There are decades where nothing happens, and there are weeks where decades happen.
-Vladimir Lenin
***
I feel like I say this every month, but I truly mean it this time.
June has been one of those times where I look back and think, "There's no way to adequately describe all that I've experienced."
So, to prove the point, I reached out to people who have been around me in some way for the past 4 weeks. I asked them to describe my month in one word. The results were...well, varied.
Tumultuous.
Shifting.
Transitional.
Unsettling.
Turbulent.
Hell.
Spasmodic.
Challenging.
Vomit. (He said he was joking, but it still applies.)
Refining.
Fulfilling.
Regardless of whether the word's focus was on the negative events or positive outcomes, it's safe to say that June 2018 was something I would never wish on anyone.
After living in Appomattox, VA for 8 months, I moved to Dayton, TN at the beginning of June. I was beginning my summer gig as a Production Stage Manager for a show about the historic Scopes Trial. It would be my third year in this position with this production, and I knew from the start that it was going to be a much bigger challenge than ever before.
I'm not going to go into specifics because, quite honestly, they're not important. But from my first day on the job, I was thrown into a very stressful, toxic and unhealthy theatrical environment that sapped all of my joy and confidence with every rehearsal.
The relationship I had with the director was unstable and highly damaging to my self-esteem. I dreaded every phone call, every email and every interaction with that person.
The show itself was struggling.
The cast was struggling.
My team of interns were struggling.
I was so empty, and it had only been a week. I remember coming home and laying on the floor in front of my roommate's couch in despair. She said, "What happened this time?" And I just sighed deeply before replying, "We still have 7 weeks to go. I'm never going to make it."
You would think that after 2 previous summers with this particular team, I would be more aware of what to expect.
You would think that I'd be better prepared for how to deal with difficult and unpredictable artists.
You would think.
Anyway, it quickly became apparent that this summer was going to be a far cry from what I had hoped.
And gosh.........was I right.
Song #1: When I'm Weary, Dave Matthews Band
When I'm weary
When I'm tired
You remind me
To keep on trying
There'll be dark, dark days
More are coming
Just as sure as this
Sweet earth beneath my feet
It don't matter
Come tomorrow
Together we must face
What lies ahead
When you're weary
When you're tired
Please remember
To keep on going
So I sat speechless, a ringside observer at my own trial, until the end of the circus.
-John T. Scopes, Center of the Storm
I'm pretty sure that everyone who is reading this (or almost, anyway) has heard of the Scopes Trial, but knows basically nothing about it. I'm ashamed to say that after 2 years of working on this production, I still knew very little about the story and the characters themselves.
Due to one of my interns reading John Scopes' autobiography entitled Center of the Storm, I have been able to awaken a riveting passion for this story that I've never had before. It has given me a desire to tell this story in a new and creative way; to help other people realize why this trial was such an important part of history.
So, despite the ridiculously discouraging days and completely awful rehearsals, I could at least get together with people who were just as passionate about the story and brainstorm ways of making it better. We could focus on the future, since the present moment was incredibly hopeless and artistically debilitating.
Someday.
Someday.
Someday.
Why is it that when we focus on what lies ahead of us, something ALWAYS happens to yank us back into the present? I've firmly held the opinion that dreaming was a good thing. But it seems like every time I dream, I'm smacked in the face with the reality of what's directly in front of me.
This month was no exception in that regard. I was about to get blindsided by reality, and I was in no way prepared. (What else is new.)
Song #2: Bird Set Free, Keala Settle
Clipped wings, I was a broken thing
Had a voice, had a voice but I could not sing
You would wind me down
I struggled on the ground
So lost, the line had been crossed
Had a voice, had a voice but I could not talk
You held me down
I struggled to fly now
But there's a scream inside that we all try to hide
We hold on so tight, we cannot deny
Eats us alive...
Well I don't care if I sing off key
I found myself in my melodies
I sing for love, I sing for me
I shout it out like a bird set free
Let me say something about ethics in the theater...The better the play, the more we need an ensemble venture. We must recognize that we need each other's strengths, and the more we need each other's professional comradeship, the better the chance we have of making theater. We must serve the play by serving each other.
-Uta Hagen
I've been spending a lot of time over the past month searching for quotes on collaboration and the idea of theatrical teamwork. As a director, I know it's easy to become dictatorial and wanting your own way on everything. A lot of people would say that the director has that right. And maybe that's true. But I have always valued having others around me to confirm my instincts or offer another option I hadn't even considered.
Theatre is pointless if you're alone at the finish line.
A little over a week ago (gosh, I can't believe it's only been a week), the director of Front Page News was asked to step down from the production. I received a phone call from the producer and he said, "If I told you that you were taking over the show tomorrow, would you be ready?"
And I just sat there in silence, holding the phone and feeling about 4302284920 emotions all at once.
Directing for theatre is my greatest passion & truest love. I'm never happier than when I'm directing.
It's also been a goal of mine to eventually direct for this festival.
But...I didn't imagine it happening this way. I felt sick. Despite my turbulent relationship with the director, I had no wish to "kick them out" and take over their show.
Not like this.
However, due to unfortunate circumstances, it had to happen. And everything literally exploded in the worst possible chain of events.
If you're curious, ask me about it sometime.
(It's way more entertaining to watch me run around a room and re-enact everything myself, I promise.)
Nevertheless, I have taken up this little show and the not-so-little cast, and we have determined to pull this production together in the 3 weeks we have left.
They have been nothing but supportive, understanding and patient.
I have had an incredible team of interns to take responsibilities off of me and allow me to focus on the artistic side of the show.
They go out of their way to ease my burden and have been so encouraging to me at every turn.
I have an Assistant Director who jumped on board from day one, offers amazing insight, and even runs around an empty courtroom to help me visualize how to stage 40 people in an artistic manner. Together, we laugh at the humorous moments, admire the beauty of the genuine moments, and despair in the stressful moments.
We are a team, plain and simple:
The cast, crew, designers, and an excited, overwhelmed, nervous, and totally in-her-element-at-last director.
It's been a heck of an adventure.
Song #3: Don't Worry, Frank Turner
Don't worry if you don't know what to do
I've spent a little time in worried shoes
I wore them out through walking
It wasn't any use
Don't worry if you don't know what to do
Don't give up if you just can't get your way
Don't listen to the bitter things they say
Put those thoughts behind you
Tomorrow's a new day
Don't give up if you just can't get your way
Life hurts
And love will burn
Don't we wish it weren't that way
And if it falls to bits
You should fix it
Don't throw it away
***
If you make art at all, you're a part of the cure.
At the beginning of the month, I was watching the Tony Awards, and in the opening number they sang the above line.
Isn't it so beautiful?
I just want to put that on a huge plaque and display it at every theatre I walk into.
Because, in reality, that's why we do theatre at all, right?
We tell stories to create change.
We tell stories to provoke emotional responses.
We tell stories to reveal truth.
We tell stories to remember the past, and impact the future for the better.
In the show, there is a song entitled "Mirror for Tomorrow." It was a brand-new addition to the script this year, and the verse is honestly my favorite in the entire production. With everything that has occurred over the past few weeks, it seems even more appropriate to post...and to reflect upon.
If there is a mirror for life, a mirror to show tomorrow
It must be yesterday, yesterday...in hope and sorrow
If we can't remember the past, our children will relive it
But if they learn from our mistakes, the future shines
I never thought I would say such a thing about this particular show and experience...
But I'm honestly so glad I get to be a part of the cure.
By telling this story, and by learning from my mistakes of years past, I can help create a future that shines brighter than before.
And some people say a life in the theatre is a pointless endeavor.
Oh, how wrong they are.
