A Letter To the Man I Left But Will Always Love.

To the Man I Left But Will Always Love,


Last night, I was cleaning out my inbox, and I suddenly came upon a bunch of saved emails from 2010. It was my sophomore year of college, and what I found were a handful of love letters from, well, you. In one of the emails were a bunch of pictures of you and I...pictures that radiated pure happiness and romance. It had been years since I'd even thought about those emails, so I decided to read through them.

Most people would say that's a bad idea, especially because you're now married to someone else, but I have to say that I don't regret it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that reading those letters made me cry and long to have you back. It didn't. Our relationship has been over for many years now, and it is what it is. But reading them...it made me realize why that part of my life--why you are still so meaningful to me.

I have to admit, while reading your letters, my heart smiled. Those words don't bring me heartache any longer...rather, they bring me a gratefulness for the time that we had together. There were so many difficulties about our relationship, and so many things that I wish had happened differently. It has taken me years to be able to say this, but despite the trauma, I am so glad you were in my life. You forever changed me. I hope that I impacted you in some positive way as well.

I was so young when we met, so naive and unsuspecting of love's dangers. I fell in love with you wholeheartedly, and knew that we were made for each other. Being with you felt so right; when I was wrapped in your arms, I was home. I adored you. You were my everything.

And then, just as quickly, it all fell apart. But you never stopped fighting for me, despite the lies being thrown from every direction; despite everyone around us saying it wouldn't work, pushing us to give up, to run away. I tried to escape you, but you ran after me and made me believe you loved me again. I was so afraid to trust you, but you threw your arms around me and looked into my eyes, swearing that you had never loved anyone else like you loved me.

I believed you. I wanted to be with you so badly. I pushed away my friends, my family, anyone who was trying to keep us apart...it was us against the world, against the lies and deception and confusion. We were going to fight for us, and we were going to win.

But eventually I realized it would never be enough. The cautionary words of other people had seeped into my heart, and nothing you did or said would ever be able to convince me of your fidelity, of your faithful and true love for me.

So I left you.

I will never forget that night. You had no idea what was coming, and as I said the words "I can't do this anymore," you began to weep. I'd never seen you cry before, but the tears were streaming uncontrollably. You quickly kissed my cheek, and I felt the moisture of your tears on my face. Then you stood up and walked away from me. I don't know if you ever knew this, but as soon as you were gone I crumpled into a heap and sobbed as my best friend held me in her arms. I had let my one true love go, and I knew instinctively that I would never love anyone else like I loved you.

So, all of that to say, you changed my life. You really did. A lot more happened after that terrible night, but it doesn't matter. As I read over these emails, where you poured out your deeply rooted love and adoration for me, I realized that despite the heartbreak, despite the tears and loneliness and separation and eventual dissipation of anything between us...

You showed me how I long to be loved.

I wasn't meant to be loved forever by you, but the way you loved me is what I hope for with someone else. Thank you for demonstrating how much a man should love a woman.

I may have left you, but I will never stop loving the memory of you...because the way you loved me, even though it didn't work out, is something I have searched for in every relationship I've had since. And it is something that I will always be grateful to you for.

Thank you for loving me. It truly altered the course of my life.

Week #8: Making the Best of It.

My 2016

Week #8

Making the Best of It.

I've reached the end of Winter Quarter (Thank GOD). This quarter feels like it has gone on forever and ever, but after tomorrow I will be completely done. So, as I reflect over this past week, I'm filled with gratitude for everything I've learned...but I'm also beyond happy to see this quarter go far, far away. 

Monday consisted of an interview for my Graduate Directing class, during which our professor was selecting the future Director of our Graduate Showcase next quarter.

Tuesday involved leading a workshop at a local high school drama club with two of my friends.

Wednesday was Boards (Once a year, you go through an evaluation process with the faculty. You present something you've worked on in your area of emphasis, and the faculty talk to you about how you've grown and what you can improve upon). It was slightly unnerving because I had absolutely no idea what to expect, but overall it went very well, and I left the room feeling encouraged and confident.

Thursday I had a conversation with one of the voice professors at Tech, and he ended up telling me that he wants to find more ways to have me involved in the music department as an accompanist. Whether or not that will actually happen is up in the air, but nevertheless, it was so nice to be reaffirmed in my musical abilities. I miss being involved in music so much, and am hoping that I will have more opportunities to play while I'm here.

On Thursday evening I found out that I had indeed been selected as the Director for our graduate showcase. My initial reaction was shock, then elation, then an overwhelming feeling of stress...but I'm just so excited, the stress quickly dissipated. Directing is such a huge part of what I want to do in my life, and having this opportunity to actually lead a cast and create something wonderful makes my heart so happy. It's going to be a stretching experience, but I know I will come out on the other side so much more confident and capable. 

Finally, Friday was my dear friend Millie's birthday, and the department threw her a surprise party. It was so much fun to laugh and joke around with the people I see everyday, and to see the pure joy on Millie's face when she realized how many people here love her. 

It was a good week.

***

This morning, I was scrolling through my TimeHop, and a quote I posted a few years ago showed up. As I was reading it, I found that it applies perfectly to what I've experienced lately here at Tech.

"For what it's worth...it's never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you're not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again."

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

I am making the best of it. 

I am going 100% for what I want out of life. 

I am meeting people who see things differently. 

I am living a life I'm proud of.

So here's to a brand new week, my readers. 

May you take Fitzgerald's advice and live life to the fullest. 

It's so worth it.

Week #7: A Letter From A Recently Converted Introvert.

My 2016

Week #7

A Letter From A Recently Converted Introvert.

Dear World,

Since I've arrived at Tech, a certain aspect of my personality has drastically changed. Well, to be honest, it's been slowly developing over the past 2 years or so, but I've noticed it more in the time I've been in grad school. 

World: I'm becoming an introvert.

*gasp*

And I finally admitted it to myself this past week.

Those of you who knew me before now are probably shocked. I was one of the biggest extroverts in college; always making plans and forming groups and sending out Facebook party invitations. I loved being with people, and you would rarely find me alone...ever.

But now, it's almost nearly the opposite. At the end of the day I cannot wait to come home and be by myself. I don't really have a desire to go out every night and stay up late with people, being exhausted and energy deprived. Whether that's because I'm getting older or because of my surroundings, I don't know. But what I do know is that I'm becoming more of an introvert everyday. And I'm not upset about it.

Don't get me wrong; I have made some wonderful friends here. The people in the theatre department are great, and many of them care about me in a way I don't deserve. But I still value my time to myself. I enjoy sitting in my room, writing in my journal, reading a book, watching TV...just unwinding from the day's events. 

I just need you all to understand that it's nothing personal. If you invite me to do something and I say no, it's not because I don't like you. It's not because I don't enjoy being around you. Because I do! But at the end of the day, I reenergize by being alone. I've spent my entire day with people around me, and I just really need to be silent. 

Please don't hate me for it. Please don't cut me out of your life or your friend group. And please don't make me feel guilty for not being as sociable as you are. I may not be there every time you hang out, but I will be there sometimes....and I want to know that I'm still welcome every once in a while. So keep inviting me. I promise I'll take you up on it one day.

This is new territory for me. I'm learning how to handle it appropriately. Be patient. 

Sincerely,

An Introvert That Still Wants To Be Friends 

Week #6: I'm Right Where I Need To Be.

My 2016

Week #6

I'm Right Where I Need To Be.

So, I admit that this picture is rather random, and doesn't have anything to do with my post. I took it last night at our One Day Only event, a ten minute play festival that a lot of our department was involved in. I went to see it and tried to take pictures, and this is one of my favorites...probably because it reminds me of how I feel about life on a daily basis. Give me my Snuggie, junk food and a Netflix show, and I'm set. Anyway.

The past week hasn't really felt like a full week. I came back from Mardi Gras break and realized that there's only 2 weeks left in Winter Quarter. I'm feeling pretty good about everything, though, because all of my major assignments are either done or nearly there. I'm in a good place, which relieves a TON of stress.

Most of you know by now that my adventure at Louisiana Tech has been far more challenging than I ever thought it would be. I don't necessarily mean this in a bad way; grad school is supposed to be difficult. But a lot of various elements have combined to create a tough situation for me, and while I have insanely good days, there are also insanely awful ones. I often have to remind myself that this will all be worth it in the end.

It's funny how things happen, though. Lately I've been feeling especially frustrated, for a variety of reasons. But one day last week I was in my professor's office, discussing a bunch of things, and he randomly said something to me that completely changed my attitude about everything. He said,

"Alexis, I want you to know that you should be proud of all you've done since coming here. You got here in the fall, and you jumped right into everything. I'm sure it's been rough, and probably still is at times, but you've done great work. I say this selfishly, but I have no doubt that you're right where you need to be, and when you graduate you will be more than ready to work in theatre--and do extremely well."

He meant it to be encouraging (which it SO was), but it also made me realize that Tech is exactly where I am supposed to be. It's a part of human nature to wonder if we've made the right choice, to question how we ended up at one place and not another, to ask ourselves what would be different if we hadn't made this decision. But I'm through wondering that. Louisiana Tech is preparing me for the career I have dreamt about, and I no longer doubt that I will be well-equipped and beyond ready to tackle whatever comes my way. 

And that is so incredibly reassuring, folks. You have no idea.

So here's to another week, my readers. May you find confirmation in your lives; may you know without a doubt that you are exactly where you need to be, and may you begin to shine and excel at whatever is placed in front of you. 

There's no greater feeling than knowing you're in the right place. 

Week #5: Reunions Heal Your Heart.

My 2016

Week #5

Reunions Heal Your Heart. 

This week was kind of a mixture of things. I spent the first half in school, basking in the glow of no rehearsal and free evenings to do what I wanted/needed to do, which was glorious. 

On Thursday I drove to Dayton, TN to spend my Mardi Gras break with my college roommate and best friend Emilie. Because she still works at our alma mater (Bryan College), I also had the opportunity to visit with old professors and friends that were still in school there. Bryan's theatre department had their winter show this week, so I was able to watch my theatre friends perform as well.

On Friday night, we had a surprise birthday party for my dear friend Drew (pictured above). He has literally become one of the most wonderful, amazing, loyal and steadfast friends I have ever had. I can't imagine him not being in my life.

On Saturday, I got to help my former theatre professor build a set for the upcoming opera performance. It was so much fun to show him how much I've learned since being at Tech, and for him to see that I'm growing into a true artist, able to do well in my craft and excel at what I love.

Today, Emilie and I had a long conversation over Sonic Happy Hour with Caleb Julin, a senior at Bryan. He was a freshman when I graduated, and I have loved watching his college experience from afar and to see the man he has become over the last 3 years. It was so wonderful to catch up with him and to not only laugh hysterically, but to also have a serious, thought-provoking conversation. 

Right now, at this very moment, I'm sitting on the couch watching Frasier with my best friend while she eats Taco Bell and we just enjoy being together. I don't know where life is going to take her in the next few months. I find myself selfishly hoping that she comes to Tech as well, but wherever she goes, I know we'll never stop being inseparable.

And that brings me to my main point of this post. On Friday, something happened that made me think back on friendships I have had over the years. I realized when I arrived that I had told basically no one that I was coming to visit...which is unusual for me. Drew came up to me and said, "I can't believe you didn't tell me you were coming!" I said, "I am so sorry, I completely forgot and I feel terrible." His response was:

"Lex, I am confident enough in our relationship to know that if you are in town, you will find me at some point. We WILL see each other, no matter what. It's how we work. I know you care about me."

It was a normal response, but it made me think. God has blessed me so richly with friends that are tried and true, unwavering and faithful, even though we live hundreds of miles apart and hardly ever see each other. 

God is so good to me. Friendship is a beautiful thing, and I'm so glad I have the opportunity for reunions that heal my heart and refresh my spirit. 

That's really all I have to say, readers. I realize it's not profound or deep or inspiring. But it's what my week has been for me.

Here's to a brand new week: May you be reminded of the people placed in your life for you to cherish, to love and to appreciate. They are beyond priceless.

 Hold them close and love them well. I know I will.

Week #4: What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Thankful.

My 2016

Week #4

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Thankful.

I'm not sure where or how to begin this post. The past week has consisted of 8 Sleeping Beauty performances in 6 days. We opened Tuesday night, had both morning school matinees and evening performances on Wednesday and Thursday, evening shows on Friday and Saturday, then a matinee today followed by an event for families called Royal Tea. It felt like the week lasted 7 years, yet thinking back on it, seems like a blur of costume changes, kids jumping, and my hair turning grey.

The first half of this post is going to be about my kids. This entire experience has been a journey for me. When I first volunteered to be an Assistant Director for this show, the director assured me that I would be placed with the high schoolers. He knew I wasn't the biggest fan of children and that I didn't work well with them. However, the night we cast the show he looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to switch you to another group." The reason he gave made sense, but my brain immediately began panicking. Children don't like me. I don't like them. This was NOT going to work.

First night of rehearsals arrived, and I quickly realized that these kids were....different. Theatre kids are energetic, full of life, and incredibly creative. They had personalities that leapt out at me and made me want to know them better. I began to think that this might not be as bad as I had convinced myself it would be.

Fast forward to this week. We had our challenges; there were many, many times when I wanted to melt into a puddle on the floor because they could not FOR THE LIFE OF THEM WHISPER BACKSTAGE HOW IS THAT SO DIFFICULT. *sigh* But we made it. 

We struggled through the early mornings and the late nights. 

We trudged through the terribly stressful costume changes (getting 11 kids to change clothes by themselves is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life). 

We celebrated when the audience responded positively to our scenes. 

We were beyond thrilled when we performed for 1000 kids during one school matinee. 

We made it...and today, before our final performance, I told them, "I hope that this experience has taught you to love theatre and that it won't be your last show." And I sincerely meant it. 

These kids stretched me beyond my limit...but I'm much better for it now. I may have dreaded this process in the beginning, but now I'm thankful for the memories and the impact I hopefully made on these children.

***

Another stressful part of this week was the event I mentioned earlier, the Royal Tea. Due to some miscommunication and uncertainty, I ended up pulling the event together (with the invaluable assistance of a few other grad students) yesterday and today. It was, without a doubt, the most stressful experience of my time at Tech (and possibly of the past few years). I was completely thrown into the situation with no time to react or think...I just had to get it done. Bottom line. There was no escape, no alternate solution. I was in charge and it was up to me. 

And this is where the title of my post comes from. There were a few moments in the last 48 hours that I literally thought this would be the death of me. Even today, less than 30 minutes before the Royal Tea was to begin, there was a huge mishap that almost threw the entire event into shambles. I walked into the room and 3 of my cohorts were whispering in a huddle. They all looked up and saw me...and their eyes screamed, "Don't tell Alexis, she's going to have a meltdown."

However, after they delivered the bad news...

 I took a deep breath, a long sip of my Diet Coke and said "Ok. We'll figure it out." 

Those of you who know me know that I NEVER respond to stress in this fashion. EVER.

But I was calm, collected and managed to maintain my composure until the situation was resolved. The event proceeded as planned, everyone loved it, and it went off without a hitch.

My professor came up to me, kissed me on the forehead, and said, "You were magnificent. I'll never doubt you again."

And so that, my friends, proves that what doesn't kill you makes you thankful. So very, very thankful. 

Here's to a much less stressful and monotonous week, my readers. May your lives be filled with scenarios that not only stretch and grow you, but allow you to look back with gratitude on the experiences and what you have learned from them. 

It may not seem like it now, but it will be worth it in the end.

 I promise.

Week 3: It's The Little Things.

My 2016

Week #3

It's The Little Things.

If I had to use one word to describe this week, it would be

Grueling.

I have been pushing myself to the extreme for weeks now, and on Sunday night of this past week, I finally hit my limit. I didn't get sick exactly, but my energy level completely dissipated. The simplest task seemed excruciating and it took everything within me to get out of bed and into the office. Thankfully, my professors took pity on me and forced me to stay in bed, to relax, and to attempt to recover before we start the craziness of actual performances. So, for the first half of this week, I was teetering between sleep and a type of zombie-like existence. Fun stuff.

However, as this week has drawn to a close, I have been reflecting on the snapshots of life that occurred; the little moments I experienced that stood out to me. Sometimes, if you take the time to think about it, there are enough moments in a week to create a lasting impression and a sizable influence on your perspective.

So for me, this week was meaningful because:

I experienced the satisfaction of completing my entire to-do list for the weekend.

One of my kids in Sleeping Beauty was genuinely concerned that I didn't feel well.

It felt wonderful to watch my choreography for the show start to look like I had dreamed it would.

Another one of my kids drew a picture of her and I and gave it to me. (see above picture)

I'm finally finding my place in this theatre department and have friends that care about me, and I about them.

I laughed. A lot.

A parent from my group in Sleeping Beauty walked up to me and said, "I just want you to know that Sydney said her group is like her family, and she loves this show so much."

I had a great conversation with my director and mentor today during our cue-to-cue rehearsal, and he gave me a lot of insight into directing.

I learned how to pull costumes, sew on buttons, tack on wings, label, and cut tarp. 

I ended the week with burgers, laughter and advice from another professor and mentor, who manages to correct my idiotic notions without diminishing my zeal...something I truly admire about her.

So, even though most of my week was a blur from being exhausted beyond belief and slightly bed-ridden, there were more than enough meaningful memories to look back on and smile.

Life is precious. If only I always took the time everyday to remember moments like these.

Here's to a brand new week, readers. May you find snapshots of your life worth remembering, and may they make you smile, as mine have for me.