The Truth About Why I'm Single.

As a child, I remember countless times of pretending to be a bride in an oversized nightgown, or a mother valiantly toting around baby dolls and trying in vain to feed them fake milk from plastic bottles and change imaginary diapers. 

Little girls always dream of being a wife and mother. I was no different.

But I remember a time when I was young...while sitting at the dinner table, I told my parents that I wanted to have babies, but I didn't want to get married. They sort of glanced at each other, and my mom asked, "Sweetie, you have to get married before you can have a baby." And my response was, "Oh. Well, I'll adopt them." The thought of having to live with a boy disgusted me, and all I wanted was a tiny baby to take care of. Simplicity at its finest.

Fast forward to high school and college days. Life experiences and being around children for various reasons had changed my outlook on marriage and childbearing quite drastically. In fact, I think it safe to say that my views were completely reversed. If you were to ask me what I wanted in life, I would probably have told you, "Well, I'd love to get married...but we are NOT having kids for at least 3 or 4 years...I could probably wait longer than that." The idea of having a child was overwhelming and all I wanted was a best friend to live everyday life with, and who would love me.

However, the main point of this post is to hash through my current view on marriage and family life...which, I am sorry to say, is very poor.

I never thought I would say this: but I have lost a great deal of faith in marriage. And it has recently affected my thoughts on dating as well, to the point where I can safely say that this is why I am single.

***

It hardly needs to be stated; our culture today does not take marriage seriously. Divorce has become a trend, prenuptial agreements are expected and encouraged. Finding whole, stable families is now a rare sight. It's just a sad fact of life.

I personally was blessed to grow up in a committed family with parents who would never dream of giving up. Also, being surrounded by a church family that presented countless examples of godly marriages and strong commitments gave me security. I firmly believed that if two Christians married and were determined to follow God together, their relationship could not fail. That's just the way things worked. However, over the years, life has dealt some severe blows to my naive view of marriage.

Blow #1: When I was 12 or 13, I discovered that my father had been married previously, when he was very young. He was married to a woman who was a Christian, just like himself. They were married for eight years...and then one day, she announced that she didn't love him anymore. And she left. 

This information was overwhelming to me. Not only was the childish security of one's parents always being together from the beginning of time shattered, but I could not understand how someone who loved God would stop loving my dad...or her husband, for that matter. It didn't make sense. 

Blow #2: While I have never been married (thank goodness), I have been in several dating relationships. And at the risk of sounding dramatic, almost every single one ended because they were either being unfaithful or simply grew tired of trying. I realize that dating is designed to be a trial period for marriage; it's not supposed to be a life time commitment. But it was a pattern. Loyalty and commitment, two elements necessary for a thriving relationship, were never there. It never lasted. They always ended up leaving. With these experiences as my only example of a romantic encounter, how could I ever believe that I would find someone to want only me forever? And even more importantly...every single guy I was involved with was a Christian, a believer. We had the same desire for the Lord in our lives, yet still the cheating and desertion continued. If Christian men weren't any different, how could I ever be sure of finding a godly man? 

Blow #3: This last injury to my already struggling faith in marriage occurred over the past year, and it has been the most crushing blow of all. As a young girl, there were several men in my church family that I adored; they were almost like superheroes to me. They were wonderful fathers and husbands. They exhibited the utmost love and commitment for their families and I looked up to them as examples of what I wanted in a husband someday. I knew I was blessed to have so many godly men in my life that reminded me of what I should hold out for.

But over the last year, several of these men have walked out on their wives and families, for various reasons. These men had been married for over 20 years. They had families and decades of a life with their spouses. And then, just like that, they were done. And nothing anyone said seemed to make a difference. They felt no guilt, no shame about their desertion. 

These were the same godly, courageous men that I had watched for so many years, praying that God would send me a man just like them. These were my role models, my heroes. 

If these marriages, which have existed for longer than my entire life, can't survive...if these couples, compiled of two believers with Christ living inside of them, fall apart....how can I ever expect to marry forever?

And I've eventually come to the conclusion that I can't.

It's heartbreaking, because even throughout heartache and pain, I have always managed to believe that one day, that person would come along that won't ever leave and won't ever stop loving me.

But I honestly don't know if I could trust someone that much anymore. 

Think about it: I could find a godly man, committed to the Lord and to me; a man who stands by his promises and who makes a life and a family with me...

But who's to say that 20 years down the road, he wouldn't walk out the door? When would I know without a shadow of a doubt that he's never leaving, that he's never giving up on me?

I've been struggling with this for a long time. To be honest, I haven't wanted to come to this conclusion. I know lots of couples who have thriving, stable marriages. They are happy and content and secure. And that's wonderful. 

I just don't know how I could ever get to that point...to remove all traces of doubt, to never question his loyalty or his commitment.

So for those of you who are in a beautiful marriage blessed by the Lord, I'm not hating on you or trying to belittle your relationship.

I'm simply saying that I don't...I can't believe in marriage personally. Not right now. Not with the things that have happened. And maybe one day, my heart will be changed and God will give me the ability to trust and to commit.

But until that day comes, this is where I am.

#ST14

At this exact moment, I am sitting on a train, typing this blog while looking out at the blur of Washington DC and urging the train to speed ahead to Lynchburg where my home waits for me. I'm sitting here reminiscing on everything that I experienced this summer, and I find it difficult to process all of the emotion that is in my heart. I'm not sure how to go about this, but I know that somehow, I have to figure out what the past 11 weeks have meant to me.

For those of you who aren't aware, I spent my entire summer traveling with Frick & Frack Music, which is a company based in Fredericksburg, VA. They devote their summers to holding performing arts day camps for children at various locations throughout the U.S. They teach kids how to sing, dance, act, and to succeed beyond anything they thought possible. Basically, Frick & Frack believes in holding kids to a higher standard. The music is challenging. The schedule is rather rigorous. But children will rise to whatever bar you set for them. Therefore, we help children to outdo themselves and to be successful in whatever they do. It's a wonderful ministry.

So, on May 25 I packed my bags and headed to Stafford, VA to meet up with the remainder of the staff. My nerves were through the roof and I was overwhelmed by the uncertainty and fear of failure. I had no idea what to expect from this experience. There was not a single person I knew previously on this tour, and as most of you know, that terrifies me. I do NOT handle new people well. When I arrived at the studio where everyone was working, I felt alone and isolated. People were nice enough, but I felt like an outsider looking in at a group that was already formed, already situated. I had no idea how I was going to make friends, let alone ever feel comfortable around them.

However, after a week of packing all of the equipment and sorting through costumes and props, we finally hit the road to Opelousas, LA. Once again, I was overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and fear of the unknown. There had been little explanation of how camp was conducted, and I was in the dark about my responsibilities and the expectations that were placed on me. I found out I was going to be on the staging team, which was exciting (since the other teams were lighting and sound). At least I would be doing something theatre related. I was also going to be a back-up accompanist...weird for me after doing so much accompanying at Bryan, but I was just trying to go with the flow.

***

The first day of camp was...an interesting experience for me.

I felt lost and entirely unprepared. Everyone else seemed to have an idea of what was going on, but I was in the dark. We were assigned our individual dance groups, and I was given the song choreographed for the 5 and 6 year old girls.

For those of you who know me...you know that I don't do well with children anyway. Give me little ones, and it's a potential disaster. So I'm thinking, "This is going to be the longest summer of my life."

But God began to show me, as He did millions of times this summer, that He knows what He's doing and that His ideas for my life are going to be far better than whatever I could plan.

These were 3 of my girls from the first week of camp. They turned out to be so much fun.

This first week was long and confusing, and I got frustrated at times. But when Friday night arrived and I was backstage listening to these children sing their hearts out, I realized that it would be worth it. Helping these kids to succeed...that's what really mattered.

I was also learning a lot about the technical side of theater, which was wonderful because I didn't have a lot of experience in that area.

Putting up the backdrop....eventually I was able to do this :)

Not to mention the friendships that were beginning to solidify. I started to realize that these people were pretty fantastic.

Laura, Sarah & Erica. This was just the beginning.

Week Two found us in Baton Rouge, LA. It was a much smaller camp with vastly different kids. Most of them came from rough home situation and were not as educated as the children from Opelousas. But we still managed to have a fantastic week of camp, and I know I was probably more proud of these kids for persevering through the difficulties.

My 6 year olds for Week Two. Feisty but adorable.

Week Three ended up being the most difficult week of the summer. We were in Slidell, LA. The building where we held camp had no AC, only ventilation fans that brought in hot air from outside. The final show was also held in this building, which meant that working backstage during the performance almost killed the staff and the children involved. It was an exhausting week, and we had one staff member pass out from the intense heat. Because we had so few kids, several of the staff members (including me) had to fill in for the remaining drama parts of the show. It was definitely a huge learning experience in perseverance and flexibility.

Despite the heat, we tried our best to love on these kids.

Week Three complete.

Week Four was exactly what we all needed after the difficult camp at Slidell. We traveled to Palm City, FL. It was sunny, warm and gorgeous...with lots of AC and hot water. :) It's the little things, really.

The kids this week were incredible: enthusiastic, excited and very talented. We barely had to do anything to prepare them for the show! I had another great group of little girls. Our time in Palm City was a gracious gift from God.

I mean, this is the church campus. WHAT.

This week was when Abby and I started to become close friends. 

Week Five held some changes. We acquired a new staff member, Trent, who ended up being one of my best friends this summer. Back in Baton Rouge, we were at a church that had hosted Frick & Frack for 10 years of summer tours. The kids here knew what to expect and they were great to work with.

My girls for this week. Absolutely adorable.

Thomas began his weekly skits with the kids. He would dress up as different characters and interact with them.

Getting to meet this guy changed my life. Really.

Week Six found us in Columbia, SC. This was an amazing place. The church was massive with excellent facilities. But our staff was starting to tire, and as a result we were all rather tense and frustrated. To make things worse, on Friday night after the show, the entire backdrop (which is huge and extremely heavy) fell down. Thankfully, no one was hurt and no equipment was destroyed, but it put a negative spin on everything and I found myself wondering if this was how the remainder of the tour would be. Nevertheless, there were some beautiful moments from this week.

I mean, does this really need a caption?

Thomas came up with even better characters for this week.

Week Seven brought us to Chelsea, AL. At this point the weeks are beginning to run together, and I'm having difficulty remembering what happened where. We spent Sunday at a mall having free time, which was badly needed...and I was able to meet up with old friends from college, so that was huge plus. The week went well. After the first day, the other pianist on staff ended up going home, which meant that I was the only pianist in the group and therefore was playing for every rehearsal. And guess what? I LOVED it. Despite the extra work, I was finally doing what I had been hired to do: accompany. :) 

Family Movie Night: we watched Get Smart. :)

A hymnal we found in the sanctuary. "Bye Mr. Satan."

Week Eight was held in Chattanooga, TN. I can honestly say that this was the best week of camp I experienced all summer. We had 100 kids (largest camp) and they were INCREDIBLE. The show was completely amazing and we had a packed house. Plus, there was a Sonic one minute away from the church and we went every single night. :) Despite the random fire alarm going off at 4 am one night and some sickness among the staff, we had a fantastic week. 

The BEST Carmine and Miranda we had all summer.

Packed audience while kids look on nervously in the balcony.

Week Nine was in Lynchburg, VA. I was not expecting this week to be as hard for me as it was. First of all, I was 20 minutes away from home. All of my friends were within reach and my family was so close...and I realized how much I actually missed them. Then, upon arriving at West Lynchburg Baptist on Sunday, I became quite sick and my friend Abby had to go home due to vertigo. She was supposed to leave a week early anyway, so this meant that we lost our last week with her. I was miserable, still trying my best to fulfill all of my responsibilities and recover from a sinus infection. It was a rough week, and to be honest it was the last place I wanted to be. But God was faithful, and I made it. I also was able to have dinner with my parents one night, which helped to alleviate the homesickness. 

However, Abby came back for the show on Friday night, and we had to say goodbye...for good. Trent and I had become very close with her and the three of us were inseparable. Saying goodbye was difficult; I have no idea if I will ever see her again. But God put her in my life for a reason, and her friendship blessed me so much. I'll never forget her.

Best backstage crew EVER.

So thankful for this girl.

Our final week of tour was held in Stafford, VA...at the Frick & Frack studio. We only had 17 kids (smallest camp) but these children knew what was expected and pulled off the best show I had ever seen. They sang louder and performed above and beyond what I ever thought they could. This week was bittersweet...each day became more difficult as we knew the tour was almost over. The thought of saying goodbye to these people terrified me and I tried to think about it as little as possible. Every moment of this week is so dear to me. 

We would congregate in Erica and I's bedroom and just be together. 

Such a small group; such a powerful performance.

Then came the day everyone was dreading: today. The day we had to say goodbye indefinitely and go our separate ways. And yes, I was sad. But I was also looking forward to going home, to seeing my family and friends, to start packing all of my stuff for my move to Knoxville in 2 weeks. It had been an incredible summer, but it was time to move on to the next thing.

However, I got all of my stuff together, and I went outside to the car...and everyone was just standing around, waiting to say goodbye. With each person I hugged, my emotions got more difficult to control. I opened the car door and looked up to see all of my friends waving, tears in their eyes. Choosing to look away and close the door was the most difficult thing I've done in a long time.

I'm not trying to be dramatic, but these people have changed my life and the experiences I've gone through with them over the past 11 weeks have bonded us in a way that I'll never have with anyone else. And it hurts to think that I may not ever see some of them again. I have no way of knowing where I'll be a year from now, and whether our paths will cross. But I do know this: God blessed me with some incredible friendships and some amazing moments this summer. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

All of this only begins to scratch the surface of my summer. If you want to know more, just ask me. I'm leaving part of my heart with these people, and I'll miss them everyday. Thanks for the memories, guys. I love you all.