JULY 2018
-Twyla Tharp
***
Oh, man. What a CRAZY month.
Crazy busy,
crazy stressful,
crazy emotional,
crazy amazing,
crazy fulfilling,
crazy all of the above.
Here's a question.
Is there ever going to be a month in my life that's not like this?
I'm starting to seriously doubt the possibility.
If I could sum up what July 2018 taught me, it would be this:
Don't ever let anxiety about what's coming ruin the moment you're currently living through.
In other words...Be where you are.
***
Song #1: Be Where You Are, Birdtalker
Do you feel like somebody else?
Have you got fire in your mind
That keeps you up at night?
Be where you are
Be where you are
Don't be afraid of how you feel
Don't look for life in past or future
Look right at it dead in the eye
After this moment there's a new one
Be where you are
Be where you are
Have you been using all the noise
To avoid meeting your mess
You don't have to work so hard
Just stop and take a breath
And be where you are
Be where you are
***
The above quote is from a note that one of the actors gave me on the final day of our production.
It has been no secret that this summer was difficult for not only me, but for every single person involved. The cast was put through a ridiculous amount of struggles; change of director, change of vision, various actors being hospitalized and out of major rehearsals...the list goes on and on. But they never wavered and they rallied behind me in a way I'll always treasure and never forget.
Before the house opened that last day, I was in the dressing room talking with the cast. When I finished, one of the actors stood up and said:
"You all know how important this story is to me...how much passion I have for it. This year has been a volatile one, and that has brought out a new kind of energy and emotion in us, even onstage. But I have seen this passion growing in some new people this year, which is exciting to witness. And on top of that, I have watched a young woman tackle the countless challenges thrown in her lap with grace and dignity, and through this process she has truly evolved into a real leader. I'm proud of her."
In that moment, all of the heartache and stress,
all of the late nights and tears,
all of the wondering why this had to happen to me at this particular season in my life...
it became worthwhile to me.
Although I would have wished this opportunity to appear in ANY other way than which it did, I am so thankful that everything worked out as it has.
The production was wonderful, the audiences responded with overwhelming positivity, and most of the cast has expressed a strong desire to return next year.
I have an AD who has already committed to helping me rebuild this story from the ground up, and I have a million ideas racing through my brain.
It's going to be an exciting future ahead.
However........I can't think about that anymore now.
Because I start my job at Bryan College in exactly 12 days, and to be totally honest with you:
I.
Am.
Completely.
And.
Utterly.
Terrified.
***
-Matthew 6:27
If I can stay in the middle of the turmoil calm and unperplexed, that is the end of the purpose of God...it is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God.
-Oswald Chambers
***
All the anxiety I have been feeling about this new job, this uncharted territory? Well, it's becoming so bad that I'm almost paralyzed by the fear.
Of course, I'm excited too. This is my dream, after all.
But I also am terribly afraid of not being good enough to live out my dream.
What have I possibly experienced in my life to qualify me to be the professor, director and mentor that these students need?
I feel so inadequate.
What if I fail?
What if I disappoint the people who hired me and the students who are looking to me for guidance, knowledge and direction?
It's very difficult when all of the "what ifs" begin to pour in.
But I'm trying to trust.
My dreams are small compared to Yours
Why should I worry bout tomorrow when I know
All I gotta do is trust You, Lord
Behind the scenes and in the details
You plan the perfect way for me
Why would I dwell upon the road's uncertainties
When all I gotta do is look to You
Every little thing is gonna be alright
Every little thing is gonna be just fine
Whether I can see it now
I know you will work it out for good
Every little thing, everything will be alright
***
This blog post is particularly short. Not because there's a lack of things to talk about; rather, because I'm already late in posting and I have a million other things to do.
Let's just hope I actually get to write on for August.
Crazy to think where my life could be in just 30 days.
Absolutely CRAZY.
***
Song #3: Rise of the Sun, Willow City
Everything in life giving us pain
But what will be will be
The reality:
I need you every moment of my life
So stay with me through the dark of the night
You have a tendency to light up the sky
Cause it's your love that's keeping me strong
We'll weather the storm, yeah it won't be long
Before the moon sets, the stars fade, the clouds start to run
And we'll see, we'll see the rise of the sun
You know I know we can't see up the road ahead
We'll keep walking this highway, this life they just won't understand
But when your smile shines through the night
You light up my world, forever I
Will hold you and love you knowing that you're mine
So stay with me through the dark of the night
You have a tendency to light up the sky
Cause it's your love that's keeping me strong
We'll weather the storm, yeah it won't be long
Before the moon sets, the stars fade, the clouds start to run
And we'll see, we'll see the rise of the sun
