Resolutions; The Mini Edition.

At this very moment I'm sitting in the Keck family's kitchen. I'm sitting in the corner, watching Kim and Steve Keck cook chicken fajitas while Pandora plays in the background. They're catching one another up on their day, and I'm enjoying observing their life together.

Today has been a different New Years Eve for me. I'm not with the people I'm normally around this time of year, and I'm in a different place. But emotionally, I'm having the exact same reaction. Every year on New Year's Eve, I get super melancholy because a year is ending, so much has happened to reflect on, and the thought of going through another 365 days is exhausting. I don't want to say goodbye to 2015. I'm not ready to let go of everything that I went through.

But I have to. 2016 has so much possibility, and it's time to start looking forward. Even if the thought of what might happen terrifies me. So, here's my New Year's Resolutions.

#1. Listen.
 For a music major and avid lover of all things music, I really don't spend that much time actually listening to it. But I'm bringing my record player to school and my vinyl collection. Instead of watching Netflix every chance I get, my resolution is to spend at least 30 minutes of my morning or evening listening to a record.

#2. Read.
I have adored books since I was a child, and I used to spend hours reading everything I could get my hands on. Being in school sort of makes that difficult, but once again I could limit my TV time and instead try to read a book or two.

#3. Journal.
I used to do that everyday without fail and have recently lost my motivation. However, I know that one day I will want to remember what happened in my life during this time and so I am determined to improve on this. I'll be glad I did.


There should be more, but this is all I can think of right now.

2016: Hello.

Dear 2015: Love, Me

A few days ago I was sitting in a hair salon, waiting on my hair dye to soak in. I started scrolling through Facebook (as I usually do) and came across a blog written by someone I went to college with, Garrett Lemons. 

(Garrett and I were at Bryan for a few years together, and he's really close with my best friend Emilie, but I never got to know him. Looking back, I wish I had. He seems pretty cool.)

Anyway, I saw that his last few blog posts were entitled "Letters to 2015," and I was intrigued. I began looking through each one and loved the concept behind the project. Garrett had written a letter--sometimes short, sometimes long--each day of December. The letters were always addressed to something that he needed to process from the year 2015. And 26 blog posts later, I had decided to try my hand at this writing prompt.

But...I didn't want to wait until December 2016. And I certainly didn't want to dig through my journal and social media activity from the last 12 months. (Timehop can't always help a girl out.) So I decided to make up my own variation of this idea. In this blog post are 15 things that I feel sum up my 2015; places, people, and mundane objects that had an impact on my life for the past year. I am attempting to write a short letter to each one...plus a letter to myself. Believe me, I need it.

***

Dear Chickfila,

I fought my entire teenage life to avoid working for you; all through high school and college I managed to remain outside of your chicken-taloned grasp. However, God has a sense of humor and only when I graduated college with two degrees did I end up behind your counter. What irony, huh? 

Thank you for teaching me about patience, perseverance and positive attitudes. 

Thank you for helping me understand humility to a painful level and how to be thankful for job security.

 I'll never forget the lessons, but to be honest, I'd be okay if we never worked together again. No offense, seriously.

Dear 905 Teaberry Lane Apartment #7,

My first apartment. You were so wonderfully weird. The hallway outside of your door never smelled the same twice, and your peephole was off center (which drove OCD me crazy). Your parking sucked, and your inability to function without heat in a blizzard was disappointing.

Thank you for having terribly thin walls so I could hear the man next door reciting Indian chants while I took a shower, or so Emilie and I could listen to the man yelling at his fiancé on the phone at 4 am. 

Thank you for Coughing Guy and his not-so-subtle way of telling us it was time for bed...every night...at 10:30 pm. 

Thank you, Apartment #7, for helping me to becoming an independent and responsible woman. I still think of you often, and I believe I always will. You were my first...and you never forget your first.

Dear Clive,

I'm so thankful for you. Now that I live in Louisiana, I don't think I could make a 16 hour drive without you. It's taken some time, but you've become my faithful companion. The memories made inside your doors are far from exceptional, but we'll get there. 

Thank you for not holding a grudge against me after we first met. I know I was less than enthusiastic about you. You have to understand--Worf was my baby. He had been there for everyday of college. I fit 12 people in there one time. I went out on dates with my boyfriend in Worf. I took road trips with my best friends in Worf. He had all of those memories living inside of him. I saw you and I realized I'd have to start all over. It was overwhelming...but I'm over it now. 

Thank you, Clive, for helping me to make a fresh start. Let's rack up some miles, boy.

Dear Bryan College,

2015 was great--I got to see a lot of you, much more than I anticipated. And I was totally fine with that. I knew going into this year that my relationship with you was forever changing. My last few close friends were about to graduate, and with their departure would end my time as an alum that students would still recognize. At first I thought it would be terribly difficult, but as the months have gone by I have realized that it needs to be like this. You aren't the same place anymore, just as I am not the same person I was while with you. Maybe someday I'll fulfill my dream of teaching for you, but until then our relationship has to change.

 Thank you, Bryan, for still being my home away from home. You changed my life forever, and I'm eternally grateful.

Dear Boy Who Broke My Heart,

2015 was when you got engaged. I knew it was coming, thankfully, and had been trying to prepare myself for it. But when the day arrived, I was a wreck inside. Don't get me wrong, I'm over everything that happened between us. It's been 2 years. But there's just something about knowing that a person you loved, a person you were intimate with, is pledging their life and love to someone other than you. Even if you don't want it anymore. 

Thank you for forcing me to let you go. It was a long time in coming, and although it hurt deeply, I needed that final push. You seem truly content now, and if happy is her...I'm happy for you. 

Dear Emilie,

This letter could be pages long and still not encompass everything we went through in 2015. So I'll just say this. We lived together again, and not a day goes by that I don't wish we still did. Despite the terrible job experiences we both seemed to have on a daily basis, knowing that at the end of the day we would be in our apartment, living life, made everything okay. I'm so grateful for the time we had.

Thank you for proving my hunch that we're perfect roommates, even outside of a dorm room.

Thank you for putting up with my horrendous Diet Coke addiction.

Thank you for Netflix binges.

Thank you for Chili's dates.

Thank you for living everyday life with me for so much of 2015. I love you.

Dear Justin,

2015 was a weird year for us. We were as close as ever, but you were struggling with so many things and I couldn't be there for you like I wanted to. You told me everything, and yet I had nothing to say. Things were happening that I had prayed for for years, but I was terrified of what came next. You were fumbling and drowning and I couldn't save you. Oh how I wanted to. But God is so incredibly faithful, and He has transformed you into a man that I am so proud of and love even more. 

Thank you for being the vessel that God used to show me prayer is powerful.

Thank you for always trusting me with the burdens and trials of your life.

Thank you for holding my hand when we walk together, even though people stare.

Thank you for having such a patched history with me. Our friendship story is complicated and full of rips and tears, but when you hold it up to the light of grace, it is a gorgeous tapestry of new beginnings and a deep brotherly love. I adore you.

Dear Josiah and Karen,

You two were such a huge part of 2015 for me. It seemed as though every other weekend you guys were at our apartment, cooking breakfast for dinner and watching Criminal Minds, complaining about DW and wishing you didn't have to go back to school. Emilie and I loved having you stay with us. I wish, more than anything, that we could have another weekend just like that. You made us feel special and wanted, and that our friendships were valuable to you.

Thank you for asking me to be in your wedding. It's still one of the biggest honors of my life.

Thank you, Josey, for having me play in your senior recital. It meant so much to me.

Thank you, Karen, for being my pen pal. I absolutely live for your letters and smile the entire time I read them.

Thank you for continuing to love me, even from afar. You are both tried and true friends.

Dear SETC,

You terrified me. To be honest, you still do. I can honestly say that going to see you in March was one of the top 3 most stressful days of 2015 for me. I had no idea what to expect, and I was convinced that no one would want me. Theatre was a pipe dream: I was going to spend the rest of my life working at Chickfila.

Thank you for proving me so, so, so wrong. 

Thank you for overwhelming me with positive feedback.

Thank you for pointing me towards Louisiana Tech.

Thank you for giving me a chance to see that my dreams aren't impossible.

Dear #threeburritos,

I can't even remember how that hashtag was created...but oh, how I love it. You two are literally some of my most favorite people on earth. I never laugh harder than when I'm with you, and yet I know I can cry with you if I need to. Easter 2015 was one of the best weekends of my entire year. You made the drive 1000 times easier, you made the annual dinner with Jesus 1000 times funnier, and you made taking Easter pictures 1000 times more photogenic. Having friends like you changed my life forever.

Thank you for food being one of the foundational pillars of our friendship.

Thank you for car trips that include soul-baring secrets and tear-streaming laughter.

Thank you for seeing my family in their natural habitat and still loving all of us.

Thank you for our obsession with Goodwill.

Thank you for being my burritos. I don't know what I would do without you.

Dear Donald Miller and Philip Yancey,

Your books got me through 2015. I was determined to read more, and I'm so glad I did. Yancey, your book "The Jesus I Never Knew" forever changed my perspective of Christ and the man He was. Miller, your book "Searching For God Knows What" gave me serious food for thought while adjusting to life in my parent's house once again. 

Thank you for stretching my mind and challenging my heart to think more deeply.

Thank you for giving me lots of quotes to write in my quote journal.

Thank you for being amazing writers. You inspire me.

Dear Louisiana Tech.

You want the brutal truth? I arrived on campus on day one and immediately wanted to leave. You weren't what I was expecting or what I wanted. But I've since realized you're what I need. Even if I find myself still fighting you at times.

Thank you for growing me in ways I didn't think I could.

Thank you for giving me professors that can help me to improve as an artist and to finally figure out my dreams.

Thank you for teaching me how to survive insanely far from everyone I love.

Thank you for forcing me to be brave, independent, self-relying and strong.

Thank you for making me explore my introvert tendencies. 

Thank you for giving me a kick in the butt to grow up and get over it, cause this is life and it's hard.

Dear Funny Girl soundtrack,

I don't know why I'd never listened to you before, but I found you on Spotify and never looked back. Fanny Brice is such an inspiration to me (aside from her whole marriage to a gambler thing) and it is still my dream to play her on stage one day.

Thank you for allowing me to butcher you in the car on road trips.

Thank you for never judging my total lack of lung capacity on the last note of "My Man."

Thank you for letting me pretend to be as good as Barbara Streisand. I appreciate the sympathy.

Dear The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Fringe, Pretty Little Liars, OUAT, Grey's Anatomy, Scandal, 30 Rock and countless other shows,

I have to admit...including you as an important part of my year is a little embarrassing. But I can't deny it; we spent a LOT of time together in 2015. Emilie made me start watching Grey's, The Bachelorette and Fringe, and then my life as I knew it ceased to exist. Netflix and Hulu have been the death of my productivity.

Thank you for giving Emilie and I so many hours of nail-biting suspense.

Thank you, OUAT, for being the first TV show that Emilie and I started together, at the same time. It's kind of a big deal for us.

Thank you, The Bachelor, for allowing me to make so much fun of you. (I have to mock you because I can't really admit that I like you. You understand, right?)

Thank you for always being there. I can always count on you for one more episode.

Dear Alexis,

Well. You did it. You've made it through another year. And this one's been kind of a doozy. Living in Knoxville was such a great decision, even if literally nothing worked out like you planned. It taught you to be independent and self-sufficient. These are things you wanted to be but hadn't yet taken the plunge. I'm proud of you. You earned your own living and paid your own bills. That's a big deal.

You also learned how to let go of a lot of things this year. Things that you should have let go of a long time ago. Be thankful for the friends in your life, Lex. They are amazing people that have proven time and time again that they'll never leave you, even if they're not with you. It's a beautiful conundrum; don't waste time wishing things were different. Things are wonderful exactly as they are.

Then grad school happened...and your world was once again shaken. I know Tech can be a bit overwhelming at times. I know you're often frustrated and lonely. But you're growing so much here. I mean, you're in your mid-20s now. You don't need another college experience. You had one and it was perfect. Take this experience for what it is and run with it. Focus on finding your dream, your long-term career goal and do what you must to make it happen. Grad school is for accomplishing your goals. Do it. Don't look back.

With regards to relationships, I'm pretty proud of where you are right now. You don't really give a crap about boys and romance and happily ever after. Some people might say this isn't the healthiest approach, but I think you're doing just fine. You know what you want to do in life, and another person is just going to slow you down. Don't completely give up on the idea, but there's more than enough time for that. Live your life. YOUR life. They can wait. You have things to do.

Lex, I know you hate change. And 2015 has had so much. Maybe you haven't always handled it in the best way (let's not forget that time you cried for 2 hours straight after finding out you had to move to Louisiana by yourself). But you got through it, which is all anybody can ask for. You have grown this year. You have been stretched this year. I couldn't be more proud of you.

I would say let's start looking towards 2016 and all that will happen...but I know you and that's not smart. 2015 has been exhausting and you need time to think (aka freak out) about the 365 new days coming up. 

Here's to 2015, Lex. You did good, kid.