2014: A Year of Struggle, Success & Surrender.

When I started working on this blog a few days ago, I was combing through all of my pictures, Facebook statuses, tweets, Instagram posts...trying to find details from my year to compile an excellent summary of what I did over the last 12 months. But when I finished, I looked at it and realized that it was the worst possible representation of my life for the past year.

Cause, if I'm honest, 2014 has been a hard year for me. Probably the most difficult year I've had yet in my oh-so-short-but-quickly-getting-longer life. But through the past 12 months, I have learned so much about myself, about the Lord, and about life in general. And looking back with a perspective of what each month taught me and the people/events/words that were used to help me along the way provides a much more encouraging and satisfying summary. So while it may not be as amusing or lighthearted, here's my 2014.


January:

"Better things are ahead than any we leave behind.

Let the sun set so a new one will rise; but always remember our time."

-Jane Marczewski

January was a month of painful adjustment and letting go of everything I'd known for the past 4 1/2 years. Leaving Bryan was honestly one of the most difficult things I've ever experienced, and I'd be lying if I said I still don't struggle at times. Add a painful loss of a relationship, and the separation was even harder to work through. However, through this incredibly trying time, God taught me so much about leaning on Him and going to Him first when I needed to cry/complain/vent about anything. He truly was my Best Friend...and as awful as it was to experience, it is also full of sweet spiritual memories for me.

I attended Passion Conference in Atlanta, which was amazing and exactly what I needed at the time.

So glad I was at Passion with two of my very best friends.

I also made my first trip to Bryan as an official alum, and it served as a beautiful reminder that even though I may not be a student anymore, there were still many people there who love and care deeply about me.

February:

"You silly little girl,

you think you've survived so long

that survival shouldn't hurt anymore.

You keep trying to turn your body

bullet-proof. You keep trying to turn your heart

bomb shelter. Stop, darling.

You are soft and alive.

You bruise and heal. Cherish it.

It is what you were born to do.

Come now, you promised yourself.

You promised you'd live through this."

-Clementine von Radics

February found me, sadly, still struggling. Majorly. It was a huge battle between my desperate need to have the next step of my life figured out and God's desire to have me trust Him through the uncertainty. And let me tell you, it was quite a fight. I remember one day I actually just sat on the kitchen floor and cried because I was so overwhelmed with the monotony of my life and the fear of never moving on or ever doing anything of consequence. But during this month, I had many gentle reminders that instead of focusing on what's next, I should be living in the here and now...and trying my best to find the valuable moments and lessons from this time. It was very good advice. So I made more of an effort to reconnect with old friends, to have a social life again at home, and to try VERY hard not to panic...as much. ;)

I watched the Superbowl with some friends...Remember when Mr. B was at the Superbowl?

#goodtimes 

Then we had that HUGE snow.

Valentine's Day dinner with some of my favorite women.

Yeah, we ate chocolate pie out of carry out boxes. 

Trip to Bryan to see Pirates of Penzance AND my best friends Michelle and Kelly.

March:

"The act of trusting is the suspension of retaliation, having faith that God will deal with the situation in His time."

-Rusty Small

March found me taking a break from all forms of social media (for various reasons) and desperately trying to decide whether or not I should move to Knoxville in the fall. I knew I wasn't finding a job in Appomattox, and living at home was not going to be an ideal long-term situation. But moving out on my own seemed scary and risky, to say the least. I had no idea what the right decision was. I felt so out of place, so lost. One of my best friends got married, which was wonderful...but I sat there watching it happen and couldn't help thinking "Man, I wish my life was as simple as that." However, quite a bit of growing took place in these four weeks as I bravely searched for clarity in every aspect of my life, including the relationship that had dissolved in January. The result was painful and not what I had been hoping or praying for, but from that resolution I was finally able to let go and take the first shaky step forward.

(I also had a few funny experiences during March that are just too wonderful not to share.)

My church put on a murder mystery dinner! So much fun.

April:

"Alexis...Others' actions don't define who you are. Nor do their actions reflect a true mirror to see yourself through. As cliche as it sounds, you and everyone is only worthy because of God's sacrifice for us. As abstract as it feels and as foreign as it is, the need to see your own identity and worth in Jesus, His pure undefiled righteousness, is huge to our faith. Huge to our own self-esteem. The things of this world no longer matter. Persecution, suffering, sadness, joy, anger, betrayal. Count it all joy."

-Naomi Martin

On Facebook, the photo album I made for April was called The Month Where Spring Came (For My Soul). And it was so true. My former roommate Emilie came to spend a weekend in Virginia with me, and just having a few days with her refreshed my outlook on life in a tremendous way. I spent more time in Knoxville job hunting, where I was tentatively hired by a performing arts academy to teach piano in the fall. This was crazy exciting, but also rather intimidating. I still hadn't decided for sure about moving, but the job offer seemed like a pretty firm confirmation. I was able to celebrate Easter with my home church family for the first time in 5 years, which was an amazing experience. And finally, God used a weekend at Bryan to remind me that He has placed a few incredible men in my path over the years to love me, counsel me, and support me when I am lonely, discouraged and afraid. Their friendships are constant and strong, and I couldn't be more grateful for them.

Emilie and I had a photoshoot...she's so beautiful. <3

Happy Easter from the LBC staff.

May:

"Trust your lives to the God who created you, for He will never fail you."

-1 Peter 4:19

I turned 23 and quickly realized that with each passing year, birthdays mean less. Then I travelled to Bryan to see some of my closest friends graduate, and realized that it had been an entire year since I myself graduated. Surprisingly, it was a very painful realization. And I found something I wrote in my journal that day that adequately sums up my feelings during that time.

"I wish I could just have a glimpse of the future--a snapshot of where I will be at this moment a year from now. I just want to know that I'm content, and feeling that life has a purpose. I want to know that I won't be struggling and hurting and living in the past. Can I please be happy? This time has ended so unlike I anticipated or hoped. Is it wrong for me to selfishly hope that on May 10, 2015, I will be completely satisfied and joyful at where my life has gone? I don't want to feel like this any longer."

Aside from being a tad dramatic, there you have it. The remainder of the month was spent agonizing over the question of the year: to move or not to move. And finally, on May 22, I decided to take a huge leap of faith and move to Knoxville after returning from my summer job. As relieving as it was to finally make a decision, I immediately felt terrified and paralyzed by fear of failure. Of not being a "good" adult. Of sucking at my job. Of not making enough money. And suddenly being a grownup didn't sound so appealing.

But I didn't have much time to think about it, because at the end of May I left on my summer engagement with Frick and Frack Music as an accompanist and staff member. It ended up being 11 weeks of experiences I'll never forget.

If you want the full graduation story, ask me. It's a good one.

June:

"God's faithfulness is proved not by the elimination of hardships but by carrying us through them. Change is not the absence of struggles; change is the freedom to choose holiness in the midst of our struggles."

-Christopher Yuan

The entire month of June was comprised of traveling, 4 weeks of camp, air mattresses, and making new friends along the way. I was constantly having to adapt and adjust to whatever life threw at us, which was a good lesson for me to learn. I also was able to read a TON, and almost every book I read had a deep impact on me. "Out of a Far Country" by Christopher Yuan reignited my passion for homosexual ministry. "What's So Amazing About Grace?" by Philip Yancey convicted me to my core about how I practice forgiveness in my daily interactions. God was definitely teaching me a lot through this month, and I'm so grateful for the wisdom I took away from it. I also experienced the deep sorrow of being too far away to comfort a hurting friend whose mother passed away. I had never before been in that place...a place where you want so badly to be there for them and you just...can't. The pain is so strong and there's really nothing that absolves it. I sincerely hope I never have to feel that way again.

July:

"Trust not joy

that is layered not

with sorrow.

Only when we ache

do we

appreciate."

-Tyler Knott Gregson

July was another month of my summer tour. And on July 1, I met Trent Tyson...who proceeded to brighten my life in a thousand ways. He quickly became my best friend on tour and we clicked in a way I just can't describe. God definitely sent him to me at just the right time (doesn't He always?), and I am so thankful for the 5 weeks we had together. At this point in tour, tensions were high, exhaustion was taking its toll and our cohesiveness as a group was starting to unravel. But Trent provided me with the companionship, the encouragement and the stability I needed to keep going. During July, I learned that God's timing is perfect in everything, literally, and that He can use the most mundane things to change your life forever.

August:

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God,

for my hope is in Him.

He alone is my rock and salvation,

my fortress where I will not be shaken.

My history and honor come from God alone.

He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.

O my people, trust in Him at all times.

Pour out your hearts to Him,

for God is our refuge."

-Psalm 62:5-8

August was an insane month. The passage of scripture above perfectly describes what I was feeling at the time. Summer tour ended, and with it came difficult goodbyes. 

Sidenote: I absolutely despise goodbyes. They're so depressing and final and awful in every way.

Anyway...I arrived home and had exactly one week to get everything packed for Knoxville. One week to put my life of 16 years into boxes and start over in a new place. To make things even more dramatic, I found out a few days before moving that the studio I was supposed to be teaching piano at had NO students for me. Which meant that now, I was moving to Knoxville with no guarantee of a job or of an income. And all I could think was, "This is going to be that time in my life where I look back and say that I trusted the Lord with everything in me." But really. 

Time to move...

We're here and we're roommates again at last! :)

September:

"And sometimes, I think that I'm not any good at all

And sometimes, I wonder why, why I'm even here at all

But then you assure me:

I'm a little more than useless

When I think that I can't do this

You promise me that I'll get through this

And do something right, do something right for once."

-Relient K

September began as a month of panic and worry. I had been living in Knoxville for almost 4 weeks and still hadn't acquired a job. I knew I needed to trust more...but I was forgetting how to do that. However, God is so great about using little things to remind me of His constant presence in my life, and of His daily provision for me. One such thing was a visit from my lifelong best friend, during which we were able to see Relient K in concert! It was so fun and exactly what I needed to get my mind off of all things job related. And a few days after she went home...I had a job interview with Chickfila, where I was so blessed to be hired. It definitely wasn't what I had thought I would be doing, but I was grateful for the opportunity and for the paycheck. :) Things were starting to look up.

October:

"Hold onto the past as long as you have to...but grab onto the future as soon as you are able."

-Gene Mims

October is my favorite month of the year. Always has been. I love the idea of nature turning its brightest and most beautiful as it gradually surrenders to the coming change of season. And that's what this month ended up being for me, in a way. I attended Bryan College's Homecoming (my first one as an actual alum) and it was a beautiful weekend surrounded by friends who were in the same situation as me. I wasn't the only person who missed that place, and it was comforting to realize I'm not a freak for loving my alma mater. For that weekend, I was able to hold on to my past and to cherish it. For the remainder of October, I spent a great deal of time with friends; Emilie and I had several people come to stay with us for weekends, and we also travelled to be with them. I will never cease to be amazed at how many deep, meaningful friendships God has blessed me with. So many people are in my life that I consider to be lifelong, genuinely intimate friends. And I will never stop being overwhelmed by their love for me. It is truly amazing.

November:

"I take hope in Jesus' scars...I can hope that the tears we shed, the blows we receive, the emotional pain, the heartache over lost friends and loved ones, all these will become memories, like Jesus' scars. Scars never completely go away, but neither do they hurt any longer."

-Philip Yancey

Oh, how well this quote describes my November. This particular month was a tough one...mainly because this particular month a year ago was full of memories and events that are now painful to remember. And I'm the type of person that records every event in my life...therefore making it impossible to forget anything, both good and bad. However, I was able to drive home to be with my parents twice this month, and that was such a good thing for me. I didn't realize how much I missed them until I was there again. Leaving them to go back to Knoxville made my heart ache each time, and I wonder even now if it will ever get easier. On a lighter note, one of my very best friends got engaged, and he asked me to be in his wedding party in May. This was definitely the highlight of my month, cause we haven't been close friends for very long and to be in his party is a huge honor. :) I also had my first "wreck," if you can call rolling down a hill into a thicket a wreck. Thankfully only my license plate broke off, but it was still an...interesting experience. 

December:

"The table is set and our glasses are full;

Though pieces go missing, may we still feel whole.

We'll build new traditions in place of the old--

cause life without revision will silence our souls.

Let our bells keep on ringing,

making angels in the snow;

May the melody disarm us

When the cracks begin to show.

Like the petals in our pockets,

May we remember who we are:

Unconditionally cared for

By those who share our broken hearts."

-Sleeping at Last

December...realizing that an entire year is almost over and gone. Realizing that 12 months have gone by, and you have lived every single day in between. Realizing that soon, every experience in 2014 will be just a distant memory. 

This month was spent in Christmas mode: going to concerts, decorating our apartment, buying presents, and looking forward to a break with my family. And being at home did not disappoint. I was able to relax, watch Christmas movies, play the piano, see old friends, and simply bask in the glow of the holiday emotions that always surface around that time. It was a wonderful way to end this year, and now I can truthfully say that I am excited to see what the next 12 months hold for me. I honestly (and selfishly) hope that it will not be quite as challenging or as painful as 2014 has been...but no matter what happens, I know that it will be for a reason, it will teach me something valuable, and I will not be alone.

So, to conclude, this year has been a tough one. It started with having my heart broken in several ways. It seemed to get worse with no sense of purpose, direction or clarity. But God has been so good to me. He held my hand for every shaky step and listened to me cry and complain every day. Through the year, He showed me that life is full of possibility and the future is so much more wonderful than I could ever imagine. All I need to do is trust...and obey.

Here's to a new year with new lessons to be learned and new memories to be made.

The stressedaboutgradschoolandmyfutureblogpostthatdoesntmakesenseatall Post.

Have you ever had one of those days where everything's going great, and then all of a sudden you're checking your oil in your car with your dad and you have a meltdown about your life?

No? Well, I did.

Today.

You have to understand some things.

1) I desperately want to go to grad school...to obtain my MFA in Acting....so I can do something with my life.

2) I have an audition with the Theatre department at UT on January 16.

3) This is a really big deal.


You also have to understand that ever since I graduated from Bryan (a year ago), everything in my life has been looking towards me going to grad school. Somewhere. Somehow. The main reason I moved to Knoxville was so I could work, save up money, and audition....for grad school. That's always been the goal. I've had no other goal. Ever.

So I get this audition, and it's really awesome because it's the first step in the right direction. Things are actually going to happen. And that's completely terrifying.

I've been at home for the past week, spending the holidays with my family, and while I was here I had my headshots taken, updated my resume, even selected monologues for my audition. But suddenly it hit me.

What if I don't get in?

And not just at UT. I'm applying to 3 other schools as well. What if I don't get accepted at any of them? What if I'm not good enough?

Ok. What's my plan B?

And I realized....I don't have one.

Even my parents have not been helping the situation. They sent out a newsletter with Christmas cards, and in my paragraph it said "Please pray that Alexis will be accepted into this prestigious program." Not, "Please pray that Alexis will figure out what the next step in her life looks like and that she will follow God, wherever that step leads." Nope, apparently grad school is the beginning, or end, of everything.

I know that's not what they meant. But that's what it made me feel. Then, today, while checking my oil, I asked my dad if I was staying on their health insurance another year or not. He said, "Well, next year you'll be in school, so it won't matter."

And it was all I could do not to scream "YOU DON'T KNOW THAT."

It's like everyone is assuming that I'm going to get in, going to get a degree, going to get it all.

Except I honestly have no idea if that's even remotely a possibility.

And if it doesn't happen........what am I going to do?

No clue.

What I do know is that I cannot continue to do what I'm doing now. The only way I'm getting through day after day is to tell myself, "This isn't forever. This is temporary. You're working here, doing this, because you have to make it to where you really want to be. You have to do this so you can eventually get the job you've dreamed of having."

But what if it turns out I can't have that job, that I can't have that career? What if it turns out I'm not enough?

I literally have no other options. And it's scaring the hope out of me.

My dad said, "You can look for another job. You don't have to settle for anything." But here's the thing: If I'm not allowed to follow my dreams, to pursue my passions...then wouldn't I be settling no matter what I was doing? Anything less than my dream is settling, is it not?

Ugh.

I was talking with a friend last night about how you're brought up, all your life, to think that once you finish college and are out in the real world, you'll somehow have a wonderful job in your field of interest and life will be super exciting and amazing and you'll do incredible things.

Except that doesn't really seem to happen.

If this whole grad school thing doesn't work out, what am I going to do that brings me fulfillment and is something that I want to get up every day to do? I honestly can't think of a single thing that brings me as much joy as theatre does. So does that mean that the rest of my life (without theatre) will be a little bit...less wonderful than it could have been? Am I meant to live a life of halfway happiness?

I just don't know what the answer is. I can't think that God would ever design our lives to be less than amazing or boring. I can't imagine that He would give me such passion and zeal for something, only to dangle it before me, always just out of my reach forever.

But right now, at this moment, I'm terrified that one day soon I will wake up and realize that this is it. The life I have right now....there's no "what's next." This is the next.

I don't know if I can live with that.

Honorable Humility.

I know it's been a while since I've written anything here. And to be honest...I've wanted to. I really have. But the things that I've had to say have been pretty dark and depressing. I realize that this is my blog and who even cares what I write; but I've been told that my posts are encouraging and helpful to many people. So I hesitate to put every single thought I have on here, if only to save a few poor souls from being thrown into the abyss that is my mind of late.

However, over the past few weeks my emotions (and therefore my words) have been slowly boiling towards the surface of my mind, and today they finally spilled over into coherent thoughts. I was sitting on the couch in my apartment, reading my Bible and journaling a letter to God (I believe I've mentioned in the past that writing letters to the Lord is how I pray.) Anyway, this month I've been reading the book of James, and as most Bible-readers know, James 3 is one of the most convicting chapters in the Word. I mean, really. It's a tongue-lashing (hehe, punny) on the tongue...and how destructive our words can be to our lives. It's a passage that everyone knows and tends to avoid.

So today, I read through that section, felt appropriately convicted, and then continued on to the next paragraph, James 3:13-15. I've read it several times already, but for some reason the words jumped out at me today.

"If you are wise and understand God's ways, prove it by living an honorable life..."

I read the words over a few times, trying to process what the main point was. And it suddenly hit me.

What does an honorable life look like? I'm not sure I even know the answer to that question. I admit that my immediate preconceived notion of an honorable person tends to be someone famous, someone who has lived an incredible life full of serving and helping others, someone who has made a huge impact on the world and who is in history books as someone worth studying, worth knowing about, worth remembering. Someone like (in the evangelical world) Billy Graham, Mother Teresa, or Elisabeth Elliot. There are even people in my life today that I would label as honorable: my father, my pastor, several college professors...all of which have accomplished great things in their lives and have something to show for the years that they have lived.

You probably can sense where this is going. For the past few weeks, I have really been struggling with feeling...useless. Now don't get me wrong here. I'm happy to be in Knoxville, happy to be living on my own, happy to have a job where the environment is pleasant and the people are nice. I'm incredibly thankful. But this isn't what I had imagined. I mean honestly. I would not have moved here to work at Chick-fil-a. That wasn't the plan. None of what my life is right now feels like I thought it would be. And I find myself asking if this is really what life is? I'm done with college. Grad school is a possibility, but if that doesn't work out...am I really just going to work a day job for the rest of my life? I can't even bear the thought. At the risk of sounding cocky, am I not meant for more than this? Surely all those years spent pursuing other dreams were not wasted for a life of...well, to be painfully honest, drudgery.

There. I said it. I feel like my life is a drudgery. Which seems to me to be the farthest thing from honorable that you can get.

Ok. Well, keep reading. Cause James does not end that sentence there.

"If you are wise and understand God's ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom."

....Humility.

As hard as it is for me to admit, I'm struggling with humility right now.

You see, all throughout my childhood, teenage years, high school and college, I was always the center of attention. Sometimes I hated it--being a minister's daughter put me constantly under scrutiny and I longed for the anonymity of my friends and the freedom to make mistakes. But for the most part, I was accustomed to being before an audience, performing for a crowd, always preparing for the next show or performance...whether that be on an actual stage or just in front of my church family. (That's another topic for another time.)

But now, I'm working in a job where I'm not the focus, where I don't stand out, and where nobody gives a second thought to what I'm doing or what I'm good at or what my dreams are.

And it's terribly difficult. But I'm beginning to think that this is why God put me here. To learn humility. To become humble so that He can work through me. "He must become greater; I must become less."

James goes on....as if this wasn't already convicting enough.

"But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don't cover up the truth with boasting and lying. For jealousy and selfishness are not God's kind of wisdom."

Ouch.

Lately, I have often found myself listening to, and consequently envying, other people talk about their plans, their careers, or their futures. You have no idea how many friends I have either beginning new dating relationships, becoming engaged, or getting married. And yes, my previous posts are still correct in that area--I have no desire to be in a relationship or be married at ALL--but what I envy is not the relationship...it's the knowing what's next. I'm surrounded by people that know what the next step is, whether that be school, a new job, starting a family...and here I am, silently screaming "Why is it so easy for you?!"

When I graduated high school, countless people told me, "Alexis, you're going to do great things. You're going to live an incredible life, and I can't wait to see how you impact the world. You're so talented and gifted and God's going to use you in amazing ways."

I believed them. And yet, my life feels anything but incredible. I'm not impacting the world. I'm barely impacting anyone. I'm not using my talents...I'm wiping tables and handing food to customers. How is God using me when I feel like nothing I'm doing matters in the least?

But I have to start reminding myself that being jealous of others' futures is not of God, and it will get me nowhere in life. Complaining about my job will not make my life any better, and it definitely won't get me where I want to be.

I know these things. But it's just so hard.

There's a song that was sung at Passion this past year, and there's a line in the lyrics that I love.

I don't want to live outside Your ways

I don't want to miss Your heart for me 

How true. I don't want to miss the Lord's heart for me. And I'm terrified of just that.

So here's to looking for God's hand in my everyday life, whether that be as I pick up trash and wipe down tables, or while I'm sitting in my apartment alone doing absolutely nothing. Here's to seeking His heart for me so that I make sure I never miss it.

Even when the next step is a giant blur.

The Struggle is Real.

Reader, I'm struggling. And it feels so stupid. But it won't go away.

So here's the short version. Believe me, you'll be glad I didn't write you the novel.

This weekend (actually, just half of Saturday and half of today) I was up at Bryan College once again, to see a few of my friends in the fall play. It was fantastic, and although the visit was brief, I got to see everyone I wanted to (with the exception of one professor).

Today, one of my friends and I went to Sonic, and while we were sitting there, she randomly asked me how I was doing with regards to a specific situation in my life. This situation happened months ago...in fact, it's been close to a year now. And since she's one of my best friends, like a sister to me, I answered her truthfully. Which basically boiled down to, "I'm okay most of the time. I have my moments, but for the most part I'm good. I wish things were different, sure, but they're not, and that's okay. It's all okay." And we talked a bit more about it, but the conversation moved on, which was fine.

However, for the remainder of the day...as I was driving home, as I was putting my things away, as I was going about my business in my room...I felt this heaviness weighing down on me. Ever since that conversation, I felt like I had been thrown back into the past and emotions/feelings/hurts that I had genuinely tried to put behind me from that situation were boiling over once again. From that one simple question, I found myself reliving conversations, moments, and events that should not be relived (for many reasons, one of the first being for my sanity's sake). Try as I might, I could not shake the sorrow. It was deep, and it was real. And I openly wallowed in it. I delved into the memories and let them wash over me.

And all of this was from a simple, sweet "How are you doing with that?"

Apparently...not okay.

But here's the thing, people. I AM doing okay. I really am. Just like my response to my friend, I'm good 90% of the time. Which is a heck of a lot better than I would have replied 6 months ago. So why the sudden backslide?

Because, believe me when I say that I am beyond ready to move past this. I am SO ready.

So my struggle is this: If I honestly want to move on from something...if I know it's time, if I know I need to...why can't I do it? Why does one simple question asked by someone who cares about my progress proceed to make me backtrack through all of the pain and emotional trauma I have worked daily to put aside?

I literally don't get it. And I'm beyond frustrated. It makes me feel like an adolescent once again; like I'm creating drama out of situations that don't even exist any longer. Like I'm desperately grasping for any remnant of the memory so I won't ever lose it completely.

Except...I want to move on. I want to let go. I want to be able to look back and only see the lesson learned--instead of also seeing every single detail of everything I so badly need to forget.

I don't have a solution. I don't have some revelation from a sermon or Bible verse. This is something I am seriously struggling with, and I'm so tired of it. But apparently, being weary of a struggle doesn't magically make it disappear. Wishing you were past the pain doesn't make it so.

So what does?

I'm waiting for an answer.

Into the Storm.

This morning I woke up fairly late, having one of the most exhausting weeks I've had in a very long time. I realized that in about 20 minutes, my church back home in Virginia would be live streaming their 11:00 service. I also remembered that is was Homecoming Sunday, which is a big deal in our congregation. We have an enormous choir that sings, my dad usually hires a string orchestra to accompany the music, and we normally invite a former pastor to come back and speak. We're Southern Baptists, so obviously there's food. :) It's one of my favorite times of the year. So I decided to sit down and worship with my church family from afar…and I'm so glad I did, because it was honestly one of the most moving services I've witnessed in awhile.

One of our former pastors, Gene Mims, stood up to speak, and every single word in his message felt like it was written for me.

He begins to talk, and one of the first statements he makes is this.

"Hold on to the past as long as you need to, but grab on to the future as soon as you are able."

That sentence is so incredibly comforting to me. Sometimes I think that we push the idea of "getting over" our hurt and "moving on" past the grief too quickly. We experience a particularly painful breakup. A family member dies unexpectedly. A valued relationship is cut off with no explanation. A child turns away from his family. Terrible things happen in this world; it's a given. But why do we feel the need to get over it as quickly as possible? Grief is necessary. Pain is normal. Sadness is expected. And it's okay to still feel negative emotions about painful moments in our lives…even if they happened weeks, months, years ago. 

I can so relate to this struggle. I look at my life, the past…oh, I don't know, 5 or 6 years…and I could make you a list of the things that have hurt me. Losing my best friend in high school. Having my heart broken in college. Giving up on my dream for a musical career. Solid friendships one day being completely dissolved the next with no explanation or hope of reconciliation. Family members dying with no hope of seeing them in eternity. Watching people you love so deeply move away from you and seem happier and better off because of it. SO many things. And as I read over that list, I came to realize that I am still holding on to many of these instances in some way. The hurt is still felt, the pain is still present. 

And I feel guilty, as if I've done something terribly wrong. Just last night, I asked a friend if I was being "pathetic" for still feeling hurt and saddened about a particular circumstance that occurred almost a year ago. He said, "I don't think you're pathetic. I think…everyone heals at their own speed. It's not right for anyone to tell you what that should be." Which is true. I just wish everyone felt that way.

***

The text he used for his message was Matthew 14: 22-29…the story of Jesus walking on the water. However, instead of delivering the usual "God performs another miracle" angle, he proceeded to use this story to emphasize how God uses the storms in our lives to bring us to Him.

Oh boy.

I could give you the 3 point outline of his message, but that's not what stood out to me. I could give you the specific examples he used to prove his points, but it doesn't really matter. What I do want to tell you is what he said at the very end.

In the story of Jesus walking on the water, Peter eventually calls out to Him and says, "If it's really You, tell me to come over there to where You are." Jesus tells him to come, and he immediately steps out onto the water and begins to walk over to Jesus. You see, Peter realized that being with Jesus on the water in the midst of the storm was far better than being in a boat with the disciples…but here's the key.

Jesus did not walk over to to grab Peter's hand and pull him out of the boat. Peter had to take the first step. He had to step out…onto the waves, into the storm…in order to be where Jesus was, to be with Him. 

Gene Mims explained that we often have this plan for our life: 

What we want to do as a career,

Who we want to marry,

How many kids we'll have,

Where we'll live,

What kind of legacy we want to leave behind…

And we look over at Jesus and say "Come over here and be with me as I do all of these things! I need You with me so I can succeed…so come here." And we expect Jesus to walk over to where we are and walk along beside us on OUR path, OUR way. 

When in reality, we must go where Jesus is.

We must step out of the boat, step onto the waves, step into the storm raging around us...and join Him on His path for us. 

Where in Scripture does it ever show Jesus saying, "Oh, I'll just go wherever you're headed." 

Never. 

In every single circumstance, Jesus walks by, stops, says, "Come with me," and then continues on, either with the desired follower by His side, or alone. 

He doesn't make exceptions. He doesn't fail to lead. He doesn't waver and say "Fine, we can go your way for a bit." No…He invites us to accompany Him on His road, and then leaves the decision up to us.

Gene Mims challenged us to ask ourselves, "Am I expecting Jesus to come to me, or am I giving up my plan for my life and walking across the storms of this life to where He is?" 

Needless to say, it was deeply convicting.

So, to conclude, I realized today that it's not a sin to hold on to the past. It's not pathetic to still grieve and hurt over things that happened long ago. It's not wrong to remember what used to be.

But even more importantly, I realized that every storm in my life is an opportunity for me to step out onto the waves of pain, loneliness and heartache…and to walk across the water to where Jesus waits with hand outstretched. He holds out the promise of a future unimaginable…

And when I'm ready, all I have to do is grab on.

The One Thing God Can't Do.

So, this past weekend I drove up to Bryan College with my roommate and spent a few days there. It was great to see friends that I miss dearly, to catch up with professors that I love so much. I was able to see some old friends from college perform again on Friday night, and also had some time to spare for myself…which is rare on these weekend getaways. Usually, I am running around like crazy, trying to make sure I see everyone and have adequate time with each person that is on my "list."

However, on Sunday morning, I woke up and made a random decision to drive to Hixson, where I knew there would be a Starbucks. It was about 25 minutes away, and when I got there, I sat down with my hot chocolate (I know, I'm a sad excuse for a coffee drinker) and a scone…and opened my Bible. My current plan for Bible reading involves selecting a book to read for a month. I read it over and over again, hoping that eventually the words will sink deep into my memory and pop up when I need them most. The book for this month has been 2 Timothy, and every time I read it I am absolutely blown away. It's just crazy.

So today, in this blog, I want to simply share with the few people who actually read this what I've been reading lately, and what I'm taking away from it. Hopefully it will encourage some of you. :)

***

As I stated before, the entire book is amazing, but I'm finding that chapter 2 is becoming one of my all-time favorite passages of Scripture. It is insanely filled with amazing thoughts. For example:

"This is a trustworthy saying:

If we die with Him,

we will also live with Him.

If we endure hardship,

we will reign with Him.

If we deny Him,

He will deny us,

If we are unfaithful,

He remains faithful,

for He cannot deny who He is."

(2 Timothy 2:11-13)

Think about it. If we are unfaithful…He remains faithful. He cannot deny who He is.

God is LITERALLY incapable of abandoning us…no matter how far from Him we may run. To turn His back for one instant on our pitiful, sin-filled existence would go against the very nature of who He is. Despite constant rebellion, our daily wanderings from Him and His love…He never stops pursuing us and being the most faithful, committed Lover of our souls. 

Is that not the most beautiful thought?

However, there's another twist to this.

I'm also reading, as part of my daily growth plan, the book "The Jesus I Never Knew" by Philip Yancey. The book is completely focused on digging into the life and personality of Jesus, exposing Him in a way that most Christians never allow themselves to consider. In one particular chapter, Yancey delves into the idea of God's miraculous restraint; that is, why God chose (and continues to choose) to hold back His power and influence throughout history, allowing people to come to Him of their own accord instead of simply demanding all of creation's worship and adoration. He says, 

"The more I get to know Jesus, the more impressed I am by what…[is] called 'the miracle of restraint.' The miracles Satan suggested, the signs and wonders the Pharisees demanded, the final proofs I yearn for--these would offer no serious obstacle to an omnipotent God. More amazing is His refusal to perform and to overwhelm. God's terrible insistence of human freedom is so absolute that He granted us the power to live as though He did not exist, to spit in His face, to crucify Him."

Even though God is unable to desert us as we desert Him…even though He cannot ever stop loving us despite our almost continuous betrayal…He will never force us to change our minds or "prove" His way into our lives. But why? Why does He let us leave Him for the world's fleeting temptations on a nearly daily basis? To this question, Yancey replies,

"I believe God insists on such restraint because no pyrotechnic displays of omnipotence will achieve the response He desires. Although power can force obedience, only love can summon a response of love, which is the one thing God wants from us and the reason He created us."

God doesn't need our love to survive. But He craves it…just as we do. Think: We are created in the image of God. It blows my mind to think that our hearts' desperate need to be loved and desired by someone else is also a reflection of His heart, overflowing with longing for our love and desire for Him.

Go read that last sentence again. Make sure you grasp that idea. 

I mean, whoa.

*** 

Here's another verse.

"In a wealthy home some utensils are made of gold and silver, and some are made of wood and clay. The expensive utensils are used for special occasions, and the cheap ones are for everyday use. If you keep yourself pure, you will be a special utensil for honorable use. Your life will be clean, and you will be ready for the Master to use you for every good work."

(2 Timothy 2: 20-21)

Oh, to be clean. I freely admit that I haven't felt truly clean, truly pure in a long, long time. So many things from my past…decisions made by myself, actions taken by others; all of it produces an unsightly mess and a jagged scar around my soul. Most days, I feel heavy with remorse and crippled by regret. And yet, despite these yearnings to be better, to be different…I still find myself struggling daily with wanting the exact opposite. When will the battle be over? When will I truly be pure and be a clean slate for God to use the way He wants to? My heart wants to be ready…if only I could scrub and sanitize the rest of me. 

In "The Jesus I Never Knew," Yancey briefly addresses the issue of purity, and the fallacies with common Christian "stay pure" statements. Examples:

-"Marriage will cure lust." (It won't.)

-"With self-discipline you can master lust. (…with maybe a 3% success rate.)

-"True fulfillment can only be found in monogamy." (Tell that to every single person out there.)

He goes on to quote Francois Mauriac, a French Catholic writer who published a book entitled "What I Believe." Mauriac spent a great deal of time poring over these "statements" and came to the conclusion that there was, in actuality, only one reason to stay pure. He said, 

"Impurity separates us from God. The spiritual life obeys laws as verifiable as those of the physical world…Purity is the condition for a higher love--for a possession superior to all possessions: that of God. Yes, this is what is at stake, and nothing less."

Isn't it infuriating how the questions we struggle with the most always seem to boil down to the simplest answer? To conclude his thoughts on the subject, Yancey states,

"The love God holds out to us requires that our faculties be cleansed and purified before we can receive a higher love, one attainable in no other way. That is the motive to stay pure. By harboring lust, I limit my own intimacy with God."

So there it is.

If you, like me, desire to be a clean life for God to use as He sees fit; if you, like me, find yourself constantly being unfaithful to Him, take comfort in these two simple facts:

God wants our lives to be clean and pure just as much, if not more, than we do.

And no matter how many times we fail on this incredibly uphill journey…

He will never-I repeat, NEVER-stop loving us for one solitary moment.

Because, to put it even more simply, He can't.

And that is the most comforting fact of all.