Happiness Is...Not Enough.

For those of you who know me really well, you know I ADORE quotes. My room is covered with cards and posters of words that stood out to me over the years. I give quotes as gifts constantly; they might not mean as much to others but to me, they are one of the most important things in my life. I love finding the thoughts of someone I've never met...and connecting with what they have to say. There's something oddly intimate about it; I've found a new friend, even if they're far away or no longer alive.

Over the past few months, I've been trying to compile all of my favorite quotes into one leather journal. It's quite a task, and as I've pored over books and old journals, I've been overwhelmed by how much my life has changed in the past 7 years. Highschool came and went with its countless heartaches and growing pains; college has also completed its journey, leaving me here looking back and saying, "What now?"

Sometimes I can be a bit dramatic (and I know that everyone who reads this is rolling their eyes right now...), and I tend to gravitate towards quotes and poetry that is about heartbreak, a lost lover, or tragic romance that was destined to fail from the start. You know, the normal uplifting literature. But lately, I've been even more interested in reading about other people's regrets and well-worn memories that never seem to fade, no matter how much time passes. When I see their words spill onto the pages in front of me, hear the pain and worry through their sentences, I somehow am comforted to know that I'm not alone. I'm not the only one who feels regret and pain when looking back on their life.

Her heart is played

like well-worn strings;

in her eyes

the sadness sings;

of one who was destined,

for better things.

-Lang Leav

Some might say this poem is over the top, much too melancholy. But for me? It sums up rather well what I fear most in life; that I will one day look back over my years and find nothing but "I wish" and "If only..." 

I'm only 22 right now, and I realize that I still have a lot of life left (God willing, of course). But right now, I take the time to reminisce on my life for the past 7 years...and interestingly enough, the sad memories are the ones that float in front of my mind's eye. I can still remember what I felt like at 15:

I had never experienced love.

I had never experienced true independence.

I had never experienced...life. And I wanted to, so badly.

I was eager, chomping at the bit to be my own person, to discover who I was and who I was meant to be. I wanted to find someone to love me for me and to live life to the fullest. Classic teenage woes.

Now, at 22, I look back and say, "If only I had known..."

With love comes heartbreak and betrayal.

With independence comes loneliness and the weight of responsibility.

With life...comes pain. In so many ways.

***

When I was 15, I experienced my first romantic love affair. It was perfect and sweet and romantic and dramatic...everything a 15 year old girl dreams of. I had the phone calls, the letters, the poems written about me, the dozen roses.

Until one day it came down to "I love her. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

It ended in lies, broken promises and betrayal; shattering my dream of a perfect love and leaving me staring in the mirror, saying "What did I do? What wasn't enough?"

When lovely woman stoops to folly

And finds too late that men betray;

What charm can soothe her melancholy,

What art can wash her guilt away?

-Oliver Goldsmith

***

Now, of course to all you cynics out there, this seems silly. Of course you're not going to marry your first love. Hardly anyone does. How do you know what you want if you don't get out there and discover what you don't want? You're constantly changing...you can't expect to find the person you're meant to spend your life with before you've even lived your life at all. 

I've heard all of that...most of it has merit. But that's not the point. I'd lived my whole childhood, up to now, thinking that I would only date one person and have this beautiful love story and I'd never be hurt by anyone. So this-this was the moment when I had to look at my idealistic dreams and my childish concept of love and say "This isn't real. It won't happen. I can't expect that, because it's a fairy tale...and fairy tales are just that...a story written by someone who probably had the same luck with love that I did." It was a monumental moment in my life.

And it had drastic consequences.

***

When I arrived at Bryan College, I was 18...and naturally assumed I was a full-blown adult who knew exactly how to live my life and no longer needed guidance or direction from anyone. I was on my own! I was free to do what I wanted. It was wonderfully glorious...until I fell in love. And this time my parents couldn't keep me from seeing him, couldn't take my phone or make me stay away. I'd never experienced a love like this. It was overwhelming, it was constant, it was true...it would last.

Until I discovered one day that it wouldn't, actually. It was fake, it was fleeting, it was one huge lie...and it came down to "I've been dating someone else this whole time. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

Another love story that ended in heartbreak, betrayal, and lies. Once again, I found myself asking, "What did I do? What wasn't enough? Why am I always second best?"

With the hurts piling up and the doubts creeping in, I began to accept this as normal. I wasn't ever going to be someone's first choice. Nobody was going to ever look at me and say "This girl...I want her above all others." It had never happened before; why should it now? My view of love and commitment began to shift and distort until I wasn't even sure what love meant. Had I really ever loved anyone? How should I know? I definitely wasn't worthy of a real love.

Our heart changes, and this is the greatest cause of suffering in life.

-Marcel Proust

***

There have been other loves in my life since then. They've all ended. With each one, a little bit more of my heart and my hope was broken off...until I am now left holding the pieces and saying, "How can this ever be fixed?" Now, looking at college behind me and so many of my friends married, happy, in love...it's sometimes hard to see how this could possibly result in a "Happily ever after" for me. 

But today, I realized something. And it may not be revolutionary to you...but it blew my mind.

Happily ever after is the stupidest thing we could EVER wish for anyone.

Let's be honest; life is not happy. Crap happens. We hurt. People die. We grieve. Seasons of life come and go. We dwell on memories. 

Life is not going to be perfect just because you're "happy." 

Happiness is...not enough.

So what do I do? What do I wish for now?

***

As I said earlier, I have always feared looking back and seeing only regret. The thought of wishing my life had been different chills me to the core. I want to love my life, not loathe it.

Today, I was in the doctor's office for a checkup, and my physician randomly began talking about her post-college days, and how she felt like nothing was working out the way she had hoped. She said "So many things had happened, little things here, little things there...and none of them made any sense to me. And then one day...they all just kind of...came together. And the big picture that they created was the answer to every question I'd had." 

I've been thinking about that as I write this post...looking back over the pain I've experienced in my life. It's sometimes difficult to see why I've been allowed to wander down this path; why nothing kept me from experiencing so much heartache and rejection and despair.

But I'm gradually realizing that these experiences--as painful as they may have been (and still are)--will eventually come together and create the tapestry of my life. And somehow...someday...it's going to be beautiful.

She who reconciles the ill-matched threads

of her life, and weaves them gratefully

Into a single cloth--

It's she who drives the loudmouths from the hall

And clears it for a different celebration.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Pain is inevitable in life, and it's not going to get any easier as the years go by. But learning to take the pain and view it as merely a part of you, not the whole...that changes everything.

So I've decided. Instead of "Happily Ever After..." 

I want to one day look back on my life and say "Yes, I had pain. I was hurt countless times. People betrayed me. Those I loved did not love me back. But through each wound, I found healing in the lesson learned and the wisdom gained. And for that I am forever grateful.

I want to live "Gratefully Ever After."

It is easy enough to be pleasant,

When life flows by like a song,

But the man worthwhile is one who

will smile,

When everything goes dead wrong.

For the test of the heart is trouble,

And it always comes with the years,

And the smile that is worth the praises

of earth

Is the one that shines through tears.

-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Give me a broken heart that yet carries home the water of grace...

-The Valley of Vision