October 2018: Artistically Divided.

OCTOBER 2018

The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. 

The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before.

-Albert Einstein

October was quite a month. It was the month that everything in my life had been moving towards since the school year started. The deadline of October 25, 2018, loomed over me every single day, and I felt a combination of exhilaration and overwhelming dread as it crept closer and closer. In my mind, this was the ultimate test: this school had hired me to do a job, and now the question of 'Am I good enough to pull this off?' was going to be answered.

And to be perfectly honest...I have never felt so much pressure. I typically thrive under stress and the knowledge that a lot rides on my ability to succeed, but this was different. There were WAY too many nights when I left rehearsal wondering if this show was going to be a complete and total failure. 

Song #1: Girl, SYML

Girl, perfectly her, broken and hurt

Soft and asleep in the morning gray

Shake off the night and don't hide your face

The sun lights the world with a single frame

I want you to see this, I want you to see this

Today and all of your days, I'll wear your pain

Heal what I can in your troubled mind

Sometimes our bodies will hurt for some time

And the beauty in that can be hard to find

I want you to find it

I want you to see this

I want you to see this

So run, wake up and run my little one

I want to tear down these walls that can't hold you inside

Rip out the cords and uncover your eyes

We'll make our escape in the dark of night

I need you to see this

Girl

You'll see the world and you'll come to learn

That falling in love is a strange work of art

All of your battles will shape who you are

And know that your scars are my favorite part

I want you to know this

***

Audiences will believe anything if you do it well. 

-Eugene O'Neill

In the weeks leading up to opening night of The Matchmaker, several things happened that seemed to drain my artistic energy and spirit.

 I had to "fire" a cast member for not showing up to rehearsals.

 I had several parents attempting to get homework extensions for their child and simultaneously crush my excitement about the new things I'm bringing to this program. 

(Side Note: There's nothing worse than hearing someone say "Because of the expectations you have, my child is losing her love of theatre." But that's a topic for another day.) 

I had to deal with the overwhelming fear that the set for the show might not be ready on time.

I had to worry about my mom falling down a flight of stairs and cutting her chin open...and being unable to be there for her.

In the midst of all of these "bumps," I was trying to keep the cast motivated and excited, to keep myself motivated and excited, to keep looking forward to the day when people were actually going to see this thing and who knows if it was even going to be funny and WHAT IF NOBODY LAUGHED AT ALL.....

However.

The Matchmaker was more amazing than I ever could have imagined. The audiences were perfect, the cast and crew did an incredible job every night, and I received more positive feedback than I was anticipating. There aren't enough words to express what the overall experience was like for me. This was something I had been dreaming of for so very long, and to be able to watch it unfold was honestly a dream come true. That's really all I can say about it. I was able to see my dream of so many years come to fruition in front of me...I wish everyone could have that experience in their own lives. Because it's truly life-changing. 

The night after we closed, we had a cast party and it ended up being one of the coolest things I've ever been a part of. During table work, I had asked each actor to come up with a secret for their character that they would never share with anyone else...not even me. At the cast party, we went around the room and shared the secrets. Everyone was in tears; in those moments, I saw just how far each person had taken their character development in a communal desire to make this show everything it could possibly be. I couldn't be more proud of them and their undying dedication to this production. It was the best first show of my dream job, without a doubt. 

Letting go of the story was harder than I expected. Most of you who know me would probably say "That's not surprising at all, Lex. You struggle to let go of literally EVERYTHING." But I had already been feeling somewhat artistically "divided" during the final stages of the show. My brain was already moving towards the next production we have here. And I hated that! I felt like I was cheating on one show with another one. As we began tech week for The Matchmaker, I noticed that my mind was attempting to compartmentalize itself. I knew, subconsciously, that there's another show coming (2 more actually) and that I would only have a WEEK in between the closing of Matchmaker and the auditions for Almost, Maine. How is that even enough time to begin analysis and vision development for an entirely new production? 

I would sit there during tech rehearsals for The Matchmaker and find myself stressing about Maine.

(When I was in graduate school, my directing mentor Paul used to talk about how he would be over a show before it even opened. He said, "My brain is already looking towards the next project. I've done everything I can with this show. It's time to move on." He would say that, and I just could NOT understand it. In my mind, I couldn't fathom how you wouldn't be so wrapped up in a production, in a story, that you didn't need to see audiences enjoy and capture the meaning of your artistic vision? I just figured it was his personality, and I wouldn't ever be a director like that.

So shout out to you, Paul. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I get it. I finally get it. Sigh. Why are you always right...)

ANYWAY.

When The Matchmaker was officially done, I felt guilty because I had already been struggling with feeling distracted by the upcoming show. But a few days later, my Assistant Director and I sat down and read through Almost, Maine...and when we finished, I looked up and said, "This is exactly what I needed. I'm in it, my head's in it, my heart's in it; I'm ready to go." 

And boy, am I ready. 

There's a lot of other things that happened this month, but to be honest I can't think of them. This was by far the pinnacle of October 2018 and I feel like everything else just doesn't really matter at the moment. 

And looking back seems pointless right now, because I am wholeheartedly ready to see what unfolds in the next 4 weeks.

Song #2: Atlas: Seven, Sleeping at Last

How nice it'd be if we could try everything

I'm serious, let's make a list and just begin

"What about danger?"

So what, "What about risk?"

Let's climb this mountain before we cross that bridge

Cause I'm restless, I'm restless, I'm restless

For whatever comes next

But I want to be here

Truly be here

To watch the ones that I love bloom

And I want to make room

To love them through and through and through

And through the slow and barren seasons too

I feel hope

Deep in my bones

Tomorrow will be beautiful

And I'm ready, God I'm ready, oh I'm ready

restless and hungry, but I'm ready

For whatever comes next