The Struggle is Real.

Reader, I'm struggling. And it feels so stupid. But it won't go away.

So here's the short version. Believe me, you'll be glad I didn't write you the novel.

This weekend (actually, just half of Saturday and half of today) I was up at Bryan College once again, to see a few of my friends in the fall play. It was fantastic, and although the visit was brief, I got to see everyone I wanted to (with the exception of one professor).

Today, one of my friends and I went to Sonic, and while we were sitting there, she randomly asked me how I was doing with regards to a specific situation in my life. This situation happened months ago...in fact, it's been close to a year now. And since she's one of my best friends, like a sister to me, I answered her truthfully. Which basically boiled down to, "I'm okay most of the time. I have my moments, but for the most part I'm good. I wish things were different, sure, but they're not, and that's okay. It's all okay." And we talked a bit more about it, but the conversation moved on, which was fine.

However, for the remainder of the day...as I was driving home, as I was putting my things away, as I was going about my business in my room...I felt this heaviness weighing down on me. Ever since that conversation, I felt like I had been thrown back into the past and emotions/feelings/hurts that I had genuinely tried to put behind me from that situation were boiling over once again. From that one simple question, I found myself reliving conversations, moments, and events that should not be relived (for many reasons, one of the first being for my sanity's sake). Try as I might, I could not shake the sorrow. It was deep, and it was real. And I openly wallowed in it. I delved into the memories and let them wash over me.

And all of this was from a simple, sweet "How are you doing with that?"

Apparently...not okay.

But here's the thing, people. I AM doing okay. I really am. Just like my response to my friend, I'm good 90% of the time. Which is a heck of a lot better than I would have replied 6 months ago. So why the sudden backslide?

Because, believe me when I say that I am beyond ready to move past this. I am SO ready.

So my struggle is this: If I honestly want to move on from something...if I know it's time, if I know I need to...why can't I do it? Why does one simple question asked by someone who cares about my progress proceed to make me backtrack through all of the pain and emotional trauma I have worked daily to put aside?

I literally don't get it. And I'm beyond frustrated. It makes me feel like an adolescent once again; like I'm creating drama out of situations that don't even exist any longer. Like I'm desperately grasping for any remnant of the memory so I won't ever lose it completely.

Except...I want to move on. I want to let go. I want to be able to look back and only see the lesson learned--instead of also seeing every single detail of everything I so badly need to forget.

I don't have a solution. I don't have some revelation from a sermon or Bible verse. This is something I am seriously struggling with, and I'm so tired of it. But apparently, being weary of a struggle doesn't magically make it disappear. Wishing you were past the pain doesn't make it so.

So what does?

I'm waiting for an answer.

Into the Storm.

This morning I woke up fairly late, having one of the most exhausting weeks I've had in a very long time. I realized that in about 20 minutes, my church back home in Virginia would be live streaming their 11:00 service. I also remembered that is was Homecoming Sunday, which is a big deal in our congregation. We have an enormous choir that sings, my dad usually hires a string orchestra to accompany the music, and we normally invite a former pastor to come back and speak. We're Southern Baptists, so obviously there's food. :) It's one of my favorite times of the year. So I decided to sit down and worship with my church family from afar…and I'm so glad I did, because it was honestly one of the most moving services I've witnessed in awhile.

One of our former pastors, Gene Mims, stood up to speak, and every single word in his message felt like it was written for me.

He begins to talk, and one of the first statements he makes is this.

"Hold on to the past as long as you need to, but grab on to the future as soon as you are able."

That sentence is so incredibly comforting to me. Sometimes I think that we push the idea of "getting over" our hurt and "moving on" past the grief too quickly. We experience a particularly painful breakup. A family member dies unexpectedly. A valued relationship is cut off with no explanation. A child turns away from his family. Terrible things happen in this world; it's a given. But why do we feel the need to get over it as quickly as possible? Grief is necessary. Pain is normal. Sadness is expected. And it's okay to still feel negative emotions about painful moments in our lives…even if they happened weeks, months, years ago. 

I can so relate to this struggle. I look at my life, the past…oh, I don't know, 5 or 6 years…and I could make you a list of the things that have hurt me. Losing my best friend in high school. Having my heart broken in college. Giving up on my dream for a musical career. Solid friendships one day being completely dissolved the next with no explanation or hope of reconciliation. Family members dying with no hope of seeing them in eternity. Watching people you love so deeply move away from you and seem happier and better off because of it. SO many things. And as I read over that list, I came to realize that I am still holding on to many of these instances in some way. The hurt is still felt, the pain is still present. 

And I feel guilty, as if I've done something terribly wrong. Just last night, I asked a friend if I was being "pathetic" for still feeling hurt and saddened about a particular circumstance that occurred almost a year ago. He said, "I don't think you're pathetic. I think…everyone heals at their own speed. It's not right for anyone to tell you what that should be." Which is true. I just wish everyone felt that way.

***

The text he used for his message was Matthew 14: 22-29…the story of Jesus walking on the water. However, instead of delivering the usual "God performs another miracle" angle, he proceeded to use this story to emphasize how God uses the storms in our lives to bring us to Him.

Oh boy.

I could give you the 3 point outline of his message, but that's not what stood out to me. I could give you the specific examples he used to prove his points, but it doesn't really matter. What I do want to tell you is what he said at the very end.

In the story of Jesus walking on the water, Peter eventually calls out to Him and says, "If it's really You, tell me to come over there to where You are." Jesus tells him to come, and he immediately steps out onto the water and begins to walk over to Jesus. You see, Peter realized that being with Jesus on the water in the midst of the storm was far better than being in a boat with the disciples…but here's the key.

Jesus did not walk over to to grab Peter's hand and pull him out of the boat. Peter had to take the first step. He had to step out…onto the waves, into the storm…in order to be where Jesus was, to be with Him. 

Gene Mims explained that we often have this plan for our life: 

What we want to do as a career,

Who we want to marry,

How many kids we'll have,

Where we'll live,

What kind of legacy we want to leave behind…

And we look over at Jesus and say "Come over here and be with me as I do all of these things! I need You with me so I can succeed…so come here." And we expect Jesus to walk over to where we are and walk along beside us on OUR path, OUR way. 

When in reality, we must go where Jesus is.

We must step out of the boat, step onto the waves, step into the storm raging around us...and join Him on His path for us. 

Where in Scripture does it ever show Jesus saying, "Oh, I'll just go wherever you're headed." 

Never. 

In every single circumstance, Jesus walks by, stops, says, "Come with me," and then continues on, either with the desired follower by His side, or alone. 

He doesn't make exceptions. He doesn't fail to lead. He doesn't waver and say "Fine, we can go your way for a bit." No…He invites us to accompany Him on His road, and then leaves the decision up to us.

Gene Mims challenged us to ask ourselves, "Am I expecting Jesus to come to me, or am I giving up my plan for my life and walking across the storms of this life to where He is?" 

Needless to say, it was deeply convicting.

So, to conclude, I realized today that it's not a sin to hold on to the past. It's not pathetic to still grieve and hurt over things that happened long ago. It's not wrong to remember what used to be.

But even more importantly, I realized that every storm in my life is an opportunity for me to step out onto the waves of pain, loneliness and heartache…and to walk across the water to where Jesus waits with hand outstretched. He holds out the promise of a future unimaginable…

And when I'm ready, all I have to do is grab on.