Paralyzed.

It's 1:15 am.

It's late. But until I allow my thoughts to spill over these keys I touch and somehow communicate to the sleeping world how I feel...I'll be wide awake.

***

There's something you need to know about me. My biggest fear is disappointing others; of letting people down, of being less than what they expected me to be. My biggest fear is doing something that will wreck my life forever, that will stain my future and haunt me mercilessly. My biggest fear is hearing the words, "I am so disappointed in you." The mere thought of that causes my heart to race, my breathing to become shallow and my emotions to kick into overdrive.

Basically, it paralyzes me.

And that's exactly where I am.

In 5 days, I am leaving for 11 weeks to travel with a tour group that does camps for children. It's a wonderful opportunity and I am sure that I will love it and learn a lot from it. But I also know that I have to decide what comes afterwards. What's the next step for me? What am I supposed to do?

***

I know what my heart wants. So you'd think that would mean I'd made my decision. But you see....it's not that simple. Deep down, I keep replaying the scene in my head where I'm standing there, tail tucked between my legs...a failure. And in front of me stand the people I let down, all of the people who find me underpar. And they say,

"Alexis, we're so disappointed in you. You failed."

I replay my biggest fear coming to life. And then everything clouds over and once again, I'm stuck at the crossroads, begging for clarity. For a lightning bolt. For something.

Everything within me wants to just CHOOSE already and move on. But I'm glued to this spot, frantically swerving my attention from one choice to another, overwhelming my mind and crippling my heart.

How do I decide? How do I make the "right" choice? Is there even a right choice to make?

***

I feel like this blog post is not structured or unified in any way. It's literally my thoughts as they occur to me; bleeding in paragraphs for your reading pleasure. I do apologize for that, although if you're reading this you must care enough to have made it this far. So I guess I don't apologize after all.

***

My entire life, I've been taught that God directs our paths. The phrase "God's got it all under control" has been drilled into my head for years. He's not going to let me down. He is always there, He knows everything about my future. Everything happens for a reason. Everything serves a purpose.

Yes, that may be. Everything does serve a purpose. But aren't there multiple ways a situation can occur? Aren't there multiple ways we could learn from something?

Take the concept of relationships. I was involved with a guy last fall. It happened quickly, and out of nowhere. He was my best friend and I trusted him implicitly. He understood me as no one has. He helped me through a time of difficulty. He was there when my life changed forever and he held my hand through the tears and the pain. I couldn't have done it without him. I know that for certain. God put him in my life at that moment to help me through what transpired.

But here's my question. Could he have been there for me like I needed, could he have been a friend in a time of trouble, could he have served the purpose God intended him to serve without being a lover? If I had chosen not to take that path, if I had chosen not to kiss him and not to throw caution to the wind...would I still have had his hand to hold when I needed it, just as a friend? What if that was how God wanted me to do things?

But I didn't.

And so the path changed, even though the main purpose remained the same.
I still learned. But the journey, and therefore the choices, and therefore the consequences, were altered.

***

Life is nothing but one choice after another. Every single moment of every single day is made up entirely of choices. Even the most mundane ones can have a significant effect on our lives.

So now, when I am faced with a decision of how to live my life...I am paralyzed.

I am completely and utterly paralyzed by the thought of having to choose.

Because I've been faced with decisions like this before. And it's so hard to know if I chose correctly.

What if I do that again?

***

I thought writing all of this out would help me somehow. But it hasn't, not much anyway. I still have a choice to make, and I am nowhere closer to finding the answer.

Here's to hoping that with the dawn comes a decision.

And here's to a sleepless night of waiting for it to arrive.