#ST14

At this exact moment, I am sitting on a train, typing this blog while looking out at the blur of Washington DC and urging the train to speed ahead to Lynchburg where my home waits for me. I'm sitting here reminiscing on everything that I experienced this summer, and I find it difficult to process all of the emotion that is in my heart. I'm not sure how to go about this, but I know that somehow, I have to figure out what the past 11 weeks have meant to me.

For those of you who aren't aware, I spent my entire summer traveling with Frick & Frack Music, which is a company based in Fredericksburg, VA. They devote their summers to holding performing arts day camps for children at various locations throughout the U.S. They teach kids how to sing, dance, act, and to succeed beyond anything they thought possible. Basically, Frick & Frack believes in holding kids to a higher standard. The music is challenging. The schedule is rather rigorous. But children will rise to whatever bar you set for them. Therefore, we help children to outdo themselves and to be successful in whatever they do. It's a wonderful ministry.

So, on May 25 I packed my bags and headed to Stafford, VA to meet up with the remainder of the staff. My nerves were through the roof and I was overwhelmed by the uncertainty and fear of failure. I had no idea what to expect from this experience. There was not a single person I knew previously on this tour, and as most of you know, that terrifies me. I do NOT handle new people well. When I arrived at the studio where everyone was working, I felt alone and isolated. People were nice enough, but I felt like an outsider looking in at a group that was already formed, already situated. I had no idea how I was going to make friends, let alone ever feel comfortable around them.

However, after a week of packing all of the equipment and sorting through costumes and props, we finally hit the road to Opelousas, LA. Once again, I was overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and fear of the unknown. There had been little explanation of how camp was conducted, and I was in the dark about my responsibilities and the expectations that were placed on me. I found out I was going to be on the staging team, which was exciting (since the other teams were lighting and sound). At least I would be doing something theatre related. I was also going to be a back-up accompanist...weird for me after doing so much accompanying at Bryan, but I was just trying to go with the flow.

***

The first day of camp was...an interesting experience for me.

I felt lost and entirely unprepared. Everyone else seemed to have an idea of what was going on, but I was in the dark. We were assigned our individual dance groups, and I was given the song choreographed for the 5 and 6 year old girls.

For those of you who know me...you know that I don't do well with children anyway. Give me little ones, and it's a potential disaster. So I'm thinking, "This is going to be the longest summer of my life."

But God began to show me, as He did millions of times this summer, that He knows what He's doing and that His ideas for my life are going to be far better than whatever I could plan.

These were 3 of my girls from the first week of camp. They turned out to be so much fun.

This first week was long and confusing, and I got frustrated at times. But when Friday night arrived and I was backstage listening to these children sing their hearts out, I realized that it would be worth it. Helping these kids to succeed...that's what really mattered.

I was also learning a lot about the technical side of theater, which was wonderful because I didn't have a lot of experience in that area.

Putting up the backdrop....eventually I was able to do this :)

Not to mention the friendships that were beginning to solidify. I started to realize that these people were pretty fantastic.

Laura, Sarah & Erica. This was just the beginning.

Week Two found us in Baton Rouge, LA. It was a much smaller camp with vastly different kids. Most of them came from rough home situation and were not as educated as the children from Opelousas. But we still managed to have a fantastic week of camp, and I know I was probably more proud of these kids for persevering through the difficulties.

My 6 year olds for Week Two. Feisty but adorable.

Week Three ended up being the most difficult week of the summer. We were in Slidell, LA. The building where we held camp had no AC, only ventilation fans that brought in hot air from outside. The final show was also held in this building, which meant that working backstage during the performance almost killed the staff and the children involved. It was an exhausting week, and we had one staff member pass out from the intense heat. Because we had so few kids, several of the staff members (including me) had to fill in for the remaining drama parts of the show. It was definitely a huge learning experience in perseverance and flexibility.

Despite the heat, we tried our best to love on these kids.

Week Three complete.

Week Four was exactly what we all needed after the difficult camp at Slidell. We traveled to Palm City, FL. It was sunny, warm and gorgeous...with lots of AC and hot water. :) It's the little things, really.

The kids this week were incredible: enthusiastic, excited and very talented. We barely had to do anything to prepare them for the show! I had another great group of little girls. Our time in Palm City was a gracious gift from God.

I mean, this is the church campus. WHAT.

This week was when Abby and I started to become close friends. 

Week Five held some changes. We acquired a new staff member, Trent, who ended up being one of my best friends this summer. Back in Baton Rouge, we were at a church that had hosted Frick & Frack for 10 years of summer tours. The kids here knew what to expect and they were great to work with.

My girls for this week. Absolutely adorable.

Thomas began his weekly skits with the kids. He would dress up as different characters and interact with them.

Getting to meet this guy changed my life. Really.

Week Six found us in Columbia, SC. This was an amazing place. The church was massive with excellent facilities. But our staff was starting to tire, and as a result we were all rather tense and frustrated. To make things worse, on Friday night after the show, the entire backdrop (which is huge and extremely heavy) fell down. Thankfully, no one was hurt and no equipment was destroyed, but it put a negative spin on everything and I found myself wondering if this was how the remainder of the tour would be. Nevertheless, there were some beautiful moments from this week.

I mean, does this really need a caption?

Thomas came up with even better characters for this week.

Week Seven brought us to Chelsea, AL. At this point the weeks are beginning to run together, and I'm having difficulty remembering what happened where. We spent Sunday at a mall having free time, which was badly needed...and I was able to meet up with old friends from college, so that was huge plus. The week went well. After the first day, the other pianist on staff ended up going home, which meant that I was the only pianist in the group and therefore was playing for every rehearsal. And guess what? I LOVED it. Despite the extra work, I was finally doing what I had been hired to do: accompany. :) 

Family Movie Night: we watched Get Smart. :)

A hymnal we found in the sanctuary. "Bye Mr. Satan."

Week Eight was held in Chattanooga, TN. I can honestly say that this was the best week of camp I experienced all summer. We had 100 kids (largest camp) and they were INCREDIBLE. The show was completely amazing and we had a packed house. Plus, there was a Sonic one minute away from the church and we went every single night. :) Despite the random fire alarm going off at 4 am one night and some sickness among the staff, we had a fantastic week. 

The BEST Carmine and Miranda we had all summer.

Packed audience while kids look on nervously in the balcony.

Week Nine was in Lynchburg, VA. I was not expecting this week to be as hard for me as it was. First of all, I was 20 minutes away from home. All of my friends were within reach and my family was so close...and I realized how much I actually missed them. Then, upon arriving at West Lynchburg Baptist on Sunday, I became quite sick and my friend Abby had to go home due to vertigo. She was supposed to leave a week early anyway, so this meant that we lost our last week with her. I was miserable, still trying my best to fulfill all of my responsibilities and recover from a sinus infection. It was a rough week, and to be honest it was the last place I wanted to be. But God was faithful, and I made it. I also was able to have dinner with my parents one night, which helped to alleviate the homesickness. 

However, Abby came back for the show on Friday night, and we had to say goodbye...for good. Trent and I had become very close with her and the three of us were inseparable. Saying goodbye was difficult; I have no idea if I will ever see her again. But God put her in my life for a reason, and her friendship blessed me so much. I'll never forget her.

Best backstage crew EVER.

So thankful for this girl.

Our final week of tour was held in Stafford, VA...at the Frick & Frack studio. We only had 17 kids (smallest camp) but these children knew what was expected and pulled off the best show I had ever seen. They sang louder and performed above and beyond what I ever thought they could. This week was bittersweet...each day became more difficult as we knew the tour was almost over. The thought of saying goodbye to these people terrified me and I tried to think about it as little as possible. Every moment of this week is so dear to me. 

We would congregate in Erica and I's bedroom and just be together. 

Such a small group; such a powerful performance.

Then came the day everyone was dreading: today. The day we had to say goodbye indefinitely and go our separate ways. And yes, I was sad. But I was also looking forward to going home, to seeing my family and friends, to start packing all of my stuff for my move to Knoxville in 2 weeks. It had been an incredible summer, but it was time to move on to the next thing.

However, I got all of my stuff together, and I went outside to the car...and everyone was just standing around, waiting to say goodbye. With each person I hugged, my emotions got more difficult to control. I opened the car door and looked up to see all of my friends waving, tears in their eyes. Choosing to look away and close the door was the most difficult thing I've done in a long time.

I'm not trying to be dramatic, but these people have changed my life and the experiences I've gone through with them over the past 11 weeks have bonded us in a way that I'll never have with anyone else. And it hurts to think that I may not ever see some of them again. I have no way of knowing where I'll be a year from now, and whether our paths will cross. But I do know this: God blessed me with some incredible friendships and some amazing moments this summer. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

All of this only begins to scratch the surface of my summer. If you want to know more, just ask me. I'm leaving part of my heart with these people, and I'll miss them everyday. Thanks for the memories, guys. I love you all.

Forgiveness. (Part One)

I have been wanting to blog SO badly, but my schedule this summer just doesn't comply with that part of my life.

So, needless to say, I have a million things I want to write about...but the most pressing one on my mind right now has to do with a book I'm currently reading.

It's called "What's So Amazing About Grace?" by Philip Yancey. And at the risk of sounding dramatic, this book is completely transforming the way I look at forgiveness and grace. I knew grace was very important, even central, to my faith...but Yancey describes it in such black and white terminology that I can't help but see all of the glaring inconsistencies within my portrayal of grace to others around me.

I'm hoping to do several blog posts on this subject, so this first one will focus on the concept of forgiveness.

***

"To bless the people who have oppressed our spirits, emotionally deprived us, or in other ways handicapped us, is the most extraordinary work any of us will ever do." -Elizabeth O 'Connor 

I think most Christians know the phrase "God will judge everything...one day everyone will face consequences for their sins and their actions against you." Yeah, ok, that's really comforting when the people who have hurt you are living their lives just fine, happy and content and as if nothing ever happened.

We crave justice. But that craving is skewed from sin and as a result, we desire revenge and retribution in an ungodly way. But the thing about revenge is that it's never settled. It just bounces back and forth from side to side, building up more walls of resentment and, consequently, leaving more rubble of hurt and despair in its wake.

Ok, so we want justice, and we seek revenge. But how do we reconcile that desire with our commitment to following the Lord?

We can't.

And to make it even worse...if we continue to try, we'll be in a dangerous place with the One we desire to be with the most.

Charles Williams has said of the Lord's Prayer, "No word in the English carries a greater possibility of terror than the little word 'as' in that clause." What makes the "as" so terrifying? The fact that Jesus plainly links our forgiven-ness by the Father with our forgiving-ness of fellow human beings. Jesus' next remark could not be more explicit: "If you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

Now THAT is a blow to our insatiable need for revenge. I think of all of the terribly, filthy, unspeakable acts I have committed against God...and I tremble with the knowledge of the punishment I deserve. I think of my sins, and I think of how Jesus has paid for all of them...and I realize that I am in no place to deny forgiveness. God has forgiven the worst of my sins. How can I refuse to do the same to another? Even Paul humbly admits, "Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst."

Yancey says, "By denying forgiveness to others, we are in effect determining them unworthy of God's forgiveness, and thus so are we. In some mysterious way, divine forgiveness depends on us."

Whoa. I mean, really. Who am I to determine that another person doesn't deserve the grace of God in their life? I would never want to proclaim that judgment on someone. But I do just that, every time I hold a grudge or feel resentment towards another.

As Yancey points out, "Only the experience of being forgiven makes it possible for us to forgive."


 Alright. I'm forgiven. I fully and gratefully embrace that fact. So what now?

Now I have to take that undeserved grace that was poured out on my blackened and diseased soul...and I have to pour it out on the people in my life that have attacked, wounded and scarred me.

*sigh*

It's so hard. As Yancey points out:

"Forgiveness is an act of faith. By forgiving another, I am trusting that God is a better justice-maker than I am. By forgiving, I release my own right to get even and leave all issue of fairness for God to work out. I leave in God's hands the scales that must balance justice and mercy."

Lewis Smedes describes the process of forgiving someone, and the way he phrases the act resonates within me:

When you forgive someone, you slice away the wrong from the person who did it. You disengage that person from his hurtful act. You recreate him. At one moment you identify him ineradicably as the person who did you wrong. The next moment you change that identity. He is remade in your memory. You think of him now not as the person who hurt you, but a person who needs you. You feel him now not as the person who alienated you, but as the person who belongs to you. Once you branded him as a person powerful in evil, but now you see him as a person weak in his needs. You recreated your past by recreating the person whose wrong made your past painful."

Whew. Recreating your past is a terribly difficult task to accomplish. Memories remain, wounds try their best to remain fresh and bleeding. But when we truly forgive, when we finally decide to look at someone who has let us down and choose to see a new creature with obvious flaws but a redeemed soul...our past becomes a distant thought and the future spreads out in a beautiful tapestry of hope and new beginnings.

To close, I want to quote a passage from Henri Nouwen:

...God's forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life. It calls me to keep stepping over all my arguments that say forgiveness is unwise, unhealthy, and impractical. It challenges me to step over all my needs for gratitude and compliments. Finally, it demands of me that I step over that wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put a few conditions between me and the one whom I am asked to forgive."

24 Before 24. Let's Do This.

Last time, I waited too long to make this list. A lot of them didn't happen.

But a lot of them did. 

Here's to another year of adventures.

24 Things I Want to Do Before I Turn 24:

1. Have a pen pal who will write letters with me.

2. Find someone older to mentor me.

3. Lose 30 more pounds.

4. Become certified to teach either Zumba or some other dance/exercise class.

5. Save up at least $500 for grad school.

6. Apply for grad school.

7. Audition for at least 3 grad school programs.

8. Learn to eat with chopsticks.

9. Go on a real date.

10. Go on a weekend camping trip.

11. Take a whirlwind weekend trip to Nashville.

12. Visit Hungry Mother State Park with Emilie and Megan.

13. Learn to cook.

14. Run a 5k.

15. Move to Knoxville.

16. Have my own apartment.

17. Read 10 books that are NY Times Best-sellers.

18.  Take piano lessons again.

19. Sit in the audience of America’s Got Talent auditions.

20. Get to 10,000 tweets.

21. See Stacie, Naomi, Josiah, Katie, Melissa and Jay give their senior recitals.

22. Beach trip with Morgan.

23. Go to a Broadway show with Drew and Emilie.

24. See Relient K in concert.

Paralyzed.

It's 1:15 am.

It's late. But until I allow my thoughts to spill over these keys I touch and somehow communicate to the sleeping world how I feel...I'll be wide awake.

***

There's something you need to know about me. My biggest fear is disappointing others; of letting people down, of being less than what they expected me to be. My biggest fear is doing something that will wreck my life forever, that will stain my future and haunt me mercilessly. My biggest fear is hearing the words, "I am so disappointed in you." The mere thought of that causes my heart to race, my breathing to become shallow and my emotions to kick into overdrive.

Basically, it paralyzes me.

And that's exactly where I am.

In 5 days, I am leaving for 11 weeks to travel with a tour group that does camps for children. It's a wonderful opportunity and I am sure that I will love it and learn a lot from it. But I also know that I have to decide what comes afterwards. What's the next step for me? What am I supposed to do?

***

I know what my heart wants. So you'd think that would mean I'd made my decision. But you see....it's not that simple. Deep down, I keep replaying the scene in my head where I'm standing there, tail tucked between my legs...a failure. And in front of me stand the people I let down, all of the people who find me underpar. And they say,

"Alexis, we're so disappointed in you. You failed."

I replay my biggest fear coming to life. And then everything clouds over and once again, I'm stuck at the crossroads, begging for clarity. For a lightning bolt. For something.

Everything within me wants to just CHOOSE already and move on. But I'm glued to this spot, frantically swerving my attention from one choice to another, overwhelming my mind and crippling my heart.

How do I decide? How do I make the "right" choice? Is there even a right choice to make?

***

I feel like this blog post is not structured or unified in any way. It's literally my thoughts as they occur to me; bleeding in paragraphs for your reading pleasure. I do apologize for that, although if you're reading this you must care enough to have made it this far. So I guess I don't apologize after all.

***

My entire life, I've been taught that God directs our paths. The phrase "God's got it all under control" has been drilled into my head for years. He's not going to let me down. He is always there, He knows everything about my future. Everything happens for a reason. Everything serves a purpose.

Yes, that may be. Everything does serve a purpose. But aren't there multiple ways a situation can occur? Aren't there multiple ways we could learn from something?

Take the concept of relationships. I was involved with a guy last fall. It happened quickly, and out of nowhere. He was my best friend and I trusted him implicitly. He understood me as no one has. He helped me through a time of difficulty. He was there when my life changed forever and he held my hand through the tears and the pain. I couldn't have done it without him. I know that for certain. God put him in my life at that moment to help me through what transpired.

But here's my question. Could he have been there for me like I needed, could he have been a friend in a time of trouble, could he have served the purpose God intended him to serve without being a lover? If I had chosen not to take that path, if I had chosen not to kiss him and not to throw caution to the wind...would I still have had his hand to hold when I needed it, just as a friend? What if that was how God wanted me to do things?

But I didn't.

And so the path changed, even though the main purpose remained the same.
I still learned. But the journey, and therefore the choices, and therefore the consequences, were altered.

***

Life is nothing but one choice after another. Every single moment of every single day is made up entirely of choices. Even the most mundane ones can have a significant effect on our lives.

So now, when I am faced with a decision of how to live my life...I am paralyzed.

I am completely and utterly paralyzed by the thought of having to choose.

Because I've been faced with decisions like this before. And it's so hard to know if I chose correctly.

What if I do that again?

***

I thought writing all of this out would help me somehow. But it hasn't, not much anyway. I still have a choice to make, and I am nowhere closer to finding the answer.

Here's to hoping that with the dawn comes a decision.

And here's to a sleepless night of waiting for it to arrive.

Godly Men: Greatest of Blessings.

I realized that today marks the 5 month anniversary of when I moved home. It has been 5 months of growing, struggling and pleading for clarity in my life.

5 months of wondering when I would figure out what was next.

5 months of asking "Why this? Why now?"

5 months of avoiding the tough situations and escaping to the past, where I was happy and content and comfortable.

It's been a rough 5 months. But I have learned a few key things along the way. And today I decided to reflect on what I learned that was the most important, the most revolutionary.

I thought about all of the people who have ministered to me over this time in my life. There are too many to count. But the ones who stood out the most are 3 men that I am blessed to call some of my closest friends.

When I have a bad day, they say:

"I think you should pray, sleep on it, and see how grey the world is tomorrow. Sometimes it actually gets brighter."

When I don't know how to keep going, they say:

"When you can't go any further, ask the Lord for no more than the strength to take one more step. Sometimes you will need a friend to help you take that step, but the Lord will always give you strength for a single more step. Never let yourself get bogged down in how far you still have to go, just focus on making it through the next step. If you take it a step at a time, before you know it you have walked a mile."

When I can't figure out what the will of God is, they say:

"We so often can't know. So often don't even know our reasons or whether they're right or not. Sometimes we just have to try. And sometimes we crash and burn. But other times, He carries us through."

When I am consumed with guilt and cannot move past my mistakes, they say:

"Bad things have been done all around, but no one is too far away from God's redemption. He has grace already waiting for us, we just have to be willing to forgive ourselves and accept it."

When I can't let go of the past, they say:

"Something I have had to learn is that if whoever the person is, is not the person God has for me, then no matter how much I want them to be, I don't want to end up with the wrong person even more."

Isn't it wonderful how God uses ordinary people to speak His truth? Each statement above was given to me in a casual conversation. There was no lightning bolt of realization, no deafening thunder of "This is from the Lord." But through these men, through their encouragement and constant love, God has continually poured His wisdom into my heart when I need it most.

So to those special men: thank you for being willing to love me, build me up and comfort me with godly wisdom and genuine friendship.

It has truly changed my life.

The Soldier and the Poet.

Ok, this hardly counts as a blog post.

But I found this poem a few months ago, promptly forgot about it, and found it again a few minutes ago.

I absolutely adore it.

And honestly...I couldn't tell you specifically why. Perhaps it's the beautiful imagery portrayed through the words, or the simple phrases that make my heartstrings sing with recognition of my past experiences. Who knows.

Regardless, I hope you appreciate the beauty as much as I.

 

The Soldier and the Poet

 

At last,

The strength of your arm

The depth of your hands

The smell of your body

The reach of your arms

 

The scandal,

The generations of tension

In my tired shoulders

Relinquish their battle

To the soldier

 

Who does not weep

But brings up instead

Another thought

Touch me, my love

Love me now

 

Sweet Thursday

The day of your arrival

In my life

Stopping only to take in the sites

Of my arms strung around your neck

 

The truth in all of this

Sits like a dove on my

Weary back

The soldier,

The poet

 

A match made only across continents of

thought and doubt

My nerves ache and creak like nervous

trees in the wind

And you have clung to me

We have brought the ultimate argument to

rest

 

In my lonesome bed

Where we now lay

Thoughts intertwined

Like our limbs, reaching for the other

Even as we dream together

 

Fight the battle for me, my love

Let violence cease and crease our hearts

Scarred and lost

We have found each other

 

And still, even still

My heart, my mind

Is at last quiet in the palm of your calloused

hand

Gripping it tenderly so as not to destroy but

to hold it safely

 

At last,

the final word is spoken

And we have loved for a moment in time

That the universe and we shall never forget

We made a hole in the darkness with the

light of our love

 

This moment may pass

These days will end

But we shall remember

Forever

The love between

The soldier and the poet

 

-Grace Violet Ennis-



Victorious Living.

It’s Easter Sunday, and I’ve been thinking about a lot of things.

Well, one specific thing, really.

Today during worship, my pastor said, “Only through the Resurrection can we take a blemish of regret and turn it into a badge of glory.”

It’s a beautiful thought, no? Our pasts are wiped away. Because of Jesus’ ultimate sacrifice, we no longer have to be held in everlasting contempt for our sins.

But my pastor was trying to make a different point. He was challenging those of us who have already been redeemed and washed clean to LIVE a life of victory because of the resurrection.

In other words, are we living each day of our lives in light of God’s glorious forgiveness and overwhelming grace through the miracle of Easter? 

Are we looking at our pasts as something to display God’s glory through, or are we still hiding behind it as a hindrance to freedom and new beginnings?

He referred to Romans 6:1-14, and the first few verses jumped out at me.

“What should we say then? Should we continue in sin so that grace may multiply? Absolutely not! How can we who have died to sin still live in it?”

Heavy stuff. 

“How can we who have died to sin still live in it?”

Oh, but I do. Every day. Looking back on the last few months of my life alone, I can see millions of moments where I not only lived in sin, but wallowed, bathed, and dressed myself in the grime of my own selfishness. My own pride. My own lust.

Christ has died for these sins! He has already paid the price to erase them from my life! So why do I continue to live as if He has not been victorious over the evil side of my soul?

It’s so utterly convicting.

So on this Easter Sunday, I challenge you to look at your past. Look at it and truly realize the reality of Christ’s cleansing power through His resurrection. Begin to live your life in light of His victory over your sin. It’s already been wiped clean.

Take your past, your shame, your darkness…and turn the blemishes of regret into badges of glory. 

Because in His eyes, they’ve been just that all along.