But I feel led to.
What follows is snippets of my walk with the Lord for the past month. Since 2014 began. There's going to be bits and pieces of my letters to God (Yes, that's how I pray...I find that writing out my prayers in letter form helps me focus my thoughts and allows me to look back on all He has taught me later.), and then His answer, whether through Scripture or other literature I'm currently reading. As I'm writing this, I am astounded at the ways He reveals Himself to me.
For those of you who are curious, for the past 9 months or so, I've been taking a book of the Bible and reading it for a month. I find this allows the Scriptures to really soak into my heart and give me hope. I'm currently reading Hebrews, and it amazes me to see how God can take one little book and answer every cry of my soul and question of my mind with the words written. I hope it's equally encouraging to you who choose to read this.
-January 15, 2014-
Me: "Not being at Bryan consumes me, and I feel like I'm not living. That place was my safety, and I don't know what to do or how to find joy in this situation."
God: "With my whole being, body and soul, I will shout joyfully to the living God. What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord...When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessing." (Psalm 84)
"We may be earnestly desiring to be obedient and holy. But we may be missing the fact that it is here, where we happen to be at this moment and not in another place or another time, that we may learn to love Him--here where it seems He is not at work, where His will seems obscure or frightening, where He is not doing what we expected Him to do, where He is most absent. Here and nowhere else is the appointed place. If faith does not go to work here, it will not go to work at all." -Elisabeth Elliot
-January 20, 2014-
Me: "Oh God, I feel so incredibly alone and rejected. Hold me."
God: "This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; He is my God and I trust Him...The Lord says, 'I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them." (Psalm 91)
"God never denies us our heart's desire except to give us something better." -Elisabeth Elliot
-January 31, 2014-
Me: "One month of this year gone...and I feel as if I'm nowhere closer to figuring out what's next. God, I feel stuck--like I'm trapped here with no way out and nowhere to go. I'm lonely and sad and I feel empty...I can't feel love from people, and it seems like everything that could go wrong has. What do I do?"
God: "So God has given both His promise and His oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to Him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls." (Hebrews 6:18-19)
"I cried out, 'I am slipping!' but Your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, Your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." (Psalm 94:18-19)
"Why?
The question that is never far away
But healing doesn't come from the explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have all that remains
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord, take hold and pull me through..." -MercyMe "The Hurt and the Healer"
-February 3, 2014-
Me: "I'm trying to trust You, I am. But I read Psalm 98:6 which says, "Make a joyful symphony before the Lord, the King" and I ask myself, 'How is my life a symphony right now?' I feel like an out-of-tune piano that is growing dusty in the corner, ignored and neglected. Lord, I want to be in Your will, but this just doesn't make sense."
God: "Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep His promise...Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised." (Hebrews 10:23, 36)
"Christ calls me out of my natural self-centeredness by listening to my cries and then showing me the bigger picture." -Elisabeth Elliot
-February 7, 2014-
Me: "I know that You have me and my dreams and my future and my fears all taken care of. I believe that. But then my mind goes crazy and I'm back to where I started, clutching at my worries and crying for something to change. What an insult that must be to You! You, who control literally everything. To see me snatching back all of myself and pridefully announcing "I can do this myself." Help me to release fear and anxiety and to allow You to lead me. Wherever You want."
God: "...let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith." (Hebrews 12:1-2)
It's crazy...the way God speaks to us. I read this quote by Jonathan Edwards, and he describes how our spiritual journeys should fill us with affection for Christ:
Our external delights, our ambition and reputation, and our human relationships--for all these things our desires are eager, our appetites strong, our love warm and affectionate, our zeal ardent. Our hearts are tender and sensitive when it comes to these things, easily moved, deeply impressed, much concerned, and greatly engaged. We are depressed at our losses and excited and joyful about our worldly successes and prosperity. But when it comes to spiritual matters, how dull we feel! How heavy and hard our hearts! We can sit and hear of the infinite height, and depth, and length, and breadth of the love of God in Christ Jesus, of his giving his infinitely dear Son--and yet be cold and unmoved!...If we are going to be emotional about anything, shouldn't it be our spiritual lives? Is anything more inspiring, more exciting, more loveable and desirable in heaven or earth than the gospel of Jesus Christ?...The gospel story is designed to affect us emotionally--and our emotions are designed to be affected by its beauty and glory. It touches our hearts at their tenderest parts, shaking us deeply to the core. We should be utterly humbled that we are not more emotionally affected than we are."
Well. I may not have been feeling emotional affection for the Lord...but this past month has definitely put me on the road to falling more in love with Jesus than I ever thought possible.
It's a beautiful thing.
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