The stressedaboutgradschoolandmyfutureblogpostthatdoesntmakesenseatall Post.

Have you ever had one of those days where everything's going great, and then all of a sudden you're checking your oil in your car with your dad and you have a meltdown about your life?

No? Well, I did.

Today.

You have to understand some things.

1) I desperately want to go to grad school...to obtain my MFA in Acting....so I can do something with my life.

2) I have an audition with the Theatre department at UT on January 16.

3) This is a really big deal.


You also have to understand that ever since I graduated from Bryan (a year ago), everything in my life has been looking towards me going to grad school. Somewhere. Somehow. The main reason I moved to Knoxville was so I could work, save up money, and audition....for grad school. That's always been the goal. I've had no other goal. Ever.

So I get this audition, and it's really awesome because it's the first step in the right direction. Things are actually going to happen. And that's completely terrifying.

I've been at home for the past week, spending the holidays with my family, and while I was here I had my headshots taken, updated my resume, even selected monologues for my audition. But suddenly it hit me.

What if I don't get in?

And not just at UT. I'm applying to 3 other schools as well. What if I don't get accepted at any of them? What if I'm not good enough?

Ok. What's my plan B?

And I realized....I don't have one.

Even my parents have not been helping the situation. They sent out a newsletter with Christmas cards, and in my paragraph it said "Please pray that Alexis will be accepted into this prestigious program." Not, "Please pray that Alexis will figure out what the next step in her life looks like and that she will follow God, wherever that step leads." Nope, apparently grad school is the beginning, or end, of everything.

I know that's not what they meant. But that's what it made me feel. Then, today, while checking my oil, I asked my dad if I was staying on their health insurance another year or not. He said, "Well, next year you'll be in school, so it won't matter."

And it was all I could do not to scream "YOU DON'T KNOW THAT."

It's like everyone is assuming that I'm going to get in, going to get a degree, going to get it all.

Except I honestly have no idea if that's even remotely a possibility.

And if it doesn't happen........what am I going to do?

No clue.

What I do know is that I cannot continue to do what I'm doing now. The only way I'm getting through day after day is to tell myself, "This isn't forever. This is temporary. You're working here, doing this, because you have to make it to where you really want to be. You have to do this so you can eventually get the job you've dreamed of having."

But what if it turns out I can't have that job, that I can't have that career? What if it turns out I'm not enough?

I literally have no other options. And it's scaring the hope out of me.

My dad said, "You can look for another job. You don't have to settle for anything." But here's the thing: If I'm not allowed to follow my dreams, to pursue my passions...then wouldn't I be settling no matter what I was doing? Anything less than my dream is settling, is it not?

Ugh.

I was talking with a friend last night about how you're brought up, all your life, to think that once you finish college and are out in the real world, you'll somehow have a wonderful job in your field of interest and life will be super exciting and amazing and you'll do incredible things.

Except that doesn't really seem to happen.

If this whole grad school thing doesn't work out, what am I going to do that brings me fulfillment and is something that I want to get up every day to do? I honestly can't think of a single thing that brings me as much joy as theatre does. So does that mean that the rest of my life (without theatre) will be a little bit...less wonderful than it could have been? Am I meant to live a life of halfway happiness?

I just don't know what the answer is. I can't think that God would ever design our lives to be less than amazing or boring. I can't imagine that He would give me such passion and zeal for something, only to dangle it before me, always just out of my reach forever.

But right now, at this moment, I'm terrified that one day soon I will wake up and realize that this is it. The life I have right now....there's no "what's next." This is the next.

I don't know if I can live with that.