One Day I'll Eat With Chopsticks In My Apartment While Changing a Diaper...(Life Goals)

So I was looking through my blog...I don't really update it that much. I find myself wishing I could write more often, but when I sit down with a blank page in front of me I discover that I have very little to say. Whether that is the result of having no talent in the writing department or simply that my life is not that exciting right now, who can say. However, I found my post from long ago on the 21 things I hoped to accomplish before turning the age of 21. It was slightly humorous and much more depressing to see how many of those things were actually completed. 

Three.

Yes, I got straight As through my junior year.

 I gave a somewhat successful junior recital. 

I saw a llama. 

That was the extent of my accomplishments. Man, I really lived that year, huh.

It has motivated me to create a new list. I realize that there are only 5 1/2 months left before my 23rd birthday, but I am determined to make myself live life to the best of my ability.

Some of these things are silly.

Some of them are downright meaningless. 

Some of these have already been completed (for instance, I've lost 30 pounds, I've become more consistent in my spiritual walk, and I'm supposed to get an iPhone next week *knock on wood*). 

Some of them mean more to me than you could ever realize. 

Here's to telling you the stories behind each one someday.

23 Things I Want to Do Before I Turn 23

1. Finish my Theatre Degree.

2. Finally have an iPhone.

3. Write letters to my friends at Bryan on a regular basis.

4. Find someone older to mentor me.

5. Lose 30 pounds.

6. Get to the point where I exercise every day.

7. Save up at least $300 in my savings account.

8. Apply for grad school.

9.  Learn to eat with chopsticks.

10. Have daily time with God.

11. Go on a real date.

12. Help with a proposal.

13. Go on a weekend camping trip.

14. Take a whirlwind weekend trip to Nashville.

15. Read a book by my one of my favorite authors, Charles Dickens.

16. Read a book by an author recommended, P.G. Wodehouse.

17. Make my college scrapbook.

18. Visit Bryan College at least 3 times next semester.

19. Learn to cook….well.

20. Run a 5K.

21. Learn to change a diaper(no, I never had to).

22. Have my own apartment.

23. Take jazz piano lessons.

My Heart: 2 Months Overdue.

You guys are going to have to bear with me because this may be a bit lengthy.

However, I wanted to let everyone know what the Lord's been doing in my heart over the past 2 months. There are a few special people that already know and have been helping me through this journey, but I think it's a good time for me to share it with the rest of you.

About 2 months ago, we had a worship chapel here at Bryan, and it really affected me in a way that I have rarely experienced. The theme of the chapel seemed to be centered around giving your whole heart to the Lord, making sure that you weren't holding on to any part of it for yourself.

Throughout the entire hour, I could feel the Lord gently tapping my shoulder, quietly saying, "Yeah...so you know how you have this dream of doing theatre with your life and being an actress in L.A. and making it big time? That's not from Me. So you need to let it go."

Now you have to understand...my entire life I've just assumed I would end up doing something with music or theatre as a career. It's my biggest passion. The arts are what I've spent my whole childhood and college career pursuing. To be frank, I'm good at it. Everyone tells me that. I went through countless competitions and came out on top 90% of the time. When it comes to performing, that's where I excel. It's the essence of who I am, of who I have been...forever.

So that's me. And this is what's happening. In that moment...I panicked. "So, Lord...what You're essentially saying...is that I should just give up everything I've ever wanted for my life and what I've spent the past 22 years doing...and just walk away from it?"

Somehow, I was expecting God to say, "Oh gosh no! Miscommunication, Lex! Sorry if it came across that way. Not what I meant at ALL. Carry on."

But all I got was, "Yes."

Bam.

Bring on the heartbreak. Let the tears commence.

And that's exactly what happened.

For the next week, I was literally brokenhearted. I couldn't find a reason to be happy or joyful...God had asked so much of me and I was so unprepared for the sacrifice that it stripped away every ounce of stability and emotional strength I had.

I was completely and utterly broken before the Lord...a place I'd never been before.

As I searched for the reason this had happened and why it was happening now (worst time possible, right when college is about to end), I found myself turning to God at every possible moment. I sought Him out throughout the day and just basked in His presence, as well as yelling at Him from time to time. I just didn't understand. If this was never His plan for me, why did He allow me to continue on throughout highschool and college, not obtaining one but two college degrees in things I'm evidently not called to pursue? It didn't make sense to me. I'd always been told that God gives us our passions and our talents for a reason. Okay. So then why was I being asked to walk away from everything I was gifted in? Was my entire life one big huge waste of wrong choices? Had I been lying to myself for all of these years?

A lot of time has passed since this first happened...and it's been a very grueling process. A process of me letting go. I was talking to my best friend on the phone one day, and I said, "I just don't understand why I'm so heartbroken. Shouldn't I feel peace and joy that I'm finally following the Lord and not just doing what my own selfish nature wants?" She replied, "Lex, you're watching your dreams die. It's okay to hurt. That's an incredibly difficult thing to endure. God doesn't expect you to be okay right now. You're following Him, and sometimes that causes pain in the moment." The thought of my dreams dying was a wonderful image for me to cling to, and it gave me a new perspective. Yes, my dreams were being crushed by the Lord...but He was going to give me new dreams...dreams that were straight from His heart to mine. And I know without a doubt that these dreams will completely transform my life into something beautiful for Him.

Those dreams have actually begun to take shape...it's very unclear and very broad right now, but for the past few years I have felt an increasing burden for homosexuals and their struggle within our culture, particularly the church. I believe the church has seriously dropped the ball on this issue and as Christians, we need to radically alter the way we view homosexuals and how we love and reach out to them. I've spent a great deal of time praying about this and seeking counsel from mentors, and although I have no idea what this means, I am confident that this burden is from Him and He will use it in a way I can't even begin to imagine right now.

So, I know this was really long, and not very poetic or put together...but it's straight from my heart. I hope that you will take what I've shared and pray with me about it; that the Lord will continue to lead me on a daily basis down the road He's creating for me, and that I will have the courage and desire to follow Him, no matter where it takes me or what it takes me away from.