A Letter To the Man I Left But Will Always Love.

To the Man I Left But Will Always Love,


Last night, I was cleaning out my inbox, and I suddenly came upon a bunch of saved emails from 2010. It was my sophomore year of college, and what I found were a handful of love letters from, well, you. In one of the emails were a bunch of pictures of you and I...pictures that radiated pure happiness and romance. It had been years since I'd even thought about those emails, so I decided to read through them.

Most people would say that's a bad idea, especially because you're now married to someone else, but I have to say that I don't regret it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that reading those letters made me cry and long to have you back. It didn't. Our relationship has been over for many years now, and it is what it is. But reading them...it made me realize why that part of my life--why you are still so meaningful to me.

I have to admit, while reading your letters, my heart smiled. Those words don't bring me heartache any longer...rather, they bring me a gratefulness for the time that we had together. There were so many difficulties about our relationship, and so many things that I wish had happened differently. It has taken me years to be able to say this, but despite the trauma, I am so glad you were in my life. You forever changed me. I hope that I impacted you in some positive way as well.

I was so young when we met, so naive and unsuspecting of love's dangers. I fell in love with you wholeheartedly, and knew that we were made for each other. Being with you felt so right; when I was wrapped in your arms, I was home. I adored you. You were my everything.

And then, just as quickly, it all fell apart. But you never stopped fighting for me, despite the lies being thrown from every direction; despite everyone around us saying it wouldn't work, pushing us to give up, to run away. I tried to escape you, but you ran after me and made me believe you loved me again. I was so afraid to trust you, but you threw your arms around me and looked into my eyes, swearing that you had never loved anyone else like you loved me.

I believed you. I wanted to be with you so badly. I pushed away my friends, my family, anyone who was trying to keep us apart...it was us against the world, against the lies and deception and confusion. We were going to fight for us, and we were going to win.

But eventually I realized it would never be enough. The cautionary words of other people had seeped into my heart, and nothing you did or said would ever be able to convince me of your fidelity, of your faithful and true love for me.

So I left you.

I will never forget that night. You had no idea what was coming, and as I said the words "I can't do this anymore," you began to weep. I'd never seen you cry before, but the tears were streaming uncontrollably. You quickly kissed my cheek, and I felt the moisture of your tears on my face. Then you stood up and walked away from me. I don't know if you ever knew this, but as soon as you were gone I crumpled into a heap and sobbed as my best friend held me in her arms. I had let my one true love go, and I knew instinctively that I would never love anyone else like I loved you.

So, all of that to say, you changed my life. You really did. A lot more happened after that terrible night, but it doesn't matter. As I read over these emails, where you poured out your deeply rooted love and adoration for me, I realized that despite the heartbreak, despite the tears and loneliness and separation and eventual dissipation of anything between us...

You showed me how I long to be loved.

I wasn't meant to be loved forever by you, but the way you loved me is what I hope for with someone else. Thank you for demonstrating how much a man should love a woman.

I may have left you, but I will never stop loving the memory of you...because the way you loved me, even though it didn't work out, is something I have searched for in every relationship I've had since. And it is something that I will always be grateful to you for.

Thank you for loving me. It truly altered the course of my life.