AUGUST 2018
The best thing about being a teacher is that it matters.
The hardest thing about being a teacher is that it matters every day.
-Todd Whitaker
Song #1: Atlas: Six, Sleeping at Last
I had the most vivid dream...
My feet had left the ground,
I was floating to heaven
But I could only look down.
My mind was heavy,
Running ragged with worst case scenarios,
Emergency exits and the distance below.
I woke up so worried that the angels let go.
Oh God I'm so tired
of being afraid.
What would it feel like
to put this baggage down?
If I'm being honest,
I'm not sure I'd know how.
I want to take shelter but I'm ready, ready tofight
and somewhere in the middle I feel a little paralyzed-
But maybe I'm stronger than I realize
I want to believe
No, I choose to believe
that I was made to become
a sanctuary.
Fear won't go away
but I can keep it at bay
and these invisible walls
just might keep us safe.
With vigilant heart,
I'll push into the dark
but I"ll learn to breathe deep
and make peace with the stars.
Is that courage or faith
to show up everyday?
To trust that there will be light
always waiting behind
even the darkest of nights
And no matter what,
somehow we'll be okay.
Don't be afraid.
Obviously, this post is late.
That's because my life is so chaotic right now that I have barely had time to breathe, much less sit down and write out my thoughts about anything personal.
In fact, I should probably be working on something for classes or the show or looking ahead to next semester.
But I don't want to forget this time in my life. This season....this moment.
And yes, it should come as no surprise to you that I'm quoting Into the Woods. My favorite Sondheim musical.
Oh, if life were made of moments
Even now and then a bad one
But if life were only moments
Then you'd never know you had one...
Let the moment go
Don't forget it for a moment though...
I love those lyrics. Because I think that so often, I have a tendency to want my entire life to be moments that are meaningful and significant and dramatic and permanently altering.
And while that's not how it normally works...this past month has been one of the unusual times where there are so many "moments" I know are worth mentioning.
So many moments that I know are significant.
So many moments that I want to look back on and think,
"Yep. That right there...that was important."
So for this month, I'm going to list the significant moments that have occurred since August 1.
-There's nothing that can adequately describe the moment when you get a text message that says your best friend of 20 years had her baby: a beautiful little girl named Penelope Rachel Small.
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| ...And yes, I am Auntie Lex <3 |
-After four years of lengthy phone calls and Skype convos, I was able to talk and laugh in person with Kelly Findley, the Phil to my Darlene and someone who has proven his loyalty to our friendship 100 times over.
-I spent so many hours in the Theatre office, moving furniture around, attempting to make it my own...and I definitely had a moment where I sat in the chair, looked around the office and thought, "Ok. I finally feel like I belong here." Now THAT was a weird feeling.
-Creating social media accounts for the Bryan College Theatre program (something I've wanted to do for SUCH a long time) and having the students get behind it 100%. It's so cool to see my experience with social media at Louisiana Tech (as well as my own personal obsession with it that everyone makes so much fun of) actually pay off in a legitimate way.
-Casting my first full-scale show and loving every second of putting this production together.
(FYI, one of my new favorite things is to sit in my office after the cast list has gone up and listen to people's reactions when they see their name on it. I get so much joy out of hearing their excitement and passion for the show.)
One of my dearest friends from Louisiana Tech, Travis Fontenot, stopped over on his way back to Ruston. I'm not sure when I'll see him again, but he's going to do incredible things as the Executive Director of the Dixie Center for the Arts, and I hope our paths do cross again in the future.
"Here's the thing about the beginning of your teaching career....you're going to mess up. You're going to make terrible mistakes and look back and say, 'I can't believe I used to do that.' It's part of the process. You need to accept the fact that you're going to be giving them a crappy education at times, and that is ok.
Because the failures are going to make you a better teacher in the long run."
Song #2: Worry, Andrew Osenga
Why do you worry, my dear friend
I know you're hurting with no end
I feel your anger-recognize it like my face in a pool
Worry is killing us; it robs us of today
It won't change anything or take the pain away
We hid in dizziness and hear ourselves say
That we trust the hand of God...
-Having a night of tablework for The Matchmaker and listening to 16 students share their insanely creative and thoughtful ideas about the characters they are portraying.
-My onstage soulmate and my best friend, the one who knows me better than I know myself, and the one who honestly encapsulates so much of what Bryan College means to me...well, he came to see me. He came to two of my rehearsals, spent an entire day on campus, and for a brief moment the world felt almost right again. It was wonderful to be with him again and to see his excitement for this new step in my career. So thankful for the years of our relationship. I genuinely don't know what my life would be like if it wasn't for him and his love for me.
-Two of the theatre majors at Bryan spent their summer as interns with Cumberland County Playhouse, and Bernie and I went to see them perform in Legally Blonde. Having Mr. B around for this year is such a wonderful support system for me. I'm beyond grateful to have his advice and encouragement on a daily basis.
There are a lot of other moments I could probably mention....but the main point is that my life is overflowing with experiences right now.
I'm feeling overwhelmed and out of my league on a daily basis, and constantly think I'm going to have a meltdown from exhaustion and anxiety; however, I've been told this is completely normal and that it will eventually pass.
But here's something super cool: I'm learning so much about transparency and being open with students. It helps a lot to remember how I felt as a college student and what made me respect my professors. Most of the time, it was when they were honest about where they were at. So I decided that I needed to take the risk and be a little more vulnerable with my students. And it has made a difference in ways I couldn't have imagined.
However.........the really, really, really AWESOME thing that happened in regards to that topic has occurred in the month of September. So I'm going to wait on that until next month.
(But make sure to check back, cause it's honestly such an amazing story.)
Song #3: dear insecurity, gnash
Dear insecurity
When you gonna take your hands off me?
When you ever gonna let me be
Proud of who I am?
Oh insecurity
When you gonna take your hands off me?
When you ever gonna let me be
Just the way I am?
Dear insecurity
I overthink everything til' my thoughts are impaired
I hate everything about me I think I need some air
Drink some water, take a breath
Take a moment to be thankful for the reasons that you're blessed
It's not about mistakes you made or failures that you had
It's all about the memories and little things you have
Your freckles and flaws to your body and bruises
Your scars to your beautiful birth marks, the truth is
We're one in the same
So play the cards that your dealt
Nobody likes you more than when you're being yourself
I am
Proud of the person who I am
Nobody's gon' tell me who I am
Or who I can be
I am
Taking my life into my hands
They're tired of hiding who I am
I am me, so...
Just the way I am
I am proud of who I am
