Right for the Moment.

I'll be honest.

I'm struggling bigtime.

My last post was about how I found clarity and I was so thankful for the Lord bringing the ambiguity of my life into focus and how His timing was perfect and etc....

But the last 3 days have literally destroyed almost all of that.

I won't go into the details of what happened to shatter my contented outlook on the future, but let's just say I have found myself knocked flat on the pavement of life; confused, hurting and completely uncertain. Of pretty much everything.

Today, I was sitting in church, and the pastor was speaking on Elisha and what he did to serve God with his life. Or something like that. I wasn't really listening. (Oops.) He then made this statement, seemingly out of nowhere:

"When we struggle (as we inevitably will), God does not bring us the perfect person to fix things. He instead brings us the right person for the moment...to help us through it."

I immediately wrote those words down, because they struck a chord in my heart. And I began to think. 

I started to look back through the past few years of my life; thinking of the many moments that occurred, both good and bad. I tried to remember the specific people that were with me for those specific moments...and the memories came into my mind like a flood.

When I was trapped in a manipulative and unfaithful relationship many years ago, God didn't bring along someone who would change his mind or heart to treat me the way he should. Instead, He brought along people who had the courage to tell me I deserved better, then literally run across campus to find me and hold me while I sobbed from a broken heart.

When my best friend at school was gone for an entire semester and I felt lonely and uncomfortable, God didn't bring me the perfect "new friend" to be a substitute and eradicate my loneliness. Instead, He gave me people who missed her as much as I did and who would not replace her, but help me to create new memories that were just as special.

When I couldn't even lift my arms high enough to play the piano and I felt like my dream of a musical career and future were completely destroyed, God didn't bring along a therapist or doctor who had the cure/solution to my physical pain. Instead, He sent me professors and friends who encouraged, supported and lifted me up on a daily basis, believing that one day He would heal me. 

And even now, when I find myself questioning my worth as a woman and if I will ever find someone who thinks I'm amazing/wonderful/beautiful/extraordinary enough to be with no matter the obstacle, God doesn't give me what I want. He doesn't bring that perfect person into my life to take all of my doubts, fears and insecurities away. Instead, He gives me people who say, 

"Lex, you are definitely worth it. If God can see me as worthwhile then He sure as heck sees the same worth in you." 

And He faithfully keeps these people in my life, day after day, because He knows I desperately need them to get through this.

Looking back, I can see how every single time, I longed for the perfect solution, the perfect answer, the perfect person...

And every single time, I received exactly what I needed in that moment. Not perfection. Not my dream. Not my desperate plea. 

But it was right. For the moment.  

So even though I currently find myself unsure of everything I feel and want for my life, I'm holding onto the hope that the right people will continue to spring up in my path. And even though I wish for the perfect ending almost everyday...

I think I should start praying for the right one instead.

Finding Clarity; Finding Me.

This past week has been one of lessons. Over the last 8 days, I have been taught such mind-boggling concepts as:
Trust.
Hope.
Letting go.
Opening up.
And realizing that when you ask God for clarity...brace yourselves, because He will give it to you.

***

Clarity.

The dictionary defines 'clarity' as "clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity."

I'm going to be frank. My entire life feels like the opposite of this definition. It feels indistinct. It feels ambiguous. It feels as if understanding and perception are distant memories of the past. I have no direction, no plan, no freaking idea what the next step could possibly be.

So, I finally asked the Lord to give me clarity. To quote my journal, I said, "Help this week to be one of clarification and direction for me--in every way."

And oh, did He give it. In every way.

***

I spent the first few days of this week in Knoxville, applying for and pursuing job opportunities in the area. Believe it or not, it's quite difficult to appear confident, collected and put together when you feel terrified, overwhelmed and completely lost.

Huzzah for having a Theatre degree. I can totally fake it. (Not always a good thing.)

Anyway, I found myself in Cracker Barrel. (Not my first choice, but hey. Might as well try.) I'm standing there with my application, waiting to talk to a manager, when this little elderly woman comes up to me. It's an incredibly long story and quite humorous, but eventually she just flat out said, "I'm a Christian. Are you?" I answered yes. She then said, "Well, can I pray for you?" Although I wasn't sure what the proper "Praying-in-the-middle-of-Cracker-Barrel" etiquette was, I told her she could. She proceeded to wrap her arm around me (whoa now...) and prayed for the next 10 minutes.

10 minutes is a REALLY UNCOMFORTABLY LONG time to pray in a public restaurant.

However...she said something in her extremely long-winded prayer that caught my attention.

She simply said, "Lord, if this girl is supposed to work here, let it happen. Give her this job if it's where You want her to be. Help these people to see who she really is and how wonderful she is as a person."

This lady didn't know me at ALL. But the truth of her words sank deep into my heart...and I realized that simple faith is all it takes. I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. If it's the job that God has for me, being myself is all that matters. They will want me...for me.

I won't tell you with the rest of that story...although it is a rather entertaining one. :)

***

I then spent the next few days at Bryan College. Clarity was also needed with regards to a personal relationship there, and I was graciously given said clarity. Although I came to the weekend with almost no expectations in that situation, the Lord once again surprised me with closure that I desperately needed. The pain is still strong and deep, and I suspect it will take some time to recover from the finality of that chapter coming to a close. But He is faithful through every change, and I know that eventually it will be okay. I will be okay.

I had spent the first 2 days of this weekend constantly surrounded by people; talking, laughing, going crazy. It was wonderful; even when I was trying to handle the above situation, there were always several friends around to distract me and keep me smiling. However, on Saturday afternoon, I went to this swing on campus (which had been my go-to spot last semester whenever I needed to think). I sat there and watched the sun set over the Hill, and I finally allowed myself to process what had happened in my heart recently.

The tears flowed. By myself at last, I let my mask fall down and genuinely grieved the loss of the friendship and hope I had held on to for far too long.

But here's the thing....about 30 minutes later, when I got up to leave, I tried to regain my façade of contentment, maturity and composure. And I couldn't. I found that smiling was difficult, laughter was not easily provoked, and my heart simply hurt. For the rest of the evening, I struggled to have fun or even to appear normal. I felt so transparent and vulnerable...and I hated it.

Later that night, I sat in one of my best friends' dorm room with a group of people, silently observing their laughter. Eventually, most of them left, and I sat down next to my friend, laying my head on his shoulder. His response was the best thing anyone could have done.

He sighed, put his head on top of mine, and said, "I know."

Then he told me, "It's ok to feel emotions. We have them for a reason. It's ok to feel sad and depressed, to not be happy all the time. That's who you are right now, and you don't need to hide it. You don't have to be the crazy, funny, laughing constantly Lex that everyone expects you to be."

And I realized....what I stated above about finding a job is exactly the same with finding people. If God wants a certain person in my life, they will be there....and they will love me for me. I won't have to be someone I'm not. I won't have to change who I am. Being myself and having simple faith in His path for me (or His companions for me) is all that matters.

***

So, I'm back home...and I am more than ready for the great unveiling of my future. Not to be dramatic or anything... :P

A verse that I keep coming back to is 2 Corinthians 1:8-10.

"We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it...But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely on God...And He did rescue us...and He will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in Him, and He will continue to rescue us."

Life is a beautiful thing, and although there are indistinct or ambiguous moments...eventually God will bring them into focus and we will praise Him for His perfect timing, His astounding grace and His overwhelming ability to rescue us from...well, us. :)

The Gift of Today.

Today has been one of those days where my mind is literally going insane.

Now, you have to understand something about me. I'm a person who thinks a LOT. I daydream constantly about things I know will never happen: being famous, for example. I overthink things that have already happened: breakups or arguments with friends. And I just...think in general, which can be both effective and detrimental. 

Today was a little of both, I'd like to think. 

Heh. See what I did there? 

...........yeah.

Ok, so my mom is in charge of a large homeschool drama troupe in a town near mine, and the graduating seniors are performing The Music Man this spring. She paid me to re-type the entire script for their rehearsal a few days ago, and as I was reading through it, I found this:

Harold Hill: "Meet me at the footbridge in 15 minutes."

Marian: "I just can't. Please, some other time? Maybe tomorrow."

Harold: "My dear little librarian--pile up enough tomorrows and you'll find you've collected nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays. I don't know about you but I'd like to make today worth remembering."

I love it. Because I'm beginning to realize that life is such a gift. I know I'm not really that old, but even thinking about the 22 years I've lived so far...and thinking about all of the days I'll never be able to retrieve...to try again...it saddens me.

Each day is a priceless treasure, and we should be living that way. But we so often don't! 

I'm preaching to myself, FYI. Cause I need to hear this more than most. I look at the past 3 months of my life, the time I've been at home since graduating...and it's pathetic to see how little I've accomplished. Yes, I've had breakthroughs in my walk with the Lord. I've been able to reconnect with people that have been around my entire life. But...I'm living each day just waiting for something to happen; to find a job, to move out of town, to move on with my life.

That's incredibly tragic. 

Why not make these days something meaningful, something that I can look back on and say, "That was a wonderful time in my life...and I wouldn't trade it for anything."

I mean, looking back on my day, it seems pretty normal. Did chores, applied for jobs, had a rehearsal...you know, the average day.

But if I dive a little deeper and look at my day as if unwrapping a present...

Everything changes.

Last week someone told me, "Everyday you should write down at least 5 things that you're thankful for about that day. It will revolutionize your outlook on life." So here's what I'm thankful for from today.

I'm thankful for a sent text to a friend, saying "I need your advice on this. Can you let me know what you think?" And they did. 

I'm thankful for a written letter, one that part of me hopes will never be read. (But another lesson I'm learning is that we never know when we will speak with someone for the last time. So we have to make sure that everything we want someone to know...is known. Even if it's difficult to say.)

I'm thankful for random thoughts; those passing moments of peculiarity and absurdity that I have throughout a day. Such as:

     -Isn't it amazing how something as simple as as a kiss can completely change your universe?

     -Why is it so difficult for left-handed people to write in a straight line?

     -What is it about that one phrase of a song that lodges itself permanently into my brainwaves? Why that phrase and not another? 

I'm thankful for the timeless authors of the past and the ability we have to still read their work today. (I'm currently reading "Bleak House" by Charles Dickens, in case you were wondering.)

I'm thankful for the discovery that true friends come in the most unexpected places, and always when you're not searching for them.

I'm thankful for the hope I have in the future, even though I'm trying to live my life for today.

John Piper writes of his college professor Clyde Kilby. During one particular lecture, Kilby urged his students to look around them and soak in the beauty of life. Piper says, "His plea was that we stop being unamazed by the strange glory of ordinary things."

Ordinary things. Simple things. They're usually the most breathtaking.

Tomorrow is another day; another gift to be unwrapped and beheld in wonder. 

I can't wait.

Life Without lexipoo51 & @Llama_Lover.

I decided a few days ago that I needed to take a break from social media. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram,  Snapchat...the works. It was getting to the point that I couldn't go 20 minutes without checking one, or all. I was completely dependent on it, and I was reaching the level of "scary creepy stalker" that I never wanted to be. You know those people...we've ALL been those people. *shudder*

Part of it, I suppose, is that I miss people that are far away...and this is the way I keep up with their daily lives. But once again, it was reaching an unhealthy level, and I was beginning to obsess over things that I
A) couldn't control,
B) Wasn't a part of, &
C) Didn't matter.

So I took the plunge...I logged out of everything, and therefore my phone has been eerily silent. Sure, I'm still texting people on a regular basis...but all of my apps are unused and I haven't received a single notification from anything in almost 7 days. CRAZY.

Don't get me wrong: I'm going to go back. I do want to stay connected and keep in touch with people, and that's just the way our culture is now. It's ok.

But having this break...it's been really educational.

I've realized how much of my life I feel this insatiable need to plaster all over every form of social media.

Why do I take a selfie?
So people will see it and think I'm attractive.
Why do I tweet 35 times a day?
So people will read them and think my life is interesting.
Why do I write facebook statuses?
Because I want people to pay attention to me. To like me. To favorite my words. To stalk my life.

Because at the root of it...I want to feel needed. To feel loved. That people care about me.

Why do I need all of those things to make that happen?

The lesson I've learned this week is that I don't.

In the past few days, I've been more encouraged by friends than I have in past weeks through any social media. People have texted me, called me, prayed for me, made me laugh...and all without any of those things that I thought I couldn't live without.

And another cool thing? Not obsessing over the latest facebook post or stalking someone's twitter feed has opened up the line of communication between myself and God. A lot more.

Over the past week, I found myself having a dialogue with God throughout the day...not these long, elaborate, flawlessly worded prayers...just everyday conversation with the Lover of my soul. It was pretty great, actually. And I discovered that it was a lot easier to hear Him when I wasn't continually focused on what others are thinking about me.

So, I've learned a lot from this exercise. It won't be forever...but at least I know that:
I can definitely live without it,
I have friends...REAL friends who care beyond a "like" or "favorite" of my two-dimensional life,
and a God who longs to speak to me in ways that are far better than a facebook chat.

Social media and I are no longer in a committed relationship.
We're just friends.
And I find I like it that way.

Learning.

A friend gave me this poem today, and I am in love with the beautiful truth within the words.

Because this...this is where I am. Who I am hoping to become.

I'm going off the grid for awhile, and this is what I'm going to remind myself of...that I can endure, I am strong, I do have worth...and I'm learning. Slowly but surely. Learning.

After a While

After a while you learn

The subtle difference between

Holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn

That kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes ahead

With the grace of a woman

Not the grief of a child

And you learn

To build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow's ground is

Too uncertain for plans

And futures have a way

Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden

And decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn

That you really can endure

That you are really strong

And you really do have worth

And you learn and you learn

With every good bye you learn.

-Veronica A. Shoffstall