SEPTEMBER 2018
My health may be better preserved if I exert myself less,
but in the end doesn't each person give his life for his calling?
-Clara Weick Schumann
If this quote doesn't sum up my entire existence, I don't know what will.
The past month has been a conglomeration of overwhelming stress, exciting creativity and many days with nothing to show for them.
But I'm quickly learning that the mundane can be exactly what I need sometimes, especially when so much of my life is anything but ordinary.
Song #1: Heavy, Birdtalker
If you're lost and lonely
Go and figure out why
Take a trip to your dark side
Go on and have a good cry
Cause we're all lonely
Yeah, we're all lonely
Together
Leave what's heavy,
What's heavy behind
Leave what's heavy,
What's heavy behind
If your face is down
Take a look around
Do your fingers move
Do your lungs inflate
Are you tired, are you weary of the hidden hate
You've been holding, yeah
Did you lose that love
Or have you never had it
Are you feeling sad
Cause you did a bad thing
Are you feeling fearful, brother
Are you feeling fearful, sister
The only way to lose
That fearful feeling
Replace it with love that's healing
Leave what's heavy,
What's heavy behind.
***
We share our stories for the bond of understanding that is established between us through the telling...the more we share our stories, the closer we all become.
-Robert Atkinson
So you remember how I said that something really cool happened in my last blog post? But it happened in September, so I wanted to wait? Well, now I'm going to share it.
When I began working at Bryan back in August, I found out that all new faculty have to go through a Mentoring at Bryan class in their first semester.
To be honest, my initial thoughts were not too positive. I went to Bryan, I have had many mentors. It always just sort of happened, it wasn't a big formal thing. The relationship happened in its own time without forcing anything.
So why did I need to go through an entire class on how to be a mentor to students? I think I have a pretty good idea of what that looks like.
One night, during the first 2 weeks of September, I had to have a conversation with one of my students about something that had occurred during rehearsal.
I sat down with them, and within minutes they were sobbing.
(Clarification: this had nothing to do with what I said...there were other reasons for the emotion bursting out of nowhere).
I fumbled through the steps of trying to comfort and build them up.
A little while later, another student came in and said, "Can I talk to you?" They walked over, sat down in the chair across from my desk, and promptly burst into tears.
Within the next couple of days, I had FOUR students come into my office without provocation and pour out their struggles/emotions/feelings to me. The reasons were all across the board, and obviously I'm not going to share those details.
But to have these students look at me, tears streaming down their face, and genuinely ask, "What should I do? Can you help me?" made my heart break...and also caused me to feel completely inadequate.
Who am I to be any sort of guide for them?
How can what I have to say possibly be helpful or relevant or actually meaningful?
I immediately felt way out of my league.
And then I thought about the mentoring class....and smiled to myself, because I realized in that moment how incredibly foolish I had been.
Perhaps this class is going to be more helpful to me than I ever could have imagined.
I've always said I wanted to be that cool college professor that students were impacted by and remember for years after they've graduated, to be someone who truly influenced them for the better. And boy, is God placing those opportunities in my lap or what?
Quite a responsibility. But I think I'm up for the challenge.
I ended up asking a couple of my students why they felt that I was someone they could come to with personal problems and issues. Not because I wanted to be puffed up with compliments, but because I was genuinely perplexed. What is it that makes them feel they can confide in me?
One student said,
"I don't think it's the age difference between you and us. I think it's because you're not afraid to be you around us. You just exude this atmosphere of trust. You're open and honest and yourself, and that's why we all open up to you so quickly."
Another one added to that, saying,
"I think it's because you get it. Like, you literally understand what it feels like to be a Bryan student. You went through everything we're struggling with. We know you will understand."
These comments simply confirmed what I've been smacked in the face with time and time again over the past year....the fact that my story--the hurts, struggles, feelings of failure and pain and heartache--can actually be used to help other people around me.
The valleys I climbed out of can be turned into stories of victory to encourage, build up and strengthen someone else.
God is so good, you guys.
I don't have to be afraid to display what I've been through.
Cause it might just be exactly what someone else needs to hear.
I can be a mentor and a guide, because I've been where they are.
And my life is a living testimony to the incomparable grace that God has poured over me every step of the way.
I'm so very, very thankful to have the opportunity to share that with others.
Song #2: Maybe IDK, Jon Bellion
I wonder why I get paranoid when I'm high
I wonder why I say yes to everyone in my life
I wonder why I can't run that fast in my dreams
I wonder why I feel short when I know my money's tall
I wonder why I miss everyone and I still don't call
I wonder why I can't run that fast in my dreams
Although I guess if I knew tomorrow
I guess I wouldn't need faith
I guess if I never fell
I guess I wouldn't need grace
I guess if I knew His plans
I guess He wouldn't be God
So maybe I don't know
Maybe I don't know
Maybe I don't know
Maybe I don't know...
But maybe that's ok
I wonder why I feel emptiness and I sing these blues
I wonder why I feel hopelessness when I watch the news
I wonder why I can't find my voice in my dreams
I wonder why they say hate your bother and hide your gold
I wonder why we all fear the things that we might not know
I wonder why I can't find my voice in my dreams
All this shit, I can't explain
Is it by design or random fate, yeah
So maybe I don't know
Maybe I don't know
Maybe I don't know
Maybe I don't know...
But maybe that's ok
***
Friends are important when you are pouring out yourself to so many people.
-My Mom
Oh man. Here's the flip side to everything I just wrote. Being there for students is truly wonderful and fulfilling....but then I go home at the end of a day, when I've constantly been listening and trying to lift burdens from these kids who are so broken and hurting...
And I come home to an empty apartment, with no one I can talk to about my own burdens.
I don't mean this in a "I'm lonely and want a man" sort of way.
I just mean that where I'm at in my life, I have very few people around me that I can rely on to listen and be there for me in my frustrations, disappointments and setbacks.
When I have a rough class or a particularly discouraging rehearsal, I don't have anyone to vent to about it. I have to deal with it on my own.
I'm not asking for pity, either. It's just the way life is at the moment. And that's ok.
Except it's beginning to weigh down on me. And I'm not sure how to counteract that.
But the statement my mother made really stuck with me. And so I've been trying to make myself take time away from class prep and show to-do lists to just....be with people.
The friends that I do have around here are wonderful people, and I'm forcing myself to remember that it's ok to choose people over my planner sometimes.
What a sad statement that is. Type A persons for the win, am I right?
Song #3: Head Above Water, Avril Lavigne
I've gotta keep the calm before the storm
I don't want less, I don't want more
Must bar the windows, bar the doors
To keep me safe, to keep me warm
Yeah my life is what I'm fighting for
Can't part the sea, can't reach the shore
And my voice becomes the driving force
I won't let this pull me overboard
God, keep my head above water
Don't let me drown, it gets harder
I'll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees
Don't let me drown, drown, drown
Don't let me, don't let me drown
So pull me up from down below
Cause I'm underneath the undertow
Come dry me off and hold me close
I need you now, I need you most
I can't see in the stormy weather
I can't seem to keep it all together
And I, I can't swim in the ocean like this forever
And I can't breathe
God, keep my head above water
I lose my breath at the bottom
Come rescue me, I"ll be waiting
I'm too young to fall asleep
***
Finish each day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in;
Forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day.
You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit
to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
There's been some really great memories from September 2018 as well.
I got to be a judge for the Freshman Talent Show at Bryan.
We dealt with bats flying through our rehearsals for The Matchmaker on a few different occasions.
I had some very dear friends come through to visit and I was able to catch up with them.
I've been able to watch The Matchmaker begin to come together in a beautiful way, and I've been able to wrap my mind around this crazy new job that I have.
It's slowly beginning to make sense, one day at a time.
2018 is getting closer and closer to being finished.
And it's so cool to look back with each passing month and see what a beautiful tapestry this year has ended up creating.
