As you know, my parents are in music ministry. My dad is the Music and Worship Pastor at our church, and my mom is the pianist. I've pretty much lived my life in a church. Every day of the week, till all hours...I would often fall asleep on the office couch while waiting for my parents to finish whatever it was that they did.
I love my church. We're Southern Baptist in name, but we are so much more than that in spirit. In the past 2 years, God has grown our church into something that we never could have imagined. Every person there loves the Lord so much, and they want to serve Him with their lives. It's a truly beautiful thing.
But lately, I've been really struggling with my faith and how to make it real. Even at Bryan this past semester, it seemed like every worship chapel we had meant nothing to me. Every time I would try to sing or even pray, I couldn't find joy in it, and nothing I tried felt...real. It was as if I was performing for an audience constantly when I should be worshipping. But try as I might, I simply couldn't.
As I began to realize this was happening, I grew frustrated with my results and withdrew even more into myself spiritually. Now, to an outsider, I probably seemed perfectly normal; stressed out about homework and performances, hanging out with friends, laughing...but whenever I got close to a Bible or a church service of anykind...I froze up. It became so deeply ingrained that I was actually afraid of it. I didn't know what to do. I have been a Christian since I was six. I've never not been involved in church. What was wrong with me? What IS wrong with me?
Because sadly, it is something that I am still struggling with.
I had been hoping that being at home over the summer would help me find time to be more focused on the Lord and to get my priorities back in order. And maybe it will. All I know right now, though, is that today was the wierdest church experience I have ever had.
I agreed to sing a duet with my dad in church this morning. And I love singing with my father. But I was dreading it because I knew that when I got up in front of everyone, I would plaster a smile on my face and pretend like I meant every word, even if I didn't.
Because let's face it. I'm a performer through and through.
Both of my majors at Bryan are all about getting up in front of a crowd and pleasing them with what I have to offer...whether it be at the piano or in a theatrical production. Pretending to be something I'm not comes far too easy for me.
So as I walked up to the platform to sing today, I prepared myself for the amazing transformation from the person I know I am right now, to the person that everyone in my church expects me to be.
But I stood up there next to my dad...and it wouldn't happen. I literally could not bring myself to smile. And even when the song started and I began to sing...nothing happened. I was singing...I didn't mess up...my voice didn't crack...I didn't run out of breath...but I felt empty inside. Like I was lipsynching to a song that meant nothing to me. And I was singing about Jesus! But it was almost as if God was saying, "Alexis, why are you up here? You don't mean it right now." And I didn't. It was the worst feeling I have ever had.
I still don't know what's going on. I was talking to a friend, and she said, "I think you have to go down this road and discover if what you've believed your whole life is YOUR faith, or your parent's faith." And I think she's probably right. I mean, why do I believe in God? Why do I believe that Jesus died for me? I believe it because it's been poured into my life since I was a baby. And now I'm starting to think for myself, and figure out if Jesus is MY savior, or just someone else's that I heard about. If that makes sense.
So I'm on a journey, but it's pretty discouraging right now. I don't know where it's going to take me, and I don't know what's waiting at the end of it. But the only thing to do is take a step forward and hope it all works out after all. I would say I'm praying about it...but praying has been a tough thing to do lately too.
I hate it.
But it's where I am.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Job Searching...Soul Searching.
Today was a rough day.
So, I woke up...rather late, mind you. I've sort of gotten into the habit of doing that lately. But hey, it's summer, right? I'm allowed to sleep late.
Wrong.
I get up and meet my parents for lunch. No lie, as soon as I get in the car, I hear these statements literally one after the other:
-"You need to get up earlier."
-"You need to get on a schedule."
-"You need to find a job."
-"You need to make money."
Needless to say, it was a little overwhelming. But I guess my parents were right. I do need to get a move on my life and do something productive.
So today, I went out on the job search. And it was the most humbling experience of my life. I'm not even kidding. I'd never done it before; every job I've ever had has either been given to me or my parents have taken care of it. So this was a new thing.
However, I had three places in my mind that I wanted to work for the summer...and nothing else was even an option.
1)Lifeway Christian Stores
2)Coldstone Creamery
3)Starbucks
I get in the car and drive to Lynchburg, which is where you go if you want a decent job. As I got out of the car to go in Lifeway, a Christian bookstore, I suddenly was overcome with this feeling of nervousness and dread. For those of you who know me pretty well, just talking to someone and asking a simple question usually doesn't make me freak out. But here I was, pacing around the aisles of the store, pretending to be browsing when in reality, I was trying to work up enough courage to do what I came to do. It was ridiculous.
Finally, I just made myself go for it, and I timidly walked up to the manager. Great first impression, I know.
"Um, excuse me...I was just wondering if you were hiring at all for the summer."
"No. We're not. Sorry."
What was I supposed to do then? Smile and say, "Thanks for crushing my already frail dream of getting a job?" Or awkwardly walk out and pretend it never happened? I was momentarily stumped, and then I decided to combine the two. So I smiled, said "Thanks," and walked out...hopefully not too awkwardly.
I got back in my car, and as I sat there, wondering what to do next, I felt this peace come over me.
I realized that I had been trying to put my situation in my own hands, and in my own control. What's the good in that? Every other time in my life that I've attempted that, it always ends as a huge mess.
I started to think. When I graduated highschool, I had my whole college career planned out. I was going to Liberty University to room with my best friend and be close to home. But the Lord had other plans: Bryan College, a town far away from what was familiar and a group of people I had never met before. And looking back, I know without a doubt that Bryan is where I'm supposed to be. The friends I have made there, both girls and guys, are friends that I know I will have long after I graduate. I never once doubted His leading in that area.
So why did I have a short list of two or three places I wanted to work this summer? I was doing it again. I was limiting the hand of God in my life. And that's a mistake I don't want to ever make again.
So I threw out the "Lifeway, Coldstone, Starbucks" agenda, said "God, put me where you want me," and just started driving from store to store, walking in confidently and asking for an application.
And the good thing? Once I let go, I was able to accept anything that came my way...and there were several opportunities waiting.
Why do we limit ourselves? Why do we continue to put ourselves in these boxes, and stubbornly refuse to venture out of them and see what's waiting just beyond the cardboard walls?
Lesson learned. :)
So, I woke up...rather late, mind you. I've sort of gotten into the habit of doing that lately. But hey, it's summer, right? I'm allowed to sleep late.
Wrong.
I get up and meet my parents for lunch. No lie, as soon as I get in the car, I hear these statements literally one after the other:
-"You need to get up earlier."
-"You need to get on a schedule."
-"You need to find a job."
-"You need to make money."
Needless to say, it was a little overwhelming. But I guess my parents were right. I do need to get a move on my life and do something productive.
So today, I went out on the job search. And it was the most humbling experience of my life. I'm not even kidding. I'd never done it before; every job I've ever had has either been given to me or my parents have taken care of it. So this was a new thing.
However, I had three places in my mind that I wanted to work for the summer...and nothing else was even an option.
1)Lifeway Christian Stores
2)Coldstone Creamery
3)Starbucks
I get in the car and drive to Lynchburg, which is where you go if you want a decent job. As I got out of the car to go in Lifeway, a Christian bookstore, I suddenly was overcome with this feeling of nervousness and dread. For those of you who know me pretty well, just talking to someone and asking a simple question usually doesn't make me freak out. But here I was, pacing around the aisles of the store, pretending to be browsing when in reality, I was trying to work up enough courage to do what I came to do. It was ridiculous.
Finally, I just made myself go for it, and I timidly walked up to the manager. Great first impression, I know.
"Um, excuse me...I was just wondering if you were hiring at all for the summer."
"No. We're not. Sorry."
What was I supposed to do then? Smile and say, "Thanks for crushing my already frail dream of getting a job?" Or awkwardly walk out and pretend it never happened? I was momentarily stumped, and then I decided to combine the two. So I smiled, said "Thanks," and walked out...hopefully not too awkwardly.
I got back in my car, and as I sat there, wondering what to do next, I felt this peace come over me.
I realized that I had been trying to put my situation in my own hands, and in my own control. What's the good in that? Every other time in my life that I've attempted that, it always ends as a huge mess.
I started to think. When I graduated highschool, I had my whole college career planned out. I was going to Liberty University to room with my best friend and be close to home. But the Lord had other plans: Bryan College, a town far away from what was familiar and a group of people I had never met before. And looking back, I know without a doubt that Bryan is where I'm supposed to be. The friends I have made there, both girls and guys, are friends that I know I will have long after I graduate. I never once doubted His leading in that area.
So why did I have a short list of two or three places I wanted to work this summer? I was doing it again. I was limiting the hand of God in my life. And that's a mistake I don't want to ever make again.
So I threw out the "Lifeway, Coldstone, Starbucks" agenda, said "God, put me where you want me," and just started driving from store to store, walking in confidently and asking for an application.
And the good thing? Once I let go, I was able to accept anything that came my way...and there were several opportunities waiting.
Why do we limit ourselves? Why do we continue to put ourselves in these boxes, and stubbornly refuse to venture out of them and see what's waiting just beyond the cardboard walls?
Lesson learned. :)
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
500 Days of Summer...or Something Close to It.
So, summer has begun...I'm three days into it...and I already find myself bored and looking for something to do.
So I decided to start this blog. I know this is a really lame post, but it's the best I can do right now.
So if I ever get any followers on here, it's going to be up to you to give me something to write about. For now, I guess I'll just talk about my life and what I do. Which is completely and utterly boring.
I'm currently living in Appomattox, Virginia, which is where I've lived since I was 7. For you Bryan people who don't know, my parents are both in the music ministry department. They work at Liberty Baptist Church, and so my entire life has been surrounded by music. It's what I come home to on every break, and it's also what I go to school for. Yep, Piano Performance. Sometimes I don't know why I chose that. But I did, and I'm halfway through it. So yay. :)
Anyway, while I'm here in the Appo, there's not a whole lot to do. We have a Walmart, which is pretty exciting...until you go in and realize it's one of those smaller versions of Walmart, and thus has nothing that you actually need. Welcome to my town.
On the upside, we're an extremely historical town. The Civil War ended in Appomattox, the surrender happened about 10 minutes from my house. We have our own national park. The Surrender Grounds. Sounds great, huh? It is about the first 50 times you go. *ahem* Every year we have the Railroad Festival, which is terribly exciting. Tourists from all over come to see our parade and visit the Appomattox Courthouse. I'm not a huge history buff, so I pretty much try to ignore all of it. Except for the food. That's pretty good.
Ok, well, I'm pretty sure no one is going to read this, so I'm going to stop now. Hopefully my next post will be more interesting.
-Lex
So I decided to start this blog. I know this is a really lame post, but it's the best I can do right now.
So if I ever get any followers on here, it's going to be up to you to give me something to write about. For now, I guess I'll just talk about my life and what I do. Which is completely and utterly boring.
I'm currently living in Appomattox, Virginia, which is where I've lived since I was 7. For you Bryan people who don't know, my parents are both in the music ministry department. They work at Liberty Baptist Church, and so my entire life has been surrounded by music. It's what I come home to on every break, and it's also what I go to school for. Yep, Piano Performance. Sometimes I don't know why I chose that. But I did, and I'm halfway through it. So yay. :)
Anyway, while I'm here in the Appo, there's not a whole lot to do. We have a Walmart, which is pretty exciting...until you go in and realize it's one of those smaller versions of Walmart, and thus has nothing that you actually need. Welcome to my town.
On the upside, we're an extremely historical town. The Civil War ended in Appomattox, the surrender happened about 10 minutes from my house. We have our own national park. The Surrender Grounds. Sounds great, huh? It is about the first 50 times you go. *ahem* Every year we have the Railroad Festival, which is terribly exciting. Tourists from all over come to see our parade and visit the Appomattox Courthouse. I'm not a huge history buff, so I pretty much try to ignore all of it. Except for the food. That's pretty good.
Ok, well, I'm pretty sure no one is going to read this, so I'm going to stop now. Hopefully my next post will be more interesting.
-Lex
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)