To Whom It May Concern:

Why do I even write these blog posts? Who even reads them? Some people write because it cleanses them of their jumbled thoughts and emotions. Some people write because they can't express themselves well verbally.

Sometimes I wonder if I write because I'm trying to reach the people who are beyond my reach.

Is that a good enough reason? Is it wrong to publicly write my thoughts and feelings simply because I am unable to share them with the people I want to know it most? Is that selfish? Or dramatic? Or immature? I honestly don't know.

When you have no way of knowing what someone is feeling, sometimes you have to be vulnerable and lay it all out there...hoping that somehow, someway, they see it and understand what it means. Even if you don't.

Well, here you go. This is for You.

***

I have no idea who I am right now. I don't know what I want out of life. I don't know what I hope to be one day. I don't even know what my dreams are anymore. I think about what I pictured this time in my life looking like...and I realize that I never had a picture of anything. All I could ever see was what I had directly in front of me:

A table of friends smiling and laughing, teachers with cups of coffee and words of advice, a picnic table with my Bible, gingko leaves scattered on the ground, a grand piano under a spotlight, an overstuffed couch with musty smells and arms to hold me, promises of loyalty and never-ending affection, my family close to my heart but not within arm's reach, the excitement of pursuing dreams that seemed attainable, the fight to make something worth fighting for, the knowledge that I was completely and entirely loved, admired, pursued, and missed...by the ones that mattered most.

That's always been my problem. I focus entirely on the moment at hand and never stop to think about what things will look like a month, two months from then. I try to look into the vast haze of my future, become nauseated, and quickly turn back to the voices in front of me that say, "You're amazing. I'm not going anywhere. I promise you have nothing to be scared of. I care."

Except that sometimes, those voices fall silent, the present suddenly becomes the past and the future jumps into the present, finding you unprepared and frantically rereading the already lived moments of your life.

Yes, you should enjoy the moment. But what happens when the moment ends?

I've heard the saying, "Do the next thing. No matter how simple."

But what if you don't know what the next thing is? What if you've honestly searched and cried and grappled and clawed your way through the pain, the loneliness and the not understanding...and come up with nothing?

In case you were wondering, that's precisely where I am. My search to understand has resulted in frustration. My cries for clarity have ended in confusion. My grappling with "why" has been answered with deafening silence. My heart that longs for restoration and healing has found nothing to hold onto but the hope of "one day."

So I wait. I press on. I keep the oh-so-tiny flame of hope alive in my heart, gently coaxing it to burn and shed light on the shadows of my soul. I do this so that when the time is right, it can leap into a blaze of blinding joy and be the beacon that brings someone else's tiny flame of hope--and their Heart--to me.

Limitless Loving.

I'm on this random poetry kick. Well, I've been discovering poetry for several months now, so it's not quite that random. But lately I've been spending a lot of time researching more modern poetry. Nothing against the classics--they're amazing--but I tend to connect much easier with writers of today.

Anyway, I've been looking up unknown writers and their work...and just last night, I was scrolling through a page of love poems and I found this little gem.

He had a tendency

To only have feelings for her when he

was lonely.

She had a tendency

To love him more than he deserved.

I have no idea who it's by...someone named "s.s." Well, thank you, s.s., for hitting the nail on the head of my life and how I view love.

Because in all reality, that's the way I would describe my experience with the emotion.

At the risk of sounding pretentious, I am a very loving person. When I decide that someone is worth my attention and time, I pour everything I have into that friendship/relationship/connection. And it usually happens that I give 200% while receiving a percentage much lower than that.

And honestly, it's not their fault. I love more than the average human. I know this. So I shouldn't...I can't expect to feel the same amount of love from them. Can I?

I think back on all of my past romantic relationships. Every single one resulted in me giving all of my self to that person, and not receiving nearly as much in return. I was left feeling rejected, lonely, unworthy and basically, not good enough. They were everything to me; I was pouring my heart and soul into making them feel loved, encouraged, cared for, served, appreciated, admired...and I was getting a "You're great, but I just can't do this anymore." Treated poorly, under appreciated, taken advantage of, and yet I continued to love them and put their needs above my own.

Once again, this is not to make myself seem better than most. I'm simply explaining what I know to be true about me. This is who I am. This is what my life has been. This is how my relationships have developed.

I was talking to a friend about it yesterday, and I made some dramatic comment about being the girl who's never good enough for real love. He said, "Lex, I have never seen you as that girl. That's not who you are. You've just had some bad luck." But I don't think it was bad luck. I think it was just me loving too much. Too often.


Then I started to think, "Is that really such a terrible thing?" I mean, honestly. The ability to love another person selflessly and to love them beyond the amount they deserve...isn't that how Jesus commands us to love? Isn't that how HE loves us?

Of course it is. So why do I chastise myself for loving others in the same way?

I suppose there should be a certain element of self-preservation in the way we love people. But I can't seem to find that element. I don't know if I ever will. Maybe I'm destined to love people who can not and will never return the favor. Maybe I will always pour out, give everything in me and only have the Lord to fulfill that need. I hope that one day there will be someone who will at least try to love me to the best of his ability. However, my past 22 years have shown me that I will probably love more than others.

But here's the thing. I'd much rather look back and feel hurt, broken, and depleted...but to feel that way because I honestly gave all of the love within me. I loved that person as Christ loves me, and that's all that matters. I'd rather feel the pain of loving too much than the comfort of putting up walls and choosing whom to love.

You silly little girl,

you think you've survived so long

that survival shouldn't hurt anymore.

You keep trying to turn your body

bullet-proof. You keep trying to turn your heart

bomb shelter. Stop, darling.

You are soft and alive.

You bruise and heal. Cherish it.

It is what you were born to do.

-Clementine von Radics

"Mouthful of Forevers."

I'm not really a sappy person. I'm a romantic, sure, and I love a good chick flick every now and then. But I'm not the type to gush about love and all that jazz.

However,  I found this poem about 3 months ago, and I wasn't sure what to do with it. I thought it was the most beautiful thing I'd read in a long time, and even now, I read it and find my heart touched in an amazing way.

I want to share it with all of you because I think that today, of all days, one should make themselves read a really romantic poem. :)

And PS...this poem captures my philosophy on love...which is that pasts don't matter, and true love chooses to see someone's scars as beauty instead. I adore that.

I am not the first person you loved.

You are not the first person 

I looked at with a mouthful of forevers. 

We have both known loss 

like the sharp edges of a knife. 

We have both lived with lips

more scar tissue than skin. 

Our love came unannounced 

in the middle of the night.

Our love came when we’d given up

on asking love to come. 

I think that has to be part

of its miracle.

This is how we heal.

I will kiss you like forgiveness. 

You will hold me like I’m hope. 

Our arms will bandage 

and we will press promises between us 

like flowers in a book.

I will write sonnets 

to the salt of sweat on your skin. 

I will write novels 

to the scar of your nose. 

I will write a dictionary

of all the words I have used 

trying to describe the way it feels 

to have finally,

finally found you.

And I will not be afraid

of your scars.

I know sometimes

it’s still hard to let me see you

in all your cracked perfection,

but please know:

whether it’s the days you burn

more brilliant than the sun

or the nights you collapse into my lap

your body broken into a thousand questions,

you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

I will love you when you are a still day.

I will love you when you are a hurricane.

-Clementine von Radics, "Mouthful of Forevers"

Happy Valentine's Day, all.

Let's go out and love the people around us, and let's not be afraid of their scars.

Spoken Word: The Christian Façade

We all wear different masks.

There’s no point in denying it—we do.

We have a mask for our jobs…so we can be professional and demand respect.

We have a mask for strangers…so we can protect ourselves and evaluate whom we trust.

We have a mask for dating,

            For parents,

            For friends,

            For extended family,

            For teachers…

We have a mask for everything.

Sometimes it’s necessary. Sometimes it’s even good. Acceptable.

But let me ask you this:

Why do we have a mask for the Christian life?

If you really stop and think about it, it’s completely ridiculous.

Jesus, the Son of God, hung on a cross.

            Mutilated

            Shamed

            Ridiculed

            Broken

            Scarred

            Bleeding

            Gasping for breath

            KILLED…

By our sins.

No one is exempt.

Do we really get that? Our sins are the cause of the crucifixion. The things we do everyday. Our human failings.

We talk about it all the time—we say the jargon. We thank God for saving us from our sins—but still we cower behind a façade of purity and perfection.

Surely here, among other saved sinners should be the place where the mask comes

OFF;

Not where it is secured more tightly.

Surely, here is where we can lift our heads in confidence and sweet acknowledgement of our Savior’s sacrifice without lathering makeup over our souls.

Surely, here we can come together in Christ without applying a foundation of

“I’m great,”

brightening our spiritual cheeks with phrases like

“I don’t struggle with anything, really”

or

“Nothing to share at the moment.”

Caked-on layers. Caked-on lies.

Caked-on crap.

We ALL struggle. We ALL sin.

Every. Single. Day.

When are we going to strip away the lifeless versions of ourselves that we parade in front of other believers? Why do we feel this insatiable need to look normal?

We are NOT normal.

We have been saved by the insurmountable grace of God. We have been rescued from the pit of hell and given a new name, a new life, a new identity in Him.

There is NOTHING normal about us.

So why pretend?

When are we going to open up about our sins and our struggles…and allow the body of Christ to lift us up when we can’t lift up our masks any longer?

Sin comes in all shapes. It plays out in all scenes of life.

Maybe it’s a teenage boy—or girl—who cries themselves to sleep every night because the laptop on their desk lures them into a pornographic jail cell they can’t escape from. 

Maybe it’s the wife who can’t look her husband in the eye because she has another lover…someone who cares, who notices, who listens…and she desperately wants to run away from responsibility, from promises…and start over.

Maybe it’s the pastor who is preaching empty, meaningless sermons that he struggled to write because the Lord stopped speaking years ago…but he could never admit it.

Maybe it’s the girl who has never had a dad and cannot understand the love of a Father who will never leave…so she turns to other men to fill the yawning chasm of abandonment in her life, again and again and again, hoping for fulfillment but finding deeper loneliness.

Maybe it’s the child who has grown up in the church, thrust in the spotlight, always on display—but inwardly seething, rebelling, hating…and promising to walk away from it all as soon as the chance comes along.

Maybe it’s the Christian who sits in church every Sunday, diligently reads the Bible, and at home, cries out in anger to the Lord because they love their gender and they know it’s wrong…but the attraction remains.

Not one of us has been spared. We can all sit and stare at the overwhelming heap of our pasts; the avalanche of

            Guilt

            Fear

            Shame

            Hurt

            Pain

            Heartache

            Embarrassment

            Revulsion

            Anger

            Denial                                                                                                                      
            Lies

            Excuses

            Secret

            Desires &

            Urges;

All of which threaten to cave in and destroy us…and even worse, expose us.

There’s no question that in the church you belong to, there is at least one person who fits each of these descriptions.

People next to you who are hurting, desperately crying out for help behind the mask they valiantly wear day after day.

But the masks are growing heavy, and it’s time for them to come off.

Who will join me in removing the mask of Christian perfection that pervades our faith, our church and our future as the body of Christ?

Who will be the first to drop the dramatics?

Jesus said, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.”

But He could just as easily say,

“Let him who is without sin keep their mask in place.”

When a brother or sister is lying in the dirt of their pasts, ashamed and broken and exposed to the world for what they are…

A sinner—

Will we stand around and hope that we are not found out for our own mistakes?

Or will we kneel beside them, remove our masks of pretention and pompous piety and bask in the glorious rays of His forgiveness and grace, all of us freely admitting our sin and working together to start again?

It’s time to accept who we are.

Sinners miraculously redeemed…

But sinners who still struggle everyday.

Let’s begin a revolution of vulnerability and genuine love for one another.

Let’s begin a revolution of Real.

Sinner and Savior: A Dialogue.

I'll admit it. This stuff is pretty personal. And I wouldn't normally share it.

But I feel led to.

What follows is snippets of my walk with the Lord for the past month. Since 2014 began. There's going to be bits and pieces of my letters to God (Yes, that's how I pray...I find that writing out my prayers in letter form helps me focus my thoughts and allows me to look back on all He has taught me later.), and then His answer, whether through Scripture or other literature I'm currently reading. As I'm writing this, I am astounded at the ways He reveals Himself to me.

For those of you who are curious, for the past 9 months or so, I've been taking a book of the Bible and reading it for a month. I find this allows the Scriptures to really soak into my heart and give me hope. I'm currently reading Hebrews, and it amazes me to see how God can take one little book and answer every cry of my soul and question of my mind with the words written.  I hope it's equally encouraging to you who choose to read this.

-January 15, 2014-

Me: "Not being at Bryan consumes me, and I feel like I'm not living. That place was my safety, and I don't know what to do or how to find joy in this situation."

God: "With my whole being, body and soul, I will shout joyfully to the living God. What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord...When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessing." (Psalm 84)

"We may be earnestly desiring to be obedient and holy. But we may be missing the fact that it is here, where we happen to be at this moment and not in another place or another time, that we may learn to love Him--here where it seems He is not at work, where His will seems obscure or frightening, where He is not doing what we expected Him to do, where He is most absent. Here and nowhere else is the appointed place. If faith does not go to work here, it will not go to work at all." -Elisabeth Elliot

-January 20, 2014-

Me: "Oh God, I feel so incredibly alone and rejected. Hold me."

God: "This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; He is my God and I trust Him...The Lord says, 'I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them." (Psalm 91)

"God never denies us our heart's desire except to give us something better." -Elisabeth Elliot


-January 31, 2014-

Me: "One month of this year gone...and I feel as if I'm nowhere closer to figuring out what's next. God, I feel stuck--like I'm trapped here with no way out and nowhere to go. I'm lonely and sad and I feel empty...I can't feel love from people, and it seems like everything that could go wrong has. What do I do?"

God: "So God has given both His promise and His oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to Him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls." (Hebrews 6:18-19)

"I cried out, 'I am slipping!' but Your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, Your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." (Psalm 94:18-19)

"Why?
The question that is never far away
But healing doesn't come from the explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have all that remains


Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord, take hold and pull me through..." -MercyMe "The Hurt and the Healer"


-February 3, 2014-

Me: "I'm trying to trust You, I am. But I read Psalm 98:6 which says, "Make a joyful symphony before the Lord, the King" and I ask myself, 'How is my life a symphony right now?' I feel like an out-of-tune piano that is growing dusty in the corner, ignored and neglected. Lord, I want to be in Your will, but this just doesn't make sense."

God: "Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep His promise...Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised." (Hebrews 10:23, 36)

"Christ calls me out of my natural self-centeredness by listening to my cries and then showing me the bigger picture." -Elisabeth Elliot


-February 7, 2014-

Me: "I know that You have me and my dreams and my future and my fears all taken care of. I believe that. But then my mind goes crazy and I'm back to where I started, clutching at my worries and crying for something to change. What an insult that must be to You! You, who control literally everything. To see me snatching back all of myself and pridefully announcing "I can do this myself." Help me to release fear and anxiety and to allow You to lead me. Wherever You want."

God: "...let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith." (Hebrews 12:1-2)


It's crazy...the way God speaks to us. I read this quote by Jonathan Edwards, and he describes how our spiritual journeys should fill us with affection for Christ:

Our external delights, our ambition and reputation, and our human relationships--for all these things our desires are eager, our appetites strong, our love warm and affectionate, our zeal ardent. Our hearts are tender and sensitive when it comes to these things, easily moved, deeply impressed, much concerned, and greatly engaged. We are depressed at our losses and excited and joyful about our worldly successes and prosperity. But when it comes to spiritual matters, how dull we feel! How heavy and hard our hearts! We can sit and hear of the infinite height, and depth, and length, and breadth of the love of God in Christ Jesus, of his giving his infinitely dear Son--and yet be cold and unmoved!...If we are going to be emotional about anything, shouldn't it be our spiritual lives? Is anything more inspiring, more exciting, more loveable and desirable in heaven or earth than the gospel of Jesus Christ?...The gospel story is designed to affect us emotionally--and our emotions are designed to be affected by its beauty and glory. It touches our hearts at their tenderest parts, shaking us deeply to the core. We should be utterly humbled that we are not more emotionally affected than we are."

Well. I may not have been feeling emotional affection for the Lord...but this past month has definitely put me on the road to falling more in love with Jesus than I ever thought possible.

It's a beautiful thing.