However, over the past few weeks my emotions (and therefore my words) have been slowly boiling towards the surface of my mind, and today they finally spilled over into coherent thoughts. I was sitting on the couch in my apartment, reading my Bible and journaling a letter to God (I believe I've mentioned in the past that writing letters to the Lord is how I pray.) Anyway, this month I've been reading the book of James, and as most Bible-readers know, James 3 is one of the most convicting chapters in the Word. I mean, really. It's a tongue-lashing (hehe, punny) on the tongue...and how destructive our words can be to our lives. It's a passage that everyone knows and tends to avoid.
So today, I read through that section, felt appropriately convicted, and then continued on to the next paragraph, James 3:13-15. I've read it several times already, but for some reason the words jumped out at me today.
"If you are wise and understand God's ways, prove it by living an honorable life..."
I read the words over a few times, trying to process what the main point was. And it suddenly hit me.
What does an honorable life look like? I'm not sure I even know the answer to that question. I admit that my immediate preconceived notion of an honorable person tends to be someone famous, someone who has lived an incredible life full of serving and helping others, someone who has made a huge impact on the world and who is in history books as someone worth studying, worth knowing about, worth remembering. Someone like (in the evangelical world) Billy Graham, Mother Teresa, or Elisabeth Elliot. There are even people in my life today that I would label as honorable: my father, my pastor, several college professors...all of which have accomplished great things in their lives and have something to show for the years that they have lived.
You probably can sense where this is going. For the past few weeks, I have really been struggling with feeling...useless. Now don't get me wrong here. I'm happy to be in Knoxville, happy to be living on my own, happy to have a job where the environment is pleasant and the people are nice. I'm incredibly thankful. But this isn't what I had imagined. I mean honestly. I would not have moved here to work at Chick-fil-a. That wasn't the plan. None of what my life is right now feels like I thought it would be. And I find myself asking if this is really what life is? I'm done with college. Grad school is a possibility, but if that doesn't work out...am I really just going to work a day job for the rest of my life? I can't even bear the thought. At the risk of sounding cocky, am I not meant for more than this? Surely all those years spent pursuing other dreams were not wasted for a life of...well, to be painfully honest, drudgery.
There. I said it. I feel like my life is a drudgery. Which seems to me to be the farthest thing from honorable that you can get.
Ok. Well, keep reading. Cause James does not end that sentence there.
"If you are wise and understand God's ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom."
....Humility.
As hard as it is for me to admit, I'm struggling with humility right now.
You see, all throughout my childhood, teenage years, high school and college, I was always the center of attention. Sometimes I hated it--being a minister's daughter put me constantly under scrutiny and I longed for the anonymity of my friends and the freedom to make mistakes. But for the most part, I was accustomed to being before an audience, performing for a crowd, always preparing for the next show or performance...whether that be on an actual stage or just in front of my church family. (That's another topic for another time.)
But now, I'm working in a job where I'm not the focus, where I don't stand out, and where nobody gives a second thought to what I'm doing or what I'm good at or what my dreams are.
And it's terribly difficult. But I'm beginning to think that this is why God put me here. To learn humility. To become humble so that He can work through me. "He must become greater; I must become less."
James goes on....as if this wasn't already convicting enough.
"But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don't cover up the truth with boasting and lying. For jealousy and selfishness are not God's kind of wisdom."
Ouch.
Lately, I have often found myself listening to, and consequently envying, other people talk about their plans, their careers, or their futures. You have no idea how many friends I have either beginning new dating relationships, becoming engaged, or getting married. And yes, my previous posts are still correct in that area--I have no desire to be in a relationship or be married at ALL--but what I envy is not the relationship...it's the knowing what's next. I'm surrounded by people that know what the next step is, whether that be school, a new job, starting a family...and here I am, silently screaming "Why is it so easy for you?!"
When I graduated high school, countless people told me, "Alexis, you're going to do great things. You're going to live an incredible life, and I can't wait to see how you impact the world. You're so talented and gifted and God's going to use you in amazing ways."
I believed them. And yet, my life feels anything but incredible. I'm not impacting the world. I'm barely impacting anyone. I'm not using my talents...I'm wiping tables and handing food to customers. How is God using me when I feel like nothing I'm doing matters in the least?
But I have to start reminding myself that being jealous of others' futures is not of God, and it will get me nowhere in life. Complaining about my job will not make my life any better, and it definitely won't get me where I want to be.
I know these things. But it's just so hard.
There's a song that was sung at Passion this past year, and there's a line in the lyrics that I love.
I don't want to live outside Your ways
I don't want to miss Your heart for me
How true. I don't want to miss the Lord's heart for me. And I'm terrified of just that.
So here's to looking for God's hand in my everyday life, whether that be as I pick up trash and wipe down tables, or while I'm sitting in my apartment alone doing absolutely nothing. Here's to seeking His heart for me so that I make sure I never miss it.
Even when the next step is a giant blur.
