Trust.
Hope.
Letting go.
Opening up.
And realizing that when you ask God for clarity...brace yourselves, because He will give it to you.
***
Clarity.
The dictionary defines 'clarity' as "clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity."
I'm going to be frank. My entire life feels like the opposite of this definition. It feels indistinct. It feels ambiguous. It feels as if understanding and perception are distant memories of the past. I have no direction, no plan, no freaking idea what the next step could possibly be.
So, I finally asked the Lord to give me clarity. To quote my journal, I said, "Help this week to be one of clarification and direction for me--in every way."
And oh, did He give it. In every way.
***
I spent the first few days of this week in Knoxville, applying for and pursuing job opportunities in the area. Believe it or not, it's quite difficult to appear confident, collected and put together when you feel terrified, overwhelmed and completely lost.
Huzzah for having a Theatre degree. I can totally fake it. (Not always a good thing.)
Anyway, I found myself in Cracker Barrel. (Not my first choice, but hey. Might as well try.) I'm standing there with my application, waiting to talk to a manager, when this little elderly woman comes up to me. It's an incredibly long story and quite humorous, but eventually she just flat out said, "I'm a Christian. Are you?" I answered yes. She then said, "Well, can I pray for you?" Although I wasn't sure what the proper "Praying-in-the-middle-of-Cracker-Barrel" etiquette was, I told her she could. She proceeded to wrap her arm around me (whoa now...) and prayed for the next 10 minutes.
10 minutes is a REALLY UNCOMFORTABLY LONG time to pray in a public restaurant.
However...she said something in her extremely long-winded prayer that caught my attention.
She simply said, "Lord, if this girl is supposed to work here, let it happen. Give her this job if it's where You want her to be. Help these people to see who she really is and how wonderful she is as a person."
This lady didn't know me at ALL. But the truth of her words sank deep into my heart...and I realized that simple faith is all it takes. I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. If it's the job that God has for me, being myself is all that matters. They will want me...for me.
I won't tell you with the rest of that story...although it is a rather entertaining one. :)
***
I then spent the next few days at Bryan College. Clarity was also needed with regards to a personal relationship there, and I was graciously given said clarity. Although I came to the weekend with almost no expectations in that situation, the Lord once again surprised me with closure that I desperately needed. The pain is still strong and deep, and I suspect it will take some time to recover from the finality of that chapter coming to a close. But He is faithful through every change, and I know that eventually it will be okay. I will be okay.
I had spent the first 2 days of this weekend constantly surrounded by people; talking, laughing, going crazy. It was wonderful; even when I was trying to handle the above situation, there were always several friends around to distract me and keep me smiling. However, on Saturday afternoon, I went to this swing on campus (which had been my go-to spot last semester whenever I needed to think). I sat there and watched the sun set over the Hill, and I finally allowed myself to process what had happened in my heart recently.
The tears flowed. By myself at last, I let my mask fall down and genuinely grieved the loss of the friendship and hope I had held on to for far too long.
But here's the thing....about 30 minutes later, when I got up to leave, I tried to regain my façade of contentment, maturity and composure. And I couldn't. I found that smiling was difficult, laughter was not easily provoked, and my heart simply hurt. For the rest of the evening, I struggled to have fun or even to appear normal. I felt so transparent and vulnerable...and I hated it.
Later that night, I sat in one of my best friends' dorm room with a group of people, silently observing their laughter. Eventually, most of them left, and I sat down next to my friend, laying my head on his shoulder. His response was the best thing anyone could have done.
He sighed, put his head on top of mine, and said, "I know."
Then he told me, "It's ok to feel emotions. We have them for a reason. It's ok to feel sad and depressed, to not be happy all the time. That's who you are right now, and you don't need to hide it. You don't have to be the crazy, funny, laughing constantly Lex that everyone expects you to be."
And I realized....what I stated above about finding a job is exactly the same with finding people. If God wants a certain person in my life, they will be there....and they will love me for me. I won't have to be someone I'm not. I won't have to change who I am. Being myself and having simple faith in His path for me (or His companions for me) is all that matters.
***
So, I'm back home...and I am more than ready for the great unveiling of my future. Not to be dramatic or anything... :P
A verse that I keep coming back to is 2 Corinthians 1:8-10.
"We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it...But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely on God...And He did rescue us...and He will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in Him, and He will continue to rescue us."
Life is a beautiful thing, and although there are indistinct or ambiguous moments...eventually God will bring them into focus and we will praise Him for His perfect timing, His astounding grace and His overwhelming ability to rescue us from...well, us. :)
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