Singled Out.

While browsing Christian blogs, I stumbled across a post by John Acuff titled "Surviving Church as a Single." In his post, Jon designed a "The Surviving Church as a Single Scorecard." He listed 40 different scenarios a Christian single might encounter in church. The goal was to add up the points based on your personal experiences. Here's just a few that jumped out at me.

1. Your church doesn't have a singles ministry. +1 point

2. Your church has a singles ministry but it's combined with the college ministry which creates opportunities for conversations like this:

Student: "My roommate bought a microwave for our dorm room. I love being a Freshman!"

Single: "My 401K is underperforming." = +2 points

3. Your best friend of 15 years gets married and then suddenly acts like a magical gap has opened up between you and decides that until you get married too you can't be close again because you just don't understand each other anymore. = +3 points

4. Someone pays you the world's most backhanded compliment, "I just don't understand how someone as great as you isn't married yet." = +1 point

5. You've ever said the rhyme, "I'm a bachelor till the rapture." -1 point

Now, enough funny business.

***

Okay.

So, I'm single. Meaning I'm not married. I'm 24, a college graduate, and I'm not married.

And I couldn't be happier to be in my current situation.

However, it seems I am comfortable in my mid-20s single status anywhere I go....

Except church.

Now, I love my church. But after observation, talking with my peers and looking at the situation in many churches (not just my own), I am discovering that this problem is far-reaching and deeply affecting singles everywhere.

Let's be honest: The single Christian just doesn't have a place in today's church.

***

I've been researching what other people have to say about this issue. I found some pretty interesting stuff.

Sarah Thebarge says,

"There are more resources to support marriage and family than singles.

I went to a church...and several singles tried to get a singles group started. At first they were told no, because, 'as everyone knows, single groups are just meat markets.' Then they were told that 'the church doesn't need a singles ministry because no one would come -- no one actually wants to be single.'"

I have found this to be true in my own experience. Most churches have couple Sunday school classes, Bible studies for married women, a men's group that focuses on marriage issues, a marriage mentoring network, etc. 

I've not seen many churches that offer the same amount of opportunities for singles. 

Why is that?

Is it simply that most churches assume a single Christian is just a year or two away from reaching the ultimate goal of marriage? 

Do they generalize the fact that most young adults are happily married by their late 20s and as such, can just "make do" until their soulmate comes along? 

Sarah's church stated that "no one actually wants to be single." But where does that leave those men and women who don't see marriage in their near future, who aren't sure they will ever marry? 

Are they destined to work in children's ministry or the nursery for the rest of their life? 

Or maybe they can be the token single member of the women's bible study, quietly sitting in the corner while all of the married wives share housekeeping stories and laugh about their husbands' antics. 

Maybe they can be that guy who tries his best to contribute to the men's group, but comes up short when the topic always seems to center around loving your spouse.

This is a serious oversight, church. 

Dennis Franck, the national director of singles ministries for the Assembly of God denomination, said,

"The vast majority of evangelical and Pentecostal churches of any denomination are 'marriage and family focused.' That in itself is not a bad posture. Most Christian leaders understand the importance of marriage and the church's role in strengthening the family unit. The unfortunate reality, however, is that our marriage and family emphasis many times does not include single adults. This is not necessarily by design but is often by ignorance and neglect."

Today, I was talking to a friend about this very subject, and she pointed out that the church places an enormous emphasis on youth ministry. We are constantly working to make sure that our teenagers are in church, in the Word, and thriving in an active group of Christian brothers and sisters. Don't get me wrong, I agree that this is very important. But when these teenagers turn 18, leave for college, and then come back 4 years later...what is waiting for them? 

Well, when I graduated and moved back home, I had two options.

1) I could visit the college & career class.

(...Which, to be honest, didn't have any "career" members and only reminded me of everything I had just left behind. This is nothing against the teachers or the other people involved. But I wasn't a college student anymore.)

2) I could get married and choose between basically every other Sunday school class available. 

(...You see my dilemma.)

When you are a teenager, most of the time you're attending church or youth group because your family is involved. You are in church because your parents are in church. 

But when you become a college student and beyond, YOU are in charge and must decide what your level of involvement will be. 

You make the effort. 

You make the decision. 

But once you get up and make your faith your own, once you set foot in a church and look around for others like you...there's no one there. 

And to be frank? 

It's the loneliest place you could ever be. 

This is my struggle, folks. I adore my home church, but it is sorely lacking in this area. Tonight we had an hour long prayer service. During this time, a representative from each facet of ministry stood before us and explained how we could pray for their specific group. There was a time of prayer

for children,

for youth,

for men,

for women,

for senior adults,

for sunday school, and

for music,

.........but not once was a singles or college ministry mentioned, brought up or prayed over. And I don't believe it was a mistake. I believe that it was honestly not a priority. It's not on the radar and is not perceived as a necessity.

But, oh, fellow Christians, it is most definitely a necessity.

Tonight I looked around and realized that besides me, there are 2, maybe 3 other singles who are out of college and in the real world. 

It's not enough to classify us as a small group. 

Hey, it's probably not even enough to be a...group. 

But we still have needs. 

We are still isolated.

We are still lonely.

We are still searching for a place in the church; a place that embraces where we are in life and celebrates our current situation rather than pushing us towards the status quo of marriage.

We are still waiting for someone to create a branch of fellowship that makes us feel needed, loved and an active part of the body.

I've thought long and hard about this, and I don't have all the answers. 

But I'm tired of being "singled out" of the church. 

What are we going to do to fix this, believers? 

*insert clever title for insomnia inspired paragraph*

This is hardly a blog post. In fact, I've been lying in bed for awhile, trying to fall asleep.

It's more of a blurb, a thought bubble.

Tonight I had an email waiting for me from my future theatre professor at Louisiana Tech. She was excitedly talking about the "welcome new graduate students" barbecue meet and greet that would be held 2 days before classes start, on Labor Day. She also explained that new students would be meeting with her that day to be advised on classes and get all of the remaining information they needed before the quarter began.

I immediately panicked, because due to an out of town wedding in which I am participating, I will not arrive on campus until Tuesday sometime...which means I miss the barbecue, I miss meeting everyone, and I miss the advising session. It means I will be the last one to arrive, the last one to know things, and the last one to meet people.

It's me, so I'm freaking out on the inside. I hurriedly replied to my professor, but I'm still waiting for reply. I honestly don't know what to do about the situation. It's not how I wanted this next season of my life to begin; out of sorts, confused and alone.

So I tried to clear my head, push it out of mind and go to sleep. But this phrase from a song we sang in church this morning was blaring through my being, repeating over and over and over and over and over and over and over. At first I thought it was just because I had heard it a few hours earlier. But suddenly the words repeated, ringing somehow louder in my mind.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow

Because He lives, every fear is gone

I know He holds my life, my future in His hands.

I don't think that's a coincidence. Do you?

Even if I show up to Tech with absolutely no idea about anything, I don't need to fear.
Even if everyone else has made friends and I'm late to the bonding party, I can face tomorrow.
Even if it seems like nothing is going my way, He holds my life.

Maybe now I can sleep.