Resolutions; The Mini Edition.

At this very moment I'm sitting in the Keck family's kitchen. I'm sitting in the corner, watching Kim and Steve Keck cook chicken fajitas while Pandora plays in the background. They're catching one another up on their day, and I'm enjoying observing their life together.

Today has been a different New Years Eve for me. I'm not with the people I'm normally around this time of year, and I'm in a different place. But emotionally, I'm having the exact same reaction. Every year on New Year's Eve, I get super melancholy because a year is ending, so much has happened to reflect on, and the thought of going through another 365 days is exhausting. I don't want to say goodbye to 2015. I'm not ready to let go of everything that I went through.

But I have to. 2016 has so much possibility, and it's time to start looking forward. Even if the thought of what might happen terrifies me. So, here's my New Year's Resolutions.

#1. Listen.
 For a music major and avid lover of all things music, I really don't spend that much time actually listening to it. But I'm bringing my record player to school and my vinyl collection. Instead of watching Netflix every chance I get, my resolution is to spend at least 30 minutes of my morning or evening listening to a record.

#2. Read.
I have adored books since I was a child, and I used to spend hours reading everything I could get my hands on. Being in school sort of makes that difficult, but once again I could limit my TV time and instead try to read a book or two.

#3. Journal.
I used to do that everyday without fail and have recently lost my motivation. However, I know that one day I will want to remember what happened in my life during this time and so I am determined to improve on this. I'll be glad I did.


There should be more, but this is all I can think of right now.

2016: Hello.

Dear 2015: Love, Me

A few days ago I was sitting in a hair salon, waiting on my hair dye to soak in. I started scrolling through Facebook (as I usually do) and came across a blog written by someone I went to college with, Garrett Lemons. 

(Garrett and I were at Bryan for a few years together, and he's really close with my best friend Emilie, but I never got to know him. Looking back, I wish I had. He seems pretty cool.)

Anyway, I saw that his last few blog posts were entitled "Letters to 2015," and I was intrigued. I began looking through each one and loved the concept behind the project. Garrett had written a letter--sometimes short, sometimes long--each day of December. The letters were always addressed to something that he needed to process from the year 2015. And 26 blog posts later, I had decided to try my hand at this writing prompt.

But...I didn't want to wait until December 2016. And I certainly didn't want to dig through my journal and social media activity from the last 12 months. (Timehop can't always help a girl out.) So I decided to make up my own variation of this idea. In this blog post are 15 things that I feel sum up my 2015; places, people, and mundane objects that had an impact on my life for the past year. I am attempting to write a short letter to each one...plus a letter to myself. Believe me, I need it.

***

Dear Chickfila,

I fought my entire teenage life to avoid working for you; all through high school and college I managed to remain outside of your chicken-taloned grasp. However, God has a sense of humor and only when I graduated college with two degrees did I end up behind your counter. What irony, huh? 

Thank you for teaching me about patience, perseverance and positive attitudes. 

Thank you for helping me understand humility to a painful level and how to be thankful for job security.

 I'll never forget the lessons, but to be honest, I'd be okay if we never worked together again. No offense, seriously.

Dear 905 Teaberry Lane Apartment #7,

My first apartment. You were so wonderfully weird. The hallway outside of your door never smelled the same twice, and your peephole was off center (which drove OCD me crazy). Your parking sucked, and your inability to function without heat in a blizzard was disappointing.

Thank you for having terribly thin walls so I could hear the man next door reciting Indian chants while I took a shower, or so Emilie and I could listen to the man yelling at his fiancé on the phone at 4 am. 

Thank you for Coughing Guy and his not-so-subtle way of telling us it was time for bed...every night...at 10:30 pm. 

Thank you, Apartment #7, for helping me to becoming an independent and responsible woman. I still think of you often, and I believe I always will. You were my first...and you never forget your first.

Dear Clive,

I'm so thankful for you. Now that I live in Louisiana, I don't think I could make a 16 hour drive without you. It's taken some time, but you've become my faithful companion. The memories made inside your doors are far from exceptional, but we'll get there. 

Thank you for not holding a grudge against me after we first met. I know I was less than enthusiastic about you. You have to understand--Worf was my baby. He had been there for everyday of college. I fit 12 people in there one time. I went out on dates with my boyfriend in Worf. I took road trips with my best friends in Worf. He had all of those memories living inside of him. I saw you and I realized I'd have to start all over. It was overwhelming...but I'm over it now. 

Thank you, Clive, for helping me to make a fresh start. Let's rack up some miles, boy.

Dear Bryan College,

2015 was great--I got to see a lot of you, much more than I anticipated. And I was totally fine with that. I knew going into this year that my relationship with you was forever changing. My last few close friends were about to graduate, and with their departure would end my time as an alum that students would still recognize. At first I thought it would be terribly difficult, but as the months have gone by I have realized that it needs to be like this. You aren't the same place anymore, just as I am not the same person I was while with you. Maybe someday I'll fulfill my dream of teaching for you, but until then our relationship has to change.

 Thank you, Bryan, for still being my home away from home. You changed my life forever, and I'm eternally grateful.

Dear Boy Who Broke My Heart,

2015 was when you got engaged. I knew it was coming, thankfully, and had been trying to prepare myself for it. But when the day arrived, I was a wreck inside. Don't get me wrong, I'm over everything that happened between us. It's been 2 years. But there's just something about knowing that a person you loved, a person you were intimate with, is pledging their life and love to someone other than you. Even if you don't want it anymore. 

Thank you for forcing me to let you go. It was a long time in coming, and although it hurt deeply, I needed that final push. You seem truly content now, and if happy is her...I'm happy for you. 

Dear Emilie,

This letter could be pages long and still not encompass everything we went through in 2015. So I'll just say this. We lived together again, and not a day goes by that I don't wish we still did. Despite the terrible job experiences we both seemed to have on a daily basis, knowing that at the end of the day we would be in our apartment, living life, made everything okay. I'm so grateful for the time we had.

Thank you for proving my hunch that we're perfect roommates, even outside of a dorm room.

Thank you for putting up with my horrendous Diet Coke addiction.

Thank you for Netflix binges.

Thank you for Chili's dates.

Thank you for living everyday life with me for so much of 2015. I love you.

Dear Justin,

2015 was a weird year for us. We were as close as ever, but you were struggling with so many things and I couldn't be there for you like I wanted to. You told me everything, and yet I had nothing to say. Things were happening that I had prayed for for years, but I was terrified of what came next. You were fumbling and drowning and I couldn't save you. Oh how I wanted to. But God is so incredibly faithful, and He has transformed you into a man that I am so proud of and love even more. 

Thank you for being the vessel that God used to show me prayer is powerful.

Thank you for always trusting me with the burdens and trials of your life.

Thank you for holding my hand when we walk together, even though people stare.

Thank you for having such a patched history with me. Our friendship story is complicated and full of rips and tears, but when you hold it up to the light of grace, it is a gorgeous tapestry of new beginnings and a deep brotherly love. I adore you.

Dear Josiah and Karen,

You two were such a huge part of 2015 for me. It seemed as though every other weekend you guys were at our apartment, cooking breakfast for dinner and watching Criminal Minds, complaining about DW and wishing you didn't have to go back to school. Emilie and I loved having you stay with us. I wish, more than anything, that we could have another weekend just like that. You made us feel special and wanted, and that our friendships were valuable to you.

Thank you for asking me to be in your wedding. It's still one of the biggest honors of my life.

Thank you, Josey, for having me play in your senior recital. It meant so much to me.

Thank you, Karen, for being my pen pal. I absolutely live for your letters and smile the entire time I read them.

Thank you for continuing to love me, even from afar. You are both tried and true friends.

Dear SETC,

You terrified me. To be honest, you still do. I can honestly say that going to see you in March was one of the top 3 most stressful days of 2015 for me. I had no idea what to expect, and I was convinced that no one would want me. Theatre was a pipe dream: I was going to spend the rest of my life working at Chickfila.

Thank you for proving me so, so, so wrong. 

Thank you for overwhelming me with positive feedback.

Thank you for pointing me towards Louisiana Tech.

Thank you for giving me a chance to see that my dreams aren't impossible.

Dear #threeburritos,

I can't even remember how that hashtag was created...but oh, how I love it. You two are literally some of my most favorite people on earth. I never laugh harder than when I'm with you, and yet I know I can cry with you if I need to. Easter 2015 was one of the best weekends of my entire year. You made the drive 1000 times easier, you made the annual dinner with Jesus 1000 times funnier, and you made taking Easter pictures 1000 times more photogenic. Having friends like you changed my life forever.

Thank you for food being one of the foundational pillars of our friendship.

Thank you for car trips that include soul-baring secrets and tear-streaming laughter.

Thank you for seeing my family in their natural habitat and still loving all of us.

Thank you for our obsession with Goodwill.

Thank you for being my burritos. I don't know what I would do without you.

Dear Donald Miller and Philip Yancey,

Your books got me through 2015. I was determined to read more, and I'm so glad I did. Yancey, your book "The Jesus I Never Knew" forever changed my perspective of Christ and the man He was. Miller, your book "Searching For God Knows What" gave me serious food for thought while adjusting to life in my parent's house once again. 

Thank you for stretching my mind and challenging my heart to think more deeply.

Thank you for giving me lots of quotes to write in my quote journal.

Thank you for being amazing writers. You inspire me.

Dear Louisiana Tech.

You want the brutal truth? I arrived on campus on day one and immediately wanted to leave. You weren't what I was expecting or what I wanted. But I've since realized you're what I need. Even if I find myself still fighting you at times.

Thank you for growing me in ways I didn't think I could.

Thank you for giving me professors that can help me to improve as an artist and to finally figure out my dreams.

Thank you for teaching me how to survive insanely far from everyone I love.

Thank you for forcing me to be brave, independent, self-relying and strong.

Thank you for making me explore my introvert tendencies. 

Thank you for giving me a kick in the butt to grow up and get over it, cause this is life and it's hard.

Dear Funny Girl soundtrack,

I don't know why I'd never listened to you before, but I found you on Spotify and never looked back. Fanny Brice is such an inspiration to me (aside from her whole marriage to a gambler thing) and it is still my dream to play her on stage one day.

Thank you for allowing me to butcher you in the car on road trips.

Thank you for never judging my total lack of lung capacity on the last note of "My Man."

Thank you for letting me pretend to be as good as Barbara Streisand. I appreciate the sympathy.

Dear The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Fringe, Pretty Little Liars, OUAT, Grey's Anatomy, Scandal, 30 Rock and countless other shows,

I have to admit...including you as an important part of my year is a little embarrassing. But I can't deny it; we spent a LOT of time together in 2015. Emilie made me start watching Grey's, The Bachelorette and Fringe, and then my life as I knew it ceased to exist. Netflix and Hulu have been the death of my productivity.

Thank you for giving Emilie and I so many hours of nail-biting suspense.

Thank you, OUAT, for being the first TV show that Emilie and I started together, at the same time. It's kind of a big deal for us.

Thank you, The Bachelor, for allowing me to make so much fun of you. (I have to mock you because I can't really admit that I like you. You understand, right?)

Thank you for always being there. I can always count on you for one more episode.

Dear Alexis,

Well. You did it. You've made it through another year. And this one's been kind of a doozy. Living in Knoxville was such a great decision, even if literally nothing worked out like you planned. It taught you to be independent and self-sufficient. These are things you wanted to be but hadn't yet taken the plunge. I'm proud of you. You earned your own living and paid your own bills. That's a big deal.

You also learned how to let go of a lot of things this year. Things that you should have let go of a long time ago. Be thankful for the friends in your life, Lex. They are amazing people that have proven time and time again that they'll never leave you, even if they're not with you. It's a beautiful conundrum; don't waste time wishing things were different. Things are wonderful exactly as they are.

Then grad school happened...and your world was once again shaken. I know Tech can be a bit overwhelming at times. I know you're often frustrated and lonely. But you're growing so much here. I mean, you're in your mid-20s now. You don't need another college experience. You had one and it was perfect. Take this experience for what it is and run with it. Focus on finding your dream, your long-term career goal and do what you must to make it happen. Grad school is for accomplishing your goals. Do it. Don't look back.

With regards to relationships, I'm pretty proud of where you are right now. You don't really give a crap about boys and romance and happily ever after. Some people might say this isn't the healthiest approach, but I think you're doing just fine. You know what you want to do in life, and another person is just going to slow you down. Don't completely give up on the idea, but there's more than enough time for that. Live your life. YOUR life. They can wait. You have things to do.

Lex, I know you hate change. And 2015 has had so much. Maybe you haven't always handled it in the best way (let's not forget that time you cried for 2 hours straight after finding out you had to move to Louisiana by yourself). But you got through it, which is all anybody can ask for. You have grown this year. You have been stretched this year. I couldn't be more proud of you.

I would say let's start looking towards 2016 and all that will happen...but I know you and that's not smart. 2015 has been exhausting and you need time to think (aka freak out) about the 365 new days coming up. 

Here's to 2015, Lex. You did good, kid. 

Confessions of an Overwhelmed Graduate Student.

So I've been at Louisiana Tech for a month now. 4 weeks into my masters program....

And you want the honest truth? It's a love/hate relationship.

When I first arrived on campus, I immediately wanted to go home. I felt isolated, lonely and completely out of my element. At the risk of sounding cliche, I couldn't feel God on this campus, and that was something I definitely was not used to. As much as I didn't want to, I kept comparing it to Bryan College and all I found was disappointment and loneliness. My dorm room was horrendous, our bathroom was dirty and gross, and my roommate snored so loud that I literally didn't sleep for a few days. Great way to start the new life adventure.

I went sobbing to my parents and begged them to just take me home. This wasn't what I wanted, it didn't feel right. My dad said if I could stick it out for one quarter (ten weeks), and if I still felt the same way, then he would help me pack up everything and I could come home. This seemed reasonable to me...until my parents drove away and left me standing outside my dorm.

This was uncharted territory for me. When my parents dropped me off for freshman year of college, they were crying buckets and I was just ready to start my life at Bryan. I didn't cry at all. But now? Well, they turned the street corner, drove off and I realized that they were now 16 hours away from me. If I needed a weekend at home and just needed to get off campus....that wasn't a possibility anymore. Everyone was just too far away. And so I cried. A lot.

As the days went on, things slowly got a little better. I managed to move into an on campus apartment where I have a room by myself and can actually sleep. I've gotten to know the people in my class and my professors a little more and I'm gradually finding my place in the department. I don't think I'll be going home in 6 weeks.

But it's still so incredibly hard for me here.

Because of the program I'm in, the theatre department is my life. However, there are no Christians in the theatre department (that I know of). Due to rehearsals every night, I am unable to participate in any of the on campus Bible studies or Christian ministry groups that meet on a weekly basis. I've tried to meet some of the people other times, but it just isn't working. I have no way to meet Christian friends because I have no free time outside of the theatre.

After 2 weeks of being here, I discovered that one of the girls in my graduate class is a lesbian. In fact, her girlfriend is coming next weekend to visit.

A few weeks later, I found out that my director and one of my main professors is also a lesbian.

My professors curse constantly in class. Honestly. I don't know if I'll ever get used to hearing the F bomb dropped every other sentence in a lecture. Or "shit head" as a term of endearment.

I was sitting in the cafeteria with a bunch of theatre people, and they were literally going around talking about the first time they smoked marijuana.

We have rehearsals on Sunday afternoons as well, and so it's basically impossible to view Sunday as a day of rest anymore.

My professor has figured out that my parents are in church ministry and that I went to a Christian school for undergrad, and she throws that in my face whenever I say or do anything that's slightly sassy. I don't think she means it to be cruel, but I don't appreciate hearing "I guess that Christian education didn't do very much good, did it?"


So, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Grad school is teaching me so much about theatre. I've already grown leaps and bounds in the few weeks I've been here. But emotionally, spiritually, and socially? I'm struggling big time. This isn't what I expected. I'm trying to adjust and to view the positives. But it's very difficult.

And I have a feeling it's only going to get harder.

Singled Out.

While browsing Christian blogs, I stumbled across a post by John Acuff titled "Surviving Church as a Single." In his post, Jon designed a "The Surviving Church as a Single Scorecard." He listed 40 different scenarios a Christian single might encounter in church. The goal was to add up the points based on your personal experiences. Here's just a few that jumped out at me.

1. Your church doesn't have a singles ministry. +1 point

2. Your church has a singles ministry but it's combined with the college ministry which creates opportunities for conversations like this:

Student: "My roommate bought a microwave for our dorm room. I love being a Freshman!"

Single: "My 401K is underperforming." = +2 points

3. Your best friend of 15 years gets married and then suddenly acts like a magical gap has opened up between you and decides that until you get married too you can't be close again because you just don't understand each other anymore. = +3 points

4. Someone pays you the world's most backhanded compliment, "I just don't understand how someone as great as you isn't married yet." = +1 point

5. You've ever said the rhyme, "I'm a bachelor till the rapture." -1 point

Now, enough funny business.

***

Okay.

So, I'm single. Meaning I'm not married. I'm 24, a college graduate, and I'm not married.

And I couldn't be happier to be in my current situation.

However, it seems I am comfortable in my mid-20s single status anywhere I go....

Except church.

Now, I love my church. But after observation, talking with my peers and looking at the situation in many churches (not just my own), I am discovering that this problem is far-reaching and deeply affecting singles everywhere.

Let's be honest: The single Christian just doesn't have a place in today's church.

***

I've been researching what other people have to say about this issue. I found some pretty interesting stuff.

Sarah Thebarge says,

"There are more resources to support marriage and family than singles.

I went to a church...and several singles tried to get a singles group started. At first they were told no, because, 'as everyone knows, single groups are just meat markets.' Then they were told that 'the church doesn't need a singles ministry because no one would come -- no one actually wants to be single.'"

I have found this to be true in my own experience. Most churches have couple Sunday school classes, Bible studies for married women, a men's group that focuses on marriage issues, a marriage mentoring network, etc. 

I've not seen many churches that offer the same amount of opportunities for singles. 

Why is that?

Is it simply that most churches assume a single Christian is just a year or two away from reaching the ultimate goal of marriage? 

Do they generalize the fact that most young adults are happily married by their late 20s and as such, can just "make do" until their soulmate comes along? 

Sarah's church stated that "no one actually wants to be single." But where does that leave those men and women who don't see marriage in their near future, who aren't sure they will ever marry? 

Are they destined to work in children's ministry or the nursery for the rest of their life? 

Or maybe they can be the token single member of the women's bible study, quietly sitting in the corner while all of the married wives share housekeeping stories and laugh about their husbands' antics. 

Maybe they can be that guy who tries his best to contribute to the men's group, but comes up short when the topic always seems to center around loving your spouse.

This is a serious oversight, church. 

Dennis Franck, the national director of singles ministries for the Assembly of God denomination, said,

"The vast majority of evangelical and Pentecostal churches of any denomination are 'marriage and family focused.' That in itself is not a bad posture. Most Christian leaders understand the importance of marriage and the church's role in strengthening the family unit. The unfortunate reality, however, is that our marriage and family emphasis many times does not include single adults. This is not necessarily by design but is often by ignorance and neglect."

Today, I was talking to a friend about this very subject, and she pointed out that the church places an enormous emphasis on youth ministry. We are constantly working to make sure that our teenagers are in church, in the Word, and thriving in an active group of Christian brothers and sisters. Don't get me wrong, I agree that this is very important. But when these teenagers turn 18, leave for college, and then come back 4 years later...what is waiting for them? 

Well, when I graduated and moved back home, I had two options.

1) I could visit the college & career class.

(...Which, to be honest, didn't have any "career" members and only reminded me of everything I had just left behind. This is nothing against the teachers or the other people involved. But I wasn't a college student anymore.)

2) I could get married and choose between basically every other Sunday school class available. 

(...You see my dilemma.)

When you are a teenager, most of the time you're attending church or youth group because your family is involved. You are in church because your parents are in church. 

But when you become a college student and beyond, YOU are in charge and must decide what your level of involvement will be. 

You make the effort. 

You make the decision. 

But once you get up and make your faith your own, once you set foot in a church and look around for others like you...there's no one there. 

And to be frank? 

It's the loneliest place you could ever be. 

This is my struggle, folks. I adore my home church, but it is sorely lacking in this area. Tonight we had an hour long prayer service. During this time, a representative from each facet of ministry stood before us and explained how we could pray for their specific group. There was a time of prayer

for children,

for youth,

for men,

for women,

for senior adults,

for sunday school, and

for music,

.........but not once was a singles or college ministry mentioned, brought up or prayed over. And I don't believe it was a mistake. I believe that it was honestly not a priority. It's not on the radar and is not perceived as a necessity.

But, oh, fellow Christians, it is most definitely a necessity.

Tonight I looked around and realized that besides me, there are 2, maybe 3 other singles who are out of college and in the real world. 

It's not enough to classify us as a small group. 

Hey, it's probably not even enough to be a...group. 

But we still have needs. 

We are still isolated.

We are still lonely.

We are still searching for a place in the church; a place that embraces where we are in life and celebrates our current situation rather than pushing us towards the status quo of marriage.

We are still waiting for someone to create a branch of fellowship that makes us feel needed, loved and an active part of the body.

I've thought long and hard about this, and I don't have all the answers. 

But I'm tired of being "singled out" of the church. 

What are we going to do to fix this, believers? 

*insert clever title for insomnia inspired paragraph*

This is hardly a blog post. In fact, I've been lying in bed for awhile, trying to fall asleep.

It's more of a blurb, a thought bubble.

Tonight I had an email waiting for me from my future theatre professor at Louisiana Tech. She was excitedly talking about the "welcome new graduate students" barbecue meet and greet that would be held 2 days before classes start, on Labor Day. She also explained that new students would be meeting with her that day to be advised on classes and get all of the remaining information they needed before the quarter began.

I immediately panicked, because due to an out of town wedding in which I am participating, I will not arrive on campus until Tuesday sometime...which means I miss the barbecue, I miss meeting everyone, and I miss the advising session. It means I will be the last one to arrive, the last one to know things, and the last one to meet people.

It's me, so I'm freaking out on the inside. I hurriedly replied to my professor, but I'm still waiting for reply. I honestly don't know what to do about the situation. It's not how I wanted this next season of my life to begin; out of sorts, confused and alone.

So I tried to clear my head, push it out of mind and go to sleep. But this phrase from a song we sang in church this morning was blaring through my being, repeating over and over and over and over and over and over and over. At first I thought it was just because I had heard it a few hours earlier. But suddenly the words repeated, ringing somehow louder in my mind.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow

Because He lives, every fear is gone

I know He holds my life, my future in His hands.

I don't think that's a coincidence. Do you?

Even if I show up to Tech with absolutely no idea about anything, I don't need to fear.
Even if everyone else has made friends and I'm late to the bonding party, I can face tomorrow.
Even if it seems like nothing is going my way, He holds my life.

Maybe now I can sleep.

A Letter to Liberty.

Yesterday evening, I was sitting on a couch in the lobby of our church building. Attempting to spend my free hour reading and writing, I read a paragraph before this preteen girl came walking up to me. She chose to ignore my not-so-subtle wish for solitude, instead plopping down next to me and chattering away. As the mostly one-sided conversation continued (I'll give you one guess as to who was doing all the talking), she asked how long I had been attending Liberty Baptist.

"My family's been here for 17 years this fall," I replied.
Her eyes nearly popped out of her head. (She was a tad dramatic, but I'm not one to judge that...)
"Seventeen years are you KIDDING me?!?!?!"
"......No."
"That's such a long time! That's, like, your whole life!"

And while in the moment, that conversation was an inconvenience, it made me think. It's very true; seventeen years is a long time. So I began to look back on those years, and all I could find was beautiful memories and gratitude for the people who created them.

A bit of background:

My family moved here when I was seven years old. South Dakota was all I'd ever known, and moving across the country absolutely terrified me. I was leaving my school, my friends, my house, my church, and at the age of seven, that was my entire world.

Upon arriving in Appomattox, Virginia, I found myself immersed in a different climate, a different culture and a completely different life. There were church members waiting to help us move into our house. We had church members bringing food for an army. There were even children of church members waiting to be my friends. It felt too good to be true.

Seventeen years later, I can tell you that it was true, and is to this day. For the three of us, hundreds of miles away from any extended family, these people were our family. They still are.

A lot of things have changed over the years, as to be expected. Pastors leave, new ones arrive. People come and go, leaders shift around. But every time I walk through those doors, I feel as though I'm coming home again. And that is something I believe will never change, no matter where I may go in life.

While sitting in church yesterday morning, I was journaling, and what I wrote still rings true.
(Side Note: Sometimes I journal in letters. It makes my writing feel more personal.)



Dear Liberty,

Today I'm sitting in church, and I keep looking around and seeing things that I love so much, things that are so dear to my heart. My father leading his beloved choir, my pastor who leans over in his classic awkward way to say, "How long ya in for?" and simply remembering 17 years of Sundays spent in this wonderful place. I've never been able to find another church that even comes close to resembling this, and I doubt I ever will. This sanctuary is filled with people that have shaped me and changed my life forever. 
I look around and I see Doris Nash (or Momma D), my 5th grade Sunday School teacher. 
I see Geri Granato, who was such a huge part of my time in youth group. 
I see Rodney and Rhonda Kane, who are my best friend's parents and loved me as an honorary child over the years. 
I see Melissa Small, who helped me navigate through the drama of being a teenager and encouraged me to use my struggles as stepping stones to strength. 
I see Jim Smith, who made up a secret handshake with me as a child and still remembers it to this day.
I see Mary Hancock, our church secretary who always let me sit at her desk and never got upset at me for changing her computer background when she wasn't looking. 

And even watching Rusty preach, I am flooded with memories of all of our conversations over the years. How grateful I am for a youth leader that would let me pop into his office, just to talk about his new stack of Hebrew notecards, or my confusion over where heaven really is. Being a ministers' child, I think I was privileged to see a side of him--and the other staff--that many people didn't see on a regular basis. I sometimes forget how glad I am to have known Rusty Small like I have.

I'm currently reading a book by Donald Miller, called "Searching for God Knows What," and he says this:

"I believe now and will always believe that if we are willing to love people, God will pour out His resources to bless our lives and our efforts."

This statement is full of truth, and no church has exemplified this truth as you have. You have loved people in countless ways, and God truly has blessed Liberty because of your passion for loving others.

There are many, many new faces that I don't recognize, and I know that in just a few weeks I'll be off once again to another place. But while I'm here, I simply wanted to take the time to say thank you to a home church that truly is home. Thank you for shaping, growing and guiding me into the person that I am today. I can honestly say that there will never be another church like Liberty Baptist for me. This place has been my life...and the people within its walls have stolen my heart.

I love you all, forever.

A Broken Body.

Okay. When I woke up this morning, I had absolutely no intention of writing a blog post today. I especially had no intention of writing a blog post that in ANY way touches the topic of gay marriage. I have tried my very best to steer clear of the subject, because to be perfectly honest...I have not been sure how to answer the question, "So what do you think about it?"

Right now I'm chuckling to myself, because I know that one sentence--saying I'm not sure how to respond-- is probably going to have several people saying, "Oh good heavens, she supports gay marriage. Call her parents, start the intervention, the music minister's kid has lost her faith!"


That is not what I'm saying. Please, hear me out.

***

Today, my home church's youth pastor Matt spoke about the unity of love. He based his message on Philippians 2:1-4. I'm only going to put verses 1 and 2 here, because they're the focus of this post.

"Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from His love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose."

Matt went on to say that as Christians, we must love everyone in the body of Christ. Even if someone has hurt us, wronged us, abused us, deserted us...we are called to love other believers. We can say,

"But you don't know the whole story. If I told you what he did...
                     
                        If you only knew what she said about me...
                                                   
                                                You weren't here when it all happened..."

And to be honest, I've done that. There have been people in my life that have hurt me. Some of those people left my life many years ago, and there are still moments when I feel the anger, the betrayal, and the pain that they caused me. I've even used that exact excuse before. When someone tells me I sound bitter and unforgiving, I retort, "You just don't get it. If I told you all the gritty details and explained everything, you would totally understand." And maybe that's true. But that's not the point.

During his message, Matt gave 3 statements that reveal how God responds to our struggle to love each other.

God is above personality.

God is above history.

God is above emotions.

The more I think about those simple truths, the more convicted I become.

***
I've often heard people say that one day, we will be at the throne of God worshipping and praising Him, all the while surrounded by everyone that has hurt and wronged us, everyone we were estranged from in life...and it won't matter because everything will be forgiven, made new, and forgotten. But here's my question:

Why don't we strive for that now?

Yes, it's not fully attainable. We're sinful jerks and incomplete. We won't be complete until we reach eternity. But why do we not try harder to forgive, to let go, to forget and to love each other on this earth like we will in the new one? We keep to such a narrow-minded view of things, griping about the people we can't stand and the hurtful, stupid things they do. Sometimes we even say, "Well, at least I know one day we'll get over this in heaven. At least I know he'll speak to me in eternity." We continue to talk about what's to come, thinking that the reborn world will fix everything. And it will, of course it will...but why do we not even attempt to create a semblance of that within our churches, our communities, and our nation?

Matt said something else that really caught my attention. He was talking about how unity is a result of individual humility, and that means we should have the same love, share the same feelings, and focus on one goal as a church, as a body. Of course, the goal of Christians is to make disciples--to bring people to Jesus. The Great Commission clearly states that fact, and it's no secret that evangelism is a pillar of the Christian faith.

But when you look, really look at the life of Jesus--you see that before Jesus drew people to Him, He simply...loved them.

He looked through their flaws;
                                                                 Because He is above personality.

He gazed beyond their past;
                                                                 Because He is above history.

He did not dismiss their uncertainty or hesitation;
                                                                 Because He is above emotion.

To put it plainly, Jesus loved people so completely and through that overwhelming love, brought people to Himself. How do we take such a simple way of living and make such a complicated mess?

***

This is where things get sticky. I scroll through social media lately, and all I see is believers (followers of Jesus, sinners saved by His forgiveness and love) spewing disgust, shock and ridicule at other believers (also just as much sinners who have been redeemed) who in turn retaliate with anger, resentment and cruelty. Just last night I came across an intensely heated argument between people from my own church family, and my heart was broken by reading the defensive and relentless judgment thrust from brother to brother in Christ.

I'm going to say this, and it is harsh. I have no doubt that some people will be offended, but I am so convicted and burdened by what I have seen.

When the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage, the church was given an INCREDIBLE opportunity to show not only the homosexual community, but the entire nation how Christ loves them. We were handed a chance to completely change the way homosexuals view Christians.

And we failed miserably.

The portrait that Christians have painted of Jesus on Facebook over the last 10 days is grotesquely unrecognizable. It is an embarrassment and a source of shame to me, as I know it must be to many others who have tried their best to stay away from the line of fire. How can we even begin to love the world like Jesus, to function as a unified body with one love and one goal, when we can't even manage to love each other that way? It is heart wrenching.

Matt made one more statement that I want to include here. While talking about how the church finds unity, he said:

"It is not our beliefs, our worship practices, or our morality that binds us together. 

It is our condition of mind."

I wish I could shout over the computer screen to you, because I feel it is worth shouting. Our beliefs are not what binds us together as the body of Christ! It is our desire to be Jesus to those around us. It is our longing to bring others to a place where they can experience His grace and His love. Our beliefs don't hold us together. There will always be deviations. There will always be those who think differently from you on certain issues. That's just life. But the command of God to love people, to show His patience, his sacrificial kindness and his constant forgiveness should be the one thing in which all Christians can join together. It should be what Christians are known for.

With the legalization of gay marriage, believers are so caught up in hurling accusations at those they disagree with...when all we need to be doing is loving not only the homosexual community, but loving each other despite our differences of opinions. We complain about how corrupt America has become and how far we have strayed from our Christian heritage. We whine that the government is godless and that soon, we won't have a single trace of Christianity left in the USA. But can we honestly say that our response to events like this has been appropriate? Can we truthfully state that we are trying to turn people's gaze to Christ, or are we actually just drawing deeper battle lines and clawing across them, snatching back our conditional love from those who aren't like us?

I posted a quote from Philip Yancey on Facebook when the Court's decision was first announced, and I want to reiterate some of what he said. It is so perfectly applicable.

"Jesus honored the dignity of people, whether he agreed with them or not...The person was more important than any category or label. How easy it is to join the politics of polarization, to find myself shouting across the picket lines at the "enemy" on the other side....[but] Jesus' love cuts across lines...and dispenses grace. From Jesus I learn that, whatever activism I get involved in, it must not drive out love and humility, or otherwise I betray the kingdom of heaven."

If Jesus looks down at us and the way we are living on earth, He would see that we trample people's dignity, slap a label on their disposition, and point a glaring spotlight at their differences. How much sorrow we must bring to the heart of God. He gave us the perfect example of how to live, and instead we take the parts of that example that we want and throw them in the world's face, changing a message of hope, forgiveness and unfailing love to one of condemnation, judgement and humiliation.

I don't know what it will take for us to put aside our differences, our disagreements and our sinful stubbornness...but I believe that when we do,

That is when we will truly begin to change the world.

National Friendship Day.

Usually I'm not one to observe these daily holidays. I mean, normally they're pretty ridiculous. Hug Your Pet Day, Doughnut Day...most of them just seem like excuses to buy something and then post it on Instagram with the hashtag.

But National Best Friend Day? I am all about that. :)

I posted a picture earlier of my very best friend Morgan, because she's pretty much in her own class. :D But I'll post one again because, hey, I love her.

However, I am very thankful to say that I have many friends that would fall under a similar, yet different category. For me, someone who is a best friend makes that friendship a priority. Even when you don't live in the same area, even when you're no longer involved in each other's lives...you still make a conscious effort to stay connected, to stay up to date on things.

So this is a special shout out to those people who have made me feel that my friendship matters to them, even though we may not see each other very often or talk very regularly.

I realize the official name is National Best Friend Day, but I think National Friendship Day would be more appropriate. ;)

This post isn't going to be long or profound. It's simply my way of saying "Hey, I love you, I think you're swell, and thank you for being such a wonderful presence in my life."

And, of course, I'm not saying it in words. Just pictures. Love you all. :)

God Gave Me You.

Saturday is quickly approaching, and with it comes the graduation of many people I deeply love. You know, it's strange; I often find myself wondering what it is that draws one person to another. Is it similarities in passion, schedules that continually overlap, or simply the social circle one finds themselves in? Regardless of the reason, I can honestly say that the class of 2015 from my alma mater has radically changed my life.

I came back to Bryan for one last semester, and found that almost all of my friends were gone. With the exception of maybe 2 or 3, my entire class had graduated...and I was living on campus, in a room by myself, feeling utterly alone. No one here understood how I felt. No one here could relate to my situation. I wanted to be here, but I wanted to leave. I was uncomfortable, uneasy. Life was hard.

As the semester progressed, however, I realized what an enormous opportunity I'd been given. With my normal circle of friends no longer at school, I was now able to look around me and see friendships and potential in people I normally would never have considered. (I realize that probably makes me sound like a class A jerk, but I am loyal to a fault and struggle with change. It's something I'm still working on.) Anyway, slowly I began to find friends in the most surprising people. And as the weeks went by, these people loved me, encouraged me, welcomed me with open arms into their "group" and I realized that they were some of the best and most real friends I would ever have. Yes, it made leaving so much harder than I thought it would be; but their love, loyalty and consistency is still affecting my life even now. As the past year has progressed, things have obviously changed. Some of these people I don't speak to now. Time and distance has pushed a few of us apart. But God put these wonderful, amazing people in my life at a very specific time and for a very specific reason, and even if things didn't always end the way I expected, I will never cease being grateful for the impact they had on my life. So, to the class of 2015, here is my heart for you.

Stacie Steel, God gave me you for encouragement. Thank you for reminding me that there are always people to love, no matter how far away they may be. Thank you for helping me to revive my love for music when I thought I was sick of it. I will always think of you whenever I see someone turn a page at a piano or hear Gilbert and Sullivan. :)

Jonathan Creasy, God gave me you for listening. Thank you for being there when I needed someone to let me pour out my fears and anxieties without judgment or ridicule. Thank you for reminding me that people come into our lives for a reason, and that our friendship was one I'll never forget. I will always think of you whenever I see Rick Taphorn or anything related to Charlie Brown. :)

Megan Darr, God gave me you for consistency. Thank you for reminding me that loyal friends do exist, and when you find one, hold on for dear life. You are one of those friends to me, and I hope you know that I'm never letting you go. I will always think of you whenever I eat at...well, anywhere really, and whenever I drive by Hungry Mother State Park. :)

Drew Morrison, God gave me you for wisdom. Thank you for reminding me that we have the ability to learn from our mistakes, that nothing we experience is in vain, and that the good friends are the ones who will lick spark plugs for you. ;) I will always think of you whenever I see a pigeon and whenever I speak in all caps for whatever reason. :)

Josiah Blakney, God gave me you for the bad days. Thank you for reminding me that sometimes loyalty is the most important gift you can give someone. Thank you for literally never turning your back on me, even when it meant losing others in the process...and thank you for continuing to ask me to be a part of your everyday life.  I will always think of you whenever I see Grumpy Cat and whenever I'm beyond pissed about something. :)

Naomi Martin, God gave me you for my heart. You are my soul sister, the person who understands me like no one else ever could. Thank you for reminding me that friendships like ours are few and far between, and that miles or distance will never end the unwavering love we have for each other. I will always think of you whenever I hear someone say "Lexi" and whenever I play the piano. :)

Justin Jones, God gave me you for my fears. Thank you for reminding me that sometimes our anxieties and our worries are ridiculous, and that we just need to move on and let go. Thank you for loving me despite my many flaws and inconsistencies, and thank you for choosing to be mine, even when there were other people in the way. I will always think of you whenever I step on leaves, whenever I hold hands with another boy (Ha, good one) and whenever I step onto a stage for the first time again without you.

I thank God for giving me all of you when He did, and for teaching me what He taught me through each and every one of you. I hope and pray that God continues to shape, grow and mature you as you walk away from Bryan and enter the rest of your lives; that you will run after Him, search for your passions and use them to not only serve the Lord but to change the world in your own unique way.

Congratulations, you guys. You did it.

Those You've Known.

There's been a lot of things happening in my life recently; a lot of big changes, a lot of "lasts," and a lot of emotional overload.

I've honestly been trying to process all of the things I feel right now...fear of moving somewhere new where I don't know a single soul, the ache of living so far away from everyone I love, and being generally overwhelmed at the realization that yet another chapter of my life is coming to a close.

***

We are always saying goodbye to people, no matter what phase of life we may find ourselves in. It's one of those awful realities we have to face. But it never really gets any easier. Especially for me.

I'm the type of person that hates change, and the type of person that adores my friends. Put those two together, and you have someone who wants nothing more than all of her friends in her life...for always. When I left for college, I fully expected all of my friends from high school to still be around when I graduated. However, with the exception of maybe 4, they weren't. To look back on high school and think of the people I was closest to feels as though I'm looking at someone else's life. I see pictures of me with those people and I don't fully comprehend the intimacy I shared with them, the type of relationships we had. 

But here's the weirdest thing about it. As time went on, the feelings of "missing" and "we should really catch up sometime" passed...and I found myself content, complete without them in my life. I had them for a time, and then I moved into a new chapter of my story; their story went in a different direction. And it was finally ok.

Fast forward to graduation from Bryan College. I found myself completely surrounded by people that I had lived everyday life with for 4 years, both the good moments and the beyond horrible days. They had seen me at my worst and loved me all the more for it. I could literally not imagine my life without them. And after we all graduated that day, there were many that I hugged and said "Hey, we'll see each other eventually." A few of them were my very closest, dearest, and best friends...But it's now been almost 2 years and our paths have never crossed again.

It's taken me a lot longer to get to the point where I'm content, complete without these people. These friendships were different; they were deeper, more mature. They were entwined with many more experiences and defined by a wide range of emotions. But although it's taken me more time, I am finally starting to understand that this phase of life is also over. I can still hold onto the memories and the moments I had with these people, but they're not in my life anymore. Again, with the rare exception of a handful of people, I rarely converse with my college friends and find that when we do reunite, we have little to talk about besides the "remember when" conversations. And that's ok. It's as it should be.

(Side Note: There is another group of people at Bryan College, the graduating senior class of this year. They don't really fit into the group I was just describing above...but I'm saving a blog post about them until it gets closer to graduation. So if any of you guys...you know who you are...are reading this, don't freak out. ;) )

And now...I'm about to move and start the process all over again. To be honest....it exhausts me to even think about.  This time, I'll only have 2 years to make friendships, to create memories, to love everyday life again. 

It sort of terrifies me. I don't want to open up my heart to more people, to allow more friends into my life...and especially not if it means I have to let more of the current ones go. 

I hate letting go. 

I hate goodbyes. 

I hate moving on. 

I hate that moment when I cease to feel as deeply as I once did about someone.

Does it really have to be so drastic? Do I really have to discard former friendships to make room for new ones?

***

As you know, I'm a theatre nerd. Although I can't say I'm a huge fan of the show as a whole, the musical "Spring Awakening" has a song that makes me cry every single time I hear it. When I was a senior in college, I sang it with two of my very best friends and ever since then, it hold so much more emotional weight than most songs ever could. I want to share some of the lyrics with you.

Those you've known and lost still walk behind you;

All alone, they linger till they find you.

Without them, the world grows dark around you,

And nothing is the same until you know that they have found you.

Though you know you've left them far behind

You walk on by yourself, and not with them

Still you know they will fill your heart and mind

When they say there's a way through this

Now they'll walk on my arm through the distant night

And I won't let them stray from my heart

Through the wind, through the dark, through the winter light

I will read all their dreams to the stars

They walk with my heart

And I'll never let them go

Not gone; not gone.

When I graduated from Bryan, one of my very closest friends (who was younger than me, and therefore not graduating) sent a few lines of this song to me the night before I left. 

Those you've known and lost still walk behind you;

All alone, their song still seems to find you.

I read that, and it practically screamed, "You may be gone from here, but you're still with me because I love you and because you affected my life."

And that's going to be my goal as I enter this new chapter of life; afraid, alone and overwhelmed.

To my friends, the ones who matter to me, wherever they may be:

Though I know I've left them far behind...

They will still fill my heart and mind.

I won't let them stray from my heart...

I'll never let them go. 

Burdens Shared.

Over the past week or two, I have had the unique experience of watching many of my friends struggle.

I don't mean this to sound pleasant; on the contrary, it is something that I wish I did not have to witness.

It has reached the point where I woke up in the middle of the night, around 2 am, so heavily burdened by the pain, fear and heartache that my friends were experiencing...I had to wake up and pray for them. This was something I had never encountered before; and I cannot say that I am the biggest fan of how it feels.

 Friendships mean the world to me. God has so richly blessed my life with people--I could list so many who have changed my life forever. And I am beyond honored to be the kind of person that a majority of them feel comfortable seeking out when they are in pain or in trouble. I love being the friend that helps through the hurting.

But at this moment...the hurting is just so heavy on my heart. And there's nothing I can really do about any of it.

So here's my prayers for my struggling friends.

To the friend who doesn't have any idea what the next step is, who feels overwhelmed by choices and defeated by uncertainty; I pray that the God of guidance gives you clarity--not for the whole journey, but for just the next step...so that you may learn to trust Him with everything more and more.

To the friend whose heart is broken by cruelty and abandonment, who feels unworthy, unwanted and cast aside without a second glance; I pray that the Healer reminds you how truly beautiful you are, both outside and within. I pray that He wraps you in His arms of comfort and holds you as you put the pieces of your heart back together. I pray that through the healing process you do not forget the pain, but use it to create strength and courage for what is next.

To the friend who feels ashamed of past decisions, terrorized by vulnerability and uncharted emotional territory, who feels utterly alone and unable to confide in anyone; I pray that you will give your burden to the One who can handle it. I pray that He envelopes you in His peace and His assurance that everything happens for a reason, and may He remind you that even our biggest mistakes or our deepest regrets can be used for good.

To the friend who feels lost from a dead end, who has no idea what the future holds and is shaken at the thought of giving up on a dream; I pray that you persevere through the frustration and anxiety. I pray that you allow God to shape your dreams and to follow where He leads you, no matter how long it may take to reach the goal. I pray that you do not allow fear to poison the new chapter of your life unfolding, but that through trust and faith you step out in confidence of His hand upon your future.

I don't expect things to get better automatically, or even anytime soon.
But these prayers could not be more genuine.
I've lifted my burdens to the Lord, and that's literally all I can do.
I know it is enough.

"Share one another's burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ."

 -Galatians 6:2

Snapshots of Happiness.

I've been struggling to write much of anything lately. And not for lack of trying; on the contrary, I have attempted to put words on paper countless times with no results. It was frustrating, to say the least. I love to write, and the fact that I couldn't was troubling me.

But today, as I was driving home from a weekend in Dayton, I realized that I tend to write only about the dramatic, depressing, or earth-changing events of my life. And there are so many little, minuscule moments in my day that are worth writing about, if you look at them the right way. The image that first popped into my mind was a camera. (Big surprise, I take WAY too many pictures.)

Think of it this way: What if every morning, we were given a brand-new Polaroid camera and an unlimited supply of film? The main purpose of this camera was to take snapshots of the moments that bring us joy, or laughter, or contentment, or...

Happiness. (For those of you who know me, you know this is a well-loved word in my vocabulary. It's very near and dear to my heart.)

So at the risk of abusing this lovely word's significance, here is a simple list of moments-or, in my mind, an album of snapshots--when happiness was clearly visible to me this weekend. 

***

Happiness Is:

A professor's office that feels like home.

Swapping stories around the dinner table.

A second family to love when your real family is too far away.

A professor who walks in, says "Hey. Wanna see my scar?" and reminds you to treat every moment as precious.

The dearest and best of friends who walk down an icy, snowy hill because they miss you.

Putting your head on a shoulder, feeling an arm around you and hearing "You're here. All is now right with the world."

Uncontrollable laughter.

A snowy morning that forces you to stay inside and relish the people you're with.

A scary venture to your car in the ice while your roommate's family cheers you on from the window.

A game of Dutch Blitz that serves as much needed proof that some friendships will never completely fade, even if much time passes in between the days spent together.

Sitting in the audience of a play and reconnecting with old theatre friends...and realizing you're not the only one who misses it everyday.

Crying as you watch your onstage soulmate say his very last line on a Bryan College stage and being overwhelmed with pride at being his best friend. 

Walking into a dorm room and immediately bursting into laughter because you're with the 3 people who can make you laugh like no one else can. 

Hearing someone say "You being here makes my heart happy." And knowing they mean it.

Sitting in a practice room and playing a piano piece that was written just for you.

Knowing that even though goodbyes are never easy, it makes the next 'hello' all the sweeter.

***

As I am writing this list, I am humbled. Yes, life is full of struggle. It is wracked with pain and uncertainty. Everyday holds unknown battles and unimagined defeat.

But life also holds immeasurable happiness. It surrounds me with sunlight, and showers me with countless momentos of joy. All I have to do is capture them.

So. Now I challenge you:

How many snapshots of happiness will you have at the end of the day?