Anyway, I've been looking up unknown writers and their work...and just last night, I was scrolling through a page of love poems and I found this little gem.
He had a tendency
To only have feelings for her when he
was lonely.
She had a tendency
To love him more than he deserved.
I have no idea who it's by...someone named "s.s." Well, thank you, s.s., for hitting the nail on the head of my life and how I view love.
Because in all reality, that's the way I would describe my experience with the emotion.
At the risk of sounding pretentious, I am a very loving person. When I decide that someone is worth my attention and time, I pour everything I have into that friendship/relationship/connection. And it usually happens that I give 200% while receiving a percentage much lower than that.
And honestly, it's not their fault. I love more than the average human. I know this. So I shouldn't...I can't expect to feel the same amount of love from them. Can I?
I think back on all of my past romantic relationships. Every single one resulted in me giving all of my self to that person, and not receiving nearly as much in return. I was left feeling rejected, lonely, unworthy and basically, not good enough. They were everything to me; I was pouring my heart and soul into making them feel loved, encouraged, cared for, served, appreciated, admired...and I was getting a "You're great, but I just can't do this anymore." Treated poorly, under appreciated, taken advantage of, and yet I continued to love them and put their needs above my own.
Once again, this is not to make myself seem better than most. I'm simply explaining what I know to be true about me. This is who I am. This is what my life has been. This is how my relationships have developed.
I was talking to a friend about it yesterday, and I made some dramatic comment about being the girl who's never good enough for real love. He said, "Lex, I have never seen you as that girl. That's not who you are. You've just had some bad luck." But I don't think it was bad luck. I think it was just me loving too much. Too often.
Then I started to think, "Is that really such a terrible thing?" I mean, honestly. The ability to love another person selflessly and to love them beyond the amount they deserve...isn't that how Jesus commands us to love? Isn't that how HE loves us?
Of course it is. So why do I chastise myself for loving others in the same way?
I suppose there should be a certain element of self-preservation in the way we love people. But I can't seem to find that element. I don't know if I ever will. Maybe I'm destined to love people who can not and will never return the favor. Maybe I will always pour out, give everything in me and only have the Lord to fulfill that need. I hope that one day there will be someone who will at least try to love me to the best of his ability. However, my past 22 years have shown me that I will probably love more than others.
But here's the thing. I'd much rather look back and feel hurt, broken, and depleted...but to feel that way because I honestly gave all of the love within me. I loved that person as Christ loves me, and that's all that matters. I'd rather feel the pain of loving too much than the comfort of putting up walls and choosing whom to love.
You silly little girl,
you think you've survived so long
that survival shouldn't hurt anymore.
You keep trying to turn your body
bullet-proof. You keep trying to turn your heart
bomb shelter. Stop, darling.
You are soft and alive.
You bruise and heal. Cherish it.
It is what you were born to do.
-Clementine von Radics
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