However, I wanted to let everyone know what the Lord's been doing in my heart over the past 2 months. There are a few special people that already know and have been helping me through this journey, but I think it's a good time for me to share it with the rest of you.
About 2 months ago, we had a worship chapel here at Bryan, and it really affected me in a way that I have rarely experienced. The theme of the chapel seemed to be centered around giving your whole heart to the Lord, making sure that you weren't holding on to any part of it for yourself.
Throughout the entire hour, I could feel the Lord gently tapping my shoulder, quietly saying, "Yeah...so you know how you have this dream of doing theatre with your life and being an actress in L.A. and making it big time? That's not from Me. So you need to let it go."
Now you have to understand...my entire life I've just assumed I would end up doing something with music or theatre as a career. It's my biggest passion. The arts are what I've spent my whole childhood and college career pursuing. To be frank, I'm good at it. Everyone tells me that. I went through countless competitions and came out on top 90% of the time. When it comes to performing, that's where I excel. It's the essence of who I am, of who I have been...forever.
So that's me. And this is what's happening. In that moment...I panicked. "So, Lord...what You're essentially saying...is that I should just give up everything I've ever wanted for my life and what I've spent the past 22 years doing...and just walk away from it?"
Somehow, I was expecting God to say, "Oh gosh no! Miscommunication, Lex! Sorry if it came across that way. Not what I meant at ALL. Carry on."
But all I got was, "Yes."
Bam.
Bring on the heartbreak. Let the tears commence.
And that's exactly what happened.
For the next week, I was literally brokenhearted. I couldn't find a reason to be happy or joyful...God had asked so much of me and I was so unprepared for the sacrifice that it stripped away every ounce of stability and emotional strength I had.
I was completely and utterly broken before the Lord...a place I'd never been before.
As I searched for the reason this had happened and why it was happening now (worst time possible, right when college is about to end), I found myself turning to God at every possible moment. I sought Him out throughout the day and just basked in His presence, as well as yelling at Him from time to time. I just didn't understand. If this was never His plan for me, why did He allow me to continue on throughout highschool and college, not obtaining one but two college degrees in things I'm evidently not called to pursue? It didn't make sense to me. I'd always been told that God gives us our passions and our talents for a reason. Okay. So then why was I being asked to walk away from everything I was gifted in? Was my entire life one big huge waste of wrong choices? Had I been lying to myself for all of these years?
A lot of time has passed since this first happened...and it's been a very grueling process. A process of me letting go. I was talking to my best friend on the phone one day, and I said, "I just don't understand why I'm so heartbroken. Shouldn't I feel peace and joy that I'm finally following the Lord and not just doing what my own selfish nature wants?" She replied, "Lex, you're watching your dreams die. It's okay to hurt. That's an incredibly difficult thing to endure. God doesn't expect you to be okay right now. You're following Him, and sometimes that causes pain in the moment." The thought of my dreams dying was a wonderful image for me to cling to, and it gave me a new perspective. Yes, my dreams were being crushed by the Lord...but He was going to give me new dreams...dreams that were straight from His heart to mine. And I know without a doubt that these dreams will completely transform my life into something beautiful for Him.
Those dreams have actually begun to take shape...it's very unclear and very broad right now, but for the past few years I have felt an increasing burden for homosexuals and their struggle within our culture, particularly the church. I believe the church has seriously dropped the ball on this issue and as Christians, we need to radically alter the way we view homosexuals and how we love and reach out to them. I've spent a great deal of time praying about this and seeking counsel from mentors, and although I have no idea what this means, I am confident that this burden is from Him and He will use it in a way I can't even begin to imagine right now.
So, I know this was really long, and not very poetic or put together...but it's straight from my heart. I hope that you will take what I've shared and pray with me about it; that the Lord will continue to lead me on a daily basis down the road He's creating for me, and that I will have the courage and desire to follow Him, no matter where it takes me or what it takes me away from.
Now you have to understand...my entire life I've just assumed I would end up doing something with music or theatre as a career. It's my biggest passion. The arts are what I've spent my whole childhood and college career pursuing. To be frank, I'm good at it. Everyone tells me that. I went through countless competitions and came out on top 90% of the time. When it comes to performing, that's where I excel. It's the essence of who I am, of who I have been...forever.
So that's me. And this is what's happening. In that moment...I panicked. "So, Lord...what You're essentially saying...is that I should just give up everything I've ever wanted for my life and what I've spent the past 22 years doing...and just walk away from it?"
Somehow, I was expecting God to say, "Oh gosh no! Miscommunication, Lex! Sorry if it came across that way. Not what I meant at ALL. Carry on."
But all I got was, "Yes."
Bam.
Bring on the heartbreak. Let the tears commence.
And that's exactly what happened.
For the next week, I was literally brokenhearted. I couldn't find a reason to be happy or joyful...God had asked so much of me and I was so unprepared for the sacrifice that it stripped away every ounce of stability and emotional strength I had.
I was completely and utterly broken before the Lord...a place I'd never been before.
As I searched for the reason this had happened and why it was happening now (worst time possible, right when college is about to end), I found myself turning to God at every possible moment. I sought Him out throughout the day and just basked in His presence, as well as yelling at Him from time to time. I just didn't understand. If this was never His plan for me, why did He allow me to continue on throughout highschool and college, not obtaining one but two college degrees in things I'm evidently not called to pursue? It didn't make sense to me. I'd always been told that God gives us our passions and our talents for a reason. Okay. So then why was I being asked to walk away from everything I was gifted in? Was my entire life one big huge waste of wrong choices? Had I been lying to myself for all of these years?
A lot of time has passed since this first happened...and it's been a very grueling process. A process of me letting go. I was talking to my best friend on the phone one day, and I said, "I just don't understand why I'm so heartbroken. Shouldn't I feel peace and joy that I'm finally following the Lord and not just doing what my own selfish nature wants?" She replied, "Lex, you're watching your dreams die. It's okay to hurt. That's an incredibly difficult thing to endure. God doesn't expect you to be okay right now. You're following Him, and sometimes that causes pain in the moment." The thought of my dreams dying was a wonderful image for me to cling to, and it gave me a new perspective. Yes, my dreams were being crushed by the Lord...but He was going to give me new dreams...dreams that were straight from His heart to mine. And I know without a doubt that these dreams will completely transform my life into something beautiful for Him.
Those dreams have actually begun to take shape...it's very unclear and very broad right now, but for the past few years I have felt an increasing burden for homosexuals and their struggle within our culture, particularly the church. I believe the church has seriously dropped the ball on this issue and as Christians, we need to radically alter the way we view homosexuals and how we love and reach out to them. I've spent a great deal of time praying about this and seeking counsel from mentors, and although I have no idea what this means, I am confident that this burden is from Him and He will use it in a way I can't even begin to imagine right now.
So, I know this was really long, and not very poetic or put together...but it's straight from my heart. I hope that you will take what I've shared and pray with me about it; that the Lord will continue to lead me on a daily basis down the road He's creating for me, and that I will have the courage and desire to follow Him, no matter where it takes me or what it takes me away from.
That's really amazing. Over the last couple years I've had to deal with God shutting several doors on things I'd thought I was going to do––so while I know it hurts, those were only things I'd been looking forward to/preparing for much shorter periods of time. I can't begin to imagine what losing a life-long ambition that you had reason to believe would actually work out is like.
ReplyDeleteYou're completely right though. If God has called us away from one thing, it's only because he has something better, even if we can't even imagine how it could be better in the moment.
Thanks for sharing and being honest.