"I could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing, and I want to change because it is God's way...I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently."
-Donald Miller
As another year draws to a close, I've been trying to think of a way to process everything that's happened in my life over the last 12 months.
In the past, I try to focus on the funny moments of the year, the cute memories and experiences that have left me smiling. I post pictures or tweets, quotes or song lyrics that sum up my life at that time.
But this year is...different.
It's difficult to look back at who I was on January 1, 2017 and who I am now...363 days later. So much has changed. Things that I never thought would happen have happened, and things I had every confidence in have been shattered. Unlikely friendships have been formed, and lifelong friendships have been torn apart.
This year was one that I have trouble talking about, for a variety of reasons. But I know that I need to.
I could definitely find pictures and memories that would give you the impression that 2017 was a year of nothing but laughter, friends and countless exciting milestones to celebrate. It wouldn't be dificult.
But when I look back over 2017, I have to focus on what I learned, on the ways I grew as a person. And most of that isn't funny or pretty or cute.
You wanna know what just really irks me about 2017?
Before the year even began, I had made a list of New Year's Resolutions, and I was way too excited about living them out. I'll write them down here for you to appreciate, because when I look at them now-a year later-I'm filled with a mixture of satisfaction and heartache.
1. Tell people how you really feel about them.
2. Take more risks.
I can tell you that in no uncertain terms, I fulfilled those resolutions. And it didn't quite turn out the way I thought it would. Isn't that always how it goes, though? The things we think we want most end up being the source of our sorrow.
"Life is messy. Many of us are left reeling from our messes, knocked off-kilter when life takes a turn from the scripts we've plotted out for our lives. Why are we so caught off guard by the fact that life is chaotic and unpredictable?...We deny the possibility that God intended the difficulties of life to become a small part of His bigger story. We cannot accept the idea that the heartbreaks and hurdles are meant to become trophies of His grace rather than secrets to be buried."
-Vicki Courtney
I have to be honest with you, reader. I have tried multiple different approaches to writing this post. And every time I write something, I end up deleting it. Because there's just no good way for me to explain what this year ended up being in my life.
As I sit here in front of my computer, staring at a nearly blank page, I'm asking myself the question:
What was 2017 for me?
2017 was a new beginning; a fresh start where I could have complete confidence in who I was and what I wanted out of life, out of relationships, out of my future.
(Reality: Within two weeks, I found myself questioning a lot of that, especially with regards to relationships. And the decisions I made in those first initial days of January ended up drastically affecting how the rest of the year unfolded. It's a huge part of my year, but I'm not going to spend time hashing through that again. It's in the past and that's where it needs to stay.)
2017 was a time to make lasting memories with my friends from Louisiana Tech. We traveled to New Orleans for a weekend. We had countless family dinner nights. We celebrated everyone's birthdays and loved each other as much as we possibly could.
2017 was the closing chapter of my time in graduate school. I tried my best to learn all I could from my final classes. I successfully passed my comprehensive exams without having a total meltdown. I soaked in every last second I could at this wonderful place.
2017 was the year I turned 26 and realized that I'm closer to 30 than I am 20 now. And that was a weird realization. I'm still young, but I'm not as young as I was. It's a little terrifying.
2017 was the year I spent a summer struggling, plain and simply. I struggled through an exhausting theatre gig. I struggled to make long distance connections stay alive. I struggled to let go of people that were no longer meeting me halfway. I struggled to accept the things I could not change about the 6 months that were behind me, and to forgive myself for decisions I made during that time. I struggled to embrace the remaining 6 months as something new and exciting, instead choosing to cling to memories of a past that was not going to be in my future any longer.
"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much,
and forgetting that you are special too."
-Ernest Hemingway
2017 was the year I learned it's impossible to let go of someone who's standing right in front of you, even if you want to. It's ridiculously hard to heal from being hurt when that hurt is staring you in the face every single day, taunting you and making your heart ache constantly. It's something that I never hope to experience again.
"When I began holding onto God, it became easier for me to let go of depression.
When I began holding hands with love, it became easier to let go of you.
When I began fitting my fingers in the space between the future's fingers, it became easier to see how the past is over, and understand that time doesn't look back."
-Pierre Jeanty
2017 was the year I found myself at home again, living with my parents and feeling stuck. But I'm realizing that with everything I've been through, it's exactly what I need right now.
"She understood that the hardest times in life to go through
were when you were transitioning from one version of yourself to another."
-Sarah Addison Allen
What have I learned from 2017?
I've learned that it's ok to not be ok. (Just don't let it last forever.)
I've learned that I have to stop putting my happiness in the hands of others and allowing them to determine the way I view myself, my worth and my future.
I've learned that sometimes you have to just take time for yourself to stop, press restart and figure out who you are again.
I've learned that our deepest aches and darkest secrets can become a blessing in disguise.
I've learned that true friends will never leave you, no matter how much distance is between you and how much time goes by.
I've learned that I can let go of a person without letting go of the memories I have with them.
I've learned that better things are ahead than any we leave behind.
I've learned that your pain always has a purpose...and eventually everything will come together the way it's supposed to.
I'll be honest with you. This year I think I lost sight of who I am and what I really want out of life. I allowed myself to be engulfed in a few unhealthy relationships that made me feel insecure and that I was second best. I forced myself to believe that in order to make others happy, I had to give them what they wanted. I forgot the person I used to be and became distracted by a way of life I had never wanted before.
But as December 31 winds down, I'm not really feeling that depressed or overwhelmed. Instead, I feel a great deal of hope and anticipation that 2018 is going to be full of new beginnings, fresh starts, and renewed perspectives.
I think some years are more difficult than others, and some years serve as a catapault to get you where you need to be for the next step of your life.
2017 has been both of those things. But it's time to let the past be the lesson it was meant to be, and look forward to the New Year with all of its potential to change my life forever.
Gosh...I can't wait.
One day you will wake up
and all of the waiting
will have made sense.
You will realize
that all of the prayers
that seemed to be
tangled in worries
were actually wrapped tightly
in God's grace.
You will realize that
even though before
you were certain it was over
you were actually...okay,
and everything that was
supposed to happen happened
and you are right where
you need to be.
-Morgan Harper Nichols
You are but now coming to the heart and beauty of your story.
-Jane Austen
