November 2018: Maybe It's OK.

NOVEMBER 2018

God does not let us go any way that He Himself has not gone 

and on which He does not go before us.

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

***

The last sentence of my blog from October said:

I am wholeheartedly ready to see what unfolds in the next 4 weeks.

Well....literally so much has unfolded. And a bunch of it has proven difficult to put back together.

I texted a friend while writing this and said, "I don't even know how to verbally process this month." And I really don't. It's difficult to put into words how the past few weeks have made me feel.

I thought a lot about trying to tell all of you exactly what has happened. But while that would adequately reflect my own jumbled-up thoughts and emotions, it would just be confusing. I haven't been able to process it fully on my own. And I don't want to drag readers through that mess. 

So let me just say this. 

In the past month, I have been hit with several situations that have, to be quite candid, destroyed a lot of my joy and excitement about this job. 

People have hurt me. 

Stress has beaten me down. 

I feel discouraged and emotionally drained almost every single day. 

This may be my dream job, but the past month has been anything but a dream.

I'm trying my best to own it. Despite everything, I'm trying to use it to make me a stronger woman and a better artist. 

Who knows if it's actually working. 

I don't have a bunch of quotes to share. I don't have a list of songs that have been on repeat all month. 

Because for the majority of this month, I've just been trying to get up everyday and make it through without breaking down. 

I feel insecure. I feel inadequate. I wonder why I was given this job.

I'm afraid.

But I know that eventually, somehow, it's going to be okay. I don't know how. And I don't know when. But it will be.

God is faithful, I have people in my life who love me (both from nearby and from far away), and it's okay to not be okay. 

And that is all I have to say.  

(Side Note: I never thought I would say this, but I've begun to feel like the blogging phase of my life is coming to a close. I find myself struggling more and more to find the right words. I used to love processing my life through blogging. But now...I'd much rather just talk to someone about things and let it go.

...Is that what growing up feels like?)

Maybe It's OK, We Are Messengers 

If I didn't know what it hurt like to be broken

Then how would I know what it feels like to be whole

If I didn't know what it cuts like to be rejected

Then I wouldn't know the joy of coming home

Maybe it's ok if I'm not ok

Cause the one who holds the world is holding onto me

Maybe it's alright if I'm not alright

Cause the one who holds the stars is holding my whole life