The Truth About Why I'm Single.

As a child, I remember countless times of pretending to be a bride in an oversized nightgown, or a mother valiantly toting around baby dolls and trying in vain to feed them fake milk from plastic bottles and change imaginary diapers. 

Little girls always dream of being a wife and mother. I was no different.

But I remember a time when I was young...while sitting at the dinner table, I told my parents that I wanted to have babies, but I didn't want to get married. They sort of glanced at each other, and my mom asked, "Sweetie, you have to get married before you can have a baby." And my response was, "Oh. Well, I'll adopt them." The thought of having to live with a boy disgusted me, and all I wanted was a tiny baby to take care of. Simplicity at its finest.

Fast forward to high school and college days. Life experiences and being around children for various reasons had changed my outlook on marriage and childbearing quite drastically. In fact, I think it safe to say that my views were completely reversed. If you were to ask me what I wanted in life, I would probably have told you, "Well, I'd love to get married...but we are NOT having kids for at least 3 or 4 years...I could probably wait longer than that." The idea of having a child was overwhelming and all I wanted was a best friend to live everyday life with, and who would love me.

However, the main point of this post is to hash through my current view on marriage and family life...which, I am sorry to say, is very poor.

I never thought I would say this: but I have lost a great deal of faith in marriage. And it has recently affected my thoughts on dating as well, to the point where I can safely say that this is why I am single.

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It hardly needs to be stated; our culture today does not take marriage seriously. Divorce has become a trend, prenuptial agreements are expected and encouraged. Finding whole, stable families is now a rare sight. It's just a sad fact of life.

I personally was blessed to grow up in a committed family with parents who would never dream of giving up. Also, being surrounded by a church family that presented countless examples of godly marriages and strong commitments gave me security. I firmly believed that if two Christians married and were determined to follow God together, their relationship could not fail. That's just the way things worked. However, over the years, life has dealt some severe blows to my naive view of marriage.

Blow #1: When I was 12 or 13, I discovered that my father had been married previously, when he was very young. He was married to a woman who was a Christian, just like himself. They were married for eight years...and then one day, she announced that she didn't love him anymore. And she left. 

This information was overwhelming to me. Not only was the childish security of one's parents always being together from the beginning of time shattered, but I could not understand how someone who loved God would stop loving my dad...or her husband, for that matter. It didn't make sense. 

Blow #2: While I have never been married (thank goodness), I have been in several dating relationships. And at the risk of sounding dramatic, almost every single one ended because they were either being unfaithful or simply grew tired of trying. I realize that dating is designed to be a trial period for marriage; it's not supposed to be a life time commitment. But it was a pattern. Loyalty and commitment, two elements necessary for a thriving relationship, were never there. It never lasted. They always ended up leaving. With these experiences as my only example of a romantic encounter, how could I ever believe that I would find someone to want only me forever? And even more importantly...every single guy I was involved with was a Christian, a believer. We had the same desire for the Lord in our lives, yet still the cheating and desertion continued. If Christian men weren't any different, how could I ever be sure of finding a godly man? 

Blow #3: This last injury to my already struggling faith in marriage occurred over the past year, and it has been the most crushing blow of all. As a young girl, there were several men in my church family that I adored; they were almost like superheroes to me. They were wonderful fathers and husbands. They exhibited the utmost love and commitment for their families and I looked up to them as examples of what I wanted in a husband someday. I knew I was blessed to have so many godly men in my life that reminded me of what I should hold out for.

But over the last year, several of these men have walked out on their wives and families, for various reasons. These men had been married for over 20 years. They had families and decades of a life with their spouses. And then, just like that, they were done. And nothing anyone said seemed to make a difference. They felt no guilt, no shame about their desertion. 

These were the same godly, courageous men that I had watched for so many years, praying that God would send me a man just like them. These were my role models, my heroes. 

If these marriages, which have existed for longer than my entire life, can't survive...if these couples, compiled of two believers with Christ living inside of them, fall apart....how can I ever expect to marry forever?

And I've eventually come to the conclusion that I can't.

It's heartbreaking, because even throughout heartache and pain, I have always managed to believe that one day, that person would come along that won't ever leave and won't ever stop loving me.

But I honestly don't know if I could trust someone that much anymore. 

Think about it: I could find a godly man, committed to the Lord and to me; a man who stands by his promises and who makes a life and a family with me...

But who's to say that 20 years down the road, he wouldn't walk out the door? When would I know without a shadow of a doubt that he's never leaving, that he's never giving up on me?

I've been struggling with this for a long time. To be honest, I haven't wanted to come to this conclusion. I know lots of couples who have thriving, stable marriages. They are happy and content and secure. And that's wonderful. 

I just don't know how I could ever get to that point...to remove all traces of doubt, to never question his loyalty or his commitment.

So for those of you who are in a beautiful marriage blessed by the Lord, I'm not hating on you or trying to belittle your relationship.

I'm simply saying that I don't...I can't believe in marriage personally. Not right now. Not with the things that have happened. And maybe one day, my heart will be changed and God will give me the ability to trust and to commit.

But until that day comes, this is where I am.