Lexicon.: "Goodbye" doesn't mean "The End."

“It's important in life to conclude things properly. Only then can you let go. Otherwise you are left with words you should have said but never did, and your heart is heavy with remorse.” -Yann Martel

I've thought for days about what to say...I need to process this. Somehow.

Yesterday I moved out of my dorm and realized that my time at Bryan College as a student is officially over. I stood in my room and looked at the emptiness; the bare walls that had displayed countless pictures and the hollow shelves that were once filled with momentos. As I did so, an overwhelming grief swept over me. Never again am I going to pack up all of my pointless stuff and move into a dorm room, running through the little bathroom to see my suitemates and screaming, laughing, hugging and picking up where we left off the semester before. Never again am I going to be frantically texting all of my friends to say "I'm here where are you I need to see you NOW!" Never again will I wake up, go to class, eat, laugh, cry, sing, play, fall asleep, and simply...live with the people I love most, day after day after day.

Those days after days after days have ended for me.

The past week has been incredibly difficult as I try to figure out how to let go of my life for the past 4 1/2 years, yet somehow hold on to what I love most about this place: the people. "Community" is a huge buzz word at Bryan and everyone makes light of it, but I can honestly say that it's the truth. From day one on this campus, I have been surrounded by people who have a capacity to love that puts the rest of the world to shame. The Lord has been so gracious to me in this area. In the nine semesters I spent at Bryan, He has never failed to bring at least one person into my life that drastically alters my perception of both the world and of myself...in a good way. They have poured into me, selflessly loved me, allowed me to be exactly who I am (which for those of you who don't know...it can be quite scary) and have supported me in everything. And though my friend group was constantly shifting, adding and subtracting...I needed every single one of them at some point and for some reason. And they were there for me. Without fail.

At Bryan.

But sometimes I find myself scared to death about walking away from this place. I have laid awake at night, wondering how long it will take for my friends to realize that they're just fine without me...that they never really needed me to be there at all. Sure, they said "We'll miss you so much" and "It won't be the same when you're gone," but how many days will go by before they say "Oh, I forgot about Lex! Seems like forever since she was here." I'm not trying to be dramatic, because this is honestly something I struggle with. I don't want to be the center of attention. I don't want everyone to wail and lament for the rest of their lives just because I graduated. But I do wonder if I love people too deeply; if the way I care for the people in my life is too great and will never be reciprocated to that degree. It's a question I have often asked myself, and honestly I think it will always be an issue with me. And that's ok, I suppose...I don't think loving people well is something to be ashamed of.

Anyway, over the past week, I kept trying to find a way to deal with the fear of leaving--

Of losing--

Of forgetting.

And I never felt at peace about it. I mean, yes, of course I know the Lord has a plan and He's not going to abandon me and everything will work out if it's supposed to work out and if someone really cares about me then they'll put forth the effort to keep in touch and blah blah blah.

It's not garbage...but I needed something more. Something real.

On Friday night, I got together with a bunch of my friends and we had dinner one last time. As we were sitting around, a few of them randomly gave me "parting gifts." It was completely unexpected, but it was so genuinely sweet. Each gift was an excellent representation of the type of person they were: a coffee mug, a journal, and a book. Simple gifts. But each person had written a note to me...and these are what meant a thousand times more than the actual present.

"You will always have a portion of my heart. No matter the time. No matter the distance. You will always be my beloved friend...My only regret is that I didn't get to know you sooner."

"My life and my time left at Bryan will never be the same. In a very good way. I love you, Lex."

"You are one of the sweetest things about Bryan for me...I can't imagine life without you and hope and pray that we will always be in touch no matter the physical distance."

I read each one of these messages and cried...because it was through the simple words that God took my fear, anxiety and dread and transformed it into confidence, gratitude and determination to maintain the relationships He had blessed me with. Just because I'm leaving Bryan College doesn't mean I'm leaving people's lives...or hearts. The bonds that have been formed don't have to be broken from distance or time. These people love me, and I adore them.

It's going to be okay.