MARCH 2018
It's all messy:
the hair.
the bed.
the words.
the heart.
Life.
-William Leal
Oh man.
What a mess life can be at times.
When I look back over the past month, I definitely see snapshots of me, a total mess.
I've been a physical mess due to utter exhaustion.
I've been an emotional mess due to unforeseen chaos.
I've been a spiritual mess as I have asked God to make sense of all the things happening at once.
Yeah. Life is messy.
But life is also insanely wonderful.
And that brings me to the first major event that struck in the month of March:
I FOUND OUT THAT I GOT MY DREAM JOB.
There aren't enough words to adequately express how excited I am to be working at Bryan College in the fall. For the past 5 years, I've been entertaining the thought of returning to my alma mater and taking the place of my mentor, Bernie Belisle, after his retirement. It's been something I've had in my mind as my "impossible dream," one I wanted so badly that I was afraid to fully admit it to people. Only a few trusted souls knew how desperately I hoped for this dream to be fulfilled. And once the search process actually began, I was even more afraid...because now, it was real. Now, instead of just a hypothetical, it was a legitimate chance of being rejected and realizing I had to find another dream to take its place.
But God is so good. That's really all I can say.
He listened to me quietly whispering my fears and worries and flooded my heart with peace. Throughout the entire on-campus interview (which, by the way, was one of the most draining things I've ever experienced), I was honestly calm and confident. Sure, I had normal amounts of nerves...but compared to how I NORMALLY react to stressful experiences like that, I know without a doubt that He was walking beside me every step of the way.
As someone who grew up in church, you hear the phrase "If what you want is in line with God's will for you, He will always grant the desires of your heart." It's such a humbling moment when you realize that something you wanted so much was what God wanted for you too. What a wonderful feeling.
Song #1: Don't Give Up On Me, Illenium
***This song doesn't actually have any deep meaning to me getting my dream job...but when I heard it I had a beyond AWESOME idea for how to use it in my concept for Hamlet (which is one of my dream shows I want to direct), so I guess in a roundabout way it does have significance :)***
If you can teach 6th grade for 9 weeks and survive, you can teach college for life.
-Meg Puckett
The other major life event that occurred during March 2018 was me, teaching 6th grade.
Yeah, you heard me correctly. Almost everyone I've told has immediately raised their eyebrows and said, "You.....teaching kids? Shouldn't you know better?"
And in reality, I would agree with you. Kids are not my strong suit; they never have been. But in a whirlwind of events which I won't go into here, I found myself agreeing to become a 6th grade teacher for the last 9 weeks of the school year. It's a very small private school in my hometown...I only have 7 students. And they are all wonderfully unique and have their individual challenges. But every single day has been a total adventure and we're learning together. It's definitely not the job I would have EVER chosen for myself, but it gives me a purpose while I'm at home and keeps me extremely busy, which is a good thing. Plus I have some amazing stories from it...and you know me, I'm a sucker for a funny story about my life.
Song #2: Bridges Burn, NEEDTOBREATHE
It's time for moving on
There's some things you can't forget
It's sinking us like a stone
I just wanna bury it
I wanna watch all my bridges burn
Stand in the rain til the page is turned
Dance in the light of a lesson learned, lesson learned
I wanna leave everything that hurts
Never go back to the way we were
Set it on fire baby, watch it burn, watch it burn
Burn it all, set me free
And let the smoke blow on out to the sea
I need to find somewhere I can believe
I need to know there's a chance we can be
We must not be passive and allow joy to dissipate by looking backward at our sins and failures or forward at what might happen to us...In doing this, we place our hopes in the wrong thing, namely ourselves. It is our option to look to the greatness and goodness of God and what He will do in our lives.
-Dallas Willard
The reminder of March was filled with much more mundane, but no less meaningful, moments in my life.
We celebrated my mom's 62nd birthday.
We had unexpected snow days--three of them in fact--which provided a wonderful reprieve when we thought winter was over.
I've been moving forward with rehearsals for The Importance of Being Earnest, which opens in 2 weeks.
My family has been very busy with Easter services preparation at church, and this past week saw the fruits of that labor. I'm thankful that I was able to participate in them after so many years of being gone for the holiday.
But something that's stuck out has been random reconnections with people I've grown apart from. One such example: I went out with my 3 best friends from high school since we were all in town at the same time. Ever since I graduated in 2009, we've made a point to get together when we can, even though 2 are married and one lives out of town. It's a tradition I look forward to and appreciate that somehow we've managed to keep our bond intact over the years. However, we almost always go out to dinner and then a movie. But this time we randomly said "Why don't we go bowling?" And it was the most fun we've ever had. I hadn't laughed that much in a long time. Such a sweet memory for me for sure.
It's easy to find yourself, in those moments, saying "I wonder what life would have been like if I had stayed in touch better with this person, or if I had made a different choice in this particular situation." Everyone has those thoughts. I definitely have had them quite a lot over the past month. In these reconnections, I often ask myself what other life stories I could have instead of the one I'm living right now. But those questions usually only bring about anxiety and an overwhelming sense of despair, because you can't change the past and nothing you do now will affect it in any way. So I've been trying to let go of those thought patterns and instead, focus on the joy of the present and excitedly anticipate the future that's waiting for me in just a few short months. I have SO much to be joyful about. There's absolutely no reason to stay drudged in the past "what ifs" and "could have beens." It's taken me some time to get to that point--in all honesty, within the last week--but I'm finally looking at my life with a clarity I've been lacking. I'm so ready for what's next...whatever that looks like. I'm ready.
I see it in your eyes
You're seconds from destroying me...
Can't take another lie
Stop telling me who I should be
So I'm cold as stone
The only way I know
To keep my soul
And never let it show
So let me, let me out
I can't love you anymore
Let me, let me ou
I don't love you like before
Faith is what makes life bearable, with all its tragedies and ambiguities and sudden, startling joys.
-Madeleine L'Engle
And that pretty much wraps up the month of March. It's crazy to think that I've been living at home for almost 5 months now, and how much has happened in my life in that amount of time.
So much good.
So much crazy.
So much ridiculous.
So much anxiety.
The last thing I'm going to say is this:
I've stumbled across a song that literally calms my heart and removes my anxiety every time I listen to it.
I want to urge you to take the time to actually click on this link and listen to this song.
If you struggle with wondering what your future holds, if you have ever felt your thoughts spinning out of control and have been burdened with crippling anxiety, this song is for you.
Trust me.
It will speak to your soul, as it has to mine.
Song #4: P E A C E, Hillsong Young & Free
You will stay true
Even when the lies come
Your Word remains truth
Even when my thoughts don't line up
I will stand tall
On each promise You made
Let the rest fade away
There's a peace far beyond all understanding
May it ever set my heart at ease
Dare anxiety come, I'll remember
That peace is a promise You keep
You will stay true
Even in the chaos
Your Word remains truth
Even when my mind wreaks havoc
You are PEACE to a restless soul
PEACE when my thoughts wage war
PEACE to the anxious heart
That's who You are
You are PEACE when my fear takes hold
PEACE when I feel enclosed
PEACE when I lose control
That's who You are
I've found peace far beyond all understanding
Let it flow when my mind's under siege
All anxiety bows in the presence
of Jesus, the Keeper of Peace
and peace is a promise He keeps
