Week #52: Snapshots of 2016

My 2016

Week #52

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Snapshots of 2016.

As I tried to think of how I wanted to format this final blog post in my project for this year, I thought about several different options.

 In the past, I've written a recap of each month of the year, using quotes and specific moments that jumped out at me. 

I've also composed mini letters addressed to various people, places or things that were important to me during the year. 

However, this year I decided to go for more of a social media route. I'm going to try to encapsulate what 2016 was for me using only pictures and Twitter. I will say this:

2016 was most definitely the year of grad school. I started the year in school, and I'm ending it there too. As a result, a lot of my memories and moments are focused around Louisiana Tech. 

JANUARY 

January was a month of discovering I had made lasting friendships over the past few months.

It was a month of working with children on Sleeping Beauty, which was both a blessing and a curse.

It was a month of dealing with the weight of the world on your shoulders and still managing to come out on top. #RoyalTea #neverforget 

FEBRUARY

February was a month of reuniting with Bryan friends and laughing till the tears flowed.

It was a month of memorable quotes from memorable professors that I truly had grown to love.

It was a month of finally being able to pursue my dream of directing my own show. 

MARCH

March was a month of housesitting for Cherrie and her owner, Lucy. ;) 

It was a month of being the Assistant Director for Love's Labour's Lost.

It was a month of slaving away on the most horrible, but most beautiful set ever.

It was a month of visiting an old friend and meeting her adorable baby for the first time.

APRIL

April was a month of being Cherrie's TA for Theatre Appreciation...an experience I will NEVER forget.

It was a month of watching LLL come together, slowly but surely.

It was a month of friends from college meeting friends from grad school.

It was a month of barely making it, and that's okay.

It was a month of realizing how far I've come and being really excited about my growth in life.

MAY

May was a month of watching No Exit come together in a truly beautiful way.

It was a month of realizing that growing up means your birthday doesn't really matter anymore.

It was a month of introducing LA Tech to the wonderful world that is Dr. Dwight Herbert Page.

It was a month of making new friends (that have proven to be much deeper and meaningful than I could have ever hoped at the time).

It was a month of looking around and saying, "Guys, we're halfway there."

It was a month of leaving Louisiana, flying past home, and beginning my summer gig as a Stage Manager for Cumberland County Playhouse in Tennessee.

JUNE

June was a month where I spent my days at the pool. Also, it was a month where best friends got engaged.

It was a month where my nights were spent in rehearsal and I learned that this experience was going to be...well, interesting.

JULY

July was a month of seeing long-lost friends and picking up like no time had gone by.

It was a month of remembering how beautiful my alma mater is. 

It was a month of watching my summer gig come to a timely end...but appreciating the friendships I made along the way.

AUGUST

August was a month of Music Camp. If you're reading this and you don't know what that is, ask me sometime. 

It was a month of directing my church's Drama Camp for the very first time, and loving every second.

It was a month of reconnecting with high school friends.

It was a month of road tripping across the country with my parents, my best friend, her parents, and a Uhaul. 

 SEPTEMBER

September was a month of remembering how much I love the people at LA Tech.

It was a month of teaching my very first Theatre Appreciation class all by myself.

It was a month of being cast in Tartuffe as Madame Pernelle.

It was a month of reconnecting with my favorite, Katie Brumfield.

It was a month of feeling good about myself in general.

OCTOBER

October was a month filled with Tartuffe rehearsals, Tartuffe hilarity and Tartuffe corsets.

It was a month where I gave myself a concussion. No big deal, not the first time.

It was a month of an emotional breakdown and finally getting my feelings out in the open, all while trying to follow this one piece of advice:

It was a month of playing jazz for my professor.

NOVEMBER

November was a month of performing this little show we put together and having a blast.

It was a month of being overwhelmingly grateful to have my parents in town to support my growth here, and to have friends at school who come to the show multiple times just because.

It was a month of accomplishing a huge Directing concept project: Julius Caesar, set in the 1970s.

It was a month of Family Dinners, particularly the one where Gimpy won Cards Against Humanity.

It was a month of completing my first quarter of teaching.

It was a month of falling in love with autumn colors in Appomattox.

It was a month of beginning my journey as Assistant Director for She Kills Monsters and having the pleasure of knowing Mark Guinn.

DECEMBER

December was a month of creating new ideas for the social media accounts at LA Tech, specifically for She Kills Monsters.

It was a month of celebrating Christmas with people I really love.

 It was a month of returning home and loving how much my parents and friends do to make me feel welcome.

Finally, it was a month of reveling in the knowledge that this was a year well-lived.

2016 was a hard year for me in a lot of ways. 

I was stretched, 

challenged,

 pushed, 

prodded, 

hurt, 

snubbed,

 rejected, 

ignored, 

and cut off. 

But at the same time, in 2016 

I found myself loved, 

accepted, 

encouraged, 

prayed for, 

appreciated,

 admired, 

remembered, 

missed, and 

longed for. 

I have learned so much in the past 12 months. 

I have become more of who I have always wanted to be. 

There's still so far to go, but the experiences I have to look back on have shaped my future in ways I can't even imagine right now.

Who knows where I will be on December 31, 2017? 

It's overwhelming and scary.

And oh, so exciting.

Week #51: Home is What You Make It.

My 2016

Week #51

Home Is What You Make It.

It's hard to believe that there are only 3 days left in 2016. Some people would be beyond happy that the year is almost over. 

I tend to have mixed feelings about it. 

Don't get me wrong; a lot of terrible, awful, miserable things have happened in 2016... 

But there's been so much good, so much beauty, and so much happiness as well.

And, in reality--isn't that the way every year goes? There are good days, bad days, beyond tragic weeks, blissful months...and to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Cause that's life.

As I've been at home this past week, it's been the same way; an interesting combination of good and bad. Even this final week of the year has been a mixture of smiling reunions and tearful confrontations, of laughter and anger, of awkward and comfortable.

It's weird; every time that I return to Appomattox I find it to be more difficult. I'm not saying that it's a terrible experience--I love coming home. But with each trip I find my friends more changed, my favorite haunts more changed, my church more changed...and I'm changed too. Just in a different direction. 

It's my home in name and in memories only...it's not really home in reality. And that's a little heartbreaking.

I know it'll always be "home." As long as my family is here and I have friends to catch up with, it will be a place near and dear to my heart. After all, this is where I lived most of my life. This is where I went from a seven year old scrawny child to...whatever I am now. It means too much to me. I could never completely disown it.

But I guess this is a part of growing up...of realizing that your life and your dreams are consistently taking you farther and farther away from where you began. 

The important thing I have to remember is that regardless of where life takes me, the people who were here all along will always be here, and they will always support, encourage and lift me up. 

May I always remember to do the same for them, wherever I am. 

Because no matter how much good and how much bad we go through...

I am truly blessed with a hometown that I love--and that loves me back.

Week #50: Christmas Can Be Lonely.

My 2016

Week #50

Christmas Can Be Lonely.

It's Christmas Eve, and I'm out of sorts.

Wanna know why? It's a stupid reason.

I'm out of sorts because I feel rejected and unvalued. 

Wanna know why? It's even more stupid.

I feel rejected and unvalued because for the first time in YEARS, I'm sad that I'm single...and I don't know how to process these emotions. Like, at all.

(Am I actually a 25 year old woman? Or am I 13 years old and about to start puberty?)

It's so pathetic how much we allow the meaningless, shallow and fleeting things in this life consume, manipulate and dominate our thoughts...as well as our hearts.

Why do I care if some guy looks twice at me when I walk by? 

Why does it matter if he likes all of my Instagram posts or not? 

Why do I get jealous when he seems to find my girl friends more interesting, more attractive, more fun to be with, and in general...just more appealing than me? 

Why am I allowing my worth to lie in such silly things?

Tonight I was venting to my roommate about it and she said some cliche phrase about how my worth lies in Jesus and not in a boy, that I am beautiful and valued in His eyes. She even admitted it was cliche...but she also said it was true.

And I know that. I know all of that cliche crap. I know I have worth in the Lord's eyes and that one day some guy is going to come along and see me as someone beautiful and worth loving and blah blah blah. 

It just really, really sucks when it feels like no matter what you do or what you say or how much you try to be yourself....

Yourself doesn't measure up to what he wants. 

You're not good enough. 

You on your best day, looking your most gorgeous, feeling the greatest about who you are and oozing confidence and self-assuredness is still not enough. 

And it never will be. 

If you've never experienced this feeling, you have absolutely no idea how incredibly disheartening it is. It sucks the life out of you. 

Combine this feeling with the emotional baggage of someone who has had almost every romantic relationship end through infidelity or the guy simply saying "you're actually not worth this, I'm out..." and it's crippling. 

I'm genuinely not saying this to be dramatic...but it makes me feel totally worthless.

I wish I had a switch to turn off my desire to be liked...and not even in a romantic sense all the time. Sometimes I hate how much I need to be valued by others. If only I could be content to be on my own, by myself. How much easier would life be without other people! 

But even as I type that I know I'm wrong. 

Humans are created to crave other human interaction. 

We need love, we need attention, we need validation, we need touch.

So I need people...I guess what I really wish is that I didn't need them quite as much. 

I know that come tomorrow morning I'll feel better and God is good and in reality, my sense of self-worth, value and beauty does come from Him.

I just needed to write this out.

There's my Christmas cheer for the day. You are entirely welcome.

Week #49: Day By Day.

My 2016

Week #49

Day By Day.

As I look back over the last 10 days (yeah, it's longer than a week, I've been busy ok), it's crazy to see how every single day had at least one moment that jumps out at me; a moment that was beautiful, memorable or genuine. I love moments. I'm so lucky to have so many of them.

Monday, Dec. 12: Mr. Guinn was out of town and therefore out of rehearsal. He put Jess and I in charge...and while I was a little nervous about it, I had SO much fun. There's not many other things I love doing more than being on a stage and working through a scene with actors; finding those tiny details, those moments between characters that can become so incredibly significant and meaningful. It confirmed my belief that directing is an area in which I excel and am passionate about.

Tuesday, Dec. 13: Rough day. This particular day holds some difficult memories for a lot of reasons, and whenever it rolls around I tend to struggle quite a bit with feeling alone and rejected. However, instead of wallowing in it all day, I told my friends that I needed them...and when I came home from rehearsal, they were waiting for me. Even if I was still feeling alone, I knew that I wasn't. Even if I was still bogged down with feeling rejected, I knew that these people loved me. And that's enough.

Wednesday, Dec. 14: On Wednesday night, my friend Mitchell was in a Christmas play at his church, and our entire friend group was going to see him. But I had rehearsal (shocker), so I couldn't go. I felt terrible; my friends are always so supportive of us and I wanted to be the same kind of friend for him. But I texted him 'break a leg' before hand, and met up with them afterwards. I later found out that Emilie took a picture of me with her, and added it to the group photo so it was almost like I went. :) I hate being that friend, but at least he knew I wanted to be there for him, even if it was in spirit.

Thursday, Dec. 15: We had our first scene performances for Acting Styles, and afterwards one of the other graduate students came up to me and said, "Lex, you were completely captivating in that scene. I couldn't take my eyes off of you." It was so encouraging to hear someone who I consider to be an incredibly gifted actor say that to me. That afternoon, I spent 3 hours decorating Howard stage for our annual Christmas party. It was SO MUCH FUN. I wasn't completely in Christmas mode before that, but it definitely put me in the right frame of mind. 

Friday, Dec. 16: The School of the Performing Arts had their big Christmas party, and although I missed most of it, when I finally arrived I got to take pictures with everyone and had a good time with friends and professors. That night, TTP had their Secret Santa party, and I went up onstage and played the grand piano in the dark for a good 2 hours or so. You don't understand how much I miss playing the piano...now that it's not a part of my everyday life, my soul aches to make music and the few times I have the opportunity to just sit and play does wonders for my heart. 

Saturday, Dec. 17: That afternoon, we had our first full run-through of She Kills Monsters, which went really, really well. Alpha Psi Omega had their annual Winter Formal that night, and we all got dressed up and danced like freaks. Although slightly awkward at first, I had a really great time...and then afterwards, our little friend family got together and exchanged gifts, taking turns opening presents and immediately trying on everything we got each other...just like a family does. It was so cute, and I was so content to spend the evening with these people that I love so very much. 

Sunday, Dec. 18: While Emilie and I were sitting at home doing homework, our door flew open and 5 people came barging in from next door. We said from the beginning of the school year that we wanted our apartment to be a place where people felt that they were always welcome, and I think it's safe to say we've accomplished that. I love the fact that friends are constantly dropping by and spending the night and coming in to talk or hang out. 

Monday, Dec. 19: Our final run-through of She Kills Monsters before break was happening, and because I was so proud of how far the show had developed in the past 2 weeks, I invited several of my friends to come watch rehearsal...just for fun. The run went great (no surprise there), and it was so cool to have people not involved in the show watch it and say, "That was awesome, I can't wait to see the final product!" I'm so excited to be a part of something like this, and to have friends who support me in it is also very cool. 

Tuesday, Dec. 20: Emilie and I left on our road trip from Ruston to Dayton, Tennessee...a road trip that was only supposed to take 8 1/2 hours....and it ended up taking 12. It seemed like everything was going wrong, and on top of that, my long-awaited reunion with Justin (something I'll save for a different blog post) had to be cancelled because we took so long getting there. I was tired, frustrated, angry and disappointed...but at the end of the day we made it to Emilie's house and that's all that really mattered. My adventures with her are never boring, which I am thankful for. :) 

Wednesday, Dec. 21: I got up fairly early and made the remainder of the trip from Dayton to Appomattox, Virginia. To be honest, I was still completely exhausted and there were several times on the road where I was afraid of falling asleep. But God is faithful, and I made it home in one piece. My parents had decorated the entire house, and when I saw the Christmas lights in my room I almost cried. It hasn't really felt like Christmas...but now I'm home, I'm with my family, I'm watching a Christmas movie and the holiday season finally seems appropriate and perfect. 

These past 10 days have had so many different highlights for me. And despite the way I may have felt in the moment, I'm thankful for all of them. 

Week #48: Pushin' Through.

My 2016

Week #48

Pushin' Through.

Ok, so, I've been priding myself on the fact that since I started grad school last fall, I haven't gotten sick once. For those of you who knew me in college, you know that's a HUGE deal. (I got sick a lot in undergrad...probably due to the 22 credits I took every semester. Heh.)

But my body finally caved on Friday and I've been struggling to keep my insane schedule going...because of course this weekend was the one where I had 10 things going on. Part of me wanted to drop all of it and just lay in bed, but I decided to push through...and I'm so glad I did.

Friday I walked into class and Mr. Guinn just said, "You look awful." And I really, really did. My body was achy, I was shivering but also burning up, my throat was on fire, my head was spinning, and I couldn't focus on anything. So I told myself, "Just get through your 2:00 class, and you can go home and rest."

Well, I'd forgotten that I also had a design meeting for She Kills Monsters. This was one that I really needed to be at, so I said, "Just get through the design meeting and you can go home and rest." 

The design meeting lasted 3 hours, and when I finally got home I remembered that I had to be at rehearsal Saturday morning...at 8:00 am. So I told myself, "Once you're up, you can get through the rehearsal, and then go home and rest."

Saturday rolled around, and after a 2 hour rehearsal, I arrived at One Day Only...our 24 hour event where we rehearse brand-new 10 minute plays all day and perform them that night. I was not feeling well at all, but I knew I couldn't back out. One of my closest friends had written the play I was cast in, and I wanted to do it for him. So I told myself, "Just get through the next few hours, and you can go home and rest."

One Day Only ended up being an amazing experience. My scene partner was wonderful, the script was truly beautiful, and I felt like I was actually performing something meaningful and thought-provoking. Definitely worth the dizziness and sore throat that followed me around all day.

Afterwards, a group of my friends came over and sprawled around the living room. Our original plan had been to decorate for Christmas and watch a movie, but we ended up just talking for about 3 or 4 hours. At this point, I was truly feeling awful, so I bundled up under the blankets and just listened to everyone chatting and laughing. These people have really become my family here at Tech, and when we are all together it feels like home. It's such a good feeling to have people who hug you one at a time and all say, "Feel better, get some rest, we love you." 

So, I guess the point of this post is to say that even though I'm still sick and I'm still not feeling well and I'm still trying to get a crap load of stuff done and tomorrow's Monday...

This weekend was so, so good.