Gracefully Broken.

"Some things have to end, you know. You feel like life is always leading up to something, but it isn't. I mean life is just life. It's all happening right now, and we aren't going to be any more complete a month from now than we are now."

-Donald Miller

I'm gonna be gut-wrenchingly honest, people.

Right now, if I had to describe myself, I would say I'm broken.

And it's funny, because I'm about to start a new chapter of my life and there are exciting things happening in my career and I couldn't be more thrilled for the opportunities that are being given to me...

But my heart is hurting.

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog post about my summer and everything I experienced over the past few months. Blogging is how I process; it's how I work through emotions I'm not sure I'm equipped to handle.

Well, I got everything out...and I felt so much better. It really does astound me how much writing helps my soul.

But within an hour of posting it, I received a phone call from someone asking me to delete it. I had posted personal information about that person and they were uncomfortable. Out of respect for their wishes, I did so...but I immediately regretted it.

Do you have any idea how it feels to release everything that's built up within you, only to have it stuffed back inside, churning around and preventing your personal process of dealing with change?

I'm not sure I can adequately describe it.

But I know I don't want to ever feel that again.

So I've decided to go back to being myself, of being as honest and real as I can be.

I realize that some people judge me for this. I've seen tweets in the past that passive aggressively proclaim that airing my dirty laundry is inappropriate and that I'm on a roll of personal destruction. I guess genuine, raw emotion unnerves certain types of people.

But honestly? I don't care anymore. I have the right to say what I wish and deal with my emotions how I see fit.

My friend Travis told me a statement he lives by:

"In order for you to insult me, I first have to value your opinion."

People who know me and love me have told me that my blogs are refreshing because they're simply real. Anyone who thinks otherwise can feel free to block me or diss me in private. It doesn't matter to me.

So here you go.

Here's real.

Here's raw.

Here's me.

A lot of things happened to me this summer, but there's one situation I'm going to focus on in particular. In addition to a super difficult theatre gig experience, 2 UTIs and a hell of a lot of stress, I allowed myself to love someone who claimed to love me back and claimed to want to be with me and me only.

I allowed myself to throw caution to the wind and break down the last few emotional barriers I had kept up in this relationship.

I foolishly believed the words spoken to me and wanted to have the chance to show love the right way.

But it was not to be.

Despite knowing that there was an end date on the horizon, I desperately wanted to have positive closure and an ending without hurt or regret. At the end of the summer, we reunited for a brief moment, knowing that it was for a limited time and that soon after I would have to say goodbye.

Do you have any idea how it feels to be held in the arms of someone you know you're about to walk away from?

I'm not sure I can adequately describe it.

I felt like my heart and my head were screaming at one another; I knew that it would hurt less to shut down and run away, but my heart was begging for even a few more seconds of the intimacy I had come to take for granted. I wanted so desperately to have these last moments with this person, to be just us and be together one more time so that when I walked away, it was with nothing but good memories. If I could have that, I would be able to move on.

And as awful as it was, I feel like I accomplished that.

He kissed me and told me how much our time together meant to him.

I memorized the way he gazed at me and told him I didn't regret a single moment we spent together.

And then just like that, he walked me to my car and I drove away.

It was incredibly painful because I struggle so much with giving up on people I love...but I knew that eventually I would be okay. My life wasn't ending just because he wasn't going to be in it anymore.

As much as it sucked and might sound backwards to say, I was okay. I was okay because while he didn't want to be with me, I knew he also didn't want to be with anyone else. He didn't want to commit to any one person. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough; no one was at the moment.

...Except that wasn't true.

And a week later I discovered how far from the truth it actually was.

Do you have any idea how it feels to have the breath knocked out of you by the realization that you were just a secondary option until he figured out what he really wanted...which wasn't you, and had never been you? That everything you experienced had most likely been a total lie?

I'm not sure I can adequately describe it.

In that moment all I could think was,

"I am never, ever going to be enough for anyone."

Maybe that sounds dramatic. But you have to understand: every relationship I have ever been in has ended in me not being enough.

Not enough for a commitment,
Not enough for the difficulty of making it work,
Not enough to even try.

I've literally never been enough.

And I know it's not true, that I have worth and value and blah blah blah.

But it triggered every feeling of insecurity, doubt and inadequacy that has accompanied my past.

It completely overwhelmed me.

Of course, I had people immediately texting me, calling me, throwing their arms around me and saying things like:

"If you keep telling yourself 

'I'm not the one he wanted and 

I wasn't good enough' 

or some form of that...

you'll never be ok.'"

"Lex, this is a lot. 

This is a man that you love(d), lost...

and just cut things off with. 

You're not over reacting."

"Alexis, you're better than this.

You're above this. 

You are beautiful, smart, a leader, 

strong, talented, and determined. 

You are 100 times better 

than allowing yourself to be 

manipulated by someone 

who could care less 

about you or how you feel."

"You need to be someone's 

choice without hesitation. 

I know it sucks 100% 

but you're dodging a bullet."

"It feels like you didn't get the man. 

But let me ask you this: 

is he really the man you wanted? 

No? 

Then did you really lose anything?"

"Heal on your time. 

Not on anyone else's.

And that's between you and God. 

Nobody else."

These statements are so powerful and so full of truth. I am trying my best to let them seep into my heart so that I can actually process and work through what I'm feeling.

It's time I learned from this mess of a summer and take the next necessary step forward. It may not be a big step or take me very far, but I have to at least take it...before I find myself paralyzed by fear and inadequacy.

There's a difficult road ahead of me. I can't really share any more detail than that at the moment.
But it's going to be so much harder than I ever thought it would be now, and that's ok.

I know I have people who love me, who see me as someone worth their time and attention, and whose opinion I truly care about.

I also know who I don't give a flying crap about; whether they look down on me, talk shit about me behind my back, or just blatantly hate me doesn't matter.

I'm confident, capable and more than enough to hold my head up high and live my life to the fullest.

God is always good, even when He has to break my heart and throw me to the ground in the process.

I heard a song this summer by a Christian artist named Matt Redman. The chorus has the following lyrics:

Here I am, God,

Arms wide open;

Pouring out my life...

Gracefully broken.

I love that phrase. Because I am broken. But within that brokenness is the grace of Jesus pouring over me, allowing me to pull the shattered pieces of my past into something truly beautiful.

Gracefully broken.

That's me.

That's real.

Take it or leave it.

"You silly little girl,

you think

you've survived so long

survival shouldn't hurt anymore.

You keep trying to turn

your body bulletproof.

You keep trying to turn your heart

bomb shelter.

Stop, darling.

You are soft and alive.

You bruise and heal. Cherish it.

It is what you were born to do.

It will not be beautiful,

but the truth never is.

Come now,

you promised yourself.

You promised

you'd live through this."

-Clementine von Radics