropriate. ;)

This post isn't going to be long or profound. It's simply my way of saying "Hey, I love you, I think you're swell, and thank you for being such a wonderful presence in my life."

And, of course, I'm not saying it in words. Just pictures. Love you all. :)

God Gave Me You.

Saturday is quickly approaching, and with it comes the graduation of many people I deeply love. You know, it's strange; I often find myself wondering what it is that draws one person to another. Is it similarities in passion, schedules that continually overlap, or simply the social circle one finds themselves in? Regardless of the reason, I can honestly say that the class of 2015 from my alma mater has radically changed my life.

I came back to Bryan for one last semester, and found that almost all of my friends were gone. With the exception of maybe 2 or 3, my entire class had graduated...and I was living on campus, in a room by myself, feeling utterly alone. No one here understood how I felt. No one here could relate to my situation. I wanted to be here, but I wanted to leave. I was uncomfortable, uneasy. Life was hard.

As the semester progressed, however, I realized what an enormous opportunity I'd been given. With my normal circle of friends no longer at school, I was now able to look around me and see friendships and potential in people I normally would never have considered. (I realize that probably makes me sound like a class A jerk, but I am loyal to a fault and struggle with change. It's something I'm still working on.) Anyway, slowly I began to find friends in the most surprising people. And as the weeks went by, these people loved me, encouraged me, welcomed me with open arms into their "group" and I realized that they were some of the best and most real friends I would ever have. Yes, it made leaving so much harder than I thought it would be; but their love, loyalty and consistency is still affecting my life even now. As the past year has progressed, things have obviously changed. Some of these people I don't speak to now. Time and distance has pushed a few of us apart. But God put these wonderful, amazing people in my life at a very specific time and for a very specific reason, and even if things didn't always end the way I expected, I will never cease being grateful for the impact they had on my life. So, to the class of 2015, here is my heart for you.

Stacie Steel, God gave me you for encouragement. Thank you for reminding me that there are always people to love, no matter how far away they may be. Thank you for helping me to revive my love for music when I thought I was sick of it. I will always think of you whenever I see someone turn a page at a piano or hear Gilbert and Sullivan. :)

Jonathan Creasy, God gave me you for listening. Thank you for being there when I needed someone to let me pour out my fears and anxieties without judgment or ridicule. Thank you for reminding me that people come into our lives for a reason, and that our friendship was one I'll never forget. I will always think of you whenever I see Rick Taphorn or anything related to Charlie Brown. :)

Megan Darr, God gave me you for consistency. Thank you for reminding me that loyal friends do exist, and when you find one, hold on for dear life. You are one of those friends to me, and I hope you know that I'm never letting you go. I will always think of you whenever I eat at...well, anywhere really, and whenever I drive by Hungry Mother State Park. :)

Drew Morrison, God gave me you for wisdom. Thank you for reminding me that we have the ability to learn from our mistakes, that nothing we experience is in vain, and that the good friends are the ones who will lick spark plugs for you. ;) I will always think of you whenever I see a pigeon and whenever I speak in all caps for whatever reason. :)

Josiah Blakney, God gave me you for the bad days. Thank you for reminding me that sometimes loyalty is the most important gift you can give someone. Thank you for literally never turning your back on me, even when it meant losing others in the process...and thank you for continuing to ask me to be a part of your everyday life.  I will always think of you whenever I see Grumpy Cat and whenever I'm beyond pissed about something. :)

Naomi Martin, God gave me you for my heart. You are my soul sister, the person who understands me like no one else ever could. Thank you for reminding me that friendships like ours are few and far between, and that miles or distance will never end the unwavering love we have for each other. I will always think of you whenever I hear someone say "Lexi" and whenever I play the piano. :)

Justin Jones, God gave me you for my fears. Thank you for reminding me that sometimes our anxieties and our worries are ridiculous, and that we just need to move on and let go. Thank you for loving me despite my many flaws and inconsistencies, and thank you for choosing to be mine, even when there were other people in the way. I will always think of you whenever I step on leaves, whenever I hold hands with another boy (Ha, good one) and whenever I step onto a stage for the first time again without you.

I thank God for giving me all of you when He did, and for teaching me what He taught me through each and every one of you. I hope and pray that God continues to shape, grow and mature you as you walk away from Bryan and enter the rest of your lives; that you will run after Him, search for your passions and use them to not only serve the Lord but to change the world in your own unique way.

Congratulations, you guys. You did it.

Those You've Known.

There's been a lot of things happening in my life recently; a lot of big changes, a lot of "lasts," and a lot of emotional overload.

I've honestly been trying to process all of the things I feel right now...fear of moving somewhere new where I don't know a single soul, the ache of living so far away from everyone I love, and being generally overwhelmed at the realization that yet another chapter of my life is coming to a close.

***

We are always saying goodbye to people, no matter what phase of life we may find ourselves in. It's one of those awful realities we have to face. But it never really gets any easier. Especially for me.

I'm the type of person that hates change, and the type of person that adores my friends. Put those two together, and you have someone who wants nothing more than all of her friends in her life...for always. When I left for college, I fully expected all of my friends from high school to still be around when I graduated. However, with the exception of maybe 4, they weren't. To look back on high school and think of the people I was closest to feels as though I'm looking at someone else's life. I see pictures of me with those people and I don't fully comprehend the intimacy I shared with them, the type of relationships we had. 

But here's the weirdest thing about it. As time went on, the feelings of "missing" and "we should really catch up sometime" passed...and I found myself content, complete without them in my life. I had them for a time, and then I moved into a new chapter of my story; their story went in a different direction. And it was finally ok.

Fast forward to graduation from Bryan College. I found myself completely surrounded by people that I had lived everyday life with for 4 years, both the good moments and the beyond horrible days. They had seen me at my worst and loved me all the more for it. I could literally not imagine my life without them. And after we all graduated that day, there were many that I hugged and said "Hey, we'll see each other eventually." A few of them were my very closest, dearest, and best friends...But it's now been almost 2 years and our paths have never crossed again.

It's taken me a lot longer to get to the point where I'm content, complete without these people. These friendships were different; they were deeper, more mature. They were entwined with many more experiences and defined by a wide range of emotions. But although it's taken me more time, I am finally starting to understand that this phase of life is also over. I can still hold onto the memories and the moments I had with these people, but they're not in my life anymore. Again, with the rare exception of a handful of people, I rarely converse with my college friends and find that when we do reunite, we have little to talk about besides the "remember when" conversations. And that's ok. It's as it should be.

(Side Note: There is another group of people at Bryan College, the graduating senior class of this year. They don't really fit into the group I was just describing above...but I'm saving a blog post about them until it gets closer to graduation. So if any of you guys...you know who you are...are reading this, don't freak out. ;) )

And now...I'm about to move and start the process all over again. To be honest....it exhausts me to even think about.  This time, I'll only have 2 years to make friendships, to create memories, to love everyday life again. 

It sort of terrifies me. I don't want to open up my heart to more people, to allow more friends into my life...and especially not if it means I have to let more of the current ones go. 

I hate letting go. 

I hate goodbyes. 

I hate moving on. 

I hate that moment when I cease to feel as deeply as I once did about someone.

Does it really have to be so drastic? Do I really have to discard former friendships to make room for new ones?

***

As you know, I'm a theatre nerd. Although I can't say I'm a huge fan of the show as a whole, the musical "Spring Awakening" has a song that makes me cry every single time I hear it. When I was a senior in college, I sang it with two of my very best friends and ever since then, it hold so much more emotional weight than most songs ever could. I want to share some of the lyrics with you.

Those you've known and lost still walk behind you;

All alone, they linger till they find you.

Without them, the world grows dark around you,

And nothing is the same until you know that they have found you.

Though you know you've left them far behind

You walk on by yourself, and not with them

Still you know they will fill your heart and mind

When they say there's a way through this

Now they'll walk on my arm through the distant night

And I won't let them stray from my heart

Through the wind, through the dark, through the winter light

I will read all their dreams to the stars

They walk with my heart

And I'll never let them go

Not gone; not gone.

When I graduated from Bryan, one of my very closest friends (who was younger than me, and therefore not graduating) sent a few lines of this song to me the night before I left. 

Those you've known and lost still walk behind you;

All alone, their song still seems to find you.

I read that, and it practically screamed, "You may be gone from here, but you're still with me because I love you and because you affected my life."

And that's going to be my goal as I enter this new chapter of life; afraid, alone and overwhelmed.

To my friends, the ones who matter to me, wherever they may be:

Though I know I've left them far behind...

They will still fill my heart and mind.

I won't let them stray from my heart...

I'll never let them go. 

Burdens Shared.

Over the past week or two, I have had the unique experience of watching many of my friends struggle.

I don't mean this to sound pleasant; on the contrary, it is something that I wish I did not have to witness.

It has reached the point where I woke up in the middle of the night, around 2 am, so heavily burdened by the pain, fear and heartache that my friends were experiencing...I had to wake up and pray for them. This was something I had never encountered before; and I cannot say that I am the biggest fan of how it feels.

 Friendships mean the world to me. God has so richly blessed my life with people--I could list so many who have changed my life forever. And I am beyond honored to be the kind of person that a majority of them feel comfortable seeking out when they are in pain or in trouble. I love being the friend that helps through the hurting.

But at this moment...the hurting is just so heavy on my heart. And there's nothing I can really do about any of it.

So here's my prayers for my struggling friends.

To the friend who doesn't have any idea what the next step is, who feels overwhelmed by choices and defeated by uncertainty; I pray that the God of guidance gives you clarity--not for the whole journey, but for just the next step...so that you may learn to trust Him with everything more and more.

To the friend whose heart is broken by cruelty and abandonment, who feels unworthy, unwanted and cast aside without a second glance; I pray that the Healer reminds you how truly beautiful you are, both outside and within. I pray that He wraps you in His arms of comfort and holds you as you put the pieces of your heart back together. I pray that through the healing process you do not forget the pain, but use it to create strength and courage for what is next.

To the friend who feels ashamed of past decisions, terrorized by vulnerability and uncharted emotional territory, who feels utterly alone and unable to confide in anyone; I pray that you will give your burden to the One who can handle it. I pray that He envelopes you in His peace and His assurance that everything happens for a reason, and may He remind you that even our biggest mistakes or our deepest regrets can be used for good.

To the friend who feels lost from a dead end, who has no idea what the future holds and is shaken at the thought of giving up on a dream; I pray that you persevere through the frustration and anxiety. I pray that you allow God to shape your dreams and to follow where He leads you, no matter how long it may take to reach the goal. I pray that you do not allow fear to poison the new chapter of your life unfolding, but that through trust and faith you step out in confidence of His hand upon your future.

I don't expect things to get better automatically, or even anytime soon.
But these prayers could not be more genuine.
I've lifted my burdens to the Lord, and that's literally all I can do.
I know it is enough.

"Share one another's burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ."

 -Galatians 6:2