National Friendship Day.

Usually I'm not one to observe these daily holidays. I mean, normally they're pretty ridiculous. Hug Your Pet Day, Doughnut Day...most of them just seem like excuses to buy something and then post it on Instagram with the hashtag.

But National Best Friend Day? I am all about that. :)

I posted a picture earlier of my very best friend Morgan, because she's pretty much in her own class. :D But I'll post one again because, hey, I love her.

However, I am very thankful to say that I have many friends that would fall under a similar, yet different category. For me, someone who is a best friend makes that friendship a priority. Even when you don't live in the same area, even when you're no longer involved in each other's lives...you still make a conscious effort to stay connected, to stay up to date on things.

So this is a special shout out to those people who have made me feel that my friendship matters to them, even though we may not see each other very often or talk very regularly.

I realize the official name is National Best Friend Day, but I think National Friendship Day would be more appropriate. ;)

This post isn't going to be long or profound. It's simply my way of saying "Hey, I love you, I think you're swell, and thank you for being such a wonderful presence in my life."

And, of course, I'm not saying it in words. Just pictures. Love you all. :)

God Gave Me You.

Saturday is quickly approaching, and with it comes the graduation of many people I deeply love. You know, it's strange; I often find myself wondering what it is that draws one person to another. Is it similarities in passion, schedules that continually overlap, or simply the social circle one finds themselves in? Regardless of the reason, I can honestly say that the class of 2015 from my alma mater has radically changed my life.

I came back to Bryan for one last semester, and found that almost all of my friends were gone. With the exception of maybe 2 or 3, my entire class had graduated...and I was living on campus, in a room by myself, feeling utterly alone. No one here understood how I felt. No one here could relate to my situation. I wanted to be here, but I wanted to leave. I was uncomfortable, uneasy. Life was hard.

As the semester progressed, however, I realized what an enormous opportunity I'd been given. With my normal circle of friends no longer at school, I was now able to look around me and see friendships and potential in people I normally would never have considered. (I realize that probably makes me sound like a class A jerk, but I am loyal to a fault and struggle with change. It's something I'm still working on.) Anyway, slowly I began to find friends in the most surprising people. And as the weeks went by, these people loved me, encouraged me, welcomed me with open arms into their "group" and I realized that they were some of the best and most real friends I would ever have. Yes, it made leaving so much harder than I thought it would be; but their love, loyalty and consistency is still affecting my life even now. As the past year has progressed, things have obviously changed. Some of these people I don't speak to now. Time and distance has pushed a few of us apart. But God put these wonderful, amazing people in my life at a very specific time and for a very specific reason, and even if things didn't always end the way I expected, I will never cease being grateful for the impact they had on my life. So, to the class of 2015, here is my heart for you.

Stacie Steel, God gave me you for encouragement. Thank you for reminding me that there are always people to love, no matter how far away they may be. Thank you for helping me to revive my love for music when I thought I was sick of it. I will always think of you whenever I see someone turn a page at a piano or hear Gilbert and Sullivan. :)

Jonathan Creasy, God gave me you for listening. Thank you for being there when I needed someone to let me pour out my fears and anxieties without judgment or ridicule. Thank you for reminding me that people come into our lives for a reason, and that our friendship was one I'll never forget. I will always think of you whenever I see Rick Taphorn or anything related to Charlie Brown. :)

Megan Darr, God gave me you for consistency. Thank you for reminding me that loyal friends do exist, and when you find one, hold on for dear life. You are one of those friends to me, and I hope you know that I'm never letting you go. I will always think of you whenever I eat at...well, anywhere really, and whenever I drive by Hungry Mother State Park. :)

Drew Morrison, God gave me you for wisdom. Thank you for reminding me that we have the ability to learn from our mistakes, that nothing we experience is in vain, and that the good friends are the ones who will lick spark plugs for you. ;) I will always think of you whenever I see a pigeon and whenever I speak in all caps for whatever reason. :)

Josiah Blakney, God gave me you for the bad days. Thank you for reminding me that sometimes loyalty is the most important gift you can give someone. Thank you for literally never turning your back on me, even when it meant losing others in the process...and thank you for continuing to ask me to be a part of your everyday life.  I will always think of you whenever I see Grumpy Cat and whenever I'm beyond pissed about something. :)

Naomi Martin, God gave me you for my heart. You are my soul sister, the person who understands me like no one else ever could. Thank you for reminding me that friendships like ours are few and far between, and that miles or distance will never end the unwavering love we have for each other. I will always think of you whenever I hear someone say "Lexi" and whenever I play the piano. :)

Justin Jones, God gave me you for my fears. Thank you for reminding me that sometimes our anxieties and our worries are ridiculous, and that we just need to move on and let go. Thank you for loving me despite my many flaws and inconsistencies, and thank you for choosing to be mine, even when there were other people in the way. I will always think of you whenever I step on leaves, whenever I hold hands with another boy (Ha, good one) and whenever I step onto a stage for the first time again without you.

I thank God for giving me all of you when He did, and for teaching me what He taught me through each and every one of you. I hope and pray that God continues to shape, grow and mature you as you walk away from Bryan and enter the rest of your lives; that you will run after Him, search for your passions and use them to not only serve the Lord but to change the world in your own unique way.

Congratulations, you guys. You did it.

Those You've Known.

There's been a lot of things happening in my life recently; a lot of big changes, a lot of "lasts," and a lot of emotional overload.

I've honestly been trying to process all of the things I feel right now...fear of moving somewhere new where I don't know a single soul, the ache of living so far away from everyone I love, and being generally overwhelmed at the realization that yet another chapter of my life is coming to a close.

***

We are always saying goodbye to people, no matter what phase of life we may find ourselves in. It's one of those awful realities we have to face. But it never really gets any easier. Especially for me.

I'm the type of person that hates change, and the type of person that adores my friends. Put those two together, and you have someone who wants nothing more than all of her friends in her life...for always. When I left for college, I fully expected all of my friends from high school to still be around when I graduated. However, with the exception of maybe 4, they weren't. To look back on high school and think of the people I was closest to feels as though I'm looking at someone else's life. I see pictures of me with those people and I don't fully comprehend the intimacy I shared with them, the type of relationships we had. 

But here's the weirdest thing about it. As time went on, the feelings of "missing" and "we should really catch up sometime" passed...and I found myself content, complete without them in my life. I had them for a time, and then I moved into a new chapter of my story; their story went in a different direction. And it was finally ok.

Fast forward to graduation from Bryan College. I found myself completely surrounded by people that I had lived everyday life with for 4 years, both the good moments and the beyond horrible days. They had seen me at my worst and loved me all the more for it. I could literally not imagine my life without them. And after we all graduated that day, there were many that I hugged and said "Hey, we'll see each other eventually." A few of them were my very closest, dearest, and best friends...But it's now been almost 2 years and our paths have never crossed again.

It's taken me a lot longer to get to the point where I'm content, complete without these people. These friendships were different; they were deeper, more mature. They were entwined with many more experiences and defined by a wide range of emotions. But although it's taken me more time, I am finally starting to understand that this phase of life is also over. I can still hold onto the memories and the moments I had with these people, but they're not in my life anymore. Again, with the rare exception of a handful of people, I rarely converse with my college friends and find that when we do reunite, we have little to talk about besides the "remember when" conversations. And that's ok. It's as it should be.

(Side Note: There is another group of people at Bryan College, the graduating senior class of this year. They don't really fit into the group I was just describing above...but I'm saving a blog post about them until it gets closer to graduation. So if any of you guys...you know who you are...are reading this, don't freak out. ;) )

And now...I'm about to move and start the process all over again. To be honest....it exhausts me to even think about.  This time, I'll only have 2 years to make friendships, to create memories, to love everyday life again. 

It sort of terrifies me. I don't want to open up my heart to more people, to allow more friends into my life...and especially not if it means I have to let more of the current ones go. 

I hate letting go. 

I hate goodbyes. 

I hate moving on. 

I hate that moment when I cease to feel as deeply as I once did about someone.

Does it really have to be so drastic? Do I really have to discard former friendships to make room for new ones?

***

As you know, I'm a theatre nerd. Although I can't say I'm a huge fan of the show as a whole, the musical "Spring Awakening" has a song that makes me cry every single time I hear it. When I was a senior in college, I sang it with two of my very best friends and ever since then, it hold so much more emotional weight than most songs ever could. I want to share some of the lyrics with you.

Those you've known and lost still walk behind you;

All alone, they linger till they find you.

Without them, the world grows dark around you,

And nothing is the same until you know that they have found you.

Though you know you've left them far behind

You walk on by yourself, and not with them

Still you know they will fill your heart and mind

When they say there's a way through this

Now they'll walk on my arm through the distant night

And I won't let them stray from my heart

Through the wind, through the dark, through the winter light

I will read all their dreams to the stars

They walk with my heart

And I'll never let them go

Not gone; not gone.

When I graduated from Bryan, one of my very closest friends (who was younger than me, and therefore not graduating) sent a few lines of this song to me the night before I left. 

Those you've known and lost still walk behind you;

All alone, their song still seems to find you.

I read that, and it practically screamed, "You may be gone from here, but you're still with me because I love you and because you affected my life."

And that's going to be my goal as I enter this new chapter of life; afraid, alone and overwhelmed.

To my friends, the ones who matter to me, wherever they may be:

Though I know I've left them far behind...

They will still fill my heart and mind.

I won't let them stray from my heart...

I'll never let them go. 

Burdens Shared.

Over the past week or two, I have had the unique experience of watching many of my friends struggle.

I don't mean this to sound pleasant; on the contrary, it is something that I wish I did not have to witness.

It has reached the point where I woke up in the middle of the night, around 2 am, so heavily burdened by the pain, fear and heartache that my friends were experiencing...I had to wake up and pray for them. This was something I had never encountered before; and I cannot say that I am the biggest fan of how it feels.

 Friendships mean the world to me. God has so richly blessed my life with people--I could list so many who have changed my life forever. And I am beyond honored to be the kind of person that a majority of them feel comfortable seeking out when they are in pain or in trouble. I love being the friend that helps through the hurting.

But at this moment...the hurting is just so heavy on my heart. And there's nothing I can really do about any of it.

So here's my prayers for my struggling friends.

To the friend who doesn't have any idea what the next step is, who feels overwhelmed by choices and defeated by uncertainty; I pray that the God of guidance gives you clarity--not for the whole journey, but for just the next step...so that you may learn to trust Him with everything more and more.

To the friend whose heart is broken by cruelty and abandonment, who feels unworthy, unwanted and cast aside without a second glance; I pray that the Healer reminds you how truly beautiful you are, both outside and within. I pray that He wraps you in His arms of comfort and holds you as you put the pieces of your heart back together. I pray that through the healing process you do not forget the pain, but use it to create strength and courage for what is next.

To the friend who feels ashamed of past decisions, terrorized by vulnerability and uncharted emotional territory, who feels utterly alone and unable to confide in anyone; I pray that you will give your burden to the One who can handle it. I pray that He envelopes you in His peace and His assurance that everything happens for a reason, and may He remind you that even our biggest mistakes or our deepest regrets can be used for good.

To the friend who feels lost from a dead end, who has no idea what the future holds and is shaken at the thought of giving up on a dream; I pray that you persevere through the frustration and anxiety. I pray that you allow God to shape your dreams and to follow where He leads you, no matter how long it may take to reach the goal. I pray that you do not allow fear to poison the new chapter of your life unfolding, but that through trust and faith you step out in confidence of His hand upon your future.

I don't expect things to get better automatically, or even anytime soon.
But these prayers could not be more genuine.
I've lifted my burdens to the Lord, and that's literally all I can do.
I know it is enough.

"Share one another's burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ."

 -Galatians 6:2

Snapshots of Happiness.

I've been struggling to write much of anything lately. And not for lack of trying; on the contrary, I have attempted to put words on paper countless times with no results. It was frustrating, to say the least. I love to write, and the fact that I couldn't was troubling me.

But today, as I was driving home from a weekend in Dayton, I realized that I tend to write only about the dramatic, depressing, or earth-changing events of my life. And there are so many little, minuscule moments in my day that are worth writing about, if you look at them the right way. The image that first popped into my mind was a camera. (Big surprise, I take WAY too many pictures.)

Think of it this way: What if every morning, we were given a brand-new Polaroid camera and an unlimited supply of film? The main purpose of this camera was to take snapshots of the moments that bring us joy, or laughter, or contentment, or...

Happiness. (For those of you who know me, you know this is a well-loved word in my vocabulary. It's very near and dear to my heart.)

So at the risk of abusing this lovely word's significance, here is a simple list of moments-or, in my mind, an album of snapshots--when happiness was clearly visible to me this weekend. 

***

Happiness Is:

A professor's office that feels like home.

Swapping stories around the dinner table.

A second family to love when your real family is too far away.

A professor who walks in, says "Hey. Wanna see my scar?" and reminds you to treat every moment as precious.

The dearest and best of friends who walk down an icy, snowy hill because they miss you.

Putting your head on a shoulder, feeling an arm around you and hearing "You're here. All is now right with the world."

Uncontrollable laughter.

A snowy morning that forces you to stay inside and relish the people you're with.

A scary venture to your car in the ice while your roommate's family cheers you on from the window.

A game of Dutch Blitz that serves as much needed proof that some friendships will never completely fade, even if much time passes in between the days spent together.

Sitting in the audience of a play and reconnecting with old theatre friends...and realizing you're not the only one who misses it everyday.

Crying as you watch your onstage soulmate say his very last line on a Bryan College stage and being overwhelmed with pride at being his best friend. 

Walking into a dorm room and immediately bursting into laughter because you're with the 3 people who can make you laugh like no one else can. 

Hearing someone say "You being here makes my heart happy." And knowing they mean it.

Sitting in a practice room and playing a piano piece that was written just for you.

Knowing that even though goodbyes are never easy, it makes the next 'hello' all the sweeter.

***

As I am writing this list, I am humbled. Yes, life is full of struggle. It is wracked with pain and uncertainty. Everyday holds unknown battles and unimagined defeat.

But life also holds immeasurable happiness. It surrounds me with sunlight, and showers me with countless momentos of joy. All I have to do is capture them.

So. Now I challenge you:

How many snapshots of happiness will you have at the end of the day?

 

Dr. Wilhoit: A Fond Farewell.

Dear Reader,

I realize that I'm not a student at Bryan any longer, and as such am not directly affected by the recent resignation of Dr. Wilhoit. However, even from far away I have felt the heartache and deep loss of a man who I truly admired and loved so very much. And since I never had the opportunity to say goodbye to him in person, I suppose I will write it out here. 

Words cannot adequately express the grief I feel right now. Dr. Wilhoit was without a doubt my favorite college professor. Yes, he was tough. Yes, he was stubborn. Yes, he could be frustrating and discouraging. But I can honestly say (as I know countless others would) that without his demand for excellence, above average performance and hard work, I would not be the person I am today. From day one of freshman Sightsinging, when other students were whining and complaining about his mean words and his negative opinion of their abilities, I could see that behind the harsh exterior was a man who simply wanted his students to succeed. He wanted them to be great musicians, to be artists who were confident and capable. While other people around me were griping and telling their "DW Horror Stories," for some reason I never really felt any ill-will towards him. He had the type of personality I could relate to, that I could respect. He, like me, was a perfectionist and honest to a fault. If he knew what was wrong with your performance, your pitch, or your paper...he would surely tell you. In no uncertain terms. And I loved that. Why? Because when you finally succeeded, it made his genuine praise SO much more worthwhile. You knew you deserved it. His compliments were rarely given and deeply treasured. Despite his "scariness," from my first encounter with him, all I saw was someone I deeply respected and therefore wanted to gain approval from.

Of course I had my moments where Dr. Wilhoit frustrated me; there were many Music History listening tests I cried over. There were Leonard Bernstein lectures I loathed. There were many musical rehearsals where I would leave so incredibly discouraged, thinking that I would never be good enough, never be talented enough for him and his unachievable standards. The bar was too high. It was impossible. There were WAY too many chapel run-throughs in the band room where I'd be at the piano, playing the hymn (probably Immortal, Invisible) and he'd stop me to say, "No no no, don't be choppy! You have to play fluidly, more legato....BUT DON'T USE THE PEDAL!" It infuriated me to no end. And here's the irony: It took me 9 semesters to finally understand what he meant. Yep; I became the accompanist he wanted literally 2 months before I graduated. Alas...at least I can say I figured it out; some pianists were not so lucky. ;)

However, all stressful moments aside, all tense encounters erased, I will never, EVER forget what happened when I graduated. It was Bryan's Christmas Concert, and consequently it was my very last time to play the piano for a college event. The piece I performed with the orchestra was in the first half of the concert, and when intermission started I looked up to see Dr. Wilhoit walking over to the piano. 

He reached out for my hand, gave me a bear hug, kissed my cheek and said, "Sweetheart, I love your playing. It was beautiful." 

And in that moment, every single homework assignment I didn't understand, every single all-nighter I pulled for his class, every single frustrating correction he would give me during a rehearsal....they all made sense. And instead of being reasons to dislike or resent the man, they became reasons to love and appreciate him all the more, for I realized that this was what he had been pushing me towards for the past 4 1/2 years. All he wanted was for me to succeed. And that's what he has wanted...and, I believe, still wants for every student. 

This entire situation breaks my heart. I don't fully understand it. I doubt that I ever will be able to comprehend what happened. But here's what I do know.

Dr. Wilhoit radically changed my life. 

He gave me the ability to grow beyond my wildest expectations, and when he did compliment or encourage.....it was genuine and well-deserved. 

He may have seemed abrasive, short-tempered and uncaring, but I hope all of Bryan College's music students, past and present, will stand behind me in saying that he actually cared about us more than we knew...and I hope that somehow he realizes we all care about him too. 

I don't know that he will ever read this, but just in case...

Dr. Wilhoit, I will never forget you. And whether you realize it or not, you have impacted, developed and transformed my life in a way that no one else has or ever will. \
Thank you for being:
The teacher I desperately needed,
The mentor I often sought out, 
The goof I always quoted,
The avid fan I secretly wished for, 
And the friend I prayed my professors would become.
All my love,
Lexi <3

2014: A Year of Struggle, Success & Surrender.

When I started working on this blog a few days ago, I was combing through all of my pictures, Facebook statuses, tweets, Instagram posts...trying to find details from my year to compile an excellent summary of what I did over the last 12 months. But when I finished, I looked at it and realized that it was the worst possible representation of my life for the past year.

Cause, if I'm honest, 2014 has been a hard year for me. Probably the most difficult year I've had yet in my oh-so-short-but-quickly-getting-longer life. But through the past 12 months, I have learned so much about myself, about the Lord, and about life in general. And looking back with a perspective of what each month taught me and the people/events/words that were used to help me along the way provides a much more encouraging and satisfying summary. So while it may not be as amusing or lighthearted, here's my 2014.


January:

"Better things are ahead than any we leave behind.

Let the sun set so a new one will rise; but always remember our time."

-Jane Marczewski

January was a month of painful adjustment and letting go of everything I'd known for the past 4 1/2 years. Leaving Bryan was honestly one of the most difficult things I've ever experienced, and I'd be lying if I said I still don't struggle at times. Add a painful loss of a relationship, and the separation was even harder to work through. However, through this incredibly trying time, God taught me so much about leaning on Him and going to Him first when I needed to cry/complain/vent about anything. He truly was my Best Friend...and as awful as it was to experience, it is also full of sweet spiritual memories for me.

I attended Passion Conference in Atlanta, which was amazing and exactly what I needed at the time.

So glad I was at Passion with two of my very best friends.

I also made my first trip to Bryan as an official alum, and it served as a beautiful reminder that even though I may not be a student anymore, there were still many people there who love and care deeply about me.

February:

"You silly little girl,

you think you've survived so long

that survival shouldn't hurt anymore.

You keep trying to turn your body

bullet-proof. You keep trying to turn your heart

bomb shelter. Stop, darling.

You are soft and alive.

You bruise and heal. Cherish it.

It is what you were born to do.

Come now, you promised yourself.

You promised you'd live through this."

-Clementine von Radics

February found me, sadly, still struggling. Majorly. It was a huge battle between my desperate need to have the next step of my life figured out and God's desire to have me trust Him through the uncertainty. And let me tell you, it was quite a fight. I remember one day I actually just sat on the kitchen floor and cried because I was so overwhelmed with the monotony of my life and the fear of never moving on or ever doing anything of consequence. But during this month, I had many gentle reminders that instead of focusing on what's next, I should be living in the here and now...and trying my best to find the valuable moments and lessons from this time. It was very good advice. So I made more of an effort to reconnect with old friends, to have a social life again at home, and to try VERY hard not to panic...as much. ;)

I watched the Superbowl with some friends...Remember when Mr. B was at the Superbowl?

#goodtimes 

Then we had that HUGE snow.

Valentine's Day dinner with some of my favorite women.

Yeah, we ate chocolate pie out of carry out boxes. 

Trip to Bryan to see Pirates of Penzance AND my best friends Michelle and Kelly.

March:

"The act of trusting is the suspension of retaliation, having faith that God will deal with the situation in His time."

-Rusty Small

March found me taking a break from all forms of social media (for various reasons) and desperately trying to decide whether or not I should move to Knoxville in the fall. I knew I wasn't finding a job in Appomattox, and living at home was not going to be an ideal long-term situation. But moving out on my own seemed scary and risky, to say the least. I had no idea what the right decision was. I felt so out of place, so lost. One of my best friends got married, which was wonderful...but I sat there watching it happen and couldn't help thinking "Man, I wish my life was as simple as that." However, quite a bit of growing took place in these four weeks as I bravely searched for clarity in every aspect of my life, including the relationship that had dissolved in January. The result was painful and not what I had been hoping or praying for, but from that resolution I was finally able to let go and take the first shaky step forward.

(I also had a few funny experiences during March that are just too wonderful not to share.)

My church put on a murder mystery dinner! So much fun.

April:

"Alexis...Others' actions don't define who you are. Nor do their actions reflect a true mirror to see yourself through. As cliche as it sounds, you and everyone is only worthy because of God's sacrifice for us. As abstract as it feels and as foreign as it is, the need to see your own identity and worth in Jesus, His pure undefiled righteousness, is huge to our faith. Huge to our own self-esteem. The things of this world no longer matter. Persecution, suffering, sadness, joy, anger, betrayal. Count it all joy."

-Naomi Martin

On Facebook, the photo album I made for April was called The Month Where Spring Came (For My Soul). And it was so true. My former roommate Emilie came to spend a weekend in Virginia with me, and just having a few days with her refreshed my outlook on life in a tremendous way. I spent more time in Knoxville job hunting, where I was tentatively hired by a performing arts academy to teach piano in the fall. This was crazy exciting, but also rather intimidating. I still hadn't decided for sure about moving, but the job offer seemed like a pretty firm confirmation. I was able to celebrate Easter with my home church family for the first time in 5 years, which was an amazing experience. And finally, God used a weekend at Bryan to remind me that He has placed a few incredible men in my path over the years to love me, counsel me, and support me when I am lonely, discouraged and afraid. Their friendships are constant and strong, and I couldn't be more grateful for them.

Emilie and I had a photoshoot...she's so beautiful. <3

Happy Easter from the LBC staff.

May:

"Trust your lives to the God who created you, for He will never fail you."

-1 Peter 4:19

I turned 23 and quickly realized that with each passing year, birthdays mean less. Then I travelled to Bryan to see some of my closest friends graduate, and realized that it had been an entire year since I myself graduated. Surprisingly, it was a very painful realization. And I found something I wrote in my journal that day that adequately sums up my feelings during that time.

"I wish I could just have a glimpse of the future--a snapshot of where I will be at this moment a year from now. I just want to know that I'm content, and feeling that life has a purpose. I want to know that I won't be struggling and hurting and living in the past. Can I please be happy? This time has ended so unlike I anticipated or hoped. Is it wrong for me to selfishly hope that on May 10, 2015, I will be completely satisfied and joyful at where my life has gone? I don't want to feel like this any longer."

Aside from being a tad dramatic, there you have it. The remainder of the month was spent agonizing over the question of the year: to move or not to move. And finally, on May 22, I decided to take a huge leap of faith and move to Knoxville after returning from my summer job. As relieving as it was to finally make a decision, I immediately felt terrified and paralyzed by fear of failure. Of not being a "good" adult. Of sucking at my job. Of not making enough money. And suddenly being a grownup didn't sound so appealing.

But I didn't have much time to think about it, because at the end of May I left on my summer engagement with Frick and Frack Music as an accompanist and staff member. It ended up being 11 weeks of experiences I'll never forget.

If you want the full graduation story, ask me. It's a good one.

June:

"God's faithfulness is proved not by the elimination of hardships but by carrying us through them. Change is not the absence of struggles; change is the freedom to choose holiness in the midst of our struggles."

-Christopher Yuan

The entire month of June was comprised of traveling, 4 weeks of camp, air mattresses, and making new friends along the way. I was constantly having to adapt and adjust to whatever life threw at us, which was a good lesson for me to learn. I also was able to read a TON, and almost every book I read had a deep impact on me. "Out of a Far Country" by Christopher Yuan reignited my passion for homosexual ministry. "What's So Amazing About Grace?" by Philip Yancey convicted me to my core about how I practice forgiveness in my daily interactions. God was definitely teaching me a lot through this month, and I'm so grateful for the wisdom I took away from it. I also experienced the deep sorrow of being too far away to comfort a hurting friend whose mother passed away. I had never before been in that place...a place where you want so badly to be there for them and you just...can't. The pain is so strong and there's really nothing that absolves it. I sincerely hope I never have to feel that way again.

July:

"Trust not joy

that is layered not

with sorrow.

Only when we ache

do we

appreciate."

-Tyler Knott Gregson

July was another month of my summer tour. And on July 1, I met Trent Tyson...who proceeded to brighten my life in a thousand ways. He quickly became my best friend on tour and we clicked in a way I just can't describe. God definitely sent him to me at just the right time (doesn't He always?), and I am so thankful for the 5 weeks we had together. At this point in tour, tensions were high, exhaustion was taking its toll and our cohesiveness as a group was starting to unravel. But Trent provided me with the companionship, the encouragement and the stability I needed to keep going. During July, I learned that God's timing is perfect in everything, literally, and that He can use the most mundane things to change your life forever.

August:

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God,

for my hope is in Him.

He alone is my rock and salvation,

my fortress where I will not be shaken.

My history and honor come from God alone.

He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.

O my people, trust in Him at all times.

Pour out your hearts to Him,

for God is our refuge."

-Psalm 62:5-8

August was an insane month. The passage of scripture above perfectly describes what I was feeling at the time. Summer tour ended, and with it came difficult goodbyes. 

Sidenote: I absolutely despise goodbyes. They're so depressing and final and awful in every way.

Anyway...I arrived home and had exactly one week to get everything packed for Knoxville. One week to put my life of 16 years into boxes and start over in a new place. To make things even more dramatic, I found out a few days before moving that the studio I was supposed to be teaching piano at had NO students for me. Which meant that now, I was moving to Knoxville with no guarantee of a job or of an income. And all I could think was, "This is going to be that time in my life where I look back and say that I trusted the Lord with everything in me." But really. 

Time to move...

We're here and we're roommates again at last! :)

September:

"And sometimes, I think that I'm not any good at all

And sometimes, I wonder why, why I'm even here at all

But then you assure me:

I'm a little more than useless

When I think that I can't do this

You promise me that I'll get through this

And do something right, do something right for once."

-Relient K

September began as a month of panic and worry. I had been living in Knoxville for almost 4 weeks and still hadn't acquired a job. I knew I needed to trust more...but I was forgetting how to do that. However, God is so great about using little things to remind me of His constant presence in my life, and of His daily provision for me. One such thing was a visit from my lifelong best friend, during which we were able to see Relient K in concert! It was so fun and exactly what I needed to get my mind off of all things job related. And a few days after she went home...I had a job interview with Chickfila, where I was so blessed to be hired. It definitely wasn't what I had thought I would be doing, but I was grateful for the opportunity and for the paycheck. :) Things were starting to look up.

October:

"Hold onto the past as long as you have to...but grab onto the future as soon as you are able."

-Gene Mims

October is my favorite month of the year. Always has been. I love the idea of nature turning its brightest and most beautiful as it gradually surrenders to the coming change of season. And that's what this month ended up being for me, in a way. I attended Bryan College's Homecoming (my first one as an actual alum) and it was a beautiful weekend surrounded by friends who were in the same situation as me. I wasn't the only person who missed that place, and it was comforting to realize I'm not a freak for loving my alma mater. For that weekend, I was able to hold on to my past and to cherish it. For the remainder of October, I spent a great deal of time with friends; Emilie and I had several people come to stay with us for weekends, and we also travelled to be with them. I will never cease to be amazed at how many deep, meaningful friendships God has blessed me with. So many people are in my life that I consider to be lifelong, genuinely intimate friends. And I will never stop being overwhelmed by their love for me. It is truly amazing.

November:

"I take hope in Jesus' scars...I can hope that the tears we shed, the blows we receive, the emotional pain, the heartache over lost friends and loved ones, all these will become memories, like Jesus' scars. Scars never completely go away, but neither do they hurt any longer."

-Philip Yancey

Oh, how well this quote describes my November. This particular month was a tough one...mainly because this particular month a year ago was full of memories and events that are now painful to remember. And I'm the type of person that records every event in my life...therefore making it impossible to forget anything, both good and bad. However, I was able to drive home to be with my parents twice this month, and that was such a good thing for me. I didn't realize how much I missed them until I was there again. Leaving them to go back to Knoxville made my heart ache each time, and I wonder even now if it will ever get easier. On a lighter note, one of my very best friends got engaged, and he asked me to be in his wedding party in May. This was definitely the highlight of my month, cause we haven't been close friends for very long and to be in his party is a huge honor. :) I also had my first "wreck," if you can call rolling down a hill into a thicket a wreck. Thankfully only my license plate broke off, but it was still an...interesting experience. 

December:

"The table is set and our glasses are full;

Though pieces go missing, may we still feel whole.

We'll build new traditions in place of the old--

cause life without revision will silence our souls.

Let our bells keep on ringing,

making angels in the snow;

May the melody disarm us

When the cracks begin to show.

Like the petals in our pockets,

May we remember who we are:

Unconditionally cared for

By those who share our broken hearts."

-Sleeping at Last

December...realizing that an entire year is almost over and gone. Realizing that 12 months have gone by, and you have lived every single day in between. Realizing that soon, every experience in 2014 will be just a distant memory. 

This month was spent in Christmas mode: going to concerts, decorating our apartment, buying presents, and looking forward to a break with my family. And being at home did not disappoint. I was able to relax, watch Christmas movies, play the piano, see old friends, and simply bask in the glow of the holiday emotions that always surface around that time. It was a wonderful way to end this year, and now I can truthfully say that I am excited to see what the next 12 months hold for me. I honestly (and selfishly) hope that it will not be quite as challenging or as painful as 2014 has been...but no matter what happens, I know that it will be for a reason, it will teach me something valuable, and I will not be alone.

So, to conclude, this year has been a tough one. It started with having my heart broken in several ways. It seemed to get worse with no sense of purpose, direction or clarity. But God has been so good to me. He held my hand for every shaky step and listened to me cry and complain every day. Through the year, He showed me that life is full of possibility and the future is so much more wonderful than I could ever imagine. All I need to do is trust...and obey.

Here's to a new year with new lessons to be learned and new memories to be made.