Week 12: Tried and True.

My 2016

Week #12

Tried and True.

This past week, while filled with classes and rehearsals, ended in a much different environment. I went to Birmingham, Alabama, to spend Easter weekend with one of my dearest friends from Bryan College. Her name is Molly Sutton. Easter with the Suttons was a tradition we began while I was still a student at Bryan. For 3 years I would travel to their home for a few days; lounging on the couch, going out to eat, and catching up on each others' lives. It was always exactly what I needed at that point in the school year. 

However, when I graduated in 2013, I moved home and for the next 2 years spent Easter in Virginia with my family. But now that I'm in Louisiana, a 16 hour drive home seemed ridiculous for a 2 day break. So Molly and David graciously invited me to come stay with them once again, and the tradition was rekindled!

This weekend was no exception to the great memories I have of Easters past. Meeting Abigail, their 51 week old baby girl, was so sweet. It was strange (in a good way) to see college friends with a baby and functioning in parent mode, especially when I knew Molly in college. It's funny how life continues and people grow up, even after they're already grown up. 

I have to explain to you, my readers, why Molly is so special to me. When I arrived at Bryan College as a freshman, Molly was a senior. We were both piano majors, both in chorale together, and my first lead role as M'Lynn Eatenton in Steel Magnolias collided with her last role as Truvy. Within a few short months, a deep friendship was born. Molly was crazy, energetic and wise beyond her years. She was there for me through a lot of traumatic experiences my freshman year, and I know without a doubt that she is still there for me whenever I need her. Despite the fact that we rarely see one another, we are always able to pick up exactly where we left off, and talk together as though we hadn't spent a day apart. Our friendship is tried and true, and I will always be grateful for the way she and her husband David have welcomed me into their lives, even if it's only for a few days each year. They are so dear to my heart.

Another week is beginning at LA Tech, and now there are no more breaks left in the school year. Things are going to get stressful and I am going to wish for just one more day off. But regardless, I'm so glad that I was able to spend my last few days of freedom with a woman who changed my life at 18, and has continued to touch my life throughout the years, even from a distance. 

I love you, Molly.

Week #11: Opportunities All Around.

My 2016

Week #11

Opportunities All Around.

This has been the first full week of Spring Quarter, and suffice it to say, I'm already feeling overwhelmed. I knew it would be a tough quarter; while I'm only taking one academic class, the rest of my time is taken with being a TA for a Theatre Appreciation class, shop hours, being the Assistant Director for Love's Labour's Lost, and directing our grad production of No Exit. After two days, I realized that I was in for a crazy ten weeks. In fact, I'm still trying to figure out how everything is going to come together.

However, there have been several wonderful moments about this week, despite the feeling of complete chaos and craziness. Our graduate showcase is going to be a whirlwind of stress and obstacles, but I know that when the show finally happens it will be well worth it. We've only had 3 rehearsals, but the cast has so much potential and I can't wait to see how it progresses.

This opportunity I have to TA is terrifying to me. I have never taught in a setting like this, and feel so unqualified to teach these kids anything. But I know that if teaching is truly what I want to do someday, I have to try it. I have to figure out if I'm even...good at it. Getting up in front of 45 undergrads to talk about theatre will be incredibly scary, but I know that I"ll be glad of the opportunity.

And that's really what this quarter comes down to for me: opportunities. There are many things about my duties here that I don't particularly enjoy or care for, but I know that facing them as opportunities for growth will radically change the way I view them.

This is a very brief post, but that's really all I have to say.

Here's to a brand new week, my readers. May you look at the obstacles in your life as merely chances to become a better version of yourself. May you strive to overcome the difficulties and work through the fear. Whatever's waiting on the other side will be far better, I'm sure. 

Week #10: Faith, Plain & Simple.

My 2016

Week #10

Faith, Plain & Simple.

I meet with You and my soul sings out;

As Your word throws doubt far away.

I sing to You, and my heart cries 'holy-'

Hallelujah, Father, you're near.

My hope is in You, Lord,

All the day long;

I won't be shaken by drought or storm.

A peace that passes understanding is my song-

My hope is in You, Lord.

I wait for You, and my soul finds rest;

In my selfishness You show me grace.

I worship You, and my heart cries 'glory'

Hallelujah, Father you're here.

I will wait on You;

You are my refuge.

-Aaron Shust

This week has been so strange. Due to tornado warnings and flash floods, Spring Quarter has not even begun yet. School has been cancelled for the past 3 days plus the weekend, so I ended up having an extra week to sit at home, cuddled under blankets and watching movies. It was wonderfully relaxing, but I'm starting to feel restless. Hopefully classes will start tomorrow...

Anyway, today I went to Starbucks and spent some time journaling and reading my Bible. My spiritual life has been rather stagnant lately; whether that is due to immense busyness and stress, or just a lack of personal motivation, I'm not sure. But today I was determined to put forth the effort, and I'm so glad I did. God managed to tie everything together in my surroundings; the passages I read, the music playing in my headphones, and the chapter in the book I'm going through all combined to display a message of something I have been sorely lacking in my life:

Faith.

Faith is such a cliche term nowadays. It's gotten to the point where someone says "You just need to have faith," and we immediately stop listening and brush off the insensitive remark. Faith? What even is faith? What good does it actually do in our day-to-day lives? 

So, of course my immediate reaction today was that of skepticism. The above picture, which I stumbled across this week, seems appropriate. So often I have tried to maintain control of my life and make decisions for myself, only to be broken and scarred by the consequences. I have doubts that there actually is someone looking after me, who knows what's best and is guiding me, even through my mistakes and regrets. 

Of course I open my Bible to Hebrews 11, which is often labeled as the Faith Chapter. It had been a long time since I'd read it, and I immediately remembered how much I love it.

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see...And it is impossible to please God without faith."

"It was by faith that Moses left the land of Egypt, not fearing the king's anger. He kept right on going because he kept his eyes on the one who is invisible."

There are so many things I cannot see. So much about my future, even in the next few moths, is uncertain. My faith has to be strong in the One who can always assure me that He is in control. I need so badly to keep my eyes on Him, no matter what is happening around me, no matter how alone I may feel.

I continued to read to the end of the book, and in Hebrews 13, this practically jumped off the page.

"God has said,

'I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.'

So we can say with confidence,

'The Lord is my helper, so I will have no fear.

What can mere people do to me?'"

But really. If God is on my side, why am I afraid of anything? As simple as this concept may be, it was exactly what I needed to hear today.

I'm currently reading a book by Elisabeth Elliot titled A Path Through Suffering, and she quotes an old Orthodox prayer:

Teach me to treat all that comes to me with peace of soul and with firm conviction that Your will governs all. In unforeseen events let me not forget that all are sent by You.

As I continued reading the chapter, Elliot went on to comment on how we should be trusting the Lord with our daily decisions and minuscule details.

We cannot make ourselves holy. But when we surrender ourselves to the Lord, learning day by day to treat all that comes to us with peace of soul and firm conviction that His will governs all, He will see to our growth in grace. He will so govern the events in our lives, down to the smallest detail, as to provide for us the conditions which may make us fruitful.

Everything that is happening in my life is for a perfectly valid reason, even if I never know what those reasons are. The part of me that longs to know why everything happens has to let go, and the part of me that longs to trust Him has to grow stronger. 

Here's to a difficult journey ahead, my readers. May you learn to let go of the things in your lives that are troubling, discouraging or weighing you down, and may you have peace in knowing that there is One who holds every detail of your life in His hands, and knows exactly what He's doing...far more than we could ever dream of. 

I'm not gonna worry

I know that You've got me

Right inside the palm of Your hand

Each and every moment, what's good and what gets broken

Happens just the way You planned

You are here, You're real

I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts, even when it's hard

Even when it all just falls apart

I will run to You, cause I know that You are

Lover of my soul, Healer of my scars

You steady my heart.

-Kari Jobe 

Week #9: Waiting for Act Two.

My 2016

Week #9

Waiting for Act Two.

So this week has been an interesting one for me.

Most of the theatre department at Tech left for SETC, a theater convention in Greensboro, North Carolina. I was unable to go, so I stayed at my professor's house for the week and watched over her Yorkie named Lucy. "Watching Lucy" meant that I took her for walks, fed her, and then spent every day on the couch watching TV and Harry Potter marathons. Quite the life, it was.

Anyway...one night I was sitting in bed, watching a movie and texting my best friend Morgan. We somehow got onto the subject of growing up and we figured out that over the years, we had stopped being "fun." 

Morgan and I have been best friends since I was in 8th grade...we grew up together and were there for all of each other's...shall we say, formative years. We used to do the most ridiculous and, well, fun things together. I know I'm only supposed to post one picture per blog post but I have to share the screenshots from this conversation because they help to make sense of what I'm trying to say.

                 

Another fact you should know: Morgan and I are obsessed with the Broadway musical "Little Women." Hate on it all you want, but we think it's beautiful and we make references to it quite a lot in our conversation. (Hence the above ASTONISHING message. I will not apologize.)

Morgan said that this moment was intermission, and tomorrow would start Act 2. I thought that was such a beautiful way of looking at life. I realize it's a tad dramatic, but this week I had a kind of breakdown about where I'm at right now. 

Think about it: 

I'm 24. 

I will be 25 in 2 months. 

I'm almost a year into my master's program. 

In a year and 2 months, I'll be graduated, out in the real world, hopefully working somewhere in theater and actually acting like a grownup. 

My life is about to get REAL. 

And it's terrifying. I feel like the above picture of Lucy, looking out the window at my future and wondering when I will have clarity about anything. 

Act Two is about to begin, my readers, but I'm trying my best to enjoy intermission while I still have the chance to leaf through the program of choices, talk to the people on either side of me and discuss what I think will happen in the second half. 

It's only intermission; anything can happen when the curtain rises again. 

A Letter To the Man I Left But Will Always Love.

To the Man I Left But Will Always Love,


Last night, I was cleaning out my inbox, and I suddenly came upon a bunch of saved emails from 2010. It was my sophomore year of college, and what I found were a handful of love letters from, well, you. In one of the emails were a bunch of pictures of you and I...pictures that radiated pure happiness and romance. It had been years since I'd even thought about those emails, so I decided to read through them.

Most people would say that's a bad idea, especially because you're now married to someone else, but I have to say that I don't regret it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that reading those letters made me cry and long to have you back. It didn't. Our relationship has been over for many years now, and it is what it is. But reading them...it made me realize why that part of my life--why you are still so meaningful to me.

I have to admit, while reading your letters, my heart smiled. Those words don't bring me heartache any longer...rather, they bring me a gratefulness for the time that we had together. There were so many difficulties about our relationship, and so many things that I wish had happened differently. It has taken me years to be able to say this, but despite the trauma, I am so glad you were in my life. You forever changed me. I hope that I impacted you in some positive way as well.

I was so young when we met, so naive and unsuspecting of love's dangers. I fell in love with you wholeheartedly, and knew that we were made for each other. Being with you felt so right; when I was wrapped in your arms, I was home. I adored you. You were my everything.

And then, just as quickly, it all fell apart. But you never stopped fighting for me, despite the lies being thrown from every direction; despite everyone around us saying it wouldn't work, pushing us to give up, to run away. I tried to escape you, but you ran after me and made me believe you loved me again. I was so afraid to trust you, but you threw your arms around me and looked into my eyes, swearing that you had never loved anyone else like you loved me.

I believed you. I wanted to be with you so badly. I pushed away my friends, my family, anyone who was trying to keep us apart...it was us against the world, against the lies and deception and confusion. We were going to fight for us, and we were going to win.

But eventually I realized it would never be enough. The cautionary words of other people had seeped into my heart, and nothing you did or said would ever be able to convince me of your fidelity, of your faithful and true love for me.

So I left you.

I will never forget that night. You had no idea what was coming, and as I said the words "I can't do this anymore," you began to weep. I'd never seen you cry before, but the tears were streaming uncontrollably. You quickly kissed my cheek, and I felt the moisture of your tears on my face. Then you stood up and walked away from me. I don't know if you ever knew this, but as soon as you were gone I crumpled into a heap and sobbed as my best friend held me in her arms. I had let my one true love go, and I knew instinctively that I would never love anyone else like I loved you.

So, all of that to say, you changed my life. You really did. A lot more happened after that terrible night, but it doesn't matter. As I read over these emails, where you poured out your deeply rooted love and adoration for me, I realized that despite the heartbreak, despite the tears and loneliness and separation and eventual dissipation of anything between us...

You showed me how I long to be loved.

I wasn't meant to be loved forever by you, but the way you loved me is what I hope for with someone else. Thank you for demonstrating how much a man should love a woman.

I may have left you, but I will never stop loving the memory of you...because the way you loved me, even though it didn't work out, is something I have searched for in every relationship I've had since. And it is something that I will always be grateful to you for.

Thank you for loving me. It truly altered the course of my life.