The Struggle is Real.

Reader, I'm struggling. And it feels so stupid. But it won't go away.

So here's the short version. Believe me, you'll be glad I didn't write you the novel.

This weekend (actually, just half of Saturday and half of today) I was up at Bryan College once again, to see a few of my friends in the fall play. It was fantastic, and although the visit was brief, I got to see everyone I wanted to (with the exception of one professor).

Today, one of my friends and I went to Sonic, and while we were sitting there, she randomly asked me how I was doing with regards to a specific situation in my life. This situation happened months ago...in fact, it's been close to a year now. And since she's one of my best friends, like a sister to me, I answered her truthfully. Which basically boiled down to, "I'm okay most of the time. I have my moments, but for the most part I'm good. I wish things were different, sure, but they're not, and that's okay. It's all okay." And we talked a bit more about it, but the conversation moved on, which was fine.

However, for the remainder of the day...as I was driving home, as I was putting my things away, as I was going about my business in my room...I felt this heaviness weighing down on me. Ever since that conversation, I felt like I had been thrown back into the past and emotions/feelings/hurts that I had genuinely tried to put behind me from that situation were boiling over once again. From that one simple question, I found myself reliving conversations, moments, and events that should not be relived (for many reasons, one of the first being for my sanity's sake). Try as I might, I could not shake the sorrow. It was deep, and it was real. And I openly wallowed in it. I delved into the memories and let them wash over me.

And all of this was from a simple, sweet "How are you doing with that?"

Apparently...not okay.

But here's the thing, people. I AM doing okay. I really am. Just like my response to my friend, I'm good 90% of the time. Which is a heck of a lot better than I would have replied 6 months ago. So why the sudden backslide?

Because, believe me when I say that I am beyond ready to move past this. I am SO ready.

So my struggle is this: If I honestly want to move on from something...if I know it's time, if I know I need to...why can't I do it? Why does one simple question asked by someone who cares about my progress proceed to make me backtrack through all of the pain and emotional trauma I have worked daily to put aside?

I literally don't get it. And I'm beyond frustrated. It makes me feel like an adolescent once again; like I'm creating drama out of situations that don't even exist any longer. Like I'm desperately grasping for any remnant of the memory so I won't ever lose it completely.

Except...I want to move on. I want to let go. I want to be able to look back and only see the lesson learned--instead of also seeing every single detail of everything I so badly need to forget.

I don't have a solution. I don't have some revelation from a sermon or Bible verse. This is something I am seriously struggling with, and I'm so tired of it. But apparently, being weary of a struggle doesn't magically make it disappear. Wishing you were past the pain doesn't make it so.

So what does?

I'm waiting for an answer.