DECEMBER 2018
At the end of the year we turn with eagerness to all that God has for the future, and yet anxiety is apt to arise from remembering the yesterdays. Our present enjoyment of God's grace is apt to be checked by the memory of yesterday's sins and blunders. But God is the God of our yesterdays, and He allows the memory of them in order to turn the past into a ministry of spiritual culture for the future. God reminds us of the past lest we get into a shallow security in the present.
-Oswald Chambers
***
Since my blogging project included one post from each month of 2018, I decided to read back over them and find my favorite quotes in order to truly encapsulate this year for me.
January:
"I have really come to value solitude and having my own space. I enjoy not having to talk or make conversation, instead using that time to write, think, and zone out when I need to. It's also been extremely beneficial for me to spend a lot of time remembering who I am and who I want to be in the future, even if I've been rather delayed in getting there...God is teaching me so much about trust and patience during this time, and I'm hopeful that I'm managing to still have my dreams and ambitions without clutching them too tightly."
February:
"February was a time of me coming to terms with several elements of who I am and choosing to view them in a much more positive light...it felt like almost every day, my time with the Lord was focused on joy and peace: two things that I definitely struggle to embody and live out."
March:
"It's easy to find yourself saying 'I wonder what life would have been life it I had stayed in touch better with this person, or if I had made a different choice in this particular situation.' Everyone has those thoughts. I definitely have had them quite a lot over the past month. I often ask myself what other life stories I could have instead of the one I've living right now. But...I've been trying to let go of those thought patterns and instead, focus on the joy of the present and excitedly anticipate the future that's waiting for me in just a few short months...It's taken me some time to get to that point, but I'm finally looking at my life with a clarity I've been lacking. I'm so ready for what's next...whatever that looks like. I'm ready."
April:
"Here's the thing. When you look in the mirror and see someone you don't recognize staring back at you, there are two options: you can avoid acknowledging how far you've fallen...or you can run like hell back to the only One who will love you in the regret, hold you through the pain and carry you to a place of forgiveness and renewal."
May:
"Over the past month I have had to walk away from several things (including people) that were keeping me from moving forward into this new season. It has been a month of ridiculously hard goodbyes. Goodbyes I didn't know I would have to say, and goodbyes that I begged Him to prevent. But He didn't. And I know it will it will be some time before I'm truly at peace with the decisions I've had to make. This season of my life has definitely been one of waiting. I have been waiting on God to open up the door to my future, and...boy, has He."
June:
"As a director, I know it's easy to become dictatorial and wanting your own way on everything. A lot of people would say that the director has that right. And maybe that's true. But I have always valued having others around me to confirm my instincts or offer another option I hadn't even considered. Theatre is pointless if you're alone at the finish line."
July:
"All the anxiety I have been feeling about this new job, this uncharted territory? Well, it's becoming so bad that I'm almost paralyzed by the fear. Of course, I'm excited too. This is my dream, after all. But I am also terribly afraid of not being good enough to live out my dream...It's very difficult when al of the "what ifs" begin to pour in. But I'm trying to trust."
August:
"My life is overflowing with experiences right now. I'm feeling overwhelmed and out of my league on a daily basis...But I'm learning so much about transparency and being open with students. It helps a lot to remember how I felt as a college student and what made me respect my professors. Most of the time, it was when they were honest about where they were at. So I decided that I needed to take the risk and be a little more vulnerable with my students. And it has made a difference in ways I couldn't have imagined."
September:
"I've been trying to make myself take time away from class prep and show to-do lists and just...be with people. It's ok to choose people over my planner sometimes...God is so good, you guys. I don't have to be afraid to display what I've been through. Cause it might just be exactly what someone else needs to hear. I can be a mentor and a guide, because I've been where they are. And my life is a living testimony to the incomparable grace that God has poured over me every step of the way. I'm so very, very thankful to have the opportunity to share that with others."
October:
"The Matchmaker was more amazing than I ever could have imagined. The audiences were perfect, the cast and crew did an incredible job every night, and I received more positive feedback than I was anticipating. There aren't enough words to express what the overall experience was like for me. This was something I had been dreaming of for so very long and to be able to watch it unfold was honestly a dream come true."
November:
"In the past month, I have been hit with several situations that have, to be quite candid, destroyed a lot of my job and excitement about this job. People have hurt me. Stress has beaten me down. I feel discouraged and emotionally drained almost every single day. This may be my dream job, but the past month has been anything but a dream. Despite everything, I'm trying to use it to make me a stronger woman and a better artist."
December:
This month of the year always has a different feel to it. Once I know Christmas is on its way, it's as though there's a little bit of magic in the air, and it colors everything around me in a hue of holiday spirit.
To kick off the month correctly, I had a Christmas party at my apartment for all of my theatre students. They helped me decorate my tree and I introduced them to White Christmas, my favorite holiday movie of all time. It was so nice to feel like my tiny apartment is a welcoming place for them to feel comfortable and to have fun.
Our winter production, Almost, Maine, continued with rehearsals and the chaos that follows an off book deadline.
My Intro to Theatre class gave their final group presentations, and it was so rewarding to see their application of the things we'd covered throughout the semester.
I played a piano duet with my colleague for the departmental Christmas concert.
I miraculously made it through the conclusion of the semester.
My good friend Caleb got married and I was able to play for his wedding ceremony.
Usually, when I go home for the Christmas break, it's a flurry of obligations and performances. However, this time it was quite relaxed. By the time I got home, all of the productions had finished and I spent most of my 10 days there on the couch, watching Christmas movies, or spending time with friends. It was a welcome hiatus after the semester I've had. I was able to spend some quality time with my parents, which was wonderful.
Now I'm back in Dayton and I've been spending a lot of time with my very best friend, Emilie. She's in town visiting her family and I haven't seen her since she moved to New York in May. Honestly, that's the best Christmas present I could've asked for.
The spring semester is about to begin in a little over a week, and while I'm in no way prepared for that and everything it means...I'm so thrilled to see a new year beginning.
***
I firmly believe that years unfold a specific way for a specific reason; to teach us something we need to learn in order to move on in life.
2018 was the year where I had to strip away everything distracting me from becoming the woman I needed to be in order to have my dream job and career.
I had to close the door once and for all on a relationship that had dominated my life for the past 18 months.
I had to accept that I had no idea what was next and embrace the present fully.
I had to trust that the road before me was going to take me exactly where I needed to go, in the right time.
2018 has been a learning year.
I'm all for learning things in 2019, but I really hope it also holds a heck of an adventure.
As we go forth into the coming year, let it not be in the haste of impetuous, unremembering delight, nor with the light of impulsive thoughtlessness, but with the patient power of knowing that the God of Israel will go before us. Our yesterdays present irreparable things to us; it is true that we have lost opportunities which will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ.
Leave the Irreparable Past in His hands, and step out into the Irresistible Future with Him.
-Oswald Chambers
