What Do You Want?

Well, it's been a little over a month...

A lot has happened in that time.

The production I'm serving as Music Director for, Six Women with Brain Death,or Expiring Minds Want to Know, is starting to come together. It's been really exciting to teach harmonies, have music rehearsals, and watch these girls become more confident and capable in their roles. The position of Music Director is a pretty unique one, but I'm learning a lot and I'm hoping I get the chance to do this again wherever I end up after this.

I've also been working a lot on planning a theatre alumni reunion for our Homecoming weekend (which, consequently, is also the same weekend as the show. Gotta love theatre schedules.) Putting together a huge database of alumni information, sending out letters and invitations, planning dinners and receptions, and a lot of other things has kept me pretty busy.

But over the past few days, things have slowed down quite a bit. I'm pretty sure it's just the calm before the storm--that's typically how this sort of thing goes--but as I've been sitting in the theatre building with not much to do, I've found myself spending a lot of time thinking.

I got a text earlier this week that simply said, "What do you want?" When I got the message, I was immediately confused. That's such an overwhelmingly broad question. They meant it to be; it was supposed to be a conversation starter, I suppose. But it got me thinking...

What do I want? Like, really. In my life, in my career, in my relationships....

And the terrifying thing is, a lot of times, I'm not sure I know.

When the friend asked me this question, I answered with surface-level stuff. You know, saying things like "I want to live in my own place again," or "I want it to be Friday." But a question like that forces you to really look at yourself and analyze the direction your life is heading.

I have no idea where I'm going to be after this. I have tentative plans, I have tentative ideas. But the reality is, my life is about to change once again, and who knows where I'll end up.

That's fine. That's normal. Except I don't know where I WANT to end up. What do I want??? What do I want out of my life?

I was talking about it with my friend Anne (by the way, if you've never met Anne Brown, you are missing out on an incredible presence in your life. This girl has been my constant support while I've struggled to make sense of this quarter at Tech, and she has been a solid source of truth when I needed to hear it...even when I didn't want to. Shoutout to you, A).

Anyway, I told her about the question I was asked and how much I had been thinking about it. She looked at me and said, "Lex, I think instead of asking 'What do you want,' you should be asking 'What do you need?' Stop focusing on what you want to be happy, and think about what it is that you need in order to feel fulfilled and happy in life." 

So......what do I need?

I need to be surrounded by friends who love me and will stand behind me no matter what.

I need to be able to express my emotions through writing (like I am here).

I need to remember my life, and I do that through taking pictures. (Which I haven't done lately.)

I need to be involved in some kind of performing arts, whether that's music, theatre, dance, or any other channel of artistic expression.

I need to completely heal from heartbreak before I try to find someone new.

I need to take time for myself, to be alone and be secure in who I am.

I've answered the friend who asked me, "What do you want?" But I don't think I've really been truthful to them.

What do I want out of life? I'm not sure.

What do I want from my relationships? I couldn't put my finger on it.

What do I want out of my career? That seems kind of hazy at the moment.

But when I think about what I need....the fear drops away and the end goal seems much more attainable.

Maybe, just maybe, if I work on finding what I need right now, I'll eventually figure out what I want out of life.

I'm gonna try to run after those things I listed above. Here's hoping I find some direction through the pursuit.