MAY 2018
More than you see
the way things haven't worked out,
more than you see
the unwritten page of the chapter
you are anxious to complete,
see all around you the change that is happening.
See the way the leaves color and burn
and the many things in this season
you are going to learn,
because just as there are
a hundred unread books on the shelf
there are one hundred things
you do not yet know about yourself.
And that is okay.
In fact, it is supposed to be that way.
This is change.
And it is a beautiful thing.
You are still growing,
into who you are meant to be.
-Morgan Harper Nichols
the way things haven't worked out,
more than you see
the unwritten page of the chapter
you are anxious to complete,
see all around you the change that is happening.
See the way the leaves color and burn
and the many things in this season
you are going to learn,
because just as there are
a hundred unread books on the shelf
there are one hundred things
you do not yet know about yourself.
And that is okay.
In fact, it is supposed to be that way.
This is change.
And it is a beautiful thing.
You are still growing,
into who you are meant to be.
-Morgan Harper Nichols
Song #1: Seasons, Hillsong Worship
Like the frost on a rose
Winter comes for us all
How nature acquaints us
With the nature of patience
Like a seed in the snow
I've been buried to grow
For His promise is loyal
From seed to sequoia
And I know
Though the winter is long, even richer
the harvest it brings
Though my waiting prolongs, even greater
His promise for me, like a seed
I believe in my season to come
I can see the promise
I can see the future
You're the God of seasons
I'm just in the winter
If all I know of harvest
Is that it's worth my patience
Then if you're not done working
God, I'm not done waiting
***
***
May 2018 has had many wonderful moments:
-I turned 27.
-I traveled to Ruston, LA and got to see my grad school professors, my best friends and catch up with people I hadn't seen in far too long.
-I was able to help my person pack up her entire life and watch her move to New York to start an amazing career.
-I finished out my stint as a 6th grade teacher at Cornerstone Christian Academy.
-I traveled to NYC with my parents and was able to experience 3 incredible Broadway productions.
However, this post is going to be focused on one thing in particular: Seasons.
You see...I've known since May 1 what the title of this blog post was going to be.
That's because on May 1, I stumbled across a song (see above) that pretty much defined how I've tried to look at this entire month.
No, I take that back.
This song basically sums up how the last 6 months of my life have gone.
***
When you look at the whole story
and where you've been,
be grateful
for slow and steady growth.
Be grateful
for those moments in the morning
to sit and think
and sink into thoughts
in that very moment:
rest,
reflect,
remember
just how far
you've come,
and how your story
is not over.
and where you've been,
be grateful
for slow and steady growth.
Be grateful
for those moments in the morning
to sit and think
and sink into thoughts
in that very moment:
rest,
reflect,
remember
just how far
you've come,
and how your story
is not over.
-Morgan Harper Nichols
I'm twenty-two years old
Crazy that I stood here just five years ago
With the heat on my skin
And a lover who is now someone I don't know
Crazy how much my life has changed in just a year
There's people I've met, people I've left
And some that didn't make it here
You don't see it, when it's happening, happens over time
First you're laughing, then you're crying
Then you can't decide
My life's uncertain and sometimes strange
But one thing I've learned is it won't stay the same
Even in the darkness I'll be okay
The sun will come up, the seasons will change
***
Every single human life is made up of seasons.
Good seasons.
Bad seasons.
Seasons of joy.
Seasons of uncertainty.
Seasons of contentment.
Seasons of suffering.
Seasons of anticipation.
Seasons of loneliness.
Seasons of being surrounded by love and laughter.
Seasons of deep, deep hurt.
We experience them all at one point or another...without fail.
This is a tricky concept for someone who hates change to understand, much less accept.
(FYI, that's me. In case you didn't figure that out yet. I HATE change.)
So naturally, I've been starting to struggle with this particular season of my life coming to an end.
Which is ridiculous. Because this season has been one of the most difficult of my life. I don't say that to sound dramatic. It really has.
And May was a particularly challenging time.
***
It's time to let it go,
float high above the hills
where you can finally breathe
and you finally heal.
Let this be your farewell,
a story you can tell
of just how far you've come
and how much more there is to go.
So let it go,
where you can finally breathe
and you finally heal.
-Morgan Harper Nichols
***
I've been drowning inside you
While my love it just pours out
I've been running behind you
But enough is enough
Now don't come find me
I won't be here waiting
I so can do it alone
You're not worth staying
Weren't listening but now there's no way you won't hear
There's a voice emerging in the night so loud and clear
I'll turn it up like you turn me down, I'm not afraid
Hit play, hit play
It's the sound of walking away
***
Now don't come find me
I won't be here waiting
I so can do it alone
You're not worth staying
Weren't listening but now there's no way you won't hear
There's a voice emerging in the night so loud and clear
I'll turn it up like you turn me down, I'm not afraid
Hit play, hit play
It's the sound of walking away
***
I don't want to go into unnecessary detail, but I will say this:
The new position I have at Bryan College has been my dream for years now, and I still can't believe I'm going to be there in the fall.
But in order to give me what my heart desired most, I think the Lord had to make sure I was going to be the person He needs me to be there.
As a result, God has slowly but surely been purging my life of elements that were distracting me, holding me back, or leading me in the wrong direction.
Over the past month I have had to walk away from several things (including people) that were keeping me from moving forward into this new season.
It has been a month of ridiculously hard goodbyes. Goodbyes I didn't know I would have to say, and goodbyes that I begged Him to prevent.
But He didn't.
And I know it will be quite some time before I'm truly at peace with the decisions I've had to make.
But in order to give me what my heart desired most, I think the Lord had to make sure I was going to be the person He needs me to be there.
As a result, God has slowly but surely been purging my life of elements that were distracting me, holding me back, or leading me in the wrong direction.
Over the past month I have had to walk away from several things (including people) that were keeping me from moving forward into this new season.
It has been a month of ridiculously hard goodbyes. Goodbyes I didn't know I would have to say, and goodbyes that I begged Him to prevent.
But He didn't.
And I know it will be quite some time before I'm truly at peace with the decisions I've had to make.
***
Things will look different now
for your soul's been changed for good,
and you will not fall apart
even though you thought you would.
For even though
you do not feel
as strong as you used to be
you are finding hope,
for this new season
is exactly what you need.
-Morgan Harper Nichols
***
It's difficult. And I struggle. A lot.
I struggle because ultimately, I believe in a God who specializes in restoring broken hearts, repairing broken people, and redeeming broken relationships.
So I can't help but wonder why in my life, it seems like the opposite is happening everywhere I look.
But I have to rest in what I know to be true about God.
The reconciliation or restoration may not be done in the way I want, or in the time I think is appropriate.
And to be honest, just because it has taken place in the other person's life doesn't mean I will ever know about it personally. But I have no doubt that it is possible.
So, even through painful goodbyes and hurtful endings, I'm taking heart in my confidence that the Lord can redeem what's been broken, as He sees fit.
One day.
I struggle because ultimately, I believe in a God who specializes in restoring broken hearts, repairing broken people, and redeeming broken relationships.
So I can't help but wonder why in my life, it seems like the opposite is happening everywhere I look.
But I have to rest in what I know to be true about God.
The reconciliation or restoration may not be done in the way I want, or in the time I think is appropriate.
And to be honest, just because it has taken place in the other person's life doesn't mean I will ever know about it personally. But I have no doubt that it is possible.
So, even through painful goodbyes and hurtful endings, I'm taking heart in my confidence that the Lord can redeem what's been broken, as He sees fit.
One day.
***
Beware of the tendency of asking the way when you know it perfectly well.
Take the initiative, stop hesitating, and take the first step.
Be resolute when God speaks, act in faith immediately on what He says,
and never revise your decisions.
If you hesitate when God tells you to do a thing, you endanger your standing in grace.
Take the initiative, take it yourself,
take the step with your will now,
make it impossible to go back.
Burn your bridges behind you...
Make the thing inevitable.
-Oswald Chambers
***
Take the initiative, stop hesitating, and take the first step.
Be resolute when God speaks, act in faith immediately on what He says,
and never revise your decisions.
If you hesitate when God tells you to do a thing, you endanger your standing in grace.
Take the initiative, take it yourself,
take the step with your will now,
make it impossible to go back.
Burn your bridges behind you...
Make the thing inevitable.
-Oswald Chambers
***
Song #4: Anywhere But Here, Sick Puppies
I held onto you for as long as I could
But today, you fell away
Now what I hold are the memories we barely made
What I believed to be true
It was only a dream that lived in me...
I self medicated my way
Through this mess that we made
So I could stay, there was nothing but I waited, I waited
This was my mistake
Broken are plans we made
So I will be traveling any place
Cause anywhere's better than
Here we rest in peace
Rubble beneath my feet
I shouldn't have followed you anywhere
Cause anywhere's better than here
***
It's strange to think that the past 6 months--all of the uncertainty, the loneliness, the constant wondering why I was here--has led up to this moment. This season of my life has definitely been one of waiting. I have been waiting on God to open up the door to my future, and......boy, has He.
The door has been flung wide open, with no question of where He wants me to go from here.
This season has had so many valleys, and so many challenges, but I can look back and see all of the growth that has taken place.
And I suppose that's really why life comes and goes this way...
So we can trace His hand through each season and live in constant gratitude for His protection, provision and guidance.
I'm sad to see aspects of my life here come to an end, but I am beyond excited to jump into the amazing future that's unfolding before me. A brand-new season, full of potential and untold stories waiting to be lived out.
*deep breath*
Ok. Here we go.
And I suppose that's really why life comes and goes this way...
So we can trace His hand through each season and live in constant gratitude for His protection, provision and guidance.
I'm sad to see aspects of my life here come to an end, but I am beyond excited to jump into the amazing future that's unfolding before me. A brand-new season, full of potential and untold stories waiting to be lived out.
*deep breath*
Ok. Here we go.
Hear the wind as it howls around you
over the ridges and into the valley
where you stand in the drying weeds,
with a sense of new days coming.
See the setting sun
turning barren lands
into rows of endless yellow
that now has you thinking,
maybe a change of a season
is more than sorrow,
but a leap, a promise
for hope
tomorrow.
-Morgan Harper Nichols
