Week #47: Here We Go Again.

My 2016

Week #47

Here We Go Again.

At this moment, it's 12:30 am and a full week is about to begin.

The first full week of Winter Quarter.

And I am already struggling.

I'm taking 9 credits this quarter, which is the most I have ever taken during my grad school experience. 

My classes are: Studies in Dramatic Literature, Lighting Design, and Acting Styles. 

I'm also teaching again, which is basically like taking a 3 credit class. 

In addition, I'm serving as the Light Board Operator for our first winter production (Opera Workshop) and as Assistant Director for our second production of She Kills Monsters. 

It's a struggle because I am SO excited about every single one of these things. 

I know I'm going to love my Lit class because we're learning about musical theatre history (and making Instagram videos for credit). 

I know absolutely nothing about lighting design, so that class is going to be extremely beneficial for my future career. 

This is the first opportunity grad students have had to take an acting course, so I can't wait to have the opportunity to really delve into different styles of performing. 

I already feel much more confident about my Appreciation class this quarter, and after two days of being Mr. Guinn's AD for Monsters, I feel more utilized and valued as an Assistant Director than I ever have before. 

So, there are an overabundance of wonderful, truly great things happening in my life right now.

But I can feel it. 

I can already feel what's coming, and how it's slinking into my mind and heart. 

It starts out as stress, gradually morphs into anxiety and explodes into full-on depression by the end. Part of it is the classic post-holiday slump. January blues. Whatever. 

You're probably thinking, "Ok, but it's December 4. How can you have the post-holiday depression when the holiday hasn't even happened yet?" 

Well, I'm one of those fantastic people that begin to grieve the end of something before it's even begun. I'm always thinking ahead to the moment when that person, that era, that birthday, that year won't be there anymore. So I do this to myself. 

It's already begun to manifest itself in several ways. They're small, to be sure, but even in my daily interactions with friends, I see it. 

Little things--things that are so minuscule they shouldn't even be remembered--grate on my heart and cause me to descend into an emotional funk; a mess of aggravation, frustration and annoyance that comes out for no reason and lingers far too long. 

I let the little things get to me, and I let them affect my outlook on everything. 

And I hate it.

But Satan is so freaking crafty, my friends. 

He knows exactly what to do to get under my skin and make me seethe over things I should just let go: 

The coffeeshop that doesn't have the teabags I always use, 

A friend who backs out of plans we made together, 

My bank that screws up my credit card payments, 

My roommate who lets the dishes pile up, 

My student who claims his final grade made him lose all of his scholarships.

The list goes on and on...and on and on.

I'm so afraid that I'm not strong enough, not determined enough to fight this. 

Even though I desperately want to keep away from this all-too-familiar slippery slope, I find myself inching towards it with every moment that rubs me the wrong way or wounds my pride, my sense of self-worth and confidence.

So as a general statement:

I'm deeply sorry if I have offended, hurt or angered you by my actions since we've been back at school. 

I am asking the Lord daily to help me be kinder, more thoughtful, more loving, and more reliant on Him to get me through each moment. 

I know I'm failing more than succeeding, but know that I am truly trying my best. 

If you think about it, give me a smile and a hug when you see me. If you feel like I'm being withdrawn, make me talk about it. Let me know it's okay to verbalize things. Sometimes I need to be reminded. 

This quarter is going to be full to the brim with incredible learning opportunities, moments of growth and the deepening of relationships with people I already love more than I can say. 

Life is worth far more than perfection, success and popularity. I just need to keep my focus on what truly matters this quarter: growing, learning and loving.

...Not necessarily in that order. :) 

Week #46: Round the Corner.

My 2016

Week #46

Round the Corner.

Isn't this picture beautiful? I don't know why I love it so much...but I feel like I could stare at it forever and not get tired of it. My eye is drawn to the sky as it melts into the sunset, which displays the trees and horizon as striking silhouettes in the distance...and the road stretches out before me, bending slightly so that I have to move forward in order to see what's coming. 

*cue "Just Around the Riverbend" from Pocahontas*

I feel like Thanksgiving break is one of those strange combinations; you're not in school so you're relaxing, but you're thinking about school starting a week later so you're stressing. 

At least...that's my life so that's how break was for me. 

Don't get me wrong, it was great. I was able to spend some quality time with my parents, I frequented my favorite local coffeeshop, I walked around my hometown and admired all of the beautiful fall colors, I caught up with several of my friends from church, and I got to sleep a bit later than normal. 

But because I'm rarely able to simply enjoy the moment, I found myself constantly aware of everything I needed to have ready for the first day of Winter Quarter. I had to revise my syllabus for my Theatre Appreciation class, completely redo the schedule, order books, attempt to block our winter production, and also make sure all of my Tech friends' Christmas presents were either made, ordered or planned out. So while I was in a relaxed environment, my mind never truly relaxed. And sometimes I find myself wondering if I will ever be able to accomplish such a feat. 

In addition to thinking about school and classes and gifts, I spent a great deal of time pondering what's next for me. 

And as I look at that picture again, it sort of feels like that's how my life is right now. 

I have been so incredibly blessed...God has filled my life to overflowing with family who support me from too far away, friends who see past my shortcomings and choose to love me anyway, professors who pour into me and push me to succeed, mentors who encourage and advise me through the panic, and countless other people who have impacted and influenced me along the road I'm traveling. 

But as Winter Quarter begins on Wednesday, I'm realizing that I only have a few months left in this stage of my life. 

In May, I will graduate, and hopefully have a job lined up in theatre education. 

I'll be leaving the world of school and finally entering a full-time career that I can be excited and passionate about. 

It is completely and utterly terrifying.

It's the bend in the road; just ahead, shrouded in darkness. I'm struggling to move towards it, but I can't move in any other direction. Life is slowly inching me closer and closer to this new phase of my future...and while I have no doubt it will be beautiful and satisfying (just like the glorious sunset), the turn around that mysterious corner is going to take every ounce of courage and strength I have within me.

Should I choose the smoothest course

Steady as the beating drum...

Or do you still wait for me, Dream Giver

Just around the riverbend?

Week #45: To The Men Who Were There.

My 2016

Week #45

To the Men Who Were There.

I have some truly amazing men in my life.

That's quite a bold statement to make right off the bat, but it is the truth. And I have never known it as clearly as I know it after this week.

This week was one full of beautiful, lovely moments...but it was also shadowed by several deeply discouraging experiences.

I had an amazing weekend with a group of my friends: Memorable.

As my Theatre Appreciation class drew to a close, I felt like it was not a good reflection of my ability to teach: Disheartening.

I gave a great Boards presentation and received excellent comments from the faculty: Inspiring.

I totally bombed my final Design presentation and knew I disappointed my professor: Devastating. 

I got to give Cherrie her birthday presents, which she ended up loving: The Best.

I cried for a total of 3 1/2 hours today: The Worst (especially for my contacts).

And in the midst of all of this craziness, these men were there for me; both in big, demonstrative ways and momentary, meaningful ones. It's hard for me to put into words how overwhelmed I am by the amount of times throughout this week I have been impacted and affected by them...in a very good way. 

Therefore, in light of Thanksgiving coming up, here's an explanation of why I'm thankful for these men.

I'm thankful for Eric. 

I'm thankful that he was willing to come over on a Saturday and teach Emilie and I how to cook chicken parmesan...even though he left the apartment for 5 minutes and I managed to explode spaghetti sauce all over the wall, floor and stove. 

I'm thankful that he didn't get mad about it.

I'm thankful to have him in my life.

I'm thankful for Mitchell.

I'm thankful for the encouragement he gave me yesterday when I was talking about my class. I was explaining that I'm trying to focus on the few students who were influenced and impacted by the course to appreciate theatre more, and he said, "That was me last year; I wouldn't be friends with all of you or be involved in the department if it wasn't for Theatre Appreciation. So just think about having a few of me in every class, and you'll be just fine."

I'm thankful that we're also able to laugh, and that he has the same sense of humor as me...deliciously awkward.

I'm thankful to have him in my life. 

I'm thankful for Travis.

I'm thankful for his willingness to listen to a freaked-out first-time teacher despair. 

I'm thankful for his wisdom and patience with my complaints that I know will one day seem oh-so-silly...and he says, "I've been there, and I made it. You will too."

I'm thankful to have him in my life. 

I'm thankful for Drew.

I'm thankful for a friend who lives in California but keeps up with my life enough to know that I had a bad day.

I'm thankful for the fact that he knows me SO freaking well, and know exactly what to do when I'm feeling like the world's biggest letdown. He leaves me a voicemail that simply says, "You don't have to call me back, but I just want you to know that you have never disappointed me, and I love you." 

I'm thankful to have him in my life.

I'm thankful for Josiah.

I'm thankful for his loyalty, even when we have totally failed at communicating this quarter and I have no idea what's going on in his world.

I'm thankful that he took the time to text me and say "Hey. I love you. And I'm proud of you, your worth ethic, your stamina, your heart, and so much more. Just for the record." 

I'm thankful that we can love each other without needing to constantly express it...because it's understood. 

I'm thankful to have him in my life.

I'm thankful for Justin.

I'm thankful to answer an unknown phone number and realize that I'm hearing his voice after 15 months of wishing I could.

I'm thankful to have that awkward "So, how was your...year?" conversation and try to catch him up on the highs and lows of my life in grad school.

I'm thankful to hear the words, "I've been wanting to talk to you" when your deepest fear has been that you're forgotten.

I'm thankful to hear the cries of my heart being answered by a God who is so faithful.

I'm thankful to have him in my life again. 

Today, I felt like a failure in many different ways.

But at least I have so many genuine, kind, caring, thoughtful, loyal, and compassionate men who: 

Make me laugh through the stress,

Give me confidence to keep going,

Reassure me of my worth,

Remind me of their presence,

and prove, time and time again, their infinite importance to me.

Thank you all for being who you are. 

I am overwhelmingly grateful to know you. 

Week #44: The Post I Didn't Want To Write.

My 2016

Week #44

The Post I Didn't Want To Write.

I thought long and hard about whether or not to even mention the presidential election, and to be honest, I don't want to.

But a while ago I wrote a blog post about a similar issue, and a lot of what I said could be applied to this situation. I'm going to post some of it in here, because I think that people, especially those who are believers, need to re-evaluate the way their reactions and responses to this election result are being perceived and how they are affecting those around them. 

Disclaimer: 

I AM NOT SPEAKING TO A POLITICAL PARTY.

I am not speaking to Republicans. 

I am not speaking to Democrats. 

I am not speaking to conservatives. 

I am not speaking to liberals. 

I am speaking to believers. I am speaking to people who call themselves Christians, evangelicals, to people who claim to follow Christ throughout their lives and seek to demonstrate His love to others. This is in NO WAY a declaration of my personal political views, nor is it to be taken as such. 

*** 

I've often heard people say that one day, we will be at the throne of God worshipping and praising Him, all the while surrounded by everyone that has hurt and wronged us, everyone we were estranged from in life...and it won't matter because everything will be forgiven, made new, and forgotten. But here's my question:

Why don't we strive for that now?

Yes, it's not fully attainable. We're sinful jerks and incomplete. We won't be complete until we reach eternity. But why do we not try harder to forgive, to let go, to forget and to love each other on this earth like we will in the new one? We keep to such a narrow-minded view of things, griping about the people we can't stand and the hurtful, stupid things they do. We continue to talk about what's to come, thinking that the reborn world will fix everything. And it will, of course it will...but why do we not even attempt to create a semblance of that within our churches, our communities, and our nation?

Christians strive to fashion their lives after the example of Jesus. At least, that's what we so often claim to do. (I'm calling myself a failure in that department just as much, if not MORE, than anyone else. Just FYI.) But when you look, really look at the life of Jesus--you see that before Jesus drew people to Him, He simply...loved them.

He looked through their flaws and instead, saw their potential.                                            
He gazed beyond their past and instead, saw their future.
He did not dismiss their uncertainty or hesitation, but instead offered His embrace of comfort and reassurance.
                                                           
To put it plainly, Jesus loved people so completely and through that overwhelming love, brought people to Himself. How do we take such a simple way of living and make such a complicated mess?

This is where things get sticky. I scroll through social media lately, and all I see is believers (followers of Jesus, sinners saved by His forgiveness and love) spewing disgust, shock and ridicule at other believers (also just as much sinners who have been redeemed) who in turn retaliate with anger, resentment and cruelty.

I'm going to say this, and it is harsh. I have no doubt that some people will be offended, but I am so convicted and burdened by what I have seen.

When the presidential election results were announced, the church (as well as all evangelicals, no matter what party you're affiliated with) was given an INCREDIBLE opportunity to show the entire nation--a nation that was immediately divided, wounded, and crippled with fear--how Christ loves them. We were all handed a chance to completely change the way Christians are viewed in the world, and especially in our country.

And we failed miserably.

The portrait that Christians have painted of Jesus on Facebook over the last few days is grotesquely unrecognizable. It is an embarrassment and a source of shame to me, as I know it must be to many others who have tried their best to stay away from the line of fire. How can we even begin to love the world like Jesus, to function as a unified body with one love and one goal, when we can't even manage to love each other that way? It is heart wrenching.

My pastor made a statement one time about unity, and it has stuck with me for a long time.

"It is not our beliefs, our worship practices, or our morality that binds us together. 

It is our condition of mind."

I wish I could shout over the computer screen to you, because I feel it is worth shouting. Our political beliefs are not what binds us together as the body of Christ! It is our desire to be Jesus to those around us. It is our longing to bring others to a place where they can experience His grace and His love. Our beliefs don't hold us together. There will always be deviations. There will always be those who think differently from you on certain issues. That's just life. But the command of God to love people, to show His patience, his sacrificial kindness and his constant forgiveness should be the one thing in which all Christians can join together. It should be what Christians are known for.

With the recent election of Donald Trump, believers are so caught up in hurling accusations at those they disagree with...when all we need to be doing is loving each other despite our differences of opinions. I have seen people complain about how corrupt America has become and how far we have strayed from our Christian heritage. But can we honestly say that our response to events like this has been appropriate? Can we truthfully state that we are trying to turn people's gaze to Christ, or are we actually just drawing deeper battle lines and clawing across them, snatching back our conditional love from those who aren't like us?

Years ago, I found this quote by Philip Yancey, and I feel that it is especially appropriate now.

"Jesus honored the dignity of people, whether he agreed with them or not...The person was more important than any category or label. How easy it is to join the politics of polarization, to find myself shouting across the picket lines at the "enemy" on the other side....[but] Jesus' love cuts across lines...and dispenses grace. From Jesus I learn that, whatever activism I get involved in, it must not drive out love and humility, or otherwise I betray the kingdom of heaven."

If Jesus looks down at us and the way we are living on earth, He would see that we trample people's dignity, slap a label on their disposition, and point a glaring spotlight at their differences. How much sorrow we must bring to the heart of God. He gave us the perfect example of how to live, and instead we take the parts of that example that we want and throw them in the world's face, changing a message of hope, forgiveness and unfailing love to one of condemnation, judgement and humiliation.

I don't know what it will take for us to put aside our differences, our disagreements and our sinful stubbornness...but I believe that when we do,

That is when we will truly begin to change the world.

Week #43: Unanswered Questions.

My 2016

Week #43

Unanswered Questions.

This photo above may seem really random. But I looked at my phone and saw all of these messages at once, and I just had to laugh...because if you knew everything that had happened in that day to precipitate those questions, you'd understand why it's so comically tragic. 

The past week was tech week. I feel like that's all I really need to say for all of my theatre friends to immediately sigh and go, "Girl. Feel that."

For those of you who aren't theatre buffs, tech week is one of the most stressful weeks of a production. You have insanely long, tedious, frustrating rehearsals and have even more homework than you did before (of course), you're trying to balance school and theatre and office hours and sleep and pretty much failing at all of it. 

It's a lovely time.

This tech week was really no different, with just a few small additions.

- I slammed my head into a tabletop while studying one night and gave myself a concussion. It was a mild one, but still...it put me into a complete funk for about 2 or 3 days. DURING TECH WEEK. So I was in my corset, trying to do homework while my head glazed over and I just stared off into space. 

- I got really, really frustrated with one of my professors but decided not to talk to them about it. I was also frustrated with another situation in the department, and another one, and everything was building up inside but I wasn't doing anything about it.....and then it all just exploded. And while it was quite the cathartic experience, it was NOT a pretty sight. I think I yelled/cried/verbally vomited on 3 people in the span of about 2 hours. After the fact, my friend Katie looked at me and said, "Lex, you have been BLAZING down the warpath today. You're an inspiration. You're everything I want to be in the area of confrontation."

But that's just it. I hadn't been confronting anyone until that moment. And even then, I didn't want to talk about the issues I was having. My professor literally had to call, text, and send 2 other students to basically escort me to their office so that I would be forced to talk about my feelings. 

After that experience, I thought that I had reached a momentous fork in the road of my life. I was done bottling up my frustrations. I was putting the days of not calling people out on their crap far behind me. 

I told Katie, "Lex is a new woman. The warpath is now the normal path."

......except it really wasn't. I haven't changed at all. Even this morning, one of my colleagues interrupted me and began to talk over me while I was speaking. I just looked at them and sighed. My professor was the one who said, "Do you think you're more important then her? No? Then don't speak when someone else is speaking." Afterwards they told me that I should have been the one to say that. They said, "I don't know what else to do to make you stand up for yourself." 

Is that really what this is? Am I not standing up for myself? Am I actually letting people walk all over me? It's weird, because I've always thought of myself as a pretty strong person. I've never seen myself as someone who is trampled on by others. I guess I struggle with finding the balance between standing up for myself and just being a demanding, rude jerk. Where is the middle ground there?

I honestly have no idea. But my professor's words are haunting me and I can't help feeling afraid...afraid that I'm actually a weak, helpless, pathetic person who doesn't have the power or strength to fight for what she deserves in life. 

I don't want to be that person. I really, really don't. 

But how do I change?

As the photo at the top of this post shows you, there are so many unanswered questions in my life right now...I guess I can add this one to the ever-lengthening list. 

Weeks #41 and #42: A Whirlwind of Insanity.

My 2016

Week #41 and #42

Whirlwind of Insanity.

As I write this, I'm literally falling asleep because I'm so tired.

It feels like it should be the beginning of a weekend, not a Sunday night dreading Monday morning's arrival. 

I am totally failing at this whole "blog once a week for a year" thing, and it sucks because I was doing so well for so long...and also because so much has happened that I want to talk about.

But because it's so late, I'm so exhausted and I know I'm going to regret staying up to write...I'm just gonna say this. 

These last 14 days have been consumed with school. Like, I know I can be dramatic, but I have had more homework in the last 2 weeks than I EVER have before. Add some long Tartuffe rehearsals, a music gig I was hired to play for, and a early Saturday morning work call...and you can maybe understand why I feel like I'm sleepwalking right now. 

Last year, I was really good about getting 8 hours of sleep every night. (Looking back, I have no idea how I did that.) These past two weeks I've averaged maaaaaaaybe 3 1/2, 4 on a good night. 

My face is breaking out, my muscles ache constantly, and the bags under my eyes look like they've aged 65 years. It's been a little rough. 

But in the midst of all of this stress, confusion and overwhelming sleep deprivation, I've been able to have some truly beautiful moments with people here. 

Even though it was a lot of time outside of school that I didn't necessarily have, playing jazz music for my professor at a local beer festival was pretty freaking cool.

Spending some time with a friend I hadn't connected with yet this year was wonderful. We laughed until we cried and it was such a lovely reminder of the friendship we started building last year. 

My roommate and I had a long conversation and it was the first time in awhile that we both opened up about some things that needed to be talked through. Sometimes when you're with someone constantly you forget to have the deep talks, and I'm thankful that we can do that.

Like I said earlier, there's SO much more I want to write about.......literally so many things have happened lately. And I probably won't remember them for next time.

But I just dozed off again. So that's just not gonna happen tonight. 

My bad, guys. 

Here's hoping I actually write next week...

I'm kinda over these double-teamed blog posts. 

#lame 

Week #39 and #40: A Testimony of Grace.

My 2016

Week #39 and #40

A Testimony of Grace.

I honestly don't really know where to begin with this.

The past two weeks were some of the most difficult I've gone through in a long time.
(If you're interested in knowing all the nitty gritty details about that, go read my last post. It's a doozy.)

Needless to say, I'm better now. I'm still having moments (and probably will for awhile) where I feel inadequate, discouraged and unloved. But God's working on me, and my friends are surrounding me. I'm doing alright. I don't feel the need to put on a mask 24/7 and pretend everything's perfect, that I'm perfect, that my life is completely put together and everything is figured out. Cause contrary to my backwards beliefs...no one else has it together either. 

When I wrote my last blog post, I was a little worried that people would say things like, 

"Oh my gosh, can she be any more dramatic?"

"You know she just wrote this for attention."

"I can't believe she would write about a guy she likes on here. What if he reads it?"

I was afraid that the people who read the post would judge me for being that vulnerable. But I was so, so wrong. Within 30 minutes of posting, I had received countless FB messages, texts and emails from friends and colleagues, some of whom I hadn't spoken to in years. Their words of encouragement overwhelmed me to the point that (once again) I couldn't stop crying.

"You opened up your exterior shell in that post and shared the raw power of just some of the stuff going on inside with you and I am hurting from hearing your hurt. Even from 482 miles away, I want you to know I am sitting in my room now having the courage to sit and be honest with myself and cry out all the shit and joy inside of me. You continually prove to be one of the most fascinating and strong-hearted people I know which makes me love you more and more. Thank you for not sugar coating anything but also not swimming in self-pity. You are simply being shatteringly real in a paper maché world of fake masks."

"I understand how lonely grad life can be. How you feel like you'll never have a personal life because you're so buried under work all the time. Fight that loneliness. You will be so proud, boyfriend or not, at the end. Those of us who love you will be there cheering for you as you cross the finish line. God will not put you through what He cannot pull you through."

"Even if only 5 people read your blog post, that kind of honesty and authentic vulnerability is rare...I see my own insecurities reflected in your words."

"From the brief time I had with you [this summer], you showed more organization, more skill, more professionalism...more backbone, and more sense of humor than a lot of 'professionals' I know...You have the skills and more. Hang in there. You are worth it."

"Hey. So I love you. A lot. You are awesome. You are great at what you do. You are a wonderful friend and a great person. You are beautiful. You can make it through today. You can make it through this week. You can make it through this quarter. You can do it. I love you."

"My friend, Satan is a discourager and accuser and he will use every single opportunity to destroy you. You have so much talent. But when you stretch yourself, you're gonna struggle. You're doing a lot of new things this quarter. A new job. Teaching. These are things nobody is good at immediately. Keep your head up."

"You are...completely enough. You are a child of the Creator made to create for His glory! Made to love people with His love! Made to live out the passions and use the gifts He has given you! He walks before you in all things! You're an incredible person who cares deeply about your friends and will do anything for them...Anyone who doesn't recognize the gift of your friendship, let alone your affection, is missing out."

As I sat there, I realized that the Lord was using all of these people--both people I love deeply and people I barely know--to speak to me about His grace and His unwavering pursuit of me, whether I'm having a great day or I'm sobbing at my desk. God uses people in amazing ways. I have been in complete awe of that fact over the last two weeks.

And as I said, I'm really trying to remind myself daily that it's ok to be imperfect. It's ok to struggle.

I mean really. It is so easy to take God's grace for granted and to beat ourselves up because we keep failing at every turn. But His power is made perfect in our weaknesses! How can we say that out loud and not believe it, not be completely shattered by it? 

My failings, shortcomings, flaws, sinful tendencies, mistakes, and regrets--they all serve to perfect His power in me. 

So now, every day, I try to ask the Lord to hold me.

To hold me and my terribly screwed-up heart,

To hold me and my obsessive, perfectionist mind,

To hold me and my battered and bruised ego,

To hold me and my tear-stained dreams,

To hold me and my aching soul that longs for something more.

And He does. Oh, how He does. 

Here's to another week of constantly needing and constantly receiving grace...

And of letting perfection go.