Cause, if I'm honest, 2014 has been a hard year for me. Probably the most difficult year I've had yet in my oh-so-short-but-quickly-getting-longer life. But through the past 12 months, I have learned so much about myself, about the Lord, and about life in general. And looking back with a perspective of what each month taught me and the people/events/words that were used to help me along the way provides a much more encouraging and satisfying summary. So while it may not be as amusing or lighthearted, here's my 2014.
January:
"Better things are ahead than any we leave behind.
Let the sun set so a new one will rise; but always remember our time."
-Jane Marczewski
I attended Passion Conference in Atlanta, which was amazing and exactly what I needed at the time.
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| So glad I was at Passion with two of my very best friends. |
February:
"You silly little girl,
you think you've survived so long
that survival shouldn't hurt anymore.
You keep trying to turn your body
bullet-proof. You keep trying to turn your heart
bomb shelter. Stop, darling.
You are soft and alive.
You bruise and heal. Cherish it.
It is what you were born to do.
Come now, you promised yourself.
You promised you'd live through this."
-Clementine von Radics
February found me, sadly, still struggling. Majorly. It was a huge battle between my desperate need to have the next step of my life figured out and God's desire to have me trust Him through the uncertainty. And let me tell you, it was quite a fight. I remember one day I actually just sat on the kitchen floor and cried because I was so overwhelmed with the monotony of my life and the fear of never moving on or ever doing anything of consequence. But during this month, I had many gentle reminders that instead of focusing on what's next, I should be living in the here and now...and trying my best to find the valuable moments and lessons from this time. It was very good advice. So I made more of an effort to reconnect with old friends, to have a social life again at home, and to try VERY hard not to panic...as much. ;)
I watched the Superbowl with some friends...Remember when Mr. B was at the Superbowl?
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| #goodtimes |
Then we had that HUGE snow.
Valentine's Day dinner with some of my favorite women.
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| Yeah, we ate chocolate pie out of carry out boxes. |
Trip to Bryan to see Pirates of Penzance AND my best friends Michelle and Kelly.
March:
"The act of trusting is the suspension of retaliation, having faith that God will deal with the situation in His time."
-Rusty Small
March found me taking a break from all forms of social media (for various reasons) and desperately trying to decide whether or not I should move to Knoxville in the fall. I knew I wasn't finding a job in Appomattox, and living at home was not going to be an ideal long-term situation. But moving out on my own seemed scary and risky, to say the least. I had no idea what the right decision was. I felt so out of place, so lost. One of my best friends got married, which was wonderful...but I sat there watching it happen and couldn't help thinking "Man, I wish my life was as simple as that." However, quite a bit of growing took place in these four weeks as I bravely searched for clarity in every aspect of my life, including the relationship that had dissolved in January. The result was painful and not what I had been hoping or praying for, but from that resolution I was finally able to let go and take the first shaky step forward.
(I also had a few funny experiences during March that are just too wonderful not to share.)
My church put on a murder mystery dinner! So much fun.
April:
"Alexis...Others' actions don't define who you are. Nor do their actions reflect a true mirror to see yourself through. As cliche as it sounds, you and everyone is only worthy because of God's sacrifice for us. As abstract as it feels and as foreign as it is, the need to see your own identity and worth in Jesus, His pure undefiled righteousness, is huge to our faith. Huge to our own self-esteem. The things of this world no longer matter. Persecution, suffering, sadness, joy, anger, betrayal. Count it all joy."
-Naomi Martin
On Facebook, the photo album I made for April was called The Month Where Spring Came (For My Soul). And it was so true. My former roommate Emilie came to spend a weekend in Virginia with me, and just having a few days with her refreshed my outlook on life in a tremendous way. I spent more time in Knoxville job hunting, where I was tentatively hired by a performing arts academy to teach piano in the fall. This was crazy exciting, but also rather intimidating. I still hadn't decided for sure about moving, but the job offer seemed like a pretty firm confirmation. I was able to celebrate Easter with my home church family for the first time in 5 years, which was an amazing experience. And finally, God used a weekend at Bryan to remind me that He has placed a few incredible men in my path over the years to love me, counsel me, and support me when I am lonely, discouraged and afraid. Their friendships are constant and strong, and I couldn't be more grateful for them.
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| Emilie and I had a photoshoot...she's so beautiful. <3 |
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| Happy Easter from the LBC staff. |
May:
"Trust your lives to the God who created you, for He will never fail you."
-1 Peter 4:19
I turned 23 and quickly realized that with each passing year, birthdays mean less. Then I travelled to Bryan to see some of my closest friends graduate, and realized that it had been an entire year since I myself graduated. Surprisingly, it was a very painful realization. And I found something I wrote in my journal that day that adequately sums up my feelings during that time.
"I wish I could just have a glimpse of the future--a snapshot of where I will be at this moment a year from now. I just want to know that I'm content, and feeling that life has a purpose. I want to know that I won't be struggling and hurting and living in the past. Can I please be happy? This time has ended so unlike I anticipated or hoped. Is it wrong for me to selfishly hope that on May 10, 2015, I will be completely satisfied and joyful at where my life has gone? I don't want to feel like this any longer."
Aside from being a tad dramatic, there you have it. The remainder of the month was spent agonizing over the question of the year: to move or not to move. And finally, on May 22, I decided to take a huge leap of faith and move to Knoxville after returning from my summer job. As relieving as it was to finally make a decision, I immediately felt terrified and paralyzed by fear of failure. Of not being a "good" adult. Of sucking at my job. Of not making enough money. And suddenly being a grownup didn't sound so appealing.
But I didn't have much time to think about it, because at the end of May I left on my summer engagement with Frick and Frack Music as an accompanist and staff member. It ended up being 11 weeks of experiences I'll never forget.
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| If you want the full graduation story, ask me. It's a good one. |
June:
"God's faithfulness is proved not by the elimination of hardships but by carrying us through them. Change is not the absence of struggles; change is the freedom to choose holiness in the midst of our struggles."
-Christopher Yuan
The entire month of June was comprised of traveling, 4 weeks of camp, air mattresses, and making new friends along the way. I was constantly having to adapt and adjust to whatever life threw at us, which was a good lesson for me to learn. I also was able to read a TON, and almost every book I read had a deep impact on me. "Out of a Far Country" by Christopher Yuan reignited my passion for homosexual ministry. "What's So Amazing About Grace?" by Philip Yancey convicted me to my core about how I practice forgiveness in my daily interactions. God was definitely teaching me a lot through this month, and I'm so grateful for the wisdom I took away from it. I also experienced the deep sorrow of being too far away to comfort a hurting friend whose mother passed away. I had never before been in that place...a place where you want so badly to be there for them and you just...can't. The pain is so strong and there's really nothing that absolves it. I sincerely hope I never have to feel that way again.
July:
"Trust not joy
that is layered not
with sorrow.
Only when we ache
do we
appreciate."
-Tyler Knott Gregson
July was another month of my summer tour. And on July 1, I met Trent Tyson...who proceeded to brighten my life in a thousand ways. He quickly became my best friend on tour and we clicked in a way I just can't describe. God definitely sent him to me at just the right time (doesn't He always?), and I am so thankful for the 5 weeks we had together. At this point in tour, tensions were high, exhaustion was taking its toll and our cohesiveness as a group was starting to unravel. But Trent provided me with the companionship, the encouragement and the stability I needed to keep going. During July, I learned that God's timing is perfect in everything, literally, and that He can use the most mundane things to change your life forever.
August:
"Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in Him.
He alone is my rock and salvation,
my fortress where I will not be shaken.
My history and honor come from God alone.
He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.
O my people, trust in Him at all times.
Pour out your hearts to Him,
for God is our refuge."
-Psalm 62:5-8
August was an insane month. The passage of scripture above perfectly describes what I was feeling at the time. Summer tour ended, and with it came difficult goodbyes.
Sidenote: I absolutely despise goodbyes. They're so depressing and final and awful in every way.
Anyway...I arrived home and had exactly one week to get everything packed for Knoxville. One week to put my life of 16 years into boxes and start over in a new place. To make things even more dramatic, I found out a few days before moving that the studio I was supposed to be teaching piano at had NO students for me. Which meant that now, I was moving to Knoxville with no guarantee of a job or of an income. And all I could think was, "This is going to be that time in my life where I look back and say that I trusted the Lord with everything in me." But really.
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| Time to move... |
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| We're here and we're roommates again at last! :) |
September:
"And sometimes, I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes, I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me:
I'm a little more than useless
When I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right, do something right for once."
-Relient K
September began as a month of panic and worry. I had been living in Knoxville for almost 4 weeks and still hadn't acquired a job. I knew I needed to trust more...but I was forgetting how to do that. However, God is so great about using little things to remind me of His constant presence in my life, and of His daily provision for me. One such thing was a visit from my lifelong best friend, during which we were able to see Relient K in concert! It was so fun and exactly what I needed to get my mind off of all things job related. And a few days after she went home...I had a job interview with Chickfila, where I was so blessed to be hired. It definitely wasn't what I had thought I would be doing, but I was grateful for the opportunity and for the paycheck. :) Things were starting to look up.
October:
"Hold onto the past as long as you have to...but grab onto the future as soon as you are able."
-Gene Mims
October is my favorite month of the year. Always has been. I love the idea of nature turning its brightest and most beautiful as it gradually surrenders to the coming change of season. And that's what this month ended up being for me, in a way. I attended Bryan College's Homecoming (my first one as an actual alum) and it was a beautiful weekend surrounded by friends who were in the same situation as me. I wasn't the only person who missed that place, and it was comforting to realize I'm not a freak for loving my alma mater. For that weekend, I was able to hold on to my past and to cherish it. For the remainder of October, I spent a great deal of time with friends; Emilie and I had several people come to stay with us for weekends, and we also travelled to be with them. I will never cease to be amazed at how many deep, meaningful friendships God has blessed me with. So many people are in my life that I consider to be lifelong, genuinely intimate friends. And I will never stop being overwhelmed by their love for me. It is truly amazing.
November:
"I take hope in Jesus' scars...I can hope that the tears we shed, the blows we receive, the emotional pain, the heartache over lost friends and loved ones, all these will become memories, like Jesus' scars. Scars never completely go away, but neither do they hurt any longer."
-Philip Yancey
Oh, how well this quote describes my November. This particular month was a tough one...mainly because this particular month a year ago was full of memories and events that are now painful to remember. And I'm the type of person that records every event in my life...therefore making it impossible to forget anything, both good and bad. However, I was able to drive home to be with my parents twice this month, and that was such a good thing for me. I didn't realize how much I missed them until I was there again. Leaving them to go back to Knoxville made my heart ache each time, and I wonder even now if it will ever get easier. On a lighter note, one of my very best friends got engaged, and he asked me to be in his wedding party in May. This was definitely the highlight of my month, cause we haven't been close friends for very long and to be in his party is a huge honor. :) I also had my first "wreck," if you can call rolling down a hill into a thicket a wreck. Thankfully only my license plate broke off, but it was still an...interesting experience.
December:
"The table is set and our glasses are full;
Though pieces go missing, may we still feel whole.
We'll build new traditions in place of the old--
cause life without revision will silence our souls.
Let our bells keep on ringing,
making angels in the snow;
May the melody disarm us
When the cracks begin to show.
Like the petals in our pockets,
May we remember who we are:
Unconditionally cared for
By those who share our broken hearts."
-Sleeping at Last
December...realizing that an entire year is almost over and gone. Realizing that 12 months have gone by, and you have lived every single day in between. Realizing that soon, every experience in 2014 will be just a distant memory.
This month was spent in Christmas mode: going to concerts, decorating our apartment, buying presents, and looking forward to a break with my family. And being at home did not disappoint. I was able to relax, watch Christmas movies, play the piano, see old friends, and simply bask in the glow of the holiday emotions that always surface around that time. It was a wonderful way to end this year, and now I can truthfully say that I am excited to see what the next 12 months hold for me. I honestly (and selfishly) hope that it will not be quite as challenging or as painful as 2014 has been...but no matter what happens, I know that it will be for a reason, it will teach me something valuable, and I will not be alone.
So, to conclude, this year has been a tough one. It started with having my heart broken in several ways. It seemed to get worse with no sense of purpose, direction or clarity. But God has been so good to me. He held my hand for every shaky step and listened to me cry and complain every day. Through the year, He showed me that life is full of possibility and the future is so much more wonderful than I could ever imagine. All I need to do is trust...and obey.
Here's to a new year with new lessons to be learned and new memories to be made.
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