Week #33: Life Goes On.

My 2016

Week #33

Life Goes On.

This past week (and then some) has centered around one very simple fact:

I'm getting older.

Now don't laugh. I know that I'm only 25, and in the grand scheme of things that's actually pretty young. But all week, I've been going to various doctor's appointments, and with each one I became more aware of the fact that I'm no longer this teenager with perfect health, limitless energy, stunning teeth, clear skin and exceptional eyesight.

When, for the first time in my life, I was struggling to read the 20/20 line of letters at the eye doctor, they told me I had a stigmatism in my right eye and that "most people at your age won't have 20/20 vision, even with corrective lenses." For some reason I got so freaked out by that. I've always been really healthy, in all areas. 

As my best friend later told me, "Congratulations--you've passed your peak." 

I realize I'm being a bit dramatic here. But it just kind of got me thinking. Life goes by so quickly. For awhile now I've been majorly stressing about money, school, comp exams, graduating, finding a job, getting health insurance, and basically not trusting the Lord to provide for me at all. 

I am getting older. But I still have so much life to live. Why spend it worrying about everything under the sun? God's got this.

I'm just taking it one day at a time. 

Week #32: Friends.

My 2016

Week #32

Friends.

This past week I've been trying to accomplish a lot.

I'm trying to pack up everything I will need for school, plus find furniture for an apartment I've never seen before and have no idea how much room there will be in it. 

I'm trying to gear up for my first class I'm teaching while feeling totally unprepared and incredibly inadequate to educate anyone about anything.

I'm trying to lose weight, which means I've cut out a majority of my caffeine intake and have been walking around in a fog-like state of withdrawal. 

I'm trying to make sure I spend a decent amount of time with my family and friends, since I won't see them again until Thanksgiving.

And while I didn't feel like I conquered most of these things, spending time with friends was definitely accomplished. 

Early on in the week, I had a BFF night with my lifelong friend Morgan. We ended up having an incredible conversation and when I left, I felt closer to her than I have in a long time. It was sorely needed for us, and I'm so thankful for the opportunity we had to spend time together. 

The next day I drove to a local theatre to see an old friend perform in Spamalot, and I went with a bunch of high school friends I hadn't seen in ages. It was great to have the group united again, even if we were outside in the blazing heat surrounded by Appomattox people who don't understand the conventions of theatre. 

I also had a chance to have dinner with my dear friend Amanda, who has been in India for several months and has recently come back to the States. It was so wonderful to catch up and to hear about what the Lord has been doing in her life. We always have so much fun when we're together. 

On Sunday, my pastor got up to speak and, wouldn't you know, his sermon was on choosing your friends wisely. It was an incredible message, and I found myself so grateful for the people God has placed in my life over the last 10 years. So many friendships have continued to grow and transform into something really special to me, and this week was proof of the lasting relationships I have made through the years. I have tried to choose wisely, and I think that I have done rather well in that department. 

The rest of the week consisted of more packing, more list-making, and more stressing, but I'm glad that I was able to counteract those mundane things with lovely moments spent alongside lovely people. 

To my friends:

I love you guys. 

Week #31: Finding Direction.

My 2016

Week #31

Finding Direction.

As I state in the title, this week found me searching for direction and answers in a lot of different scenarios. Since being at home, I have been trying to explain to people what my long-term goals are (always an interesting time) and in the midst of that I have also been attempting to gear up for another year of grad school, a move back to Louisiana, preparing to teach my first class in the fall, and somehow find the time to spend with friends, family and see all of my doctors. You know, the normal summer routine. 

For those of you who know me, you know that I am pretty confident in who I am. I love being a student, I love being in theatre. I am perfectly content being single and being on my own. I know what I want to do with my life (for the first time in a looooooong while) and I'm trying to take steps to accomplish that goal. I couldn't be more content.

However, there have been moments throughout this past week where I found myself doubting who I am and what I want out of life. Whether in the midst of rehearsals for the show I directed this past weekend or in conversations with people, I had moments of confusion and feeling overwhelmed at the life I have created for myself. Is this really what I want? Am I really okay with being a theatre professor for the foreseeable future, directing plays, teaching classes, being on my own, and slowly becoming the crazy cat lady with the dramatic flair I know I am destined to be? (Cause let's be real...I'm totally gonna be that lady.) I pride myself on the level of contentment and confidence I have. These moments of confusion were stressing me out. And we all know I love stressing out. 

But God is so good to me. He uses so many moments in my life to provide clarity and answers, even in situations I didn't know I needed them. 

This week was my church's annual highschool/college drama camp, and for the first time in 10 years my dad asked me to direct the play. The kids come in from 5-9 every evening and we put together a little one act show. It's something that immediately comes to mind when I think of summer, and I was excited to be able to take on a leadership role this year.  I was really proud of my parents; they had to take a step back and not only let me do my thing, but also take direction and criticism from me. We had a few tense, awkward moments but they really tried, and I'm grateful for that. I had anticipated a much more difficult transition. 

On Sunday night, we had our final performance, and as people were congratulating the cast, a mom came up to me and said, "My daughter told me that out of all the directors she's had in her life, whether church theatre or community theatre or anything else, you were her favorite. She said you see the smallest details in a show that need fixing, and think of even the tiniest things to make the show better. She loved every minute of working with you." 

And in that moment...I had the reassurance I needed that this is what I am called to do. Directing is my passion; I've stated it so many times before on this blog. I am never happier than when I'm directing a show. Why I doubted that passion I have no idea; it is something I love with all of my heart. And there--there was my clarity. 

I've also had some moments of confusion about my current relationship status. For the last few years, I have found myself extremely content in being single. I have had absolutely no desire for a boyfriend, husband or significant other at all. I enjoy being alone; I love having the freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want. 

However, over the last few weeks I have been conflicted about whether or not I really want to allow myself to be open to prospective relationships. It was quite a struggle, but God was once again faithful to give me absolute clarity and solidify my instinct that I need to continue to be on my own for awhile. As to the future, who knows. I'm not thinking about it. 

So, there you have it. Right now I'm sitting on my bed, watching Ocean's Eleven and attempting to be productive (and failing miserably, of course). Summer is quickly drawing to a close, but I'm glad I once again have a firm grasp on who I am and what's coming up in my life. 

Life is good, readers. Life is so good. 

Week #30: Oh, How He Loves.

My 2016

Week #30

Oh, How He Loves.

Love has turned into such a cliché. We shy away from talking about it because we think it makes us appear weak, overly sensitive or out of touch with reality. I'm just as guilty of it; so often I cover up my love of love for fear of being too girly, of being a stereotypical love-crazed female. For some reason, I think that brushing aside the concept of love will make me look more stable or better equipped to succeed in life. Love, who needs it? It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Except it is.

Over the last few days, I've felt that the concept of love--specifically God's love for me--has been thrown in my face at every possible turn. It's funny how God will plant a thought in your mind, and then that thought will continue to be woven into your life until you finally get the hint and work through the kinks. That's been my life lately. In church this morning, the sermon was about finances....but every lyric of music that I heard throughout the entire service was about love. His love. His love for us. His love for me.

Oh, how He loves.

Such a basic concept. Something we're taught from day one of children's church. We say the phrase "Jesus loves me" without even thinking about the incredible weight that sentence holds. 

He. Loves. Us. 

The other day, I was talking to someone, and I made the offhand remark that I love who I am. I like to think of myself as a confident, strong, self-assured woman. I like to imagine that I have a pretty firm grasp on who I am and who I want to be. But that's not entirely true.

Sometimes I remember who I have been in the past; When I do, the mistakes I've made and the weight of my regret makes my heart so heavy that I often can't breathe. That's hardly the portrait of strength and confidence I prefer to emulate. 

So...maybe I don't love who I am. Maybe, instead, I love who His love has made me. I'm still a jumbled-up mess of heartache, "if onlys" and a longing for second chances...

But regardless, He has taken my mistakes and turned them into lessons I needed to learn. 

He has taken my regrets and turned them into reasons for thankfulness. 

He has taken my sorrow and turned it into contentment. 

And He does this, all of this, because He loves me. 

Oh, how He loves.

I mean, really. The God of the universe, the Creator of everything, chooses to love me; a pathetic, shallow, empty shell of a woman who can't go five minutes without royally screwing up. 

How do we so easily forget something so terribly overwhelming?

My friend Michael sang the song "How He Loves" this morning, and the words from it have been mulling around in my mind for the past few days. It doesn't matter how many times I hear it, there's a certain part of the song that always brings tears to my eyes. 

We are His portion and He is our prize

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes

If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest

And I don't have time to maintain these regrets

When I think about the way

That He loves us.

The last sentence, though. 

I don't have time to maintain these regrets.

I don't have time to regret the teenage years of rebellion and angst towards my parents.

I don't have time to regret an addiction that has plagued me throughout high school, college and will always be a constant struggle in my adult life.

I don't have time to regret countless broken relationships, the loss of which I mourn on a daily basis and long for a chance to make things right.

I don't have time to regret the insincerity I too easily produce in my dealings with others.

I don't have time to regret the selfishness I battle in pursuit of my own ambition.

I don't have time to regret the distance and apathy I so often experience in my faith.

I don't have time to maintain these regrets because...

He loved me before these.

He loves me through these.

He loves me because of these.

He loves me in spite of these.

Oh, how He loves.

My prayer for you, dear readers, is that you will be reminded and, consequently, overwhelmed at the deep, deep love of Jesus today. May He find a way to show you that you are His beloved, regardless of your past. He loves you. 

Oh, how He loves.

Week #29: Last Night of Summer.

My 2016

Week #29

Last Night of Summer.

Well.

I'm sitting here, in my little cozy apartment, trying to think of an adequate way to sum up what this summer has meant to me. 

Now that I'm looking back on the last 8 weeks, it's hard to believe that everything really happened the way that it did. It seems ridiculous that just last week, we were performing the show that I never thought would come together, to large audiences who responded very positively. It seems incomprehensible that two entire months have gone by and I have lived every single day in between.

Where does time go? That's such a cliche statement, but really...how have 8 weeks already come and gone; all of the experiences, the stress, the tears, the burdens, the joys, the friends, the accomplishments, the victories...now just a distant memory?

The past week was a complete blur (as so many of my weeks seem to be). We had 7 performances, all of which went off without any major hiccups. It was great to sit behind the production table and realize that I had actually done it...I had done what I never thought I could do. It was a wonderful feeling, and I am extremely glad that I chose to take this opportunity. It was all worth it in the end. 

Then again, isn't it always? 

I'm sad to leave tomorrow. Tennessee has always had my heart for various reasons throughout the years, and now is no different. There's something inherently special about this state, about this town. It holds so many amazing memories for me, and now I can add this summer to the bank of treasured moments from this "little mountain town."

This has been a summer of sunshine,

of friendships,

of confusion,

of facing my fears,

of accepting challenges,

of putting myself out there,

of letting my hesitations go,

of being open to possibilities,

of repairing what was broken,

of loving those near me,

of making new friends,

and so much more. 

Yeah. I'd say it was a major success.

Week #28: Just One Of Those Weeks.

My 2016

Week #28

Just One Of Those Weeks. 

Dear readers,

This week was.........something else. That's really all I can say. It consisted entirely of technical rehearsals, a flurry of costumes, figuring out how to adjust sound levels and fervently hoping I wouldn't royally screw up this production.

And you know what? Opening night went really well. The crowd was responsive, the cast was energetic, there were almost no technical difficulties (I know, right?) and I felt really great about it. Despite all of the frustration, the long nights and the miscommunication throughout the entire process, I was thankful I had decided to be a part of this project. It was all worth it in the end.

.....Until yesterday, when we had two shows in one day. I figured it would be rough, but I was totally unprepared for the level of exhaustion I felt. There was also a situation with one of the actors that was uncomfortable and unpleasant to deal with. Being the stage manager, I was the one who had to confront them and resolve it. The conversation didn't go well and as a result, I was severely distracted throughout the second show. Thankfully, we were able to patch things up afterwards, but by that time I was completely drained emotionally and the thought of doing another show today made me want to weep. I was tired of managing these people; I was so irritated by their attitudes and neediness. All of the things I had felt so good about the night before now seemed ridiculous. Why did I even take this job? With the exception of one cast member and my ASM, every single person involved in this production grated on my nerves. I had been hired to do one thing and suddenly found myself doing 7 other jobs as well. I wasn't being paid enough for this. Worst decision ever, Lex. 

Today I woke up with a sore throat and the feeling that I'd slept for 5 minutes. When everyone arrived at the courthouse, it soon became clear that the entire cast was running on fumes. Jim did his best to pump up everyone's energy, but the entire show felt like an uphill battle. I felt like I made about 100 mistakes; the lead singer's mic stopped working after intermission and we couldn't change it. Our director came over to the production table and was talking loudly to us during the show, right next to where audience members were seated. Actors dropped lines and the pacing was agonizingly slow. I missed a few lighting cues because we were trying to fix the mic problem and you know what? I actually CAN'T do everything by myself! That's not how this is supposed to work! Every single aspect of this show seems to be resting on my shoulders and I'm sorry, but I'm not good enough for that responsibility.

Oh, and guess what? Jim has given Friday's brush-up run through rehearsal over to me. He won't be there, and told the cast that I was going to be directing/stage managing/running the production table. 

Cause I needed one more thing on my to-do list.

*sigh*

But the show concluded, we all went home, and I'm currently sitting in my bed, wearing an oversized sweatshirt and reveling in the silence. We made it through weekend #1, and thankfully our director has given us 4 days completely off. I am going to sit by the pool, read a lot, spend time with friends and try not to think about packing up all of my stuff to go home in a week. I'm praying that these few days without thinking about the show will help to clear my head and regenerate my spirit. 

Cause gosh, I need it. 

4 shows down. 3 to go. 

Almost there.

Week #27: Blur of Contentment.

My 2016

Week #27

Blur of Contentment.

Man, this past week has been so great.

Friend-wise: After Naomi left, my best friend Morgan from Appomattox came to stay with me for 4 days. Morgan is so good for me. I force her to slow down and be lazy for a little while, and she knows how to keep me calm and even keeled when I'm stressed. Even though it felt like I constantly had rehearsal, we still managed to have a great time together. We drove to Chattanooga and spent the day exploring the city...it was wonderful. Friends that you can try face masks with, complain about jobs with and laugh at the Mindy Project with are something to be treasured. 

As soon as she left, one of my closest and dearest friends from Bryan came to visit, Megan Darr. She was my suite mate for 2 1/2 years in college and we spent literally everyday together while in school. I hadn't seen her in over a year (which was completely unacceptable) and it was so refreshing to spend time with her for a few days. It's hard to explain how encouraging it is to see someone after 13 months and picking up exactly where you left off. Friends that you can sit in complete silence with for hours without feeling awkward is a beautiful thing. 

Job-wise: This past week began technical rehearsals...and with that change also came additions to my list of responsibilities. I learned how to operate the lighting and sound boards. I learned how to follow a calling script and be completely responsible for all technical elements of the production. I learned how to keep my cool when actors are being complete butt heads. Basically, I finally feel like I'm doing something important in this job and am excited for the performances. It's nice to not feel completely frustrated and overwhelmed overtime I go to rehearsal. 

This week was a blur. It consisted of 

friends coming and going, 

laughter, 

pictures, 

memories, 

rehearsals, 

answering questions, 

deep breaths, 

Goodbyes,

"See you soons,"

and a lack of sleep.

But I wouldn't trade it for anything.