APRIL 2018
Song #1: Miracle, CHVRCHES
Ask me no questions, I will tell you no lies
Careful what you wish for
We're looking for angels in the darkest of skies
Saying that we wanted more
I feel like I'm falling, but I'm trying to fly
Where does all the good go?
We're looking for answers in the highest of highs
But will we ever, ever know?
And I need you to know
I'm not asking for a miracle
But if love is enough, could you let it show?
If you feel it, could you let me know?
***
The journey of this life is a mixture of clarity and dimness of God's presence.
-Rusty Small
***
If I had to sum up this past month in one sentence, it would probably go something like this:
Life doesn't ever come to a screeching halt, even when you wake up everyday wishing it would.
Isn't it funny when you realize that no matter what you may face in your personal life, the next morning still arrives and the world still expects you to get out of bed and continue on as if nothing had happened? No tragedy is too big to keep the sun from rising and the workday beginning and your responsibilities waiting.
It's exhausting.
April was a month where there seemed to be one thing after another after another after another. Some were good, and some were not. But regardless, the days kept rolling on until I noticed the calendar said April 28. The month was almost done, and I had barely come up for air.
Easter Sunday was a blur of church responsibilities, dressing up and taking pictures with family--just like always. It was also accompanied by the excitement of having an ENTIRE WEEK off for Spring Break. I hadn't realized how badly I needed the time to just relax, let my brain unwind and enjoy spending time with people. It was so wonderful to not have to worry about anything for a short while.
During this time our community theatre was also hard at work preparing for our performances of The Importance of Being Earnest. Although it was incredibly stressful to have so many rehearsals in the evenings after long days of school, I am SO thankful that I was able to have the experience. Besides convincing one of my best friends to audition and participate with me, I got to know some really great people and feel the joy of being onstage once again.
When we were young the road was easy
But time moves on and people change
If we're not falling, we're not flying
You can't have love without the pain
And when I lose direction
When I can't see the stars
If we get disconnected
I'll sing my way back to Your heart
I'll sing my way back to Your arms
***
Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
-J.K. Rowling
***
you cannot be destroyed
by your imperfections
when you know you are saved
by perfect grace
-Morgan Harper Nichols
***
Here's the thing.
When you look in the mirror and see someone you don't recognize staring back at you, there are two options: you can avoid acknowledging how far you've fallen....or you can run like hell back to the only One who will love you in the regret, hold you through the pain and carry you to a place of forgiveness and renewal.
It has not been a pleasant journey for me by any means, and I'm in NO way saying I'm anywhere close to where I want to be.
It's going to continue to suck for a long time (I have a hunch, anyway).
It's going to be ridiculously hard.
But it's a start.
And I can already feel my old self coming back bit by bit...which brings a smile in the midst of the ache.
My soul I am broken by you
One morning I'll wake up renewed
Don't go love
I need you to stay
My soul I am broken today
And I will work out what it meant
And I will mend you in the end
Cause I'll do anything to love you
Love you
It may not be easy to see
But I'm ready, I need to believe
***
Sometimes change is just one girl with her fists clenched, no longer willing to be trodden on.
-Elisabeth Hewer
***
detach from what destroys you
-r.h. Sin
***
As I have been dealing with these challenges, I noticed that one of my favorite things--social media--was only bringing me further down into depression. We have this tendency to constantly compare our lives to others around us.
Why do we do that?
What does it accomplish except to drain our joy and feed our anxiety?
It was literally causing me to have panic attacks.
So I decided to take a week-long social media "fast." I deleted every app off of my phone and promised myself not to go on ANYTHING for at least 5 days.
My mentor also challenged me to use the time to do at least one random act of kindness every day, and to journal about what I did. She said that when we are struggling with something and instead choose to look outside of ourselves for people to encourage and support, we often find peace and healing through it.
She said, "During this time you just need to trust God and do good."
So that was the theme of my week:
Trust God and Do Good.
And I followed her advice.
Every day I did something totally random for someone who had a meaningful role in my life lately; sent cards to a couple of teachers from my school, bought doughnuts for my students during their end-of-the-year testing, etc. And you know what?
It was probably the best week of the entire month.
I was so relieved to not be constantly scrolling past posts/analyzing what they meant, or trying to keep up with everyone's lives that I wasn't a part of anymore.
I could just focus on what was in front of me.
It was so incredibly refreshing.
Of course, it wasn't going to last forever. It's just not that realistic to go off the grid permanently like that in our culture, especially when I'm about to launch new social media accounts for my upcoming job in TN...but it was nice to know I could do it, and that it can really help me detox from unhealthy behaviors if needed.
You think you're ready
But you've got too much on your mind
Too much left to prove
No easy answers
You've got to work it out yourself
You won't hear anyone but you
The moment you stop looking
Wherever you go, you'll be in the right place
You'll never know the difference it makes
When you let go and give up the chase
I'll come find you one of these days
***
The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.
-William James
***
In the midst of all of that, there was a particularly bright moment. My lifelong best friend and her husband had a gender reveal party for the child they're expecting.....IT'S A GIRL!!!!
It meant so much to be a part of the family gathering and to share in her excitement at the news. She's going to be an amazing mother and I can't wait to see how this little girl grows up in such a strong and loving home.
Man, it's just crazy how quickly life happens. One day you're both in 8th grade with braces and middle parts...the next you're shopping for baby girl clothes and wondering where the time went.
I could not be happier for her, though. Oh my gosh I'm so excited.
So that's pretty much the jist of April 2018. I'm sure there's a lot of little things I've forgotten to mention, but I don't really care.
I'm wrapping up the next 2 weeks of school...
Going to Ruston, LA to see my person direct her first show at Louisiana Tech...
Taking a 3 day trip to NYC with my parents to see BROADWAY SHOWS (more on that later)..
And then figure out just how I'm going to leave Appomattox and start my brand-new life in Tennessee.
May's blog post is gonna be a good one, I can feel it.
I know you're trying hard to just be strong
And it's a fight just to keep it together, together
I know you think that you are too far gone
But hope is never lost, hope is never lost
Hold on, don't let go
Just take one step closer
Put one foot in front of the other
You'll get through this
Just follow the light in the darkness
You're gonna be OK
I know your heart is heavy from those nights
But just remember that you are a fighter
You never know just what tomorrow holds
And you're stronger than you know, stronger than you know
When the night is closing in
Don't give up and don't give in
This won't last, it's not the end
You're gonna be OK
