Weeks #41 and #42: A Whirlwind of Insanity.

My 2016

Week #41 and #42

Whirlwind of Insanity.

As I write this, I'm literally falling asleep because I'm so tired.

It feels like it should be the beginning of a weekend, not a Sunday night dreading Monday morning's arrival. 

I am totally failing at this whole "blog once a week for a year" thing, and it sucks because I was doing so well for so long...and also because so much has happened that I want to talk about.

But because it's so late, I'm so exhausted and I know I'm going to regret staying up to write...I'm just gonna say this. 

These last 14 days have been consumed with school. Like, I know I can be dramatic, but I have had more homework in the last 2 weeks than I EVER have before. Add some long Tartuffe rehearsals, a music gig I was hired to play for, and a early Saturday morning work call...and you can maybe understand why I feel like I'm sleepwalking right now. 

Last year, I was really good about getting 8 hours of sleep every night. (Looking back, I have no idea how I did that.) These past two weeks I've averaged maaaaaaaybe 3 1/2, 4 on a good night. 

My face is breaking out, my muscles ache constantly, and the bags under my eyes look like they've aged 65 years. It's been a little rough. 

But in the midst of all of this stress, confusion and overwhelming sleep deprivation, I've been able to have some truly beautiful moments with people here. 

Even though it was a lot of time outside of school that I didn't necessarily have, playing jazz music for my professor at a local beer festival was pretty freaking cool.

Spending some time with a friend I hadn't connected with yet this year was wonderful. We laughed until we cried and it was such a lovely reminder of the friendship we started building last year. 

My roommate and I had a long conversation and it was the first time in awhile that we both opened up about some things that needed to be talked through. Sometimes when you're with someone constantly you forget to have the deep talks, and I'm thankful that we can do that.

Like I said earlier, there's SO much more I want to write about.......literally so many things have happened lately. And I probably won't remember them for next time.

But I just dozed off again. So that's just not gonna happen tonight. 

My bad, guys. 

Here's hoping I actually write next week...

I'm kinda over these double-teamed blog posts. 

#lame 

Week #39 and #40: A Testimony of Grace.

My 2016

Week #39 and #40

A Testimony of Grace.

I honestly don't really know where to begin with this.

The past two weeks were some of the most difficult I've gone through in a long time.
(If you're interested in knowing all the nitty gritty details about that, go read my last post. It's a doozy.)

Needless to say, I'm better now. I'm still having moments (and probably will for awhile) where I feel inadequate, discouraged and unloved. But God's working on me, and my friends are surrounding me. I'm doing alright. I don't feel the need to put on a mask 24/7 and pretend everything's perfect, that I'm perfect, that my life is completely put together and everything is figured out. Cause contrary to my backwards beliefs...no one else has it together either. 

When I wrote my last blog post, I was a little worried that people would say things like, 

"Oh my gosh, can she be any more dramatic?"

"You know she just wrote this for attention."

"I can't believe she would write about a guy she likes on here. What if he reads it?"

I was afraid that the people who read the post would judge me for being that vulnerable. But I was so, so wrong. Within 30 minutes of posting, I had received countless FB messages, texts and emails from friends and colleagues, some of whom I hadn't spoken to in years. Their words of encouragement overwhelmed me to the point that (once again) I couldn't stop crying.

"You opened up your exterior shell in that post and shared the raw power of just some of the stuff going on inside with you and I am hurting from hearing your hurt. Even from 482 miles away, I want you to know I am sitting in my room now having the courage to sit and be honest with myself and cry out all the shit and joy inside of me. You continually prove to be one of the most fascinating and strong-hearted people I know which makes me love you more and more. Thank you for not sugar coating anything but also not swimming in self-pity. You are simply being shatteringly real in a paper maché world of fake masks."

"I understand how lonely grad life can be. How you feel like you'll never have a personal life because you're so buried under work all the time. Fight that loneliness. You will be so proud, boyfriend or not, at the end. Those of us who love you will be there cheering for you as you cross the finish line. God will not put you through what He cannot pull you through."

"Even if only 5 people read your blog post, that kind of honesty and authentic vulnerability is rare...I see my own insecurities reflected in your words."

"From the brief time I had with you [this summer], you showed more organization, more skill, more professionalism...more backbone, and more sense of humor than a lot of 'professionals' I know...You have the skills and more. Hang in there. You are worth it."

"Hey. So I love you. A lot. You are awesome. You are great at what you do. You are a wonderful friend and a great person. You are beautiful. You can make it through today. You can make it through this week. You can make it through this quarter. You can do it. I love you."

"My friend, Satan is a discourager and accuser and he will use every single opportunity to destroy you. You have so much talent. But when you stretch yourself, you're gonna struggle. You're doing a lot of new things this quarter. A new job. Teaching. These are things nobody is good at immediately. Keep your head up."

"You are...completely enough. You are a child of the Creator made to create for His glory! Made to love people with His love! Made to live out the passions and use the gifts He has given you! He walks before you in all things! You're an incredible person who cares deeply about your friends and will do anything for them...Anyone who doesn't recognize the gift of your friendship, let alone your affection, is missing out."

As I sat there, I realized that the Lord was using all of these people--both people I love deeply and people I barely know--to speak to me about His grace and His unwavering pursuit of me, whether I'm having a great day or I'm sobbing at my desk. God uses people in amazing ways. I have been in complete awe of that fact over the last two weeks.

And as I said, I'm really trying to remind myself daily that it's ok to be imperfect. It's ok to struggle.

I mean really. It is so easy to take God's grace for granted and to beat ourselves up because we keep failing at every turn. But His power is made perfect in our weaknesses! How can we say that out loud and not believe it, not be completely shattered by it? 

My failings, shortcomings, flaws, sinful tendencies, mistakes, and regrets--they all serve to perfect His power in me. 

So now, every day, I try to ask the Lord to hold me.

To hold me and my terribly screwed-up heart,

To hold me and my obsessive, perfectionist mind,

To hold me and my battered and bruised ego,

To hold me and my tear-stained dreams,

To hold me and my aching soul that longs for something more.

And He does. Oh, how He does. 

Here's to another week of constantly needing and constantly receiving grace...

And of letting perfection go.