I realize that my last blog post caused a lot of "controversy" amongst my friends and peers, and that this is the last thing anyone really wants to read.
But for the last few weeks, I've been sitting at home alone for a majority of most days, and therefore I have little to do but think.
Tonight, I was not tired, so I sat in my beanbag chair in the corner of my bedroom and started going through old journals. Yeah, I'm sentimental like that. It's both an endearing quality and an inevitable step to heartache. Tonight was far from endearing. In fact, tonight's discovery has led me into a mixture of depression, embarrassment and total feelings of failure.
Tonight, I found, perused and consequently despised The Husband Journal.
You see, when I was 15 years old, I went to a girls retreat with my youth group. Our leader informed us that we were going to be making "husband boxes." Which meant that we would cover shoeboxes with wedding wrapping paper and fill it with things that we could eventually present to our husbands when we married. Items such as letters, pictures, quotes, etc. Things that would show our husbands how faithfully we had waited for them.
Most of you who will read this blog didn't know me at 15. I was quite different. I was happy, positive, spiritually balanced, pure, content, and basically normal. Yes, this is a far cry from the woman I find myself embodying today. But more about that later.
15 year old Alexis was incredibly excited for this amazing project. I wrote my first letter on a piece of notebook paper and after folding it 20 times, placed it in the box. This was going to be awesome! A few days later, I ended up buying a leather journal so I could write as many letters to my future husband as I wanted. I was going to fill up this book with words of adoration, of hope, and of waiting for him.
The reason I'm telling you all of this is so you will understand what I'm feeling right now. And at the risk of overexposing my teenage years to the critical public eye, I want to show you a few excerpts from this book. I started writing in it when I was 15. I am now 23. I will give you a quote from each year.
2006 (15 years old)
"It's funny-I get so excited when I write these letters because I think about what you will say when you read this and how they will affect you. My prayer is that no matter how silly and unimportant they seem, you will realize how much thought and love was put into each one and will truly appreciate their value."
2007 (16 years old)
"I want you to know something. I am still waiting for you. No matter how hard it becomes, you are the only man I will ever date, ever kiss, and ever marry."
2008 (17 years old)
"It's so hard to wait. I could very easily give my heart away to many guys, but I'm trying to save it for you. God has convicted me of not trusting Him enough. I say that I believe His plan is perfect, but then I don't live like it. Must try harder…"
2009 (18 years old)
"I LOVE COLLEGE. So very much. I know I'm exactly where God wants me. Bryan is such a wonderful place….Sometimes I wonder if I've met you here at Bryan by now. Are we friends? Do we talk? Maybe we have classes together. Wouldn't that be cool…stay strong for me. Wait for me."
2010
(I didn't write anything in this journal from December 3, 2009 to May 10, 2011.)
2011 (20 years old)
"It's been almost 18 months since I wrote in here. I just finished my sophomore year at Bryan College. My 20th birthday was 2 days ago…Honestly, I don't really have a reason why. I think I have been struggling spiritually for a long time, and that has also made me struggle with you. I've lost my faith in the fact that you will come for me and sweep me off my feet. Part of me still yearns to hope, longs to dream…but most of me is tired of being hurt and rejected and lied to…I don't want it anymore."
2012 (21 years old)
"I've been writing in here since I was 15. Five years of my life, bits and pieces, are in this book. And it is sad how much I've changed since then. At 15, I had this perfect dream of finding a guy who was completely pure and had never even considered another girl, and we would know right away that we were meant to be, and it would be perfect, and our first kiss would be with each other…but I don't have my first kiss to give you. I've given my heart away. I've already said 'I love you' to someone else. I am so broken and scarred. How can I dream for something that I'm not anymore?"
2013 (22 years old)
"This journal has almost turned into a joke…First, it's a 15 year old writing stupid nonsense with old fashioned expectations. Now, it's a 22 year old that's been hurt too many times by too many guys, and this girl has very different expectations. I've changed so much in 7 years, and some of it's not pretty."
2014 (23 years old)
"I'm beginning to realize that the reason I don't write in this journal for a year in between each entry is because whenever I open it and read what I've written over the years…I hate myself. So much….I was young, no idea of what was ahead. No idea at all. And the thing is, I can't even remember what it felt like to be so full of hope and excitement--to be pure and expectant of all my dreams coming true. And even worse: I don't want to be her. It's not me. Now I'm the girl who has kissed multiple guys, almost all of which weren't even dating me. I'm the girl who has been touched and undressed without feeling guilty or remorseful. I'm the girl who shared a bed with a man because I was lonely and afraid. And now I'm the girl who has been abandoned and rejected by every man I've ever given my heart to. I feel like there's nothing left. And I've stopped believing that you exist."
***
I'm perfectly sure that most of you will think this was highly inappropriate to share on a public blog. But I honestly don't even care. Yeah, it's personal. It's REALLY personal. I haven't shared most of that stuff with more than 5 people…ever. But right now, I'm just so overwhelmed by the fragments of who I used to be and the reflection of who I am today. The differences are astounding, and I can't believe how much has changed. How many steps I took down this path. How vastly different my life was from what I imagined and dreamed it would be.
I don't think I'll be giving this journal to anyone, ever. But maybe I'll keep it for me; a sobering reminder of the choices I made, the people I used, the lessons I learned, and the heartache I lived through.
Maybe one day I'll discover something worthwhile that came from all of this mess.
I love this Alexis and I admire your ability to share such deep parts of your past and your feelings! I am much the same way as you were and are now. I have kept every journal starting from the 6th grade and occasionally I delve into the depths of my past, and it only ends in hatred and heartache. Just know you aren't alone, and I (and I'm sure many others) think you have a beautiful soul :* :)
ReplyDeleteI never kept a journal that wasn't a devotional journal, but I want you to know that I have been there and I have experienced many of these trials. You are not alone, you are never alone, and so many of us have nothing but love for you. You won't act upon it, but know that my ear is always open and being a little older and more crotchety, I'll share some wisdom, be it sage, rosemary, or thyme. All my love, Oedipops :-)
ReplyDeleteI want you to know first of all that I love and care about you. I have been through a lot of those same things. Immature hopes and expectations that are crushed by real life. Trusting another human being with my most vulnerable self (both physically and emotionally) only to have it later rejected and thrown back in my face. Feeling lost and abandoned when all I ever wanted was to be loved as deeply as I loved. Life is not a fairy tale and the "true love waits" campaign has really just twisted our thinking to believe that if we just want it badly enough, God will reward us with our Prince Charming who is perfect and unblemished. It sucks, because that's not how it works. But there is hope amidst the pain, and that is that even when we are broken, stained, and scarred, God still wants us. He still loves us. He may or may not send a spouse our way, but he will send to us a Bridegroom in his beloved Son. I know that our situations are not exactly the same, because yes I did get married, so you might not even want to hear from me about all this stuff. That's ok. But I have been where you currently are. And sometimes it just helps to know that someone else out there knows what you're going through, and whose heart beats in rhythm with yours as that old pain resurfaces. I'm sorry you have been so beaten-down. I am always here if you need me. I love you, Lex. Always. -Kelsey
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