I've honestly been trying to process all of the things I feel right now...fear of moving somewhere new where I don't know a single soul, the ache of living so far away from everyone I love, and being generally overwhelmed at the realization that yet another chapter of my life is coming to a close.
***
We are always saying goodbye to people, no matter what phase of life we may find ourselves in. It's one of those awful realities we have to face. But it never really gets any easier. Especially for me.
I'm the type of person that hates change, and the type of person that adores my friends. Put those two together, and you have someone who wants nothing more than all of her friends in her life...for always. When I left for college, I fully expected all of my friends from high school to still be around when I graduated. However, with the exception of maybe 4, they weren't. To look back on high school and think of the people I was closest to feels as though I'm looking at someone else's life. I see pictures of me with those people and I don't fully comprehend the intimacy I shared with them, the type of relationships we had.
But here's the weirdest thing about it. As time went on, the feelings of "missing" and "we should really catch up sometime" passed...and I found myself content, complete without them in my life. I had them for a time, and then I moved into a new chapter of my story; their story went in a different direction. And it was finally ok.
Fast forward to graduation from Bryan College. I found myself completely surrounded by people that I had lived everyday life with for 4 years, both the good moments and the beyond horrible days. They had seen me at my worst and loved me all the more for it. I could literally not imagine my life without them. And after we all graduated that day, there were many that I hugged and said "Hey, we'll see each other eventually." A few of them were my very closest, dearest, and best friends...But it's now been almost 2 years and our paths have never crossed again.
It's taken me a lot longer to get to the point where I'm content, complete without these people. These friendships were different; they were deeper, more mature. They were entwined with many more experiences and defined by a wide range of emotions. But although it's taken me more time, I am finally starting to understand that this phase of life is also over. I can still hold onto the memories and the moments I had with these people, but they're not in my life anymore. Again, with the rare exception of a handful of people, I rarely converse with my college friends and find that when we do reunite, we have little to talk about besides the "remember when" conversations. And that's ok. It's as it should be.
(Side Note: There is another group of people at Bryan College, the graduating senior class of this year. They don't really fit into the group I was just describing above...but I'm saving a blog post about them until it gets closer to graduation. So if any of you guys...you know who you are...are reading this, don't freak out. ;) )
And now...I'm about to move and start the process all over again. To be honest....it exhausts me to even think about. This time, I'll only have 2 years to make friendships, to create memories, to love everyday life again.
It sort of terrifies me. I don't want to open up my heart to more people, to allow more friends into my life...and especially not if it means I have to let more of the current ones go.
I hate letting go.
I hate goodbyes.
I hate moving on.
I hate that moment when I cease to feel as deeply as I once did about someone.
Does it really have to be so drastic? Do I really have to discard former friendships to make room for new ones?
***
As you know, I'm a theatre nerd. Although I can't say I'm a huge fan of the show as a whole, the musical "Spring Awakening" has a song that makes me cry every single time I hear it. When I was a senior in college, I sang it with two of my very best friends and ever since then, it hold so much more emotional weight than most songs ever could. I want to share some of the lyrics with you.
Those you've known and lost still walk behind you;
All alone, they linger till they find you.
Without them, the world grows dark around you,
And nothing is the same until you know that they have found you.
Though you know you've left them far behind
You walk on by yourself, and not with them
Still you know they will fill your heart and mind
When they say there's a way through this
Now they'll walk on my arm through the distant night
And I won't let them stray from my heart
Through the wind, through the dark, through the winter light
I will read all their dreams to the stars
They walk with my heart
And I'll never let them go
Not gone; not gone.
When I graduated from Bryan, one of my very closest friends (who was younger than me, and therefore not graduating) sent a few lines of this song to me the night before I left.
Those you've known and lost still walk behind you;
All alone, their song still seems to find you.
I read that, and it practically screamed, "You may be gone from here, but you're still with me because I love you and because you affected my life."
And that's going to be my goal as I enter this new chapter of life; afraid, alone and overwhelmed.
To my friends, the ones who matter to me, wherever they may be:
Though I know I've left them far behind...
They will still fill my heart and mind.
I won't let them stray from my heart...
I'll never let them go.
