I'm struggling bigtime.
My last post was about how I found clarity and I was so thankful for the Lord bringing the ambiguity of my life into focus and how His timing was perfect and etc....
But the last 3 days have literally destroyed almost all of that.
I won't go into the details of what happened to shatter my contented outlook on the future, but let's just say I have found myself knocked flat on the pavement of life; confused, hurting and completely uncertain. Of pretty much everything.
Today, I was sitting in church, and the pastor was speaking on Elisha and what he did to serve God with his life. Or something like that. I wasn't really listening. (Oops.) He then made this statement, seemingly out of nowhere:
"When we struggle (as we inevitably will), God does not bring us the perfect person to fix things. He instead brings us the right person for the moment...to help us through it."
I immediately wrote those words down, because they struck a chord in my heart. And I began to think.
I started to look back through the past few years of my life; thinking of the many moments that occurred, both good and bad. I tried to remember the specific people that were with me for those specific moments...and the memories came into my mind like a flood.
When I was trapped in a manipulative and unfaithful relationship many years ago, God didn't bring along someone who would change his mind or heart to treat me the way he should. Instead, He brought along people who had the courage to tell me I deserved better, then literally run across campus to find me and hold me while I sobbed from a broken heart.
When my best friend at school was gone for an entire semester and I felt lonely and uncomfortable, God didn't bring me the perfect "new friend" to be a substitute and eradicate my loneliness. Instead, He gave me people who missed her as much as I did and who would not replace her, but help me to create new memories that were just as special.
When I couldn't even lift my arms high enough to play the piano and I felt like my dream of a musical career and future were completely destroyed, God didn't bring along a therapist or doctor who had the cure/solution to my physical pain. Instead, He sent me professors and friends who encouraged, supported and lifted me up on a daily basis, believing that one day He would heal me.
And even now, when I find myself questioning my worth as a woman and if I will ever find someone who thinks I'm amazing/wonderful/beautiful/extraordinary enough to be with no matter the obstacle, God doesn't give me what I want. He doesn't bring that perfect person into my life to take all of my doubts, fears and insecurities away. Instead, He gives me people who say,
"Lex, you are definitely worth it. If God can see me as worthwhile then He sure as heck sees the same worth in you."
And He faithfully keeps these people in my life, day after day, because He knows I desperately need them to get through this.
Looking back, I can see how every single time, I longed for the perfect solution, the perfect answer, the perfect person...
And every single time, I received exactly what I needed in that moment. Not perfection. Not my dream. Not my desperate plea.
But it was right. For the moment.
So even though I currently find myself unsure of everything I feel and want for my life, I'm holding onto the hope that the right people will continue to spring up in my path. And even though I wish for the perfect ending almost everyday...
I think I should start praying for the right one instead.
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