Why My Eyes Were Puffy At Rehearsal (and a lot of other info you probably don't want to know)

I miss the days when I used to blog because I had something profound and important to say, something that would change people's lives and give them cause to stop and think.

Maybe it wasn't that important or profound, but lately I feel like all I do is spew my frustrations and emotions onto a laptop, knowing that maybe 5 people will read it. Quality writing, huh.

But here's the thing: when you're sitting in your office after everyone else has gone, sobbing uncontrollably because the past two days have literally been some of the worst imaginable, it feels like the only thing you can do is write it out.

So here we go.

[In case you were wondering, that's exactly what I'm doing right now. All day long the tears have been lurking behind my smile, itching for an opportunity to spill over. Looks like 5:30 pm was that moment, because now they won't stop.]

It's strange how sometimes one becomes more emotionally unstable when one has lived through a large amount of tiny upsets instead of one huge, earth-moving obstacle.
That has been my life these past two days.
It wasn't a solitary incident that tipped me over the edge;
Rather, life has consisted of momentary happenings that
rubbed me the wrong way,
chipped at my self-esteem,
 and when the final blow was struck this afternoon...my entire suit of composure crumbled.

Let me explain.

Yesterday was an okay day. It wasn't ideal, but it was okay. Nothing terrible had really happened.
 I had taken the time that morning to dress nicely, fix my hair, wear jewelry...I felt like I looked pretty good.
Well, we got to the afternoon, and someone in the department made a comment to me about my size. In retrospect, I don't think he meant it to be cruel, but it was like a smack in the face.
 For those of you who don't know, I recently passed the 20 lb. mark in weight that I've lost, and that's a wonderful achievement for me. For him to say that immediately made me question how other people are viewing me, even though I'm really proud of myself for losing that much weight and feel like I look a lot better already.

In addition to that, yesterday was frustrating because I feel like I am absolutely useless in my assistantship office, and I have no idea what's going on most of the time. As a second year graduate student, I should be a leader and confident; I feel the exact opposite of that in every possible way. I'm trying my best to take opportunities to learn and ask questions, but I still feel like I'm sprinting behind a race car, attempting to catch up but feeling like it's hopeless.

This morning I woke up and thought, "This day will be better; it has to be, right?"

Wrong.

My Theatre Appreciation class is the first thing I have on Wednesdays. Today we were watching a 55 minute long panel interview with Broadway directors. All they had to do was watch it and take notes for a response paper. I look up during the video and there is a girl, sitting directly in front of me, doing homework for another class. She has this enormous textbook on her desk and is apparently writing a paper for it.
In my class.
While the video is playing.
I look over next to her and there are about 5 girls in a row scrolling on their phones. I watched them for a good 10 minutes and they never looked up.
I wanted to be this teacher that everyone liked and thought was awesome and that they enjoyed being around...but at the end of the class period I kinda lost my cool. I told them that it was incredibly rude and disrespectful to be not only on their phones, but to be doing homework for someone else in MY class on MY time. It's so disrespectful to me as a teacher to be up there, attempting to teach them something, only to see them blatantly ignoring the information and being totally apathetic.
Why are they even in this class?
What am I even doing up there?
How am I accomplishing anything if I can't get them to listen or comprehend or care?
So that was the first incident that began to beat me down.

After lunch, I had my Scenic Design class....and today we were learning about perspective drawings. I knew this was going to be confusing, but I've done fairly well in everything else so far, so I was hopeful.
However, as class went on, I got more and more confused and had fallen way behind the rest of the class in the project we were all doing together.
(FYI, there's only 3 of us in the class, so take that how you will.)
I was getting frustrated and embarrassed and upset because I want to do well, and I compare myself to everyone around me.
(It's a flaw, I'm working on it.)
I felt so stupid, so inadequate in something that I should know more about and be skilled in if I want to teach someday.

I trudged back up to the office, sat down, and then remembered that I had totally missed my costume fitting for Tartuffe.

I had designed labels for a recruitment mail out and discovered I formatted them all wrong.

After spending 30 minutes trying to connect to the printer in the office, I proceeded to print the labels
upside down and backwards, resulting in two entire sheets of wasted labels.

At this point, I was so frustrated at everything alive, and was about to explode when my co-worker said, "Oh by the way, we have a prospective student coming for a tour in 10 minutes."
This was my first time working with something like this, so I tagged along and observed.
The father of the student proceeded to make comments throughout the tour about how his daughter was "not majoring in theatre; she's a pre-K ed major. This is just an extracurricular activity. She knows what her major is."
I was getting so angry because I KNOW parents like that. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND how parents can say, "My child loves the performing arts, but she'll never make a career of it. We'll force her to do something else."
Sir, your child is going to resent you one day when she realizes you stripped her of her dream and made her settle for something less. I understand that you want to protect your kid, but you also have to let them follow their heart and pursue their dreams.
UGH! I just wanted to scream at him.

I got back to my office and everyone left.

In order for all of this to really make sense, I have to mention something else.
And to be honest...this is something I'm a little hesitant to talk about, because I haven't shared it with a whole lot of people. But nobody reads this anyway, so what the heck, right?

I've mentioned frequently on my blog that I'm super content being single and can't imagine being in a relationship or being married and all of that. For a long time, that's been true. For the past 3 years or so, I have never met anyone who has piqued my interest or been something I've even considered thinking about. However, since being at Tech I have met someone that I really do like.
(Gosh, I feel so middle-school-esqe just saying that.)
I don't want to go into a whole lot of detail, but basically I've just been trying to get to know this person better and lay a groundwork for a close friendship with the hope that something more will develop. I've been trying to be outgoing and put myself out there (which is really really really hard for me with guys), and to be as "obvious" as I can that I'm interested without actually saying I'm interested.
As I said before, this is the first person in over 3 years that I've even looked twice at or thought, "You know, if he asked me out I would say yes."
That's kind of a huge deal for me. It may not seem that way to you, but if you knew my relationship history you would understand.
This is terrifying and overwhelming.

So, today as I was sitting in my office, everything that had built up from the past 2 days came flowing out in full force:
The guy who made a comment about my weight,
The class that was so blatantly disrespectful,
The design assignment that I couldn't seem to get together,
The office work I was doing so poorly...

It all combined to scream this one conclusion at me.

"Lex, what are you doing? You can't seem to inspire a class of students or even grasp the concepts in your own classes, yet you say you want to be a teacher? You're graduating in less than a year, and you need to have a job lined up. What skills do you possibly have for that line of work? How is ANYONE going to hire you when not only can you NOT accomplish something as simple as drawing a set design, but you can't even keep a bunch of undergrads focused on a YouTube video?! What a joke!"

And then on top of that, I was suddenly hit with the realization that this guy, this boy that I'm wanting to know better and to develop a deeper, more meaningful relationship with.....he is NEVER going to see me as anything. How could he when I'm such a mess as it is? From the way it looks after these couple of days, I'm overweight, I'm floundering in everything I do, I apparently can't make myself awesome enough or desirable enough or great enough for him to show any interest...nothing I do seems to make a difference. And all of a sudden, I felt so incredibly idiotic. Here I am, thinking that maybe this guy would eventually, somehow, look at me and see someone worth knowing and pursuing on a deeper level.

Who am I even kidding? About any of this?

I was overwhelmed with this feeling of stupidity and foolishness....

And the tears just flowed.

So there you have it. That's why I've been bawling in my office for a good 45 minutes now.

Life knocks Lex down sometimes.
And sometimes Lex just doesn't feel like getting back up.

Week #38: Rollercoaster.

My 2016

Week #38

Rollercoaster.

That title though.....I'm not even kidding in the slightest.

This past week genuinely had every emotion imaginable present itself to me within a 7 day span.

The moments where I felt on top of the world and as if everything was perfect? 

They were beyond great. 

Tartuffe auditions resulted in me being cast as Madame Pernelle, the sassy, judgmental mother.   

(Typecast much?) 

I'm very excited to be onstage once again and I have a feeling this is going to be my most beneficial experience yet. 

I went to an intramural soccer game 

(I know right, who am I?),

and it was one of the best things I've done since being at Tech. Besides being with people I like a lot, I also got to support one of those people in something they love, and that's a thing I've been wanting to do more of in my life. 

I spent the entire weekend with Allison, who has definitely become one of my very best friends here. She is so incredibly supportive, understanding and encouraging...plus she makes me laugh like crazy. I adore her. 

However, the moments when my stomach dropped and everything went blurry? 

They were beyond awful. 

Within our department, a lot of terrible events occurred in rapid succession...within a 2 day period. As a result, all of the grad students were called into a meeting where we were "scolded" (which really means yelled at) about something that none of us had done. The faculty were furious, we were confused, and when the meeting was over I just went to my office and sat in the dark for awhile, trying to clear my head and sort out my emotions. 

A few hours later, I was yelled at again for something over which I had no control (except this time it was in a public restaurant). 

My professor also made me cry--about something else entirely--in said restaurant...which fun fact, I rarely cry in front of people. 

So that was just a great experience all the way around. 

...Don't tell me that doesn't sound like a rollercoaster. 

In one week, I went through

Happiness,

Excitement,

Hope,

Infatuation,

Satisfaction,

Love,

Gratitude,

Confusion,

Anger,

Frustration,

Embarrassment,

Sorrow,

Guilt,

Resentment,

and more I can't think of at the moment. Or probably shouldn't say. 

But at the end of the week, I realized that I needed to let it all go. 

Sometimes weeks are just ROUGH. 

That doesn't mean they can't have beautiful moments (mine definitely did). 

Time to hold on to what mattered and walk away from the things that won't when next week rolls around. 

Here's to a new week, my readers. May it give you the ride of your life. ;) 

Week #37: Falling Into Place.

My 2016

Week #37

Falling Into Place.

So, one full week into this quarter, it's official. 

I. Am. Going. To. Be. So. Freaking. Busy.

(As you say to yourself, "And she's surprised because....?")

Yeah, I know. Whatever.

This past week was a lot of adjustments. I've slowly started to figure out this whole teaching thing, and my friends have been incredibly supportive (see above picture for an example). While the people in my class still seem pretty quiet and withdrawn, I feel more comfortable being in front of them and being myself. I've definitely already managed to look like an idiot without even trying, so things can only get better from there, right? My favorite teachers were always the ones who did weird, silly stuff. I dunno, guess we'll see. 

I've also had a lot of opportunities to spend time with people. Despite being incredibly swamped with homework every night and all weekend long, I'm forcing myself to walk away from my planner and "To-Do" lists and just......be with others. Laughing, talking and fostering relationships with new and old friends is so soothing to my soul, especially when I am stressed or tired. This past weekend I spent about 6 or 7 hours with a group of people, just playing games and sitting around together. It was honestly one of the most therapeutic things I could have done. I wouldn't consider myself a super-extrovert, but there are moments when being with people is exactly what I need. 

This quarter...in fact, this entire school year...is going to be one of growing for me, I can tell. It's going to stretch me in many different directions, and one of those is my own self-confidence and the way I choose to view my own worth. Most of the time, I feel like people would look at me and say, "She's confident, she's comfortable with who she is." And yeah, sometimes that's true. But there are a lot of days when I can't possibly understand how anyone would want to be around me, to invest in my life or to let me into theirs, whether that be simply friendship or something more. I have a lot of trouble remembering that it's okay to open up to others. Yes, it's a risk, but sometimes it's so worth the momentary fear. 

So here's to being more of myself, taking risks, and walking through this quarter with all the confidence I can muster...and people I love by my side every step of the way. 

Week #36: The Beginning of the End.

My 2016

Week #36

The Beginning of the End.

I realize this title is a bit depressing, but as my first week of school has progressed, I've quickly become aware of the end looming ahead of me. I'm starting my second year of grad school, and with that comes a whirlwind of comp exams, job interviews and graduation.

Then just like that...it's over. Two years in Louisiana, done.

But I'm trying not to focus on that right now. There's so many other things to worry about.

This past week has been pretty crazy. With the beginning of a school year comes:

Running around campus with paperwork to be filled out,

A plethora of new graduate students to keep from having panic attacks, 

And my own personal level of stress to deal with. 

This quarter is turning out to be no different from any of my previous ones. The class I'm teaching is filled to the brim (literally, 45 students) with college kids staring at me, waiting for me to say something worthwhile. We've only had one class and it lasted 17 minutes...(before you judge, I just went over the syllabus. That's what you do the first day, right?) Anyway, I'm hoping that as the weeks progress they will loosen up, I will become more comfortable being myself in front of them, and eventually we will be able to have an enjoyable experience together. 

My classes are going to be great, but extremely challenging and time consuming. I knew that going in, but when one homework assignment is to draw 3 different doors in my sketchbook, my heart goes into overdrive and I want to panic. Drawing of ANY kind is NOT my strong suit, and this Scenic Design class just might kill me. My Grad Directing class will be wonderful because I love directing, but the homework load is pretty intense. 

Combine all of that with

my own class lecture work,

grading papers and tests,

working in the Recruitment office everyday,

hopefully Tartuffe rehearsals every night,

trying to work out a few days a week,

and get enough sleep on a regular basis while still maintaining a sliver of a social life............

Let's be real, there will be no social life. 

Yesterday was Saturday, and I spent eight hours doing homework. I'm not even joking a little. It gave me a good idea of what to expect for the next 9 weeks.

Let's settle in, year two. It's gonna be a doozy. 

Week #34 & #35: Two Weeks' Worth.

My 2016

Week #34/#35

Two Weeks' Worth.

Well, for the first time since I started this project back in January...I missed a week.

[Disclaimer: If you lived the past 2 weeks as I did, you wouldn't have blogged either. So I feel like my one slip-up is completely justified.] 

After my last post, I spent my remaining days in Appomattox packing, packing and packing some more. On my very last day, our church produced a worship event called "Experiencing God: The Musical." My dad conducted an orchestra, my mom played the piano and I was able to sing in the choir. It was a wonderful way to conclude my month at home before the craziness begins once again. However, it was rather strange to pack up all of my belongings and leave my home; this time it felt different somehow. I know I'll be back for holidays and school breaks, but I couldn't help wondering if this was the last time I was leaving the house as an actual resident. Hopefully upon graduating in May I'll have a full time job, I'll actually be on my own...for good. It's disconcerting to leave your childhood behind in a room full of trinkets and memories. I'm an adult, I guess? Huh.

Anyway, on Monday morning my parents and I set out for Dayton, TN to pick up my roommate Emilie and all of her belongings. As we sat around the dinner table talking and laughing, I was reminded of how thankful I am for a best friend whose family embraces mine with absolutely no qualms. Her family is like my own, and vice versa. It's a truly beautiful thing. 

Tuesday brought one of the most exhausting road trips I have ever experienced. There was quite a caravan; the Uhaul, my car, Emilie's car, and Em's parents in a car. We stayed all together in a line for the entire 8 hours of driving, and when we finally arrived in Ruston everyone was absolutely spent. Of course, that's when we had to unload EVERYTHING and take it up stairs to our apartment. I've never been so grateful for dads who lift couches, mattresses and heavy boxes for me. I mean, what are dads for, am I right? ;) (They pleaded with us to get boyfriends who could do this sort of thing from now on...)

Our apartment has actually turned out so much better than I could have hoped. My bedroom is rather tiny, but I'm never going to be in there (hashtag gradschoolprobz) so it's really just fine. We're living right next door to another theatre student from Tech, which is a comfort to both of us. As much as I will miss living on campus with an apartment less than 2 minutes from the theatre, it's going to be great to drive away from school and actually be...away. No more fraternities screaming at 3 am. :) 

Our parents left, and Emilie and I have spent the last 3 days setting up all of our knick knacks, running errands, meeting friends for dinner and hang outs, and trying not to think about everything that's about to go down in a few days. We have tomorrow off, and then I'm required to show up at the theatre at 8:30 Tuesday morning, ready to tackle a brand new quarter. It's exciting but also....I'm tired just thinking about all I have on my plate. Then again, what else is new? I mean really. #mylife

So, that's really all I have to say at this point. I realize this blog post is more of a catching-up thing, but so much has happened that it's hard to put into words. However, don't worry; when classes start on Thursday, and MY CLASS STARTS ON FRIDAY, I'll have plenty to say, I'm sure. 

Here's to another quarter, another year, another go at this little thing called grad school. 

I got this.